Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

I was scared you would judge me and blame me for that thing I told you about. I blame myself. I feel so ashamed by it, and that makes it hard to talk about. I wish we had spent more time talking about the shame, but I didn't focus on that when I was talking about it. So how could you know that was a major part of this? And honestly, until you reacted like you did, I didn't think anything bad about how I was treated because of it. Of course it was my fault, so why shouldn't I be spanked? I just feel so crushed and terrified by the shame I feel.

Dear T2,

Thank you for calling me to discuss how my pdoc sucks and for agreeing I am not bipolar. And I love you. Not that way though...I will never tell you that though because you might think I mean that way and THAT would be awkward. Eek.

Hey Pdoc,

You really are a good guy. Do you know that? You stayed late today when I was caught in that awful traffic jam. That was considerate of you, particularly since it really made for a long day.

And I am so thrilled that you asked for performance dates because you want to attend my concert. That's cool.

Thanks for being you.

Dear T,

Why am I so upset in session with you but I can calm myself down on my own? That doesn't make sense. It's not fair how I'm so emotional with you and then my needs become so clear and I'm able to articulate them only after I've left and then I have to wait a whole week to discuss them with you.

Maybe if I stopped asking you for things, I would get more of what I need. But that's not fair either. Transparency is important in a therapeutic relationship, on both sides. And I'm trying. I know I screw up a lot, but I really, really am.

Forgive me?

Dear x-pdoc,

I have a feeling you will end up just not responding to the letter I sent Feb. 20th. While I don't like that possibility...I have slowly become accepting of that very real possibility. It angers me that you seem completely disinterested in how I am doing NOW. But there again I become acutely aware of the realities that you provided a service you were paid for and nothing more. I have done all I can in a timely manner to restore our patient doctor relationship. I have no control over what you choose to do with that opportunity. All I could do was offer it. Farewell former doc I will miss you.

I want you to understand how upset I am at the moment. I know your advice is trying to help me, but what I really want is for you to just say that everything is going to be okay and you believe that I will be able to work it out. I don't believe I can, and I need someone else to believe in me. It isn't about practical solutions (although those are nice). It's about being confident in myself that I can solve these problems. Right now, I'm not. I feel out of control and like things are caving in on me. I want to just crawl back to my mom's house, where I will be subtly manipulated and guilted forever. It's easier than trying to figure out life on my own. I want to run away from all of the difficulties that life has in it, and go back to pretending that things are okay, even when they aren't.

Dear T, your not the only person in my life I can go to when I am struggling. I don't understand why you don't get that? Just because I tell you A LOT of stuff doesn't mean I tell you everything. Jazzy.

Dear T. I'm scared, no make that terrified for next week. Wish you could make me feel better.

Dear T,

1. Are you a mind reader? If you ever need to stop being a T, you'd do well as a psychic too

2. I miss you (as always).

3. I have tried texting you 3 times today, but haven't actually pressed 'send'. I need to speak to you, to hear your comforting voice after having had a ****** day. I am having pretty hardcore SI urges and its difficult to ignore them.

4. I miss you.

5. We have had a 'nice' and easy' couple of sessions recently, but I feel like I need to get to the nitty gritty.

6. I miss you.

Yours, affectionately,
HT.

Hey T,

It's been a few weeks since we last met. You know what kind of shape I was in before. (Of course you do. You were asking me to go back into the hospital.) You'll see I'm coming out of it finally, and I know you'll be happy about that.

I haven't the foggiest idea what to talk about tomorrow though. I've been so consumed medically with my symptoms that I haven't put much thought into the more psychological end. My brain is finally starting to work, so maybe something will come to mind. If not, I'm sure you'll steer me in the right direction. You always do. Time to get back to business.

Dear T (again).
I have failed

Dear T,

It's so hard to cone up with words for "it". You asked me to name it but I couldn't. The next session, when you named it and said the words like it's no big deal ... it helped. A lot. I will name it next time. Because it will not define me. I will take away its power.

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Dear T,
You've helped me so much. And I really like you and can be open with you relatively easily, but I think I may need an ED T.

I don't like talking about ED with you because I don't want you to say that it's something that you don't specialize in (I already know this) and I don't want you to tell me I need an ED T, but deep down I know I do.

But I don't want two T's. And I don't want to not see you.

But you're actually doing well handling my ED stuff. And I think I can get to the root of it with you. It's just scary to talk about as I fear being shipped off to an ED T.

My parents would flip.

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Dear T and Dear PDoc,

#6: The Court may order the case to immediate trial on the date of the pre-trial conference if the Court determines at the pre-trial Conference that (a) the parties will be the only witnesses; or (b) one party, by failure to appear at the pre-trial conference or otherwise, will not present a case; or (c) immediate trial is necessary to accomplish justice. ...

Let me highlight letter (a) as it's not highlighted on this Notice and Order, since a GAL is not being used. I am not brining in any statements from school and or doctors, at least not, unless, he[my exh] wants to go that route.

From, what I have read, about the points where he needs to bring forth to contest one half of these motions, my 'real advantage' test, isn't as uphill, as it would appear.

I will know much, much more in less that one month's time. And my, how I have grown.

Thanks, to both of you, for being who you both are.

-Me

Dear T: thank you for saying that I am strong enough to do this current bit of healing work that we talked about Tuesday evening. I haven't done it yet, but plan to tomorrow. I think it would be a little much to add to a work day. So, tomorrow. btw, I don't know if it would mean as much to anyone else but to me... the fact that you said "You are strong enough..." instead of "I think you are strong enough...." made me that much more confident that I am and I can. I must thank you again for never giving up on me.

This has been a painful, challenging month. I can't sum it all up here, but YOU know. Nonetheless, you're leaving me to falter, despite my best efforts to reach out for DBT tools after you had to move up one appointment and push out another. I did GREAT managing my PTSD this month, despite a constant hail of family, work, financial, physical stress. But I have my limits... and have reached them. I cried all day yesterday, before and after our session. Everything will be fine, fine fine, fine fine. I won't kill myself, I won't lose my job or flunk my class, hopefully. So, here's the thing... if I just have to suffer a while, but know it will all be fine...

why am I paying you?

Why am I paying you when you're not here when I could most use your help, and when you are here, you're pushing me in an unhelpful direction though I've mentioned at least a half dozen times that I need to focus on DBT, just for 30 minutes!

I needed concrete help. I am so overwhelmed. Thanks for nothing, except the idea for a bath. Do you seriously think you earned your hour fee for that gem???

Dear T

Where the hell do I start? I am tired with this stupidity of mine. B/P & SI aren't going to help, its not going to change anything, other than to make me feel worse about myself. Why do I do it? The SI wasn't even 'bad', it was a half hearted attempt at feeling something other than what I was feeling.
Your text this morning was lovely, thanks for that. It helps me to know that you are thinking of me.
I really wish I could have a hug from you right now. I hope I am brave enough to ask on Monday.
Just 1 final text to see me through the weekend would be nice, but I shouldn't ask (or expect) so much from you, I understand that.
I am hurting so much right now, but no doubt i'll walk into your room on Monday and be all like "I am fine, everything is fine, life is fine...FINE FINE FINE". I want to say that I feel useless, hopeless, miserable etc, but whats the point? Its not new and its boring to talk about. I expect its boring for you to hear too.
*sigh* Why is life so hard?
HT.

Dear T
Please don't leave me. I miss you soooo much!!! It hurts my heart not to see you as often.

Dear T,
You are awesome. I don't deserve someone like you in my life. I am such a disappointment. I'm depressed for no reason. I promised I'd call you if my thoughts reach an 8. They're at an 8. But I'm too scared to call. I wouldn't know what to say. I'm sorry.

Dear T,

I wish I could talk to you right now. This morning has really unsettled me.

Dear T,

It's hard to be me. How hard it is to be a certain way and have very little in the way of words to describe it all....how painful to try and share only to be rebuffed because you make so little in the way of sense. How lonely, T. How heartbreaking to think you've made a potential connection - only to see it twist into a belief that somehow you are trying to hurt someone else and that is in NO way your intention. To try to connect and then have it broken. To see all your hope washed down the drain in a blink of an eye. To be written off. To be labeled. To be told it's nothing at the end of it all.

That's what I mean. I think that is the reenactment in a nutshell. It gets played out both ways. I'm sorry.

Dear Pdoc,

There's an appointment, this month. Won't have major news, at that point. But, i must say, least depressing start to March, in five years. Maybe, longer, all things considered, thinking how I'd started being treated by you, around then.

-Me

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Dear T

I am glad I decided to put therapy first on Monday. Sure, work is very important, but its not a huge deal that I have to leave a bit early. I am looking forward to our usual Monday afternoon session.
HT.

Dear T:

I am so glad that I did not cancel my appointment earlier this week. I am also very glad I TOLD you I had been thinking about cancelling it, because you said "we should talk about that" and out of that discussion came one of the very good questions that you asked me. And then you asked ANOTHER very good question besides. I did not really answer either at the time. But I have been working on answering them since we talked, and this has proved very very enlightening for me. I look forward to our "check-in" in 12 days so I can share my answers.

I miss you and I wish you helped me shore up for a difficult weekend before going on your trip.

I think your trip is stupid. I think your message to me before the trip was stupid. I think your choice to brush off my DBT plan was very stupid. I think I am stupid for letting you do that, but I wasn't feeling good enough to advocate for it... I just kept following your lead. I don't know how to tell you how I'm doing, which is pretty hellish, without starting a fight, because I'm so mad that you left me like this. It's not your fault. I have to stop being blaming, you always say it does no good... but what about accountability. What about you not learning, time after time, that I NEED help and not giving it to me. You want to put me on the table and dissect my feelings though I've already laid them all out for you, so clearly, in writing, to give us time to help me hold my guts together a few days when I really need to. You don't care. You like to see them all laid out.

You don't share my fear of falling apart. If you'd done it... you would.

It's hard to stop crying and feeling like I'm breaking. I don't know what I'll say to you when you return. I can't see the point of this work we're doing when I'm in such pain. Then again, in other moments, I can. This is me... stressed out beyond my capacity. We talk about stress-meters... 1-10. My normal is a 5, and improving with treatment. Today... this is a 9. I'm trying not to think about scary things right now.

I am better than this. I'm better than bad communication and feeling like a petulant child and being afraid of a breakdown. I am better than this. But it helps to be reminded... and there's no one to remind me.

I need to remember: this feeling did not occur in isolation. This isn't me just randomly acting crazy.

Here's February:

Coworker & I have to decide which 6 of our 12 person team to lay off.
Lay them off.
Deal with three of them staying around two weeks, making for a sad, awkward work environment.
Take on the work of two of the six, in addition to my normal 60 hour per week job workload.
Attend a demanding full-time college course.
Have my husband home ill with the flu for two days.
Deal with the reality of living with him while not sure if our marriage will last.
Have my daughter home five days with the flu and on holiday.
Have a death in the family.
Cut back on therapy.
Deal with debt straightforward... no more money shuffling.
Deal with my husband telling kiddo we were going to get divorced if she didn't behave better.
Deal with their fighting.
Deal with her Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
Deal with her anxiety.
Find out it seemed he's been paying for online sex shows, which turned out to probably be credit card theft, also stressful.
Miss my therapist as she changed two appointments and isn't available.
Get sick.
Triggering dental procedure.
Triggering encounter w/homeless man.
Deal with serious topics in therapy, exposing and uncomfortable.

It wasn't all bad, but.... is it any wonder I'm completely overwhelmed right now. It shouldn't be. And if we add the PTSD to the mix, sigh.