Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,
I still don't feel better. Two sessions in one week and I'm feeling worse. I wish I would just cry. I have so much to say. I don't know what I want or need. Talking today wasn't really helpful. I feel horrible. I wish I could sit in your office and just cry. If I don't get it together by Tuesday, I may plan to sit and simply cry. But, I know by then, I'll cover up and pretend to be ok. Another part of me wants to cancel therapy for Tuesday until I get my life together. I just want to be able to sit and cry and for someone to tell me it's ok to cry, I'm safe, and that they won't judge me. I want to be able to just sit in my tears.

Dear TT
I'm sorry I called you an idiot. But saying that you could "hold my ankles" if I were starting to slip over the cliff is just plain stupid. No one has that ability, even though you obviously THINK you do. I cancelled next week b/c you're going too fast. Maybe I'll leave and do the trauma work with my beloved T. At least she's not an idiot.

Dear T,

Who am, I rooting for, tonight? Bruins, seriously, that won't change about me. Hey wow, I could actually be there, right now, showing off my beloved black and gold

-me (1-0, as I write) ((think i can use the fact it's easier to score tickets, as an advantage ))

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Dear T: I had a nightmare a couple nights ago and I've been working with it the past couple days and I think it was preparing me for coming face to face with another aspect of my Shadow that I may be subconsciously 'waking up to' lately. Egads I think you were way too right when you said "the work never stops". It doesn't, does it.

You do hate me, don't you? You are tired of dealing with me. I was just too stupid to see it before. How do I always make the worst choices when it comes to dealing with other people? I hate myself right now. I tried to let you see me for who I really was, and you insisted I wasn't too much for you and that you didn't dislike me. You promised not to go anywhere and you were supposed to care. You have not responded to anything I have written to you outside of sessions in the past two weeks. It would be one thing if you talked to me about it and explained why. But this is something entirely different. You insisted I could text you. You said I could trust you and that you wouldn't leave. And now when I need you, I am alone and you have abandoned me.

I am sorry for being too much to handle and for causing you to hate me. I am sorry that I am such a terrible person that I contaminated even you. I know you aren't a bad person, so I only have myself to blame. I bring out the worst in people. It's all my fault. I should just run away from it all. I am obviously fatally flawed and broken, and I will never be able to overcome my past. I am too needy and I run everyone off. I cause everyone to hate me because I deserve it. You don't even know everything yet. I can't win. I will always fail. I am toxic and poisonous to the people around me and will never be able to have good relationships. I hope I die in my sleep tonight.

I know I already said this to you yesterday, when I was in sheer panic almost at the thought that you wanted rid of me. But please, even though I am being a totally useless and hardwork childish client with needs that are too great.....please please don't be like everyone else and leave me when the going gets tough.

Please, I really need to be able to see you, I hate that I do.....but I will just go back to a frozen shell of a person if I have to stop therapy. I don't think I could go through this phase of beginning to trust and build a relationship with another T. It would kill me!

So please, please just stay and see this through, and tell me that you will until I can actually believe it. I need this now. (And I hate that I do)

Dear x-pdoc,

I'm having a really hard time accepting your no in response to my letter asking you to be my pdoc again. I really want to write you another letter laying out why I disagree with your decision in a very nice and concise way. I don't hate you for saying no...I just respectfully disagree with the decision. However for now I will refrain from sending you the letter and allow myself more time to let your actual non-response sink in. I think it was quite rude not to call give an actual response and quite unprofessional. For some reason...well, never mind...



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Dear newish T: Please never sit next to me again.
That is all.

Dear T,

Who knew just how hard this whole experience would be? I mean, it's been excruciating and I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface. I don't know how I feel about it or you right now....I'm embarrassed for being so ****ed up. For being so needy and trying to cover it up and yet I know in my heart you see through all of this - which leads it to a whole new level of embarrassment! It's incredibly dysfunctional.

I still do appreciate you *very* much despite the part of me who is convinced you aren't really on my side. I don't know where I'd be right now.....I hope you won't leave yet. I hope you at some level care about me more than just as a job you have to do (a job you might even hate). Like as a person.........

I have this overwhelming yearning to hug you out of gratitude. I just want to squeeze you. I promise I wont break a rib.

Hey T, thanks for answering my email, I didn't expect that! It made me smile. I wanted to share that poem because we had talked in February about the possibility of one coming to me the way this one did, so when it happened, I knew I had to share it and not wait until my next appointment. And thanks for reminding me that I can ask for a sooner appointment if I want to... I might just take you up on that.

Dear T. I am so sorry that I have needed you so much lately. I have really tried to use all the skills you have tried to tech me. Yet the last weeks have been so difficult...how do I tell you that the way I have been coping is with alcohol? I know that you have always said alcohol only increases depression and mood disorders. However, that has been what is getting me through the day... you are there to answer emails but I want and know you still to have a life..at least alcohol helps me forget that my life sucks even if it is only for the evening..
\

I sure could use some of that bravery you're always saying I have.

Can you just email some of that to me? That'd be great.

Ok, so you finally responded to one of my texts. I am glad you're not completely ignoring me. It worried me that you hadn't responded.

Oh gawd, please be kind when you read the email I sent you tomorrow. I hope it doesn't spoil your Monday morning. I just need some help, and to not feel abandoned right now.....or stupid. Please?

X-pdoc,

I have accept your non-response to my previous letter as the no I believe it was intended to be. However, there are now three words I attach to you that I never did before. Those are: rude, disrespectful, and immature. Regardless of what you think of me probably because of the way our relationship ended(which I apologized for soon after the termination) I deserve better than to be tossed aside like garbage. The very least you could have done was dictate a letter declining my request and had it sent to me. Very simple and easy. I would have let bygones be bygones.

Do not worry about further requests for consideration as you have been dropped from the prospective psychiatrist category in my mind. I will find one who not only deserves the respect I give him/her because he/she has earned it but one who fully respects me and that I make decisions I believe to be in my own best interest. Ie: switching therapists without a consult first.

You may not agree with any of this and that's none of my business anymore. If you read this my voice has been heard and that is ALL that matters to me in this situation.

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i'm in a horrible dark place

Dear T,

Funny how I was feeling fairly secure in my relationship with you and thought I had found a great therapist. I didn't know there was a competition going on. I'm always the last to know these things. However, I do know that I lost. Guess it was all just a game to you wasn't it? A game at my expense.

Dear T,
I still want to cancel for Tuesday. I don't see anything good coming from our session. A part of me wants to email you what I've said in my alone time so you can hear my pain. But, I'm vowing to avoid calling or emailing you. I may edit it and send you parts of it but I feel that you may need the whole thing. I could also write it out and bring it with me. Just know, I'm choosing to handle things on my own. I hope I don't have an attitude on Tuesday. Ugh, I want to cancel but you won't get that I'm hurting and I just want to let it all out. So, I guess I'll go and try to stay quiet and reserved.

I almost had a nervous breakdown today--I thought I was getting psychosis. I wanted to call you but wasn't sure if you'd send me to the hospital. I'll tell you all about it later... just have been too scared to call and tell you over the phone.
It was exhausting. I slept and am better now.

You replied to my email, and explained what you really meant that I couldn't hear last week. You were validating, empathetic, reassuring, clear(which you know I need) and you got back to me quick smart given it was a Monday and I know what your schedule is like on a Monday morning.

But......

I just wanted you to call me, to make sure I was ok, to protect me, to help me feel better..........I wanted you to take care of me. I realise I may have wanted you to be the father that I never had. S h I t!!!!!!!!! What is that???

That I will probably never tell you. Although, I bet you already know after my outburst last week. Siiiiiigh.

I just wanted you to call me, to make sure I was ok, to protect me, to help me feel better..........I wanted you to take care of me. I realise I may have wanted you to be the mother that I never had. S h I t!!!!!!!!! What is that???

Why do you never respond? I am going crazy here. I really need support today. I am totally alone and completely freaking out. My last day at my job and no-one is here to say goodbye - I hate life.

I could have written this word for word. So sorry Jane. I hate this feeling.

Dear T

I have no idea what happened in todays session. I spent ages looking forward to it and then spent the whole time being argumentative with you, blocking you, dismissing you and generally being a pain in the bum.
I just don't know why I did it.
I am just tired of it all. Tired of battling with my demons, it sometimes just seems easier to not bother.
You saw me at a really low point today, I hate that you saw me like that.

But I am glad that we sorted it out and that we have another session for later on this week. I hope its better than todays.

I need you to be here for me. Please show me that you care - just for once. Xx