Calling T "mom"

growlithing · Mar 10, 2014, 11:36 PM

I have an overwhelming urge to call LCM "mom". It's the name I use in my head for her. She knows I call her "mom" in my head. I'm not really sure she thinks it's a huge deal because it is just a word and I probably don't really understand the symbol behind it.

I kinda want to just call her "mom" one day and I do in a sarcastic tone of voice occasionally. I don't because for some reason it feels right but it also feels wrong. I worry that she might find it uncomfortable and tell me not to call her that and that would hurt like rejection even if it isn't.

I don't know. I don't think I will start calling her that. I just want to. I want to feel the word on my lips and feel the feelings that the other kids felt throughout their lives. Mom. A mom for me but not my mom.

This will probably get a lot of backlash, but what do you guys think? Why would calling her "mom" be a bad idea?

RTerroni · Mar 11, 2014, 12:08 AM

I would never call my Therapist "mom" but that's just me.

feralkittymom · Mar 11, 2014, 12:31 AM

I think the feeling, the urge--and its competing urge--are all very natural.

I don't know if it would be a good idea. Maybe the fact that you aren't completely comfortable with it is a good indication that it would be better to not act on this wish. Maybe just accept and observe the urge as a reflection of your past experience and your present attachment?

CantExplain · Mar 11, 2014, 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

I have an overwhelming urge to call LCM "mom". It's the name I use in my head for her. She knows I call her "mom" in my head. I'm not really sure she thinks it's a huge deal because it is just a word and I probably don't really understand the symbol behind it.

I kinda want to just call her "mom" one day and I do in a sarcastic tone of voice occasionally. I don't because for some reason it feels right but it also feels wrong. I worry that she might find it uncomfortable and tell me not to call her that and that would hurt like rejection even if it isn't.

I don't know. I don't think I will start calling her that. I just want to. I want to feel the word on my lips and feel the feelings that the other kids felt throughout their lives. Mom. A mom for me but not my mom.

This will probably get a lot of backlash, but what do you guys think? Why would calling her "mom" be a bad idea?

I had a similar conversation with Madame T. She said it would be OK but somehow I never did. I guess I was hoping for a more enthusiastic response.

I think I always hoped for a more enthusiastic response. She was cold, that woman.

HazelGirl · Mar 11, 2014, 05:25 AM

Maybe you can talk about wanting to call her mom, why you do, and what you can learn from it.

Mar 11, 2014, 06:36 AM

I think if you did call her Mom, one day you'd naturally stop as you grow with the relationship.

sweepy62 · Mar 11, 2014, 07:03 AM

I think you should talk to her about it, before you actually call her the word "MOM" this way, you will be prepared if she does tell you that it might not be a healthy choice for the relationship. In my oppinion, The worse she can say is no, and if you dont talk to her about it, and call her mom, and she tells you not to do it, then you will be feel rejected. She is your coach, very dear to you, so maybe life coaches have different rules i dont know, but she is not your therapist, so I dont know.

A Red Panda · Mar 11, 2014, 07:07 AM

Feeling like you want to call her that is alright because you can't help your feelings.

At the same time it basically feels like you're living in a fantasy land, and that in the long run isn't healthy for anyone. You already know that she can't and will never be your mom because you can't change who your parents are... and it will only cause you pain in the long run.

But talking to her about it? That's totally fair because you're pretty much pretending she's your mom anyway - it would at least make the relationship more honest to talk about it.

Mar 11, 2014, 06:47 PM

I didn't want to call her mom, I wanted her to be my mom, and we talked about this a couple of times. This was in the very beginning of 18 months of therapy. I want to share an email conversation I had with her. This is before I gave the okay for touch. I had lots of neck,shoulder and back pain. Her response really helped me in my therapy and my relationship with her:

Me:

I feel like an infant at times today, in having to nourish my body,
and in your office. After a spoonful or two of food I have to force
myself to eat. The feeling like an infant: wanting you to hold me, touch me, to be my
mother is more difficult, because I can't control this all consuming
need !

I need to grow up, but it ain't happening.

I am left very sleepy, and the only thing that jolts me into reality
is the neck and shoulder pain.

Can we speed the process up?

Therapist:

Remember, all behaviors are simply messages about unmet needs delivered in code.

What is your body telling you, and why in code? Good guess: your need to be held, cuddled, nurtured, loved, as an infant, as a child, was never met, and never met for reasons beyond your control. For a long time you denied that truth – both that the need existed and had not been met, and that you were not responsible for it not happening.

So, your body is saying: see this need did exist, it was not met, it is not your fault. See, you have tried to find ways to meet the need – have done it on your own.

Those needs: to feel loved, nurtured, held, etc do not go away – even if met as children. Adults have those needs as well. You still struggle to trust that someone else would want to meet those needs for you, so you continue to try to do it yourself.

Many of your current struggles are not discrete – they are intertwined. Being an adult means recognizing and accepting adult needs – and learning to trust another adult to meet those needs for you.

Remember: it’s a process. It has to move at whatever speed you can handle. It’s not a race. You will get there.

You will to, growlithing.

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Feeling like you want to call her that is alright because you can't help your feelings.

At the same time it basically feels like you're living in a fantasy land, and that in the long run isn't healthy for anyone. You already know that she can't and will never be your mom because you can't change who your parents are... and it will only cause you pain in the long run.

But talking to her about it? That's totally fair because you're pretty much pretending she's your mom anyway - it would at least make the relationship more honest to talk about it.

Maybe I will talk to her about it. I just don't want to be creepy and actually calling her that just feels like I could cross a line.

She called me. Her caller ID today came up as her name but I read it as "mom". She wanted to ask me about something and schedule a time to talk later today. I didn't have any time at all to talk to her because I was about to start rehearsal. Inside my brain: "okay okay mom I have to go now. Mom. I have to go. I'll call you later". I had to consciously not say that and when someone asked me who was on the phone I started to say my mom but I stopped myself to say a friend (because I'm not close enough with that guy to say my T called)

The thing is that I think in her mind she knows as well as I do that she isn't a life coach or a therapist, she's a surrogate mother. I think she feels the same way. She compares our work to her raising her daughter all of the time. Like my DBT T called her at work and left a message. LCM called me to have me forward him a different number. She then said "what should I expect to hear from him?" I felt very nervous about that question because I felt like she was accusing me of bad behavior and I told her I feel like how I did in elementary school when the teacher called my mom. She said "I doubt your mom gave you the opportunity to share your side of the story. This is how I handle things with my daughter when her teacher calls or there is a parent teacher conference and this is how I'm going to handle things with you".

I don't know. She calls me sweetheart and baby a lot. I just feel like that if I were to call her mom, it would make her uncomfortable because she would know it would be the emotionally proper word but highlights how weird the boundaries are

AmysJourney · Mar 11, 2014, 07:42 PM

Ok, I may be in the minority here, but I still want to express my thoughts on this. I think what Red Panda is very true. In a way if you did really call her MOM it would mean you would subject yourself to living in a fantasy world. Wanting to call her mom expresses so many things that are unmet in your life. To be nurtured, held, loved, validated and so on. But even if the desire is overwhelming, do you think it would really help you? I mean really, really help?
I am sorry if this sounds not like what you want to hear, but I don't think it would help. If your T would agree with you calling her mom, I would even think it's a very fine boundary line. You won't be able to get yourself out of the "good" feeling of having her as a mother substitute easily. In your thoughts, you can call her whatever you want. And it may even help you to see her as your mother figure for a while. But that's it, she is a mother-figure, not your mom.
I wish I had a mom who would have loved me and held me and cared for me, but instead she hated me with all she was because she thought I was taking away her husband by seducing him into having sex with me. (At the age of 6 she told me I was a *****!) I always looked for mother-figures in my life. Or father figures, for what it's worth. I wanted to be able to call other people mom or dad. But the healthy part in me found out at some point that the reality is I never had a mom, I will never get another mom and the work I have to do is to find a substitute for the desire to find that.

One day my T said to me: "I hope this is not inappropriate, and perhaps it's out of maternal feelings for you but I would like to tell you that last session I was so proud of you!"
Wow, that hit home and I felt incredible. I knew then, that even without a mom or a dad who loved me, I can do something that other people are proud of. I felt a strong connection to my T then, but I also knew that this was all me. I did it, I made this progress, I worked hard. I am not incapable. I am worth something. It gave me unbelievable strength. I thought at the end of the session that I need more of that. But the truth was, I didn't.

As for you, I don't know what exactly it is you need, but I do know that calling your T mom would probably not be good in the long run. Let it be a fantasy for a while. Imagine what it would feel like, draw strength from the maternal input she gives you when you are with her. One day the need will fade and you will feel united with the inner child that yearns for a mom.

What goingtogetthere's therapist said is so true.. it's a process. It's not a race. You will get there. A process often means there is a lot of room for progress. And imagine how you will feel when the desire to call your T mom fades and you are free from it. It will be a breakthrough worth working towards. But take your time.. You will get there :-)

Lots of love,
Amelia

AmysJourney · Mar 11, 2014, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't know. She calls me sweetheart and baby a lot. I just feel like that if I were to call her mom, it would make her uncomfortable because she would know it would be the emotionally proper word but highlights how weird the boundaries are

If my T would call me sweetheart or baby, I would probably want to punch her :-) I mean, without putting it down, is that not a little creepy for you? Just asking, not judging! When I read this, it made me cringe. Just as when you said she sees you and treats you like a daughter.

There was a certain kind of therapy once called "Reparenting" It was a form of therapy where the T actually treated her their clients like their children. They even adopted them a lot of the times. That therapy became VERY controversial and ended in numerous lawsuits and was subsequently deemed unethical to practice. Today the Schema therapy has adapted a few of the reparenting techniques, but in a way more safe and secure way.

But in my honest opinion, there seems something strange about a T who calls a client baby or sweetheart. Or who takes on the very role of a mother or father down to the scolding.
Just my opinion though.

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelia112

If my T would call me sweetheart or baby, I would probably want to punch her :-) I mean, without putting it down, is that not a little creepy for you? Just asking, not judging! When I read this, it made me cringe. Just as when you said she sees you and treats you like a daughter.

There was a certain kind of therapy once called "Reparenting" It was a form of therapy where the T actually treated her their clients like their children. They even adopted them a lot of the times. That therapy became VERY controversial and ended in numerous lawsuits and was subsequently deemed unethical to practice. Today the Schema therapy has adapted a few of the reparenting techniques, but in a way more safe and secure way.

But in my honest opinion, there seems something strange about a T who calls a client baby or sweetheart. Or who takes on the very role of a mother or father down to the scolding.

Just my opinion though.

You lost me after "they even adopted them a lot of the time". Oh boy that is a fantasy I cannot allow myself to even consider possible.

No it isn't creepy to me. I like it. I like it a lot.

CantExplain · Mar 11, 2014, 07:57 PM

If you want to call her Mom and she's OK with that, it's nobody's business but your own.

sweepy62 · Mar 11, 2014, 08:26 PM

Yeah I guess it up to growly and her mentor, which at this point, its not officially written yet on paper or approved by insurance yet whether she has the official title of life coach with you, right growly? So if she is calling you baby and sweet heart, and seeing you as a daughter, why would she be upset if you call her mom? After all she is kind of enabling it, and im not being judgemental, it seems like both of you are a good fit. Just keep working with your t.

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Yeah I guess it up to growly and her mentor, which at this point, its not officially written yet on paper or approved by insurance yet whether she has the official title of life coach with you, right growly? So if she is calling you baby and sweet heart, and seeing you as a daughter, why would she be upset if you call her mom? After all she is kind of enabling it, and im not being judgemental, it seems like both of you are a good fit. Just keep working with your t.

Me: "wait can I ask you a question?"
Her: "yes"
Me: "okay uh *stammers nervously*"
Her: "you're okay. Take a deep breath"
Me: "would you be upset if I accidentally called you mom?"
Her: "nope"
Me: "what if I accidentally called you mom... on purpose?"
Her: "nope"
Me: "really? It wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable for me to start calling you mom?"
Her: "nope"
Me: "good because I won't"
Her: *laughs*
Me: "sorry"
Her: "why are you apologizing? I'm laughing because I enjoyed it"
Me: "I feel creepy. Am I creepy?"
Her: "You're fine honey."

Her response to the idea

sweepy62 · Mar 11, 2014, 09:37 PM

Growly did that happen? Lol

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Growly did that happen? Lol

Yes. That's how the conversation transpired

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 09:40 PM

I'm much more awkward verbally and not on paper "what if I accidentally called you mom... on purpose"

CantExplain · Mar 11, 2014, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlithing

Me: "wait can I ask you a question?"
Her: "yes"
Me: "okay uh *stammers nervously*"
Her: "you're okay. Take a deep breath"
Me: "would you be upset if I accidentally called you mom?"
Her: "nope"
Me: "what if I accidentally called you mom... on purpose?"
Her: "nope"
Me: "really? It wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable for me to start calling you mom?"
Her: "nope"
Me: "good because I won't"
Her: *laughs*
Me: "sorry"
Her: "why are you apologizing? I'm laughing because I enjoyed it"
Me: "I feel creepy. Am I creepy?"
Her: "You're fine honey."

Her response to the idea

Hooray!

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 09:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Hooray!

Except now I have to decide for myself if I call her by name or what I call her in my mind

sweepy62 · Mar 11, 2014, 09:52 PM

Omg lol well yippy yay for you

growlithing · Mar 11, 2014, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Omg lol well yippy yay for you

Haha is that not how you would imagine I sound like in real life talking to LCM? I probably sound a good 10 years older online which is not good because online, I sound 15-16 at best