Not sure about seeing T anymore...should I cancel appt?

Hi all,

I have a bit of a dilemma. I went back to T after a 2 month break and had an amazing session reconnecting and telling her how well I was doing. I am due to see her again next week but in the meantime I arranged a phone session last week as I was experiencing alot of anxiety. During the phonecall I felt dismissed by T. I felt that everything I was trying to tell her about the way I react to situations and panic about things she just said was normal and a normal part of life. The point is that my reactions are not normal. I have BPD and my husband is amazed at my anxiety and reactions to minor events. I feel like T always tries to normalize everything and it doesn't help. On top of that, my husband and I have been having problems for years and once when I was in crisis, I called T and she offered to speak to my husband to explain to him how I felt and how my thoughts work. He ended up crying down the phone and pretty much having a therapy session of his own (far longer than I spent on the phone to her) and T then came back to me and suggested I looked after my husband (I was in crisis at the time, self-harming, going out of my mind). I was slightly offended. Once since then I tried to talk to T about me and my husband's relationship and she was very strongly biased that I should stay with him and would be far worse off on my own and would possibly then target my anger towards my children (which I found highly offensive and told her was absolutely not the case. My children are everything to me and I treat them with respect and kindness and try to shield them from everything that goes on and that's most of the reason why I felt my husband and I should separate). I now feel I just cannot talk to her about this and it's a huge problem in my life. She is not open to discussing the possibility of my leaving him and seems to dismiss anything negative about him because he has stuck by me all these years through my illness. Am I not entitled to expect some things from my husband too? Can he not have his bad points too? It feels like just because I have BPD that I should be grateful for anyone being with me. I am so angry at T right now for dismissing my feelings on the phone and for the fact that I can't talk about my relationship problems. I feel like cancelling my appointment or emailing her to tell her I cannot talk about my real issues at the moment because I think she is biased...sorry this is so long...any thoughts would be very welcome! Thanks.

She sounds like she may not be the therapist you need. Have you considered switching to a T who will help you work on your relationship with your husband? Or getting a separate marriage counselor to focus on that? It's quite possible that your current T doesn't want to focus on him because you're the one in therapy. She can't change him just by talking to you. She can only change you. So if I were her, I would also want to focus on you. Does that make sense?

I would see a different therapist or set very strong boundaries about what the therapist may and may not do. Telling someone to take care of someone else is not the job of a therapist in my opinion. I would cancel if it were me.

I would go and remember that the phone cannot take the place of talking to a person in-person; that's why T's normally don't do phone sessions. The few times I called my T over the years were never very satisfactory, what can anyone "do" on a phone? They're not there with you.

I don't find phone calls with therapists any more or less useful than seeing them in person. They don't, in my experience, do anything in person either.

You hit the nail on the head, right there. That's a valid reason, to feel this isn't the best T, for you.

Could be a bias towards divorce, in first place. Your dissatisfaction, within your marriage needs to be addressed, so that your final decision about marriage is clear, rational and a logical one.

Sure, you've bpd, at the same time, you are human, with needs that need to be met.

You deserve, to have someone hear you out, even assist you in a pros/cons list, etc.

I'd address this, even with words you've used.



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You guys are great! Thank you SO much for all your replies and thoughts.

Stopdog, yes you are right, it wasn't T's place to suggest I look after my husband. I felt as if she had judged that he was worse off than I was! And she was supposed to be in my corner and helping me, not a marriage counsellor for us both. I feel that phonecall has ruined my relationship with T. This was quite a while ago now, at least 6-8 months, but still. I was very affected by it.

Hazelgirl, we have considered marriage counselling. I think my T does also work as a marriage counsellor and maybe that's what she was trying to do without asking permission to do it. I know she can't change my husband, only me, but what I feel is that she is on his side in most of this. She does stress that my issues are not my fault, but she doesn't acknowledge that my husband has a part to play in our joint issues. She seems to think he is the greatest husband ever for being patient with me. Which makes me feel even more undeserving and worthless than I already do.

Healingme4me, you are absolutely right. At the very least I would have expected T to go through the pros and cons with me about separating but she clearly had an opinion and shot down all my suggestions that I would be a better person on my own or better for my children. And I HATE when people assume that staying together is always best for the kids because I know from my own experience that if things are really bad, it is NOT best for the kids at all.

Perna, I know what you're saying about phone sessions...I have never had a good one to be honest and don't know why I keep trying. It's just annoying that T is 2 hours away. In person she is different. I don't know...this time I felt she couldn't wait to get off the phone and didn't really get why I was calling her...

I hate this. Sometimes I block these issues I have with T out and just accept the motherliness that she shows towards me which I badly need and lap up but in the back of my mind there are these niggles of things that I need to have out with her. It really spoils the good bits.

I'm just curious (it's not clear from your post): have you tried expressing your concerns to your T? From the beginning of your post it sounded like you got some relief from speaking with her.
I also have BPD/c-PTSD (and dissociation) and a lot of time I feel like my T seems more interested in my wife and kids than in me. It seems like he is always swinging our talks around to how it relates to my family. When I mention that I am not happy with my wife, he seems to take her side. Any ways, I asked him about this and was satisfied with his response and continue to see him because, outside of this, I like the direction things have gone in. That is why I ask if you have discussed how you feel with your T.

Thanks for your suggestion. I appreciate it. I did talk to her after the phone call incident, I wrote an angry email to her and we did talk about it and she assured me that her feelings for me hadn't changed and she wasn't taking sides. But again and again I feel, like you, that she is more interested in my husband than me. It's as if she has this idea that because I have BPD, I must always be wrong or reading things wrong, misinterpreting things. I sometimes think she thinks I'm more ill than I actually am and puts everything down to BPD. I'm glad that you got a good response from your T when you asked about it. It gives me hope that there may be a way through this. It's probably worth a try but I am so scared of opening a can of worms and then finishing therapy with her (after 7 years) on bad terms. It's a tough one.

I hear you.
There are still plenty of times I feel like my T is always trying to re-direct to my family, as well as assuming that any criticism I have about my wife is just me being BPD.
But whenever I feel like he is doing this I am able to tell him and he responds.
I hope everything goes for the best for you.
If you have seven years in with her and you like the results, etc...maybe you can find a way forward with her that you are comfortable with.