Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

I miss you, Dr W. Stay safe.

T, i can't believe how many times i've wanted to text you since i last saw you. I cried tonight when i felt hurt by something that happened at work today, and then i wanted to see you and talk with you.

It's going to be so embarrassing to try to tell you this next session.

Dear x-pdoc,

I have had so many emotions surrounding the letter I sent you especially while waiting for a response. I remind myself daily that the real loss is yours if you choose not to take me back as a patient. I can find a psychiatrist as good or better than you but you won't get to see the transformation that's happening to me regardless of how many patients you have...if it's not me. I do have so much anger in regards to your non-response so far. I also have some varying degrees of sadness with your seeming disinterest. All of that said, I realize the real loss is yours but you will probably never know because you'll never see what you are missing. You still have time to take me up on my offer but I doubt that will happen. My guess is if you haven't responded in the first week the reality is you probably never will. The strength I'm finding I have is far greater than I could have ever imagined and in part I owe DBT some thanks for that. Well, you'll never read this but it felt soooo good to get it all out.

T,

You are really quite good at handling my emotions you know. I'm sorry that you were concerned when I missed the appointment, and once you said that I felt guilty. But it's also weird, because no one has ever really said that to me. Weirder still, I actually mostly believed you.

And thank you for saying that you will make a point to remember that you asked me to do something. Although I also feel guilty for that, that I'm making you work more.

And I appreciated your attempt at joking when I was sitting there trying to calm down. I didn't get at first that it was a joke until you laughed; I probably looked horrified when you said you were going to sit outside the door to read a meditation to me! But it was pretty funny after I was no longer baffled.

YT,

I am giving your suggestion some thought.

I'm not sure I understood how you saw the email as a way to punish myself.... I just didnt want to take advantage of your kindness.

I'd really like to be able to email you I'm so sad...hearing you equate it to prostitution was hard.....

Do you pick your clients based on beauty too?

Dear T,

The ups and downs or in and out of reality feelings are so ****ing hard. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm sorry that it's like I get a moment of clarity and then I can't hold onto it after all. I'm sorry if I make you feel ineffective.

Sometimes I really want to be in your office. Even if alone. Just to sit in the chair or curl up in a ball on the floor. Even had a thought where I'm under your desk like a child hiding....I know it's ****ing weird....I just need a respite. If you would let me be with you for a minute and just say nothing but comfort me, I'd be ok. You say you want to hear about all of my feelings - everything and anything. All are welcome in your room. I just don't know but I believe you mean well. You're too nice, T. I don't deserve you. I think that's why I'm so scared you are going to make me go away soon.

Where were you when I desperately needed you after you hurt me so badly?

You just forgot about me???

You never really cared even though you said you did???

Was it all just another one of your LIES??

Do you think it was helpful to lie to me? You practically destroyed me.

Dear I am missing you We know longer meet and you think I still need to see someone. You changing agencies has me so sad.You are not working with Children and teens in the schools. I need you and miss you. I know I need to get a new T but don't want to replace YOU. The next T I will work hard not to get attached like I have with you. I miss those hugs you allowed when I asked. The last one I did not want to let you go!!!

Dear T,

I am getting myself involved with someone, I am unsure of. I get a bad feeling from talking to him, I don't know why. I am scared and alone, and I have no one to talk to about this. What to do? I wish I could call you or email you. I have no idea what I am going to do.

I wish I could take days off from my life like you do. You're very privileged, you know, living your quiet retirement with your little dog and your lovely condo, and family when you want them. What a very relaxing life you have. My last three days would have been much more pleasant if you'd have just not been so pushy. But you see- when you get burnt out... you can leave. When I get burnt out....

t, did you... ? part of me thinks you somehow did. I know we have a deep connection and all but... this? I can almost stretch my mind far enough to believe you did. Almost. But I won't ask you if you did. I wouldn't know how to ask.

Your seeping into my mind, like a loving poison. How is that even possible? I'm losing my sense of self with you, I'm not 100% sure where you start and I begin.

Dear T,

You are really amazing me right now. The 2nd last thing we talked about today I thought you were going to jump on and try to change, but you rephrased it in a way that makes it sound like I am doing the right thing, even though it's not normal. Thank you.

Dear T I am missing you... How long will you be in my thoughts? I enjoyed the 3 years we spent working on my trauma... I feel like you now have all my secrets. Now you are just in my mind. I don't want to replace YOU but I do need to talk about not enough transition time before you went to a new agency. I always wanted a friend like you. I got attached and never planned on it. You said Trust The Process.Told you several times this strong transference feels like a trick. This makes me so sad. I MISS SEEING YOU. I have trouble sleeping. I wake up and think of all the sessions. Wondering if I was a good client. Remembering all the hugs you would allow only if I asked. The last one I didn't want to let go. My heart was racing and you said you felt it when I hugged you. I miss you... My imaginary friend you became Real but not Real.

Hey T, well that worked out very well, I must say, you needing to reschedule this week's appointment. About an hour after I dropped your check in the mailbox this morning, I started thinking that I don't really need to talk to you this week. Then when I got home this evening I got your email about rescheduling. This is perfect actually, because while I do want to talk about the work I've been doing lately surrounding my "mother issues", it'll be good to have the extra time to live it, you know, see how it actually pans out the next few times I talk to her, stuff like that. You know? Rescheduling in late April is perfect for that, and since I have a couple days off work then the time difference won't be an issue. Thanks for everything t. You rock, totally!!

T I know i've done some strange things and broken boundaries over the last 2 days but I really need some connection at the moment. I just need to know you care.

Dear T,

I am starting to feel like you don't want to date me.

I know my career does not mean anything to you but FYI my reputation has been ruined. You have successfully come along and opened your mouth to ensure that I will be remembered as _______. My record was unblemished until you came along. It's a disgrace what you've done to me. No other T would have dreamed of hurting me like this. I am embarrassed now to go to work every day.

Dear T,

I read my notes from our first sessions from a year ago and some of my thoughts are the same as I have now! Does that mean therapy has failed? Ugh. I'm sorry I'm so ****ed up, T oh....and I missed seeing you last week I hate feeling so attached and yet detached from you all at the same time. I really do appreciate you despite that part of me that says she doesn't care. That part of me needs to stop it!

I have not told you so, but I am afraid that someday you will terminate me if I accidently say the "wrong" thing. I still need you.

I love you dearly for all you have taught me; for your patience; kindness; being non judgmental; always validating me.

:rotflmao:

........

Dear T

It's been a really bad day. I don't know why I always thought most people were good inside. That's not true. The reality is that most people are cruel. I need to take the opposite approach to life and believe in the worst first! (Even though I never expected much from people in general). I need to learn not to care. Maybe you could teach me that.