Support vs Support

I was wondering, as I read through some of the threads this morning - and rereading some of my own threads...

How do you distinguish on here (and in real life) between what is "good" support and perhaps "not so good" support? I find it difficult sometimes when I read something (or hear something in RL) and I want to give support but it might not be exactly what the person wants to hear. And I feel wrong encouraging something that - when I take all individual circumstances out of the equation - perhaps may benefit from a different perspective.

In my real life, I am being taught by my therapist but also other people around me, that it is important to a person's growth to step up sometimes and tell the truth as they see it. (Or hear the truth as others see it..)

For me personally, I sometimes find responses that are not exactly what I want to hear much more helpful than those who validate my feelings without perhaps questioning them. For my very own development it was imperative to experience "tough love" at times, people telling me straight that I was wrong And I was/am wrong a lot of times, haha
But I do find this a difficult topic, especially on here sometimes. Do you sometimes feel this way? Like you want to help and you think you may have some insight but then you don't because you're afraid it might be seen as unsupportive? What is the right support, especially on here?

Thanks for your responses

Amelia

The thing about support is that what a person may need in terms of support can change depending on what is happening. It is hard on PC to read peoples' minds and figure out exactly what they want in terms of support, and sometimes we miss the boat. Personally, I don't see that as a huge crime. We do what we can with the information we have. How someone responds is pretty unpredictable most of the time. If I realize I've upset someone, I try to simply apologize and move on.

Real life isn't so different. I'm like you. Most of the time I want directness and honesty, even if it is hard to hear. But there are occasions when it may take me a while to get to that point, and just a listening ear is all I need, at least for a bit.

There is no one size fits all when it comes to support.

Sometimes, here on pc, you get to know people, and you know what supportive means to them sometimes, some can handle direct and honest, no sugar coating, some you have to sugar coat a little. And thats ok, I kind of know, who I can be direct and no sugar coating with at proper times, and I know who is more likly to take it as an offense, so I choose my words properly or just send them hugs.

When I think of unhealthy, "bad" support, I think of support that hinders my growth (or someone else's). For me, this is unwanted support, too much support with things I want to and can do for myself, more support than what I need offered in an aggressive way (as if I had to accept it).
For me, good support is needed support for a good-quality life, support I am ready and willing to receive, support with things I can't do by myself. What I perceive as healthy is support offered and only given when I've said yes, not support shoved down my throat whether I welcome it or not.

unfortunately or fortunately depending upon ones point of view with life, on line and off line there are rules to follow.

example....you mentioned this site...well this site has rules that say all posts must be of the supporting nature.. who decides whats supportive and what standards a person can post by is the owner of the site and the moderating/administrative team. there are ways to deal with posts and how to post...a member who is not sure whether they are being supportive or not can pm any of the moderators. the moderators read the posts then give feedback so that the member can be assured their post is being supportive..

there is also ways members can be sure they they are protected from posts they may find that they are not sure are supportive or not....theres a report post icon to the left of the post. click on that and then write in the space provided your concerns and the moderators check out the post to see if any thing needs to be done with the post to ensure its being supportive.

theres also a safety feature where members can block potentially triggering posts. click on that posters name, user lists and then ignore user.

I use all three of these features/services when needed.

mind you not all websites have these features/services. sometimes I just have to make a personal decision of whether I want to continue reading posts or visiting that website that may or may not be of a supportive nature in my opinion.

off line again there are rules to what is being supportive and what isnt and when its appropriate...

example

when in some churches its not acceptable behavior to tell someone you agree with their decision to abort their baby, use birth control, you are in agreement that they need to get away from their abusive spouse.....but in other churches it is ok to support someone this way....

in some mental health agencies it is ok for a treatment provider to show support by hand holding, giving hugs, and telling the client you know as well as I do you are just sabotaging your healing, dont you think it would be better if you stop this bs and do this instead... and in other mental health agencies it is not ok to support the client by physical contact or as you call it tough love.

even in the home life there are differences in how family members show support...in some homes it is acceptable to support another family member through financial means, lending an ear, helping the family member solve their problems, and in other families doing the opposite let them fend for their self, they made their bed let them figure it out, tough love what ever.....

my point is there are many different standards of support and most times what dictates whats supportive and not is a persons own locations laws/rules/culture/ family dynamics/ societies morals, common curtesy and such....

with me I rely on the rules/ethics of my job, whats right for me/my family/culture/city and when I am online I adjust my modes of giving support depending upon what each websites rules/guidelines are and when in doubt discuss the situation with a moderator.

On the forums, I look for others to give their experiences or opinions on a general idea. I do not look here for others to tell me what they think I should do/give me advice/ or attempt insight into me and my situation.
In life - it varies depending upon how close the other person is to me.

Amelia, I have read many of your posts. They are just fine. I often am confused at those who correct you because I don't perceive a problem. I also think you fit in just fine with American ideas.

In the US, I have found that the Northeast is more direct than other parts of the country, where language and criticism are gentler and easier on one's feelings.

My T says that doing therapy is the constant interplay between "support" and "challenge." And the therapist must navigate the two, intuiting when which is needed.

In my personal life, I've always sought out those who would challenge me.
My worldview is that the world is not a cushy place full of pillows and soft blankets. The world is filled with sharp edges. It's ok to seek places of refuge, but all refuge all the time doesn't prepare us for the spikes.

With my children, I am constantly trying to find this balance between empathy and tough love.

I think this just takes practice and watching others. If you're not sure what kind of support to give, it might be a good idea to not say anything, or err on encouragement rather than advice.

Personally I'm for the "tough love". I won't say that I never get "hurt" by harsh opinions because I would be a liar, but if I ask for something it implies that I'm also prepared to handle what I get. I accept it 95% of the times depending where it comes from and if it helps me to grow as a person: I'm actually grateful that there are people who feel free to be honest with me and think I'm mature enough to handle things.

As for the forum, it's up to every single person and the relationship they have with other members. I might be very straight if I know that it's what "you" like to hear anyway and am confident that you can handle it, while I will be softer with someone that I want to help but don't know how.
I usually knock myself down here, but since I keep therapy for myself I can only express my fears and doubts here so I hugely appreciate honesty and to hear others' experiences. Someone once wrote me something like "wake up, you are reading too much into things" and it actually helped me go back down to earth!

I'm not sure if there's a "right" or "wrong" support though, even constant and absolute validation might be the only right path in some (special?) cases, I don't know. Above all, what really counts in my opinion is to say sorry when we hurt someone. But we are all humans and even then we just wanted to help in our own ways.

I don't want tough love at all. I have had that my whole life and have found it to be nothing but harmful to me. That is the way I am. We are all different and require different levels of support or advice or whatever. I really don't come here looking for advice either. I'm not looking for therapy from this forum at all. I am not sure what I want.

I think forums are just not the place for me to give advice because I really know so little about someone's whole life. I have a lot of respect for most people here trying to work on their problems. It's interesting to me to see how different therapists are and how they handle situations with clients.

I try not to invest too much emotion here because I have so much going on in my real life as I am sure we all do. (Not saying we're not real people.)

I don't know. I have been very hurt by therapy and am trying to figure out what to do in the future and how to heal. I feel afraid sometimes for people here who seem to have such great therapists because I thought I had a great therapist too.

I don't like the conflicts that happen here sometimes, but I also understand that is part of life. I guess I am more into the supportive part of the forum because of the guidelines that Doc John has set forth.

I think this is an excellent question. I guess I try to take the cue from the post. Does it say they're venting - if so, I would probably offer empathetic support b/c poster is struggling. On the ED site, I'm more likely to challenge a person if the post reflects cognitive distortions, because seeing the ED thoughts can be very triggering to others. It also tends to set up a competitive environment of "who's the worst" that can really be harmful.

Here, I probably lean more towards supportive then challenging, unless several previous posts have indicated that he/she is heading down a bad/scary/dangerous path and to just provide empathy would be enabling.

Well, a lot of people specifically ask for support here. And I see a lot of support here and great advice sometimes.

And my thread was not to judge who does and who doesn't need a certain kind of support, but rather about something more in general. I just feel that sometimes I want to say something but I don't in fear of saying something wrong. But then I was thinking, I hope people don't do that with me if they feel they have a good point. The thought really concerns me. In my real life most people are honest with me and I appreciate that so much..
But I still sometimes hold back, even if I feel I might have some good answers.
It just us difficult sometimes..

I know the guidelines of this forum, and wasn't questioning them at all.

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This is a wonderful reply, thank you! Actually this makes a lot of sense to me! Yes, where I live people are really direct and I love it, Haha..

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Thank you, yes I believe that is true.. Getting to know them and finding out what what support means to them specifically.. Makes a lot of sense!

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That is a great distinction that I will copy for myself! Thank you!

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Amelia-you are always questioning yourself!

Just be yourself. People will either have to decide to accept you with your flaws/perceived flaws, or put you on ignore and avoid your threads.

Experiencing dependency in the therapeutic relationship will help structure or solidify a strong/er sense of self, where you (anyone) can be free to be yourself without constantly checking, questioning, worrying, changing to appease others, etc.

(I know I'm being a smart $#%, but I couldn't resist)

I agree with this.

I would add that a T needs to listen as well as intuit. If a T challenges when the patient asks for support ... well, you all know how I feel about that.

Haha That made me laugh! Perhaps you are right - perhaps I need to experience dependency in my therapy!! Oh I hope not! That would completely mess with my world view
But in all seriousness: YES you are right - since I came to this forum I have started questioning myself more than before. You know, I am glad you pointed that out! I am usually not that insecure, so why here? Guess I should just keep being my smart $#% self and do what I can to be supportive. Thanks!

Yes, often with friends and acquaintances I think I have some insight and I think it would be unsupportive, unhelpful and unwanted to share it and I don't. On here I share insight more often than I would in real life because people more often ask for it on here and I think people are more likely to have learned to be open to it if they do therapy.

I don't think "tough love" is always a good, healthy approach. One thing is I think a person giving tough love is likely to be assuming their perspective is right. If they weren't, then I think either they wouldn't give the "tough love" because they wouldn't think it was justified to hurt the person, or, on the other hand, it wouldn't really be "tough" because it wouldn't really be very hard for the person hearing it.

If someone's past experience involves rejection, not being valued or respected and not getting what they need, then a tough, aggressive approach may come across as a threat, not something that can be trusted or accepted. I think it's perfectly natural for people not to trust tough love if their past experiences are that toughness is not loving.

i think it is good to consider the context. this is a forum where there are a number of people dealing with quite heavy issues; they are in therapy in the midst of processing those issues and thus are in a rather vulnerable place. that is a very different context than say a political or religious forum where debate and freely giving one's opinion may be common communication styles. so, a higher degree of sensitivity does go a long way here. i tend to be direct but am learning to soften my language a bit and try not to give as much advice as i would in the past. each person here is unique and so there really aren't any one-size-fits-all ways of offering support. if someone says, like you do, that they like it straight then shoot straight, but if someone says that isn't what they want then it's probably best not to unless the person is just doing something incredibly self-destructive (e.g. severe cutting that will land them in the hospital or worse). remember how jesus only gave people as much info as they could handle? it's kind of like that. maybe what you want to say is what they need, but they just aren't there yet and won't be able to receive it. or, maybe it isn't being spoken in love. you'll find your way around here, amelia. just give it some time.