Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

I want to climb down into my shame hole and not come out.

There are no words, really.

Dear T, I'm afraid about moving. I will have to pay rent and cut our sessions to twice a month which I'm not ready for. And what if I can't even afford that then? Thank God you have other clients. But what about me.. you have no idea how bad I feel right now.

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*hugs*

I'm in the same boat. Almost exactly. My T is helping me out and working with me on it. Can you talk to your T about it?

Dear T,
The anger festers more and more everyday. Do u realize how much violence goes through my head? I constantly fight it do u don't get hurt, but there's only so much restraint.

Dear New therapist,
I just don't think this is going to work out. I am too terrified to work in therapy. Too terrified of being terminated suddenly. Too afraid to care.

Hi HazelGirl, thank you! I've been following your posts - was just thinking about you since I don't have any decent idea. I'm sorry, it's a tough situation indeed.. I still have to tell my T. I don't think she got an idea of how the salary can vary depending on the shifts..

(Your T is great by the way, I'm really glad she's helping you to find a good solution).
Hugs to you

Going 1 week without a session should be easy...You being on vacation this week and even unacsessable through email has been so difficult. Just know you are there during the week always helps me.

Oh and I am so jealous. You have been so happy lately and your life is changing for the better. You have an amazing boyfriend and doing a lot more traveling. I on the other hand feel like my life is in a rut.

Dear T's,

The words, used...

Though the final contract in 2012, left out that final section, when my docs couldn't be opened by the Assoc pres on her computer, and my former boss, then used old copy due to spreadsheet formatting issue, I do say....
The words, to describe hostile work environment, pulled directly from OSHA employee handbook, that I'd printed for negotiating...

*taking bow*...

See you all, soon...

-Me

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Goodbye...and for the last time, I'm sorry.

7 more days and a wake-up...

When I said I've been trying for months to ask you for a hug, did you understand that that also meant I wanted one today?

Our last appointment yesterday was almost two hours long. Thank you for spending that extra time on me. I needed it, and I needed to be able to talk about all we talked about. I feel so much more at peace and calm about my current situation.

I really hope the vibe is better in today's session. I am anxious to see and talk to you. I appreciate the harsh, blunt, and much needed honesty in Tuesday's session. It was strange how it stung, yet felt completely healing. I love when you open my eyes to things I am not seeing and how you listen so intently that you remember so many details of my life- things we talked about almost a year ago, I did not even remember I told you. You are able to put all of these pieces together and help me make serious changes. I believe you are one amazing, unique therapist...but I wish your little attitude didn't get in the way so much!
I wonder what room we'll be in today...I need a lot of comfort, sensitivity, and positive energy today. Please and Thank you.

-Ally

P.S. This made me think of you, but I'll probably never show you.

T,
wow, you were awesome last night. I think I finally understand it, I finally believe it. You really ARE in for the journey, you really ARE invested in me. I still can't believe how attuned you were to know I was in an emergency. What you did for me last night, no one has ever done for me before! Thank you, I am so very thankful. You saved my life, well you saved what time I have left.
I want to tell you today that I finally believe it, after all this time. That I finally know I am worth your effort and care. I hope I have the courage to say this out loud.
Thank you!!

I forgot about the liability. How did this not come to my mind right away? I got too comfortable. Lesson learned. Just took me a while longer than it should have. I'm so tired and know I need a little food. But I have to work and it feels as though the world is on my shoulders.

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Dear T, can we have a longer session than normal on the 24th? I just have so much I want to talk about. I worked some overtime this week so I can pay for the extra time. Please? Why is typing here the only way I can get those words out? Sheesh. I don't know how you put up with me.

I'm going to die of frustration-help

ugh. I'm just flailing around emotionally again. I hate when I do this. Things are just so freaking complicated in my head. I hate talking to you about this subject and I KNOW you don't like it either. I was pretty surprised when you told me you didn't want to "dwell" on this subject, because I didn't think that's what I was doing. It's not like I'm doing it for fun or anything. It sure as hell is not fun for me.

Screw you, Dr W!

Don't be surprised when I just walk out. I'm almost there.

Dear T,

I don't know if it's because of my lack of control of the situations around me right now or something I am unaware of but something in session yesterday made me feel terribly attached to you. I know that we have formed some type of bond and maybe some sort of relationship but what I feel today feels more like an "I don't want to lose you" ache although you are not going anywhere. I think I'm honestly truly beginning to see that you are my "safe" person and maybe this is the last hurdle before I fully let my guards down but the amount of "whatever this feeling is that I feel right now" is bursting inside of me. I find myself forcing away tears that have welled up because of this unexpressed, hard to conceive, unknown to me emotion I feel. It's making me feel sad and yet safe all at once and I don't know what that means.

Anyways, I wish I could tell you these things instead of posting them on here but I'm not ready for that. Still, thank you for being consistent and showing me love.

- Teal

dear T

why do u look at me with sad eyes. i dont like it. it makes me feel like i am hurting u. u said u feel helpless hwen im hearing voices. im sorry. what can i do to make it better......

me

Dear T,

God - I'm so sorry.....I feel extremely guilty. I'm sorry if I'm doing something wrong. I just wanted to be honest with you as it was eating me up inside but I'm so worried about your feelings and burdening you. T, honestly, you are human! I just don't want to put you in a bad position, but if I don't tell you things to protect you from me then why come to therapy to begin with? I don't know how to do this - to care about you and also care about myself when the two sometimes seem to conflict for me. I just don't know I'm sorry. I'd rather hurt me than you. You don't deserve it.

My Dearest T,

You are BACK! I couldn't be happier, thank you so much for today and showing me a bond still exists and never really went anywhere. As uncomfortable as it was, we needed that talk last session. It was so easy to talk to you today and you sat so close again without me saying a word. Let's see if this sticks and things continue to get better...

<3 Ally

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I don't know if I can express how thankful I am for you. I don't think I have the words (or the courage) to tell you bluntly how much you mean to me. I try to, and I try to hint at the positive things you are giving me, but I don't know if I can expressly say it.