[growlithing]

I'm not sure how much longer I can play this game with LCM. I love her and I feel like I need her and everything she wants to do with me is everything I need to do to grow. But every time we interact at all, I just start crying and hurting because she can't be my real mother plus I haven't seen her in almost a month and it's horrible.

But not working with her would be a bad idea because these feelings won't go away plus at least this way, I feel like sorta I have something of a mother. I wouldn't have anyone without her and I know that sounds odd because I have other T's, but I wouldn't have anyone who asks me how I'm doing every few days and takes care of me in a way. I'd be all alone, fighting the world again and I now that I kinda know what it might feel like to have a mom, I think that the only thing worse than never having a mother is losing one prematurely. I can't lose her.

This just hurts so bad. Granted, my pain is probably escalated quite a bit because my roommates found out that I've never seen "The Parent Trap" and thought it would be a good idea to have me watch it and all I could imagine is me meeting my mother or my father for the first time and I miss LCM so much. I never feel lonely when she's around. I feel like someone cares about me for the first time ever. She asks me if I've been eating right, taking care of myself, wearing a hat when I go outside, and doing all of my homework but when I say no, she isn't angry. She just tells me I need to do these things but she doesn't hate me when I mess up. She makes the world look a little bit less miserable and maybe worth continuing to live to experience but the second she's gone, I cry so hard my head hurts because it's like waking up from the most beautiful dream conceivable. A dream where I have everything I've always wanted and needed so desperately.

I'm sorry. I don't know what the purpose of this post is besides that I don't know who else I could talk to about this. In conclusion, I need to never watch movies with parents in them.

We talked on the phone for 5 mins today to schedule something for later in the week. I thought I heard her say "I want you in my life" but the phone was breaking up and the connection was lost shortly after and I was too scared to ask her if she said that.

[HazelGirl]

Can you talk to one of your T's about this? Part of the T-client relationship, especially where transference is involved, is comparing the past to the present and then grieving what you didn't have. In that way, your relationship with LCM is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. But you definitely need someone to guide you through the grieving.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Can you talk to one of your T's about this? Part of the T-client relationship, especially where transference is involved, is comparing the past to the present and then grieving what you didn't have. In that way, your relationship with LCM is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. But you definitely need someone to guide you through the grieving.

Yeah I'm talking about it with TT and my school T. It's kinda hard to admit to how bad it is to them for some reason.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I think that beginning to wake up and realize and acknowledge what you missed out on is, in fact, painful. It seems to me that this is just where you're supposed to be right now. It won't always be this way and it seems like you are tolerating how badly it hurts. In my experience, just being willing to be with the pain and not fighting against it IS doing something, moving forward.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by growlithing

, I think that the only thing worse than never having a mother is losing one prematurely. I can't lose her.

I am so sorry you have so much pain. Pain is a belief in loss or fear of it. You are doing great because you know the root of your fear. Part of therapy is the healing that can only occur when we acknowledge and mourn our prior losses. Because it can be so painful to fully experience and mourn the true loss we had, we will sometimes mourn over what we might happen instead of what did happen.

[A Red Panda]

I'd print this post off and take it in for your TT to read. Your attachment is abundantly clear in this post and it would show your TT that along with how much you are struggling with this.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I'd print this post off and take it in for your TT to read. Your attachment is abundantly clear in this post and it would show your TT that along with how much you are struggling with this.

I tried to tell TT about this today. I couldn't quite do it because I can't seem to talk about this without crying and it have a really hard time crying in front of people that aren't LCM. I could feel myself tearing up and then I just dropped the topic altogether.

Before the topic was dropped, TT said she thinks the dynamic between me and LCM is interesting and then asked how old LCM is and was a little surprised that I knew she's 35 and surprised I think that she isn't really old. I have a father figure as well (a teacher and the boundaries are extremely ridged so it's not even 2% as extreme as with LCM) and he is 39 so 35 fits in that ball park pretty well. But she also wanted to know if she had kids. I mean, the fact that she has a daughter doesn't make her feel more motherly to me. It probably does because she's probably quicker to assume that role. The reason I see her like this is because she was there from 9 to 5 everyday and literally put a bandaid on my cuts, told me that I deserved to be cared for and said told me that she'll protect me.

I asked TT if I was making any progress. I did this because I was kinda curious if she would bring up my somewhat obvious complete lack of attachment to her despite having worked with her for four months. She said "it's an interesting question" and then proceeded to tell me that I haven't been doing badly but she feels like we haven't figured out how to connect. I said "the problem is that I'm very distant?" and she agreed. I think it's good that she knows there is a roadblock.

[A Red Panda]

Well, there's a start! You really could have printed off the post though - then you wouldn't have had to talk. But it would show your TT the actual depth of where you are.

Your TT sounds very perceptive!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Well, there's a start! You really could have printed off the post though - then you wouldn't have had to talk. But it would show your TT the actual depth of where you are.

Your TT sounds very perceptive!

I don't know why I'm so embarrassed about my feelings for LCM. Probably because whenever I expressed feeling something strong towards anyone my mom asked me if I am a lesbian. Like I had no friends until I was 12 and then I had a best friend for a little while until we had a falling out and I was so heartbroken and my mom decided to offer her support by calling me gay.

It's not even that I care if someone thinks I'm a lesbian or something because that's not something that's offensive. Saying that I can't have strong feelings in a platonic setting implies that platonic relationships don't have enough value for someone to get really worked up over them and that is invalidating. I don't want them to think that my feelings for her are anything but what they are and I hate feeling like I have to explain myself.

I even know that all of this is silly and that TT and school T wouldn't do that. Maybe I just feel inside that it is wrong to have strong platonic feelings because every time I expressed them growing up, my mom said I was a lesbian and that is wrong in her opinion. Liking people of the same sex isn't wrong and it's wrong of her to try to convince me of that. But even in this post I feel like I'm coming off as sounding unsure about what I feel and I worry that people will take it the wrong way and I wish I could just sit down and have a nice long chat with reality.

[Bill3]

Maybe I just feel inside that it is wrong to have strong platonic feelings because every time I expressed them growing up, my mom said I was a lesbian and that is wrong in her opinion. Liking people of the same sex isn't wrong and it's wrong of her to try to convince me of that.

Her reasoning was flawed but the strong disapproval of you that she communicated still resonates nonetheless.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't know why I'm so embarrassed about my feelings for LCM. Probably because whenever I expressed feeling something strong towards anyone my mom asked me if I am a lesbian. Like I had no friends until I was 12 and then I had a best friend for a little while until we had a falling out and I was so heartbroken and my mom decided to offer her support by calling me gay.

It's not even that I care if someone thinks I'm a lesbian or something because that's not something that's offensive. Saying that I can't have strong feelings in a platonic setting implies that platonic relationships don't have enough value for someone to get really worked up over them and that is invalidating. I don't want them to think that my feelings for her are anything but what they are and I hate feeling like I have to explain myself.

I even know that all of this is silly and that TT and school T wouldn't do that. Maybe I just feel inside that it is wrong to have strong platonic feelings because every time I expressed them growing up, my mom said I was a lesbian and that is wrong in her opinion. Liking people of the same sex isn't wrong and it's wrong of her to try to convince me of that. But even in this post I feel like I'm coming off as sounding unsure about what I feel and I worry that people will take it the wrong way and I wish I could just sit down and have a nice long chat with reality.

I don't understand how someone can be a medical doctor and yet be so stupid.

It's like she was intentionally mean to you and tried to cut you down.

I'm sorry that you're embarrassed to admit your feelings for LCM.

Maybe talking about it with TT will help it feel like a lighter load? It might be a relief to just confess it, in a way? And then take it from there?

I'm not a big fan of secrets, especially big secrets about feelings.

When you shine a light into darkness, the rats scurry.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I don't understand how someone can be a medical doctor and yet be so stupid.


It's like she was intentionally mean to you and tried to cut you down.


I'm sorry that you're embarrassed to admit your feelings for LCM.


Maybe talking about it with TT will help it feel like a lighter load? It might be a relief to just confess it, in a way? And then take it from there?


I'm not a big fan of secrets, especially big secrets about feelings.


When you shine a light into darkness, the rats scurry.

LCM knows about them. It's kinda hard to keep feelings a secret when you start wildly sobbing when she lays down boundaries and after she walks away, the sobbing is still audible. And when I email her after taking too much meds and tell her that I love her and miss her and it kills me that she won't tell me she loves me too.

The issue is talking about it with someone other than LCM so I have someone else to help guide me through this.

[sweepy62]

growly, I was wondering, if all your wanting is for lcm to tell you " i love you", will those words make you feel better ( sorry my question mark does not work) lets say she calls you or in person she says growly, I love you too. Will you feel better and will that make you grow, and lessen the abandonment issues, or will you want more than that, I am wondering, or are you wanting the whole mom package deal.

If you just want her to say I love you back with the understanding she cant be a real mom but that she offers you nurturing and genuine care, thats fair and healthy.

I guess if you want the Mom package deal, I guess maybe thats why she does not tell you she loves you, either way, I wish you lots of luck with your struggles.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

growly, I was wondering, if all your wanting is for lcm to tell you " i love you", will those words make you feel better ( sorry my question mark does not work) lets say she calls you or in person she says growly, I love you too. Will you feel better and will that make you grow, and lessen the abandonment issues, or will you want more than that, I am wondering, or are you wanting the whole mom package deal.

If you just want her to say I love you back with the understanding she cant be a real mom but that she offers you nurturing and genuine care, thats fair and healthy.

I guess if you want the Mom package deal, I guess maybe thats why she does not tell you she loves you, either way, I wish you lots of luck with your struggles.

I know why she won't say it. One of my biggest issues is around that phrase. I can't accept it. When I hear it, I always assume it is flippant and insincere. That is why she won't say it. She said it twice in passing and I didn't believe her. I'm not able to understand or accept it and if she said it in a more serious context, I still wouldn't be able to believe that anyone could love me as much or even to a comparable amount as much as I love them.

[unaluna]

Growli, i think your mom is gay. I think my parents were/are gay too. Thats why they are so sensitive about it, and so rejecting of us - because they have these feelings, and if they saw any hint of them in us, they blamed themselves AND went into heavy denial and basically made a mess of things, and we're sitting there kinda oblivious going wtf was THAT all about?? My mother had a fit cuz i wanted to take auto repair in high school because apparently that PROVED something. Sofb. It takes the emotion out of it for me if i can figure out the effin crazy reasons they did stuff. Im still left with no connection to them, but at least it stops the ruminating and my trying to connect. Its like - oh, okay, so they think im a perve. Welllll good for them.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I know why she won't say it. One of my biggest issues is around that phrase. I can't accept it. When I hear it, I always assume it is flippant and insincere. That is why she won't say it. She said it twice in passing and I didn't believe her. I'm not able to understand or accept it and if she said it in a more serious context, I still wouldn't be able to believe that anyone could love me as much or even to a comparable amount as much as I love them.

Then my instinctual response would be that you need to keep hearing it and receiving it at regular intervals from someone special until you realise it IS real - not have it withheld

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by hankster

Growli, i think your mom is gay. I think my parents were/are gay too. Thats why they are so sensitive about it, and so rejecting of us - because they have these feelings, and if they saw any hint of them in us, they blamed themselves AND went into heavy denial and basically made a mess of things, and we're sitting there kinda oblivious going wtf was THAT all about?? My mother had a fit cuz i wanted to take auto repair in high school because apparently that PROVED something. Sofb. It takes the emotion out of it for me if i can figure out the effin crazy reasons they did stuff. Im still left with no connection to them, but at least it stops the ruminating and my trying to connect. Its like - oh, okay, so they think im a perve. Welllll good for them.

Perhaps she is. I don't really care if she is or is not because that would only provide a reason for how she treated me, not an excuse. The only excuse for her treating me the way she did that would be acceptable in my eyes would have to be some super bizarre sci fi situation that I can't dream up on the spot or maybe if she had some super off the wall delusions like some sort of Hollywood sensationalized (demonized?) version of schizophrenia. But even in that case, it still wouldn't be okay by me. I would just be more sympathetic. However, my life is not a sci if film and my mother is completely lucid. Whether she is a lesbian or bi or not is her business and she never had a right to try and make it my problem.

I'm not saying that you are implying that it is excusable because she might have those feelings. I'm just ranting.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Then my instinctual response would be that you need to keep hearing it and receiving it at regular intervals from someone special until you realise it IS real - not have it withheld

That is my instinctual response too. I guess she said she wants to show me that she cares, not tell me and I'm going to have to accept her caring/loving actions before I can ever accept her love.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Then my instinctual response would be that you need to keep hearing it and receiving it at regular intervals from someone special until you realise it IS real - not have it withheld

I had this scene in mind last week - its like when it rains after a drought - the rain doesnt absorb into the ground, it just bounces off, cuz its TOO dry, even tho the land needs the rain. It just cant take it in. Thats how i feel with my t sometimes. Itll get thru to me sometime, i hope.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by hankster

I had this scene in mind last week - its like when it rains after a drought - the rain doesnt absorb into the ground, it just bounces off, cuz its TOO dry, even tho the land needs the rain. It just cant take it in. Thats how i feel with my t sometimes. Itll get thru to me sometime, i hope.

I took that as "I'm too dry to take it in" and I laughed a lot.

But my stupid jokes aside, hoping that LCM's actions will get to me eventually or her saying "I love you" until it reaches me?

I guess she wants to meet with me on Thursday at a coffee shop or somewhere. She wanted to take me to the gym and I said that would be too much for our first time together in a month. But I'm nervous about meeting with her in public because people