[Yearning0723]

I don't even remember how we'd gotten onto this topic, but somehow I found myself telling my T about a super traumatic thing that happened a couple years ago when I was 16.

I'd been feeling suicidal and I told my dad that, and when he completely ignored me and told me to get out of his office and leave him alone so he could get some work done, I got really hysterical and couldn't stop crying because I just really wanted him to hear me and be there for me and understand me. Which he did not want to do, so he told me he was going to have to take me to the hospital, which I was terrified of and did not want to do (I was really sick when I was a little kid and in and out of the hospital a lot for blood/platelet transfusions and am terrified of needles as a result).

So his solution was to call the police and have them take me to the hospital, which was even MORE terrifying because I was a 16 year old kid and here were three really big men telling me that if I didn't come with them they were going to MAKE me come with them (this fear probably originates from the fact that my mother and stepfather physically abused me for many years, and as a result I don't like people putting their hands on me, especially if I don't know them).

So naturally I did not want to go with them and one of them put handcuffs on me and they pretty much carried me to the police car and took me to the hospital. By which time I was having a major panic attack and was having a lot of difficulty breathing and could not stop crying. By that point I was just acting like a five year old and spent literally six or seven hours sobbing hysterically and asking everyone I saw for hugs and asking them if I could call my mother, to which everyone said no, and I had to stay overnight because it was 10:00 and the doctor wouldn't be there until the next morning, and they gave me a couple of needles which were terrifying, and I was pacing around the room I was in and the nurse that was there said if I didn't sit down on the bed she would put me in restraints, and it was literally the most terrifying night of my life.

And in the morning when they finally let me call my mother, she came, but she accused me of only calling her to get attention or to manipulate the doctors into letting me go home and told me that if this ever happened again not to call her next time.

And for some reason I told all this to my T and she was super, super supportive of me and said she was really sad for me that I'd gone through that and that other people hadn't helped me or "seen" me in that moment in the way I needed to be seen. And that to me felt like a really, really good response that made me feel like this huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. I never shared that with ANYONE before except my ex-T who thought my dad had done the right thing and I should have just calmed myself down and dealt with it (this was probably why I stopped seeing that T shortly thereafter).

But I feel like that is probably when I identified my T as this super safe person in my life and then started feeling really attached to her...which I guess is maybe normal, all things considered? We've been working together for six months, probably only started working WELL together in terms of trust two or three months ago, and the feeling of attachment didn't really start until this happened...

[HazelGirl]

I am so sorry that happened to you. That's terrible. She's right, you were completely ignored, and unseen.

As for the attachment, it's totally normal, especially at the time you are describing. I have been seeing my T for a year and a half and it's only been in the past two months that I have really started to feel "attached". Prior to that point, she could have left and it wouldn't have mattered much. But it is a little shocking and scary when it happens, especially if you don't normally allow yourself to get close to people.

The best thing you can do (and the most terrifying) is to tell her how you feel. It will help the feelings be not so intense, and she will be able to help you through understanding what you feel and why.

[Yearning0723]

I know I have to tell her how I feel...I guess I just don't know how. Also, I'm scared she'll start acting more distant if I tell her that because maybe it's not healthy for me to be dependent on her (even though I don't think I actually am - I've been making a lot of really good changes on my own and doing really well lately, but I don't want her to THINK I'm dependent on her). Although that's probably just my old issues talking...

I am so sorry that happened to you. What a horrendous experience for a young kid who was already feeling terrible. i am very sorry.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I know I have to tell her how I feel...I guess I just don't know how. Also, I'm scared she'll start acting more distant if I tell her that because maybe it's not healthy for me to be dependent on her (even though I don't think I actually am - I've been making a lot of really good changes on my own and doing really well lately, but I don't want her to THINK I'm dependent on her). Although that's probably just my old issues talking...

Yeah - is it your "being dependent" (whatever that means) that gets you into trouble, or was it your wanting to be seen, be recognized as a person with needs, that was met with such misery in the past? I went thru a period where i just kept asking my t if this was okay - whether it was a hug, or a change in schedule time, or whatever - i couldnt believe it was okay. Because before, nothing was okay. Its our ts job and aim to stick with us until our mindset believes it is now okay - which takes a while.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah - is it your "being dependent" (whatever that means) that gets you into trouble, or was it your wanting to be seen, be recognized as a person with needs, that was met with such misery in the past? I went thru a period where i just kept asking my t if this was okay - whether it was a hug, or a change in schedule time, or whatever - i couldnt believe it was okay. Because before, nothing was okay. Its our ts job and aim to stick with us until our mindset believes it is now okay - which takes a while.

Hm...maybe both...but I guess the real thing is using people in a way that isn't appropriate, like for example if I wanted my T to be my mother or my friend or something (which I don't, but did in the past with former Ts). I think right now I've coded her more as "supportive, safe, caring adult in my life" as opposed to "T" (although I guess what the role of a T is isn't necessarily so clear cut). And also that I feel like the role of a T is probably to help their clients to become independent instead of encouraging dependency, so in my mind this means that she's supposed to be there for me for fifty minutes a week and that's all, and the rest of the time, it's up to me to deal with stuff on my own.

For example, I've called her maybe four or five times between sessions over the past two months or so, and this week I dealt with something difficult in a really mature way and was super proud of it and naturally she was the first person I wanted to tell, but our session isn't until Tuesday, so I wanted to call and leave a message (which I've done once before, which she didn't seem to mind...). But then I didn't want her to think I needed her, especially since I didn't; I WANTED to tell her that thing but I also figured it could wait until Tuesday, so I slept on it and the desire to call her somewhat diminished. But mostly situations like that where I don't want her to feel like I'm relying on her too much...

[Yearning0723]

Or possibly that I feel like I might have coded her as an attachment figure, like a safe "home base from which it is safe to explore the world," which I obviously never really had before. (T is big on attachment theory, and I don't know if she'd be too comfortable with this interpretation of the therapeutic relationship...I don't know if that's "accurate" or not, but it feels like it might be.)

[unaluna]

Thats my alltime favorite t book, The Misuse of Persons, by Sidney Cohen!

[HazelGirl]

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your T. I don't think she will pull away from you, especially if she is big on attachment theory. She will be glad that you are coming to see her as safe. I would also bet that it's okay to call her and tell her things you are proud of and want her to know. Heck, I texted my T this past week just to say hi. I didn't have a reason to do so, and she said it was an okay thing for me to do. So I don't think your T would mind if you told her anything you have told us here.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your T. I don't think she will pull away from you, especially if she is big on attachment theory. She will be glad that you are coming to see her as safe. I would also bet that it's okay to call her and tell her things you are proud of and want her to know. Heck, I texted my T this past week just to say hi. I didn't have a reason to do so, and she said it was an okay thing for me to do. So I don't think your T would mind if you told her anything you have told us here.

She probably wouldn't...I mean, she wouldn't have given me her number if she didn't want me to use it (although I think she may or may not have specified when she gave it to me that the point was to use it for scheduling), and it's her job to tell me if she's feeling uncomfortable with something, not mine. I guess it's just that I know she's a really boundaried person in general so it feels like maybe I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do by calling for things outside of scheduling...I mean, she didn't explicitly tell me NOT to, but she didn't exactly say I could.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

She probably wouldn't...I mean, she wouldn't have given me her number if she didn't want me to use it (although I think she may or may not have specified when she gave it to me that the point was to use it for scheduling), and it's her job to tell me if she's feeling uncomfortable with something, not mine. I guess it's just that I know she's a really boundaried person in general so it feels like maybe I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do by calling for things outside of scheduling...I mean, she didn't explicitly tell me NOT to, but she didn't exactly say I could.

You'll never know if you don't try. Worst case scenario? You are asked not to do so again, which leaves you where you currently are.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

You'll never know if you don't try. Worst case scenario? You are asked not to do so again, which leaves you where you currently are.

I know...I will definitely do this when I see her Tuesday. Probably just my old patterns again, because the thing I'm REALLY scared of is her telling me not to reach out to her because reaching out to her outside of session is WRONG. I know logically if she was going to say that she would have already said it, and when I wanted a phone session a few weeks ago between sessions because of something that had really upset me, she was happy to do it and told me that she was really glad she was able to be there for me...so my fear probably isn't all that rational and I know that. But knowing it's irrational doesn't actually do anything to make it go away.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand. The fear doesn't go away just because you tell yourself that it isn't real. That's where courage comes in, and you leap and hope it ends up okay.

Oh, and even if she doesn't want you to call her, it's not a wrong thing to do. It would just be something she isn't comfortable with.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I totally understand. The fear doesn't go away just because you tell yourself that it isn't real. That's where courage comes in, and you leap and hope it ends up okay.

Oh, and even if she doesn't want you to call her, it's not a wrong thing to do. It would just be something she isn't comfortable with.

In my mind, breaching someone's boundaries = wrong. Even though logically I know that it's her responsibility to clarify her boundaries if she thinks I'm not respecting them...part of me expects myself to "know better" and if I'm not sure, then just not to do it (which is why I didn't call her this week). I WILL bring it up with her though. I guess I could just tell her the thing I wanted to call her and tell her, and then just say I wanted to call but was worried about boundaries/dependence/attachment, etc.

That part maybe isn't the issue so much as telling her how much I appreciate how she was there for me when I told her all this stuff, which I think is important for me to tell her precisely because it's so hard for me. That entails making yourself vulnerable because in the past when I've told other people how much I appreciated them or cared about them or even (the horror!) NEEDED them, they went away. I mean, obviously I know T isn't going to go away (most people with an IQ over 80 don't go away from people who are paying them $110 for a fifty minute hour), but even though I know our relationship isn't going to end, there's a part of me that is irrationally certain that it's going to change for the worse if I tell her this.

[HazelGirl]

I do understand. The only solution I have found is to talk about it. And then talk about it more. And then even more until it's not a problem anymore.

[Rzay4]

I completely agree with Hazelgirl talk things out with your T. She might surprise you.