Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I'm so nervous about tomorrow. I wish you could be here with me to help calm me down and to give me encouragement. I will try to remember what you said: that if it's a flop, it doesn't define me.

I have to talk to you tomorrow about my negative thoughts. Please be gentle. The last time we tried this, I shut down completely. I don't want to do that, but it's so hard for me to open up when I hear all the negative things I think about myself being talked about. It brings all my insecurity and fears up and can overwhelm me.

I need your help, but I'm not sure I can ask for it........

Dear T,

I know it's hard to understand my point of view since things like this don't happen to you. You've never been bullied I'm sure. But I can't get over how anyone could cause such harm to me and then turn their backs and pretend it never happened. Can you understand that?

T,

You can not email me 2 hours before a session to tell me you have a new office and seriously not expect me to FREAK! I'm both nervous and excited butttt your excitement makes me feel like I "have" to like it AND its so permanent - it's YOURS officially....wow.

I guess I can see now how other people on PC are so affected by new offices and stuff. Total shift in mind-frame just now.

At least it happened on a good day - but I still may bring a comfort item with me, even if I don't show it to you or tell you about it. :P

T,

Um...so I just noticed you signed your email differently ...WHAT IS GOING ON?! Too many changes in one day woman - too many lol. OK. I'm done.

Dear T.

WOW, what a session. It was just...lovely. I felt utterly understood and listened to. Thank you. Looking back at how far I have come in the last 4 years was a great idea, and I really cant believe the changes and improvement that I have shown. Your help has been invaluable to me and I know you have worked so hard (as hard as I have) to make this relationship work.

When the people at the old place said that I was "too damaged to ever form a relationship or attachment" they obviously had no clue what they were talking about. We sure showed them , huh!

I will be thinking of you when you have your op on Thursday, take care of yourself, my dear lovely T.

HT.xxx.

DearT,, PDoc T,

Here's why the thanks. I arrived back in your office, back in October '12, still pining for the crush that just was to never happen. That lengthy email affair, oft feeling it was more local, on a deep gut level. You were casually talking my ear off. Upon rescheduling, I turned back and looked,at you. Perhaps in some twisted transference moment, saying to myself, F, You know what, you are worthy of attraction to/from other men, intelligent men. Then, Dec rolled around, after all this journalling, poetic workthrough, and a few dreams analyzed. At that point, my crush refused to meet me. You, in a most serious gaze, looked me in the eye, saying 'People Lie!'
Yeah, yeah, to myself!!! Darn right, came away, feeling, you know what, F, screw this fantasy effect. Break free!!!
And I did. I broke free. I ended that emotional affair. With you, giving my wings an extra boost.

So thank you, more than you realize!

-Me

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Dear T,

Today was great. I fell in love with you all over again today. New office, new feel, new us. Let's get to healing; i'm choosing to trust you.

T1,

Today was ok. Not really feeling much, but sorry about the sarcasm at the end...sigh. Have a nice vacation and it better be warm outside when you get back!

T2,

Ugh, would you leave me if I told you how I was feeling? Maybe. I am not telling you anyway. I am glad I have T1 to talk to about you, although it's ridiculous, really. I also really hope it snows BEFORE my appt. tomorrow because I don't feel like going. I'm not even trying to avoid anything...I just don't know what to say, and you aren't very good at getting much out of me. If you ask me about dating or going out with friends again I am going to scream...that has got to stop. I told you I need to fix myself first, so HELP ME already...

Dear T,

If I walk in and right of the bat ask you in the scheme of thing is self harm really that bad. Will I throw you off? I know I'm put together in front of everyone. It'll tell you exactly where I am at. Do you realize I've been depressed for 6 month in spite of doubling my anti-depressant? I asked you one time why you have never asked me to go to the crisis center. You told me its because I'm the strongest person you know and some how I always pull myself back from from the edge. I'm starting to believe that I'm incredibly strong but it's not fair. I should be allowed to crumble.

Hey T! I hope I remember to tell you that this latest assignment is the best one you've ever given me! I know you suggested it before about what was it 4 months ago, but it didn't 'work' then because I guess I just wasn't ready for it at the time. I was certainly ready for it this time because wow T - I am way impressed.

You've been reading up on different techniques, haven't you? You brought some somatic processing principles in today, which was a nice change. I wish I had been more prepared for it and more comfortable describing what was going on in my body. It probably would have been more effective. Maybe next time, huh?

Also, are you sure you won't ever kick me out? Because I might just stay forever if it's up to me when I leave. I don't think you would mind that, but I'm just letting you know... I always assumed that when we were done, we'd be done, but it's reassuring to know I will be able to contact you in the future whenever I want or need to. I wonder if that means if I ever find a guy to marry, you'd go to my wedding. I think you might. Consider this an invite whenever that finally happens in my life.

Lots of emotions today, too. I felt very exposed. I also feel a little bad for telling you I think your care has limits. I just can't imagine that yours (or anyone's) care is permanent and unconditional. It's very hard for me to accept that. You didn't seem bothered, though, and I think you expected me to have that answer, or something similar. Have you figured out that my texts are, in part, me trying to remind myself that you really are available and consistent? I had hoped you might put those pieces together so that I didn't have to spell it out. I'm not normally attention-seeking and it's a little embarrassing that I am acting so needy and clingy. Yet sometimes I run in the complete opposite direction and try to put as much emotional ground between us as possible. I'm basically a train wreck just waiting to happen in that regard.

I think I really saw, for the first time today, exactly how much you have invested in me. You genuinely do care, both about what I have been through, and about me now. You even said you see me in your mind's eye as a child and would love to have scooped me up in your arms and held me and listened to me. I had to really fight back tears, because I didn't realize until that moment that you actually cared about her, not just about me now. I do think you feel what I felt and are there with me, in my memories.

It took you 9 years to trust your T when you were in therapy?!? That makes me feel a little better about the snail's pace I've been going. I don't think it will take me 9 years (I hope!), so that's good.

Pretty much, just thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. You said I can't buy your care, and I really don't think I have to. I will try to hold onto this feeling of connection, but I can't guarantee it will last more than 24 hours. But I will try, before swinging back over to hating myself and assuming you do, too.

You seem more interested in meeting my husband soon, then answering my emails back politely.

Dear T...thank you for being there for me, thank you for being kind, thank you for wanting to help me through this. I am not used to someone staying when the going gets tough.....this will undoubtedly be very healing for me, if it keeps up. It's also a bit scary.

I also did hear when you kindly shared that you have also experienced such high levels of anxiety in your past......I know this is a big thing for you to share with a client.....I just couldn't acknowledge it at the time, but I really hope it's ok if I ask you about it another time? I know you may not elaborate, but it may really help me.

Dear T,
not sure this is working for me, anymore.

Dear T,

You are really pissing me off right now
And so am I.

Dear T,

Thanks for knowing I've been testing you all this time (even when I didn't realize it), and for waiting so patiently for me to touch on what's hurting so much to then tell me so. To tell me you understand and that it's even expected and perfectly ok. I'm so thankful for that.....I just don't know why you did it. It doesn't fit with my worldview and I'm at a loss for words....

Dear T,
I see you more than a t. I see you as my cheerleader and someone who encourages me and wants the best for me. To be rushed and to feel unimportant just hurts and puts me back into reality. You are my t and nothing more. It's my fault for becoming attached. I'm all alone.

Dear T, holy flipping sheepfrogs!!!! you're darn tootin that was great work tonight. I have just decided that I must win a big lottery so I can continue talking to you as long as I f'ing feel like it money be dammed!!

oh and T - see what happens when you encourage me - I bet you won't be doing that again for a long time. I hope your ears don't bleed after you listen to it.

Tomorrow I just need to vent. I don't even care if you listen. But I just need to go there and vent. See ya soon!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

...and T, thank you for the clinical way you signed off your email response this morning. In the past I would have been upset by the impersonal-ness of it, but not now. I think it was the last push I needed to stop making appointments. Our work isn't so much therapy anymore and hasn't been for awhile. You said it yourself last night that you've become more of a mentor to me and since I'm paying out of pocket since you moved, it's getting harder for me to do that with the therapy not so much in the picture anymore. So it's time for ME to move along for reals this time. I love you, I'm so grateful to you for how much you have helped me to help myself in the past 2+ years, but it's time for me to let you go.

(ok. I said it here. Now to figure out how to say it for reals to you.)

I guess it would be wrong to send it in a letter huh.

Dear T,

Please please please be safe in this weather and on these roads. Just stay in the house and stay warm.

Dear T,

Did you ever feel like all you were doing was giving a client "acting" lessons? Just want you to know that I can see through the show.