Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear FM,

I am looking forward to our outing tomorrow.

Dear T

I love you. Not in a creepy 'I want to marry you' type way, but in a 'thanks, you've helped me so much' type way.
You really touched me with your kindness today, offering to have a word with that woman for me. It was really thoughtful and a very maternal thing to do. I enjoyed the fact that you offered, thanks

Dear T,

I am so apprehensive about our first appointment together on Feb 20th since your maternity leave. Of course I'm sure we will find plenty to talk about...we always do. Anyway I hope our appointment goes well.

Dear x-pdoc,
I still have yet to decide on whether to ask you to be my doc again. It's such a difficult decision for some reason. I want you to be my doc and at the same time don't want you to be my doc. Still don't know what's up with that. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do the next 2 weeks or so before I see T. I need to make a decision maybe I will send the new letter I wrote the other day. I dunno.

Dear T, I did part 1 of my assignment last night like I said I would. I think I've already gotten some good material to work with. Part 2 will be tonight. By the time we talk again on Tuesday evening I hope I will have my answer. after talking yesterday evening I think I already know what it is going to be. But I will complete the assignment before I tell you. I think the answer is going to be that I need to truly finally let you go and let our work together be done, as painful as that feels to admit. Because you can never be what in my heart of hearts I want you to be (the mommy that my little parts wish I had gotten!) I am just making things worse for myself by hanging onto you, and even more distressing to me than that, it is causing an end result of me stringing you along which is NOT what I ever intended to happen, I just can't make up my mind once and for all to let you go. But T that is what I need to do. I am crying as I write this and I don't know how in the world I am ever going to say this to you. Well I will complete the 5 part assignment and let you read it and it will speak for me.

Dear T,

I'm pretty sure I miss you right now. That is all.

You were so wrong to hurt me and cause me so much pain. I will never get over it.

p.s. i'm glad I told you that I miss you.

You've made my life 10 times worse at work. It's hard for me to face anyone there now. I have to deal with the mistakes you've made every day. Now it is worse than ever and I cry often because of what you've done. I've lost friends because of you but I guess it's better to know that they were never really friends to begin with. So many people there speak poorly of me now....all because of you. I wish I didn't have to face this. Why did you make my life worse? Actually, I didn't think it could get much worse but you found a way.

Dear Ex therapist,

Even though I know you are a meat eater and I picked a vegetarian/vegan place for lunch I hope you enjoy the restaurant. We will enjoy our time together, and laugh our A**es off. I know that you still love and care about me, and your other clients. All I can say, "Priceless."

Dear PDoc,

Thank you. There is only a short amount of time, for each session. Yet, when I need to hear, the statements you give me, I am able to continue to heal.

-Me

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Can I have a hug?

Deart T ok so part 2 of my assignment is complete and the dream I got, talk about being shocked out of sleeping/dreaming!! You were in the dream and I really really want to talk to you about what you told me in the dream so I hope I can. I am going to email you the completed assignment so you'll be able to read it for yourself and I hope you will get me to talk about it.

Dear T,

I'm dreading this week because I'm scared I'll cry. An important birthday is coming up for me and it's yet another year come and gone where I find myself single, disliking my job, lonely, and scared. If I do cry I need you to not sit there and stare at me. If you have any warmth in your heart this would be the time to show it. I know you care but I can't figure out why it's difficult for you to show me.

Dear PDoc,

Thanks for not being like the other PDoc in your practice who treated me like a two year old in the hospital, gave me meds I said I couldn't take, and called my T worthless. You don't know how much I appreciate that. However, if I feel suicidal again I will not go back to that hospital and I will have to explain why.

Dear FM,

Thank you for joining me at lunch today. I'm glad we both had a good time, and we were able to laugh together like old times. It made me happy that you were willing to take a 2 hour plus, lunch break to spend time with me. And, thanks for the nice long warm hug when we said good by at your car. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Maybe next month?

Love you,

GTGT

Dear T,

I was reading about some other clients' relationships with their Ts and they sounded so much more fun than ours /: makes me think for sure that you prob really don't like me (sorry for the last year, T )

Look - I think positive transference would be sooooo much more enjoyable during session than this negative crap! Why did I have to draw straws and get the negative side of this ****?! I want positive! If I have to have transference, it should get to be somewhat on the "fun" side, dammit!

Dear PDoc,

I didn't really get a comment, on my question, last appt. That question, forefront of my mind right now.
I really need to download the Bruins app, to my phone.
Your very presence, helped me before, and keeps me grounded and well, I don't know how I'd ever explain this to you, but as though your presence reminds me of why it is, I've become that woman with shoulders back, head up...

Thanks,
Me
Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I hate myself right now. I feel terrible, like there's some fatal flaw in me that causes everyone to be repelled. And I hate that I keep forcing you to tolerate me. I know I'm projecting right now, but it feels so real that I can't help it. I feel like everyone hates me, and like everyone would be better off if I left them all alone. Ugh. I hate this.

Dear T, for heaven's sake, after all the hard work I did for the last 2+ years why in the world do I feel like I am starting all over again?!?! No!!!!!

Dear T, this has been the BEST assignment you ever gave me, she who does not give assignments bwahaha. I swear something "clicked together" inside me that before last night had not - another circle finally came all the way around - and I realized what my next step is. It is to at last embrace the circle that life is, and just start enjoying the ride... can it really be that simple T? Can it?

Dear T,

I'm really starting to feel like this is as good as it gets. I just want to give up most days lately. I want to tell you this but I know you won't let me indulge in that much self-pity.

I've been trying to tell you what a mess my house is, and how terrible I feel about it. I took pictures to show you, and if you compare them to pictures rating hoarding, they are on the scale. I need help, but I don't want to stray from the other work I'm doing - except I think its all linked - the holding on to things because I might not be able to afford to replace them, saving things because someone close to me gave them to me , not wanting to admit that I shouldn't have bought something... Because there have been so many losses and set backs in my life since 2010. You had me make a list to show P Doc there were so many. And the weekends I haven't been able to get off the couch have taken their toll.

I took pictures so you would understand, but I'm so afraid to show them to you.

Dear T, I am putting all of this here because I want to email it to you but I will wait until we talk Tuesday - you said the other day that you couldn't wait to hear my voice and I know why that is T, at first I didn't know why you would say that but then I realized it's because you listen with more than your ears and you are excited because you know you will hear it in my voice, before I even finish telling you the words, that I have figured out the answer to the question "what is my next step?" Not sure your business self is gonna be thrilled with the answer, but your heart-self will be.

Please can we have a hug? You told me you can't see me the week after next. I said ok but inside I am screaming. I can't go on like this. Please show me some warmth. Please show me you care. Although I know I am just a client and I am nothing to you except a payment.

Dear T,

I emailed another therapist today and she's planning to call me back tomorrow. I don't know what the f*** I'm doing. I'm scared.