My session was a ****ing disaster

I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say this, but I think I might have to quit therapy to stop hurting myself.

I had my session tonight and it was like being in the room with a different person. My therapist said she's going to challenge me on everything wrong I do and this seemed to take the form of being very...blunt.

Loads of things she said stung When I was talking about having thoughts of suicide, she said something like 'stop making excuses, don't tell me you can't help being drawn to it'. After an hour and a half she asked me what I was taking in from the session, and I said 'that I have to redirect my energy into more positive channels' and she told me quite sharply that that was an insult to her 20 years of therapy experience and that I was being sarcastic. I don't think I was being sarcastic. I was over-simplifying, sure, because I didn't really understand the points she was making. Then she told me I needed to start taking responsibility for myself, and this was super unfortunate because that's pretty much the last thing my mother said to me before I cut contact with her at the weekend. She also said she was working really hard with me and I wasn't doing my fair share, my 50%, and this confused me because I've asked before if I should be working harder and she's always said no absolutely not.

Everything just was wrong. We're supposed to see each other for one two hour session a week now with no contact in between. I've just done three months intensive work, about six hours a week with as much texting and emailing and calling between. I'm so grateful for all the good, but the sudden change in contact ****ing hard. She said she was pissed off at herself for the way she had been working with me until now, that she doesn't work with others like that and our dynamic is very different. Obviously, the dynamic I loved, she disliked

It feels like once I started to really grow confident she'd be there, she whipped the rug out from under me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to do one session a week with her. I was so frozen in my session tonight and the more I felt attacked the more afraid I was of saying anything and shut down.

After, I left a voicemail saying I felt abandoned, and basically so hurt at having her ripped away from me after having a taste of what it felt like to have somebody there - I apologized for breaking the boundary but wasn't sorry for saying it. She messaged me then basically saying well done for fighting for myself (I don't know if I want to have to fight for myself against my therapist though) and that I can email as much as I like. But I almost can't trust it. I don't know. I feel acutely disloyal even writing this, but I need to post this here to see if PC thinks I'm being too sensitive and just need a kick up the *** and to stop feeling uncomfortable and upset I can't think straight.

It sounds really awful, i'm sorry that happened.

She sounds a bit burned out, could that be the case?

Thanks Asiablue. Yep it was horrid. I don't know about burnout, I guess it could be that? She has a lot on with a house move and a sick mother and broke up with her partner recently, plus has lots of new clients. So maybe?

But I don't know. One of the things she said was something 'My life will go on just fine in its normal way after I leave here tonight, but are you going to sabotage yourself later?' (because I have a job interview in the morning, I guess she thinks I'm that far gone I'll **** it up) so by that I suppose all is fine with her overall.

Oh wow. That's terrible. I would feel absolutely horrible, too! But here's what I will say: stick it out one more week, tell her everything you've written here, and then see what happens. If you don't do at least that, you aren't giving her and the therapeutic relationship a chance.

well seems to me she saw she was doing things in wrong way and "woke up". confrontation is hard but is exactly what we need to make a change. hope u stick with her. tc

Yes, I know you're right. I'm just pissed that what I thought was a good relationship and an amazing resource to me is now something that makes me feel panicky and uneasy. I had the worst pain in my stomach for two hours after the appointment.

But how was she doing things wrong? I felt I was making progress! Not fast enough for her, obviously - she said she was pissed off a client of hers was feeling as bad as I do after months of therapy - but I was making progress I was pleased with!!! I was starting to feel good changes. Just not enough.

More fool me for thinking I was right and okay with being me for once

I really think she might be burned out and might not realize how harsh she is being. I am sorry.

I feel SO DUMB! Jeez. I have had my fingers burnt often enough, I should really not be such a mug.

I'm with Elektra here-she realized she f-d up. Unless you are stating only the negative aspects of the conversation and leaving out positive words exchanged during the session, she sounds just like a Mom who is angry with something she did with her child then later realized was a mistake. And like Asia said, maybe burned out-perhaps from trying too hard. Seriously. It does sound horrible.

But I also agree with Hazel and hope that you give reparation of the relationship a chance.

Actually...God, if she is burned out, I feel sort of responsible. I've had all my therapy for free the last four months or so. And lots of it.

This is appalling, I bled her dry. Or certainly helped. But I kept checking, and she kept saying it was okay for me to take all this from her, only clearly it wasn't

Wow, im sorry you had a rough session, it seems like she played a very tough love session tonight, but also did some venting herself about her feelings. So does this mean you can have contact again between session? Im sarcastic sometimes in sessions too, and my t knows l like challenges, so she does, but then I hate her for it and shut down, but im the one who suggested it.

I know how your feeling. Therapy is known to rattle up all your emotions then they send yo home for 6 days with coping skills wtf. What we need is a damn venting room with stuff to break.

That sounds horrible, particularly since you have an interview tomorrow and it probably screwed with your confidence.

I don't know your history with her, how long, if you like her in general, etc. I had a therapist do something similar once. I was balling my eyes out, complaining about everything and everyone, feeling sorry for myself. I said something to the effect of, "I just want someone to wave their magic wand and make it all go away". She looked me square in the eye and said "if that is what you want, I'm not the one to help you and you are wasting your money". Of course this made me more upset. After I got home, ranted and raved, *****ed and moaned, I started to think about what she said and realized I was being irrational wanting someone to fix all my problems unilaterally. I had to participate in the fixing.

I went back to her and we had a fabulous 8 year relationship until I moved.

What I'm trying to say is let the whole thing digest and see if the interaction had value for you. If it did, great, if it didn't, I would go back to her and tell her what you figured out, how you feel, why you feel it had no value and ask her what her intent was. Might give you an idea if it was a fluke or if you should look for a new T.

Good luck!

But how did she **** up??? I don't get it?? It was working for me. Slow, but definitely working.

The other bits of the conversation were things like: 'you have been so unhappy for so long, you have had enough' and 'you need to work out what you want' and 'you need to realize your own power, it doesn't have to be like this' and saying she really cares about me (I do believe this) and that it was how much she cares coupled with how high my defences are that led to our strange dynamic. So they are kind of positives. But I felt like she was exasperated and angry at me the whole time, even as she was saying 'I love you'. Wtf.

It seems to me that she may have overestimated her own abilities and tolerance and is angry about her own shortcomings. My guess (and only a guess!) is that she will eventually come to the realization that she let you down, and that she will let you know this in due time.

clearly she was already upset and giving ur reply she "exploded". u do realize ur reply would frustrate anyone, right? how long have u been with her? tell us now what do u take from therapy with her. why does she say u dont give ur 50%?

I know! I really want to throw paint against a huge wall and make a massive angry incoherent abstract piece of art

I think I can have contact again. But am not sure it's welcome, not truly I need to think on it a bit and see how I feel.

Right now, no I honestly feel tonight's interaction was damaging. I felt I had so much stuff chucked in my face, and she seemed to go back and change past responses of her own which then leaves me doubting other validating stuff she said. Example:

'You basically flipped the bird at the pdoc when he tried to help you' was said tonight. At the time, the pdoc wouldn't prescribe because I drink and take modafinil and diazepam once a week- absolutely understandable. I panicked at cold turkeying off all my crutches and my T was like, that's okay, you simply don't have it in you to give right now, don't feel bad about it, reconsider when you're in a different place etc.

I felt embarrassed and confused.

Maybe I'll change my mind in next few days.

Thankfully, it hasn't screwed with my interview buzz, I'm weird and love interviews and am excited about the job so I'm looking forward to it

Here's a laugh for you....
I'm in need of therapy so I called the local one I haven't seen in almost two years. Stopped going to her, wasn't ready for the direction she was taking me and my work life was ramping up.

I emailed her, apologized for dumping her, asked her if I could see her again.

She replied NO, because she felt we had nothing in common (opposite to the first visit), but no hard feelings

None whatsoever on my part

I suppose on scrutinizing, I gave the reply I did because I was panicking and upset and wanted to say something that would sound okay to give her an answer. All I really wanted to say was 'Why are you changing everything? I feel abandoned and stressed out because you assure me I've done nothing wrong, yet your actions say different.' Only I couldn't say that in the room. I felt attacked (that was my experience, I know she was not attacking me) and at that stage I felt everything I said was being criticized. So I couldn't really think straight and fashion up a suitable answer, and I was too afraid to frankly say what I really wanted to.

And I really don't know what she said I don't give 50%. Til lately if anything she said the opposite - that I need to go easy on myself and take off pressure about not working harder in therapy. Once she said she wished she could fly a banner over my workplace reminding me how hard I worked Anyway I'm confused because she said this 50% thing and then later on said she knew I was working my *** off in therapy. So I don't know.

Nothing in common?! Since when was that a prerequisite for a good therapeutic relationship?! What the hell!

I hope you find a good T elsewhere

wow so the attitude didnt come from ur reply? she just started ur appointment like that?? how did last session end? well if shes contradicting herself u need to confront her.

My quick take on it is that it might be very helpful to you to really dig into how you felt in response to what she said and talk to her concretely and openly about it. it sounds to me like she welcomes you to do this, based on her response to your voicemail. Take what she says at face value and have the contact she offered.

Part of what you said about how you were happy with your progress but she is obviously not, that seems like kind of a cool relationship issue that also might have lots of work to do within. It reminded me of how sometimes married couples reach this place-- I'm happy with the marriage, well, I'm not. A conversation about why you are each feeling the way you are about your progress will probably really help resolve this. To do that, you have to bring back to her all the feelings you are sharing here. But it sounds to me like she is willing to listen to what you have to say, and adjust her side of the street accordingly. That's a pretty good thing for a T to be able to do. But if you don't share your reactions with her, she won't be able to adjust any further.

Yikes....what an awful experience. I can't say if your T is competent or not, but she clearly believes she has skewed your therapy in a way that she feels necessary to fix. I wish she had worked this out and stabilized her emotions about it with a colleague before meeting with you. But it does sound like she's looking to meet you in the process, so I think it's worth it to keep going and try to hash things out. I hope you can be super clear with her about your perceptions, and that you can get the clarity about the process that you deserve.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. Whatever the reason it's not your fault. Your T is the professional and it's up to her to conduct herself in a professional manner, that includes taking care of her own physical and emotional health in order to provide the best care for her clients.

I'm so sorry that you got that kind of response from your therapist. Do you think this was a moment or sessions x2 of countertransference for her, especially, because she is having a few trials in her personal life? Hopefully both of you can talk about the past 2 sessions. You are saying you are not ready for less contact, and, now, even less. and, your therapist is saying it's time to spread your wings. I think it should be a joint decision, so hopefully you will have the words and the strength to put your immediate needs on the table.

Whatever is happening is about her, not about you, Girl. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

GTGT

I'm sorry you were hurt.

Madame T put up with my hate mail for many years but then decided it wasn't helping me. "This has to stop!" she said. I felt she was right and I stopped emailing her altogether.

Then there was the time she withdrew her disapproval of me writing about us to other people.

The point is that Ts can change their minds. It is always unsettling, as we expect our Ts to be consistent and reliable. But if they find an approach is not working, what else can they do?

(Madame T was not good at realising an approach wasn't working, but that's another story.)