Is this rude?

Well, I do online therapy, meaning much of the time I spend with my therapist, we are typing back and forth. During these sessions, I see a photo of her, which also appears on the profile page where customers can choose to work with her or not.

Two months ago, she changed her photo, just edited it really. The old photo made me think "warmth, professionalism, kindness" The new photo still boasts her nice smile, but the changed lighting, perspective and cropping make me think more: "dark, ominous, intense." Like, if the last photo was an 8 out of 10, for me, this one's like.... a 4. I'm asking myself why I feel justified criticizing her photo. I don't know that I do feel justified, I just know that every time I look at the photo, I don't find it comforting, and I miss the comforting feeling I got from looking at the old one.

So, today, I wrote her this, but I am afraid it is rude of me. What do you all think:

This is what I sent her *already*

"Hello XXXXXX,

I hope you're well. I wondered if you would mind a bit of feedback about the technical aspect of your profile photo? I don't wish to be a bother, but we work together so often and it's basically the only representation I have of you.

If it were me, I'd say "no thank you" haha, so please don't feel obligated to let me share my two cents.

Very best,

Leah"

If she says it's ok to give feedback- this is what I wanted to say, but I am very afraid to offend her and to be out of line. What do you all think, I haven't sent this second part yet, so I could still back out or change it:

"A couple months ago you cropped your previous photo I think, and I spent the last couple months trying to appreciate the current cropped version more, but my initial impression remains. I believe the prior photo was more flattering, for technical reasons. The prior photo included a few elements I thought made your warmth and professionalism shine more: I recall your necklace, pretty blouse, and also more of that lovely green background, and how well all the elements coordinated. I love that version of the photo. The current version, it seems to me when it was cropped that the contrast was increased so there's a starkness arising from the light and dark of face and hair and this broad black halo around your head that I find a bit disconcerting. For my two cents worth, I thought perhaps that version might be even more appealing to other potential clients, though I know that's subjective.

I hope you don't mind my comments too much. If you said the same to me, I might be bothered, ha, but it's just that that photo is really the only view I have of you during all the hours we work together, since we don't get to meet in person or via Skype or anything. I really found the previous version of the photo comforting, and wanted to let you know."

I wouldn't share that, if I were you.

Well, I ask myself... if one day she wore intense makeup to session, would I comment. The answer is no, of course not. She doesn't need my feedback on what I think is her ideal appearance. Sigh. It's just that... it's all I have of her, that one photo really, and I look at it a few hours a week as it appears during session, and it's just kinda.... off-putting. Unpleasant. It's not about her appearance, see- it's not like a makeup choice I don't like or something- it's the really really dark lighting and this black halo around her face, I just don't get it.

I think it's a very long way of saying " i preferred the older picture."

Yes, it is, and I wanted to focus on that part- I want her to hear "I loved your last photo" - I don't want to be critical, except I just want to see if she'd switch back as I really really preferred the last photo and it's all I really get to see of her.

Maybe I should edit it more- just talk about the positives of the last photo, not really the negatives of this one so much. Or should I say nothing at all.

I do get really wordy, especially when I'm anxious.

Maybe if I just wrote (if she says ok to feedback.)

"I really appreciated your prior photo, and I know it's not my place, but I wanted to ask if you would look at both and just possibly consider switching back. I really had a sense of your warmth, professionalism, and comfort when I saw that photo during our past sessions."

It's just... I don't want her to think I'm being arbitrary- I want her to know I tried to get used to the new photo, but I have to look at it a few hours a week and it's downright dark and a bit foreboding.

It might be a bit awkward, but can you just ask for a copy of the old picture? Just saying something like it helped you to feel more connected to her? I don't think you have to criticize the new one at all. Just say you would like a copy of the old one because you found it comforting or whatever.

I did think about that... maybe I could print it and make it larger or something if I got the old version, because offhand, I did not think that would work, since the issue is, in our chat sessions, her photo displays on my screen the whole time, just that one static photo, and I can't help but look at it because otherwise I couldn't see what we were typing.

I don't think you should consider the photo at all. My HO.

If I got that kind of feedback from a student, about a photo I put up on the university website, I would not find it rude. I am not a visually savvy person myself, and that kind of information would be useful for me. Just my five öre.

How can I not consider the photo at all? I look at it a few hours a week. I think physical appearance is part of what we take away from our interactions with people. I can't help that I have five senses, and I don't want to just.... say "ignore the photo" forever.... it doesn't seem practical.

Hmmmm... That does make it more difficult. I'm wondering if the change might be something to discuss with your T. That the change is bothering you. I know for me, if anything changes with my T or his office, it does affect me. I wouldn't talk about how you see her new picture as not as flattering. I would focus more on the change of it making it hard for you to feel as connected. But that's totally jmo

If she gave you a copy of the old one you could have it pinned to your screen, so you could pay more attention to that and less to the new one? MAybe the new one would matter less then?

Thanks! Yes, I really do feel it's more a matter of technicalities (and she's not very web savvy) than about her own appearance. The way she personally looks- I would NEVER dream of criticizing that. Never talk about hair or teeth or any completely-out-of-bounds topic like that. It's just.... the style of the cropping took what I thought was a really pleasant, warm photo that helped me feel better about our interaction to one where the darkness of it makes me feel a bit less comfortable. Like, I'll go to look at it for reassurance, and it's just SO dark and intense, like extreme black and white closeup in a way.

And I do ask myself: is it just me, am I projecting, blah blah blah, but... I've been looking at this photo since January and I just can't get used to it, it's disconcerting.

Yes, maybe I could do that. She's been open to other work-related feedback in the past (we had some work in common for a while) so... I think we each respect the other person's professional opinion, and I mean... maybe I'm being presumptuous to think that she isn't aware of the black halo around her head and the stark lighting, it's just... I am not sure if she sees the photo regularly on her profile- because clients and professionals probably have a different view I think of their account on the website.

But yes, I'd be happy to maybe print a photo of her if I could have one and just refer to that during our sessions, to sort of distract from the other one.

I would just ask if she could send you a pic of her previous public profile pic.

Actually I think it's a very polite way of putting it.

i think it's your right to tell her how you feel about everything and she should appreciate your trust in her for saying it.

I'm not sure I understand. Is the reason you want to say something because you want her to put the old one up so you feel more comforted again? Or is it for her professional reputation and that you think it will hurt her business? Because these are two very different things.

The main reason I want to say something is in the hopes she would repost a photo that I found more.... reassuring. The last photo was brighter, cheerier, warmer.

I believe it would be more appealing to other customers as well, and I have some experience in online marketing, but.... that's really getting more into unsolicited opinions than if I try and stick more with my own feelings, which are more appropriate I guess, in terms of our therapeutic relationship.

Thing is, I have a lot of experience in the administrative side of her industry, and she knows it, so we've worked tangentially before, and have discussed business, so.... yeah. But anyway, I should stick to what I want instead of offering unasked for feedback, sigh. I do know she's looking for more clients, so I did think about that- and I know she cares a lot about appearance, so maybe she'd want to know my perspective, but I do not wish to offend her.

It's just, like I said, a matter of having to look at the photo multiple hours a week, and flipping to it for reassurance sometimes and finding it not so reassuring.

I think you should tell her.

If say what does giving that opinion teach you about you.
I mean that's what therapys about, isn't it....

It teaches me it's worthwhile to mention if someone with whom I'm in an intimate relationship does something that really bothers me. But to mention it carefully. I'd say that's the answer. And that I am indeed a visual creature, not enlightened enough yet to ignore my eyes, haha.

I'd just let her know I prefer the other photo over the new one ... I'd keep the reason(s) why short, though, because sometimes the more we say the deeper we dig the hole we're about to fall in!



ps. This is spoken by a certified expert (me) regarding putting foot in mouth!

Lol, so true! When will I learn that lesson!!! Am glad I posted here first. Am thinking if she invites my feedback, to say something shorter, that I really liked her last photo a lot, it conveyed warmth, professionalism, and cheeriness, and I wonder if I might have a copy of it it it's not too much trouble, that the lighting seems a bit off on this one, whereas I found the last one more comforting. Something like that maybe...or just nix the mention of the current one at all. I can make do with a good pic of her, that way if she really loves the current one, I'm not asking her to change it. I'll just stick a copy on my pc if I have to!

That's the thing... I'ts her professional representation of herself directed toward her clients. You are one of her clients. If it bothers you, you should mention it. However, I do believe it isn't worth your time dwelling upon it. It's her career, but your session. State your peace, and move forward. You have every right to say something about it (especially if it bothers you), but remember... she has every right to do nothing about it.

Maybe you should ask her why she changed it? Why does she prefer the new picture compared to the old one? Sometimes understanding a person's motives or preferences can help you acclimate or accept the new status quo.

I was signed up with therapyq once and ever now and then I go to the website to look at the picture of the counselor I was assigned to. She has changed it recently and I thought like you, that it is not flattering at all any more. What was effectively a picture of her upper body, head, headspace etc. Is now a picture of only her face. Cropped, (which as a photographer makes me cringe anyway, lol) and therefore less clarity and quality. And the top space behind her head is BLACK! And her eyes look really funny now too as if someone has tried to sharpen them with a photo editing software. Absolutely a change for the negative.
So I thought well, I should go to her actual practice website (where she had the same changed picture now!) and send her an email and tell her that I think it's not flattering at all.
I didn't because I think it's none of my business any more. BUT, if I was still her client on therapyq, I would absolutely tell her. It made me uncomfortable seeing her new picture. I wouldn't want that in my head. And again, my photographer thing comes to mind - a picture is not just a picture when it represents someone people interact with daily. It's ok to give feedback on pictures, it should be ok. It's not like you are criticizing her, it's that picture you criticize. Online counselors should be especially open to comments on how a picture comes over, because it is the first (and lasting) impression a client gets of a part of their character.

Only my opinion though..