Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

I hope he/she shows that they care. It's okay to ask for it. It really is.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T,

I don't want to leave you. I like you. I have affection for you. I know you're not helping me, but my money's just as good, right? Please don't make me leave you. I'm not ready. Maybe someday I will be, but right now I can't stand the thought of being abandoned all over again, or feeling like I missed an opportunity to work with you on stuff that you can help me with. Please don't make me leave.

it feels great to have you on my side


I feel a million times better
I feel energized
untrapped
relieved
thank you

Main T -- down to 20 min a week. Our time was too short already--what will I do?

CBT T-- don't have a yelling outburst while I'm driving unless I'm getting us into danger--which I wasn't. That outburst was weird. Underneath it all, are you just that irritated with me? Just own up to it.

Dear T, today when I received the phone call that you were cancelling due to the snow, well, I am not able to tell you how disappointed I am. Not in you, but just in the unfairness of life. My time with you is THE highlight of my life. I need your counsel. Missing my appointment is like.....well, it hurts a lot. (See you in two weeks--hoping I don't have another crisis between now and then).

I am so glad that you hear me when I need you to. I don't feel invisible or worthless around you. I feel valued and important. And I need that, as lame as it is. I need to experience that I do have a little bit of worth, because I don't believe it myself.

I forget you are there when I don't see you for a while. I feel an urge to connect with you but there is no crisis. I know I just need to get myself distracted and busy. I've seen you for years. How is it that the connection is so easily lost?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh how I wish I could say that.

CBT T- thanks for explaining that weird outburst and making me feel better about the whole thing.

Dear T, actually, Dear PDoc!!

Want to know a little TMI?!!? Yesterday, I had to tinkle ALL DAMN Day!! You know why?! It was like my childhood, where I would try to tinkle, for a more polite word, on the shed with the little neighbor boy, in an effort to show that I can.

Seems, on the surface, my health and my safety, DON'T matter, which, somewhere inside of me, hey with this Father's Rights Movement and all, half suspected!

See, all my exh had to do was say no and vocalize, that Boston is the best there is and the best there ever will be!

However, me being me, I did ask questions, and him, the judge, being HIM, and a little cranky, it was approaching lunch hour, did state specifically WHAT he needs to see before him.

Oh get this...YOUR TAX DOLLARS, yes, you and you and you...all of YOU are paying for 10 hours of a guardian ad litem.

I'll see you on Monday.

-Me

Dear T's...

I'm looking at a place, in the CITY, Friday. Yeah...you know, the same CITY where 'Most Hated' and that guy that got stopped in the middle of the road, behind me, and asked to step out of the vehicle by an ARMED under cover cop?! Yeah....THAT city!!

hmmmm...

yeah....best interests...

-Me

Dear T, I'm sorry. No way I'm looking for another therapist, I just felt lost.

I just saw you Monday but everyone came back Tuesday. My brain is betraying me and I trust no one. I need you to tell me what to do.

Dear T,

I wish I could ask you why you charged me $5 extra on two appointments in a row a couple of weeks ago, then went back to charging me my regular fee last session. I was too embarassed to ask, cause I feel like payment for our sessions is the thing I like to pretend doesn't exist...I'd like to think it's just cause you're old and forgetful. lol.

Oh God, why did you just go off on one at me? I'm recovering from an eating disorder, how dare you judge me and tell me what to eat and not to eat?! Why did you speak so harshly to me. I know you will abandon me soon.

CBT T,

I lied to you...and I never lie. I suck at it...and I usually have no reason to. But I was too ashamed to tell you the truth and now I REALLY don't know how to.


Psychodynamic T,

Well...if you ask the same question CBT T asks me, I won't lie to you. I don't know what that means, exactly. Since I actually trust you less since you are all over the place. I talked the WHOLE freaking time last session because I didn't know what would happen if I stopped...would you get all weird and uselessly therapisty on me? You are never, ever right when you do that...I feel very far away from you then and wonder why I am there.

Pdoc,

Aggghhhh!!!!!! Wth is up with this metadate crap? Please call me back tomorrow so I can get more generic ritalin...I was so sick all day.

T,

Today I wanted to be close to you to know that you were actually there, and were there for me at that meeting. Is that wrong? I am afraid that thinking that is wrong and that I might have crossed boundaries.

Dear T: I'm wondering something, don't have the words formed yet to try to explain what I'm thinking about, it's kinda deep, in a good way, maybe by the time we talk again I'll have figured out what I'm attempting to postulate. I still have 4 weeks so hopefully that will be enough time. I want to talk to you before then of course, because I have so much good work I've been doing to share with you. But I don't see how it's possible since by the time I get off work that's too late for you and before work in the morning is too early for me and there's NO chance of me getting any time off work until the day we are scheduled anyway. Meh.

CBT T - thanks for wanting me to "feel safe". Usually I do with you.

Yelling was the currency of my family growing up, so your outburst temporarily put you in the "unsafe" column. Glad to have you back on my side again.

Why didn't you trust me? I believed in you and you turned your back on me. Why?? Why did you treat me so poorly?

I have to pay my dentist with my therapy money for the next few months. That means no therapy. And I am afraid you are angry at me for it. But I can't help the fact that I needed a root canal that cost so much. I needed to be able to chew on that tooth without pain. This wasn't an easy decision and I hope you understand that. And I also don't want you to feel bad for me, because the idea of not seeing you for two months is terrifying to me. But I am trying to be strong because it's also not fair to you to expect, after all you've done, to see me as cheaply as you have suggested. I would rather you have that time open to see other clients for a better price. You're worth more than what you gave me as a possible price and I would feel so guilty taking that from you. Ugh, I don't know what to do.

Take the cheaper price. That's what I did because I need help and my therapist realizes it. She offered so that I can come every week. Which I need. She gets a boatload of money from your insurance carrier every time she sees you. You ARE worth it. Even though you don't believe it.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

My T doesn't get any insurance money. What I pay her is what she gets, end of story. I can't afford the reduced price she has suggested anyway, and now she's offering to see me for two months for free. I don't like that idea, because it's really not fair to her. She deserves to have that time free to actually make money for doing her job.

Don't ask me to text you an update if you won't answer! You know those three points at the end of my text meant: I'm hurting, I'm hopeless, I need you now... I thought you'd get that apparently I was wrong

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know it's hard, but T's aren't mind-readers. If you need help, can you text again and make it obvious?