[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm happy to say I somewhat got my point across...but not nearly as much as I would have liked to. My T now knows our work needs to change and that I have mostly "outgrown" our previous work together.
I also asked her for extra help. She was irritated with me because I waited so long to ask and said "relationships require work on both ends" and said I was not doing my homework. I had homework? I was not really aware...Anyway I could now at least come twice a week and if we actually start getting somewhere, I could come more than twice if needed.

So I asked her how I could overcome the intense fear of opening up and bringing up everything I need to talk about, whatever it may be. I tend to pick and choose what to talk about and I always choose the easiest topics and avoid the harder ones until I can't stand it anymore. It's a vicious and painful cycle. I think it is because some of these conversations involve reflecting on our relationship and how it extends into my life. She told me to start writing down thoughts between sessions, but not to write in detail? I'm supposed to make bullet points or paragraphs that don't necessarily make sense. I guess the point is to have the initial thought/anxiety written down so we could dive into the details together, instead of allowing myself to over think things. She also reminded me that my time with her is safe and that I need to set boundaries for my fear and not let it walk through the door with me once I'm there. I could see how this might work but I'm still experiencing major anxiety over bringing things up.

I wasn't able to mention that I would like her to sit closer to me again, like she did the first few months of therapy. We have shared many hugs, but not for a while and I'm afraid to ask for that to happen again, at least temporarily, while times are this hard. The fear mostly comes from not knowing how to bring that up. Any suggestions? She has never told me "no" before in the year I've known her and I always anticipate hearing it for the first time. I just don't know how to approach this.

I would also appreciate any advice on how to bring up really tough topics and overcoming the anxiety behind it. I am not like others who say "I need to talk about [x]" and proceed to the conversation. I really want to get the most out of therapy so any help will be so appreciated.
I'm currently unemployed and refraining from applying/sending in resumes because I do not feel I could be a good employee right now due to how depressed I am. This is why it is important for me to make the most out of my sessions in the next few weeks.

Thanks.

[someone321]

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this...

I wouldn't like my T being irritated and saying that I do not do my homework which would be like I do not work hard enough I don't understand why yours told you that...

But it's good that now you can come twice a week and if needed even more often, maybe it will help you opening up? Like the first session in the week you could spend on "easy" topics and the second already on more important? Or in my case it was the opposite, the first was always more important while the second was about easy things so that I could have prepared myself to "survive" the rest of the week without my T...

Unfortunately I do not have any great advice how you can open up, as usually I just say "it", like it's only 10s of braveness and then a week of calmness while if I do not say what I want, I am just mad at myself... Writing down the bullets might work, like write down the keyword and try to read it to her - then at least she knows what the topic is about and can try to help you in exploring it a bit? Or could you send her an e-mail before the session? For me, it is much easier to write than talk... I've read that some people prefer opening up by art - drawing, music etc. - maybe one of these method could help you?

Do you think that you prefer "give a bomb" like saying one sentence which is the worst and see what will happen or you rather prefer going around the topic with a hope that every round will be a bit closer to the topic and closer?

[AllyIsHopeful]

Yeah it felt pretty crappy. I have already been feeling like a failure and like maybe I'm not trying hard enough, so I wish she hadn't said it, but it is what it is.

I think extra sessions will definitely help. At least a bit, anyway. When I used to go twice a week our relationship was closer and the trust and comfort was greater. I feel like I went blank for our next session though. I had sooo much on my mind and have been overwhelmed lately, but it all left me once she scheduled that extra appointment for me.
So now I'm not even sure what to write! For once I actually HOPE I have such a depressing day tomorrow so I could actually recall the things I need to get out. They are all still stuck in my subconscious mind but need to escape for this depression to leave me the hell alone!

I like your idea of alternating heavy/light topics. I will experiment doing it both ways and see what works best for me. At least until I'm comfortable allowing myself to just feel whatever I'm feeling, no matter what session it may be.

The "bomb dropping" is what I struggle the most with! It is that first sentence I absolutely cannot put into words! When it finally comes out it makes zero sense. So frustrating...

Yes, that first sentence... it took me ages to get to where I can actually get it out - and even now, even as recently as yesterday, I had to pause after three words and tell T that I needed a minute to get my breathing in order. But it has been possible to get to where I can get it out, and I am positive that it is possible for you, too. I have sometimes written down what I want to say (as a letter rather than bullet points) and brought it with me to tell T. But then there is the issue of overthinking and editing and changing the words, which I imagine you might also have.

I am glad you got more sessions per week, and that she is flexible about coming more often. May I ask whether you know that she was irritated with you, or whether it was your interpretation? (I agree that the words you quoted seemed a bit annoyed, but I can imagine that they could be said in a concerned rather than irritated way.)

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Yes, that first sentence... it took me ages to get to where I can actually get it out - and even now, even as recently as yesterday, I had to pause after three words and tell T that I needed a minute to get my breathing in order. But it has been possible to get to where I can get it out, and I am positive that it is possible for you, too. I have sometimes written down what I want to say (as a letter rather than bullet points) and brought it with me to tell T. But then there is the issue of overthinking and editing and changing the words, which I imagine you might also have.

I am glad you got more sessions per week, and that she is flexible about coming more often. May I ask whether you know that she was irritated with you, or whether it was your interpretation? (I agree that the words you quoted seemed a bit annoyed, but I can imagine that they could be said in a concerned rather than irritated way.)

Thanks for the positive thinking! It is much needed right now. I hope it is possible to get things out - sooner than later!
I tried the letter thing but could never get myself to bring them in. She wanted me to read them to her and I was NOT all for that. So I'm thinking the bullet points may be effective for me because it leaves it as a topic or an idea...so instead of going into detail, I could dive into detail with my Therapist and it will feel safer. The lady makes sense.

It may have been my interpretation that she was annoyed; but it wasn't too far-fetched. It was in her facial expression and tone. I don't know for sure but if it keeps weighing on me, I'll bring it up next session. I don't mind if she was a little irritated that I am complaining about the way sessions have been going, yet not doing my part...What bothers me is if she is implying I'm not trying hard enough. I know it is easy for people who aren't depressed to slip into that mentality sometimes. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

[Freewilled]

This is confusing to me. How are you supposed to know what your homework is if she doesn't disclose it to you? Did she ever give you assignments? I dont understand....

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

This is confusing to me. How are you supposed to know what your homework is if she doesn't disclose it to you? Did she ever give you assignments? I dont understand....

NO, she did not. She casually mentions "try writing..." and stuff but never mentions it correlating to the sessions in any way. I always take it as a coping suggestion to participate in between sessions, not as a guide for the sessions. She made it seem as if she gave me exact directions to write things down and bring them in to discuss them. I guess I have a different interpretation of what homework is in therapy.
The way I see it is if I had clear directions on what I should be doing in order to effectively communicate with her, why the hell wouldn't I be doing it? I wouldn't torture myself like that!

My therapist calls taking what I learn and actually using it outside his four walls my homework. He never formally gives homework, but he is very clear about what I should be using and practicing as my homework.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

My therapist calls taking what I learn and actually using it outside his four walls my homework. He never formally gives homework, but he is very clear about what I should be using and practicing as my homework.

Mine clearly knows I take what I learn and what we discuss into my everyday life and put it into practice. I never really thought of that as homework. I mean, it is hard to get better if those things are not put into practice.

If this is what my T meant she really is, in my opinion, implying I'm not putting in the right amount of work. I think I will end up asking her.

Or maybe she is more commenting on consistency . . . I know what I should do, but that doesn't always mean I do it each and every time. And it is those times I skip that tend to cause me the most stress and issues. Perhaps this was a comment on how long it took you to bring up your concerns with her; sounds like that is an issue for you that maybe you two have worked on before.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Or maybe she is more commenting on consistency . . . I know what I should do, but that doesn't always mean I do it each and every time. And it is those times I skip that tend to cause me the most stress and issues. Perhaps this was a comment on how long it took you to bring up your concerns with her; sounds like that is an issue for you that maybe you two have worked on before.

Yeah, it kind of is in regards to requesting extra help/sessions. That is when she threw this statement out there.

[purplemystery]

I have always had difficulties throwing a topic out there too. What helps me is that my T usually tells me to think back on how things have went previously, and how she has reacted positively to things I have said. I always manage to tell her something huge, and then when I tell her the next big thing that may not even be worse, I "forget" how she reacted in the past. I always think that this time will be different, and it's tough to keep the perspective in my mind that she won't hurt me. But it does help to think back to difficult things I've said in the past, so I thought I'd offer that suggestion.

I'm curious to know what your T meant about having boundaries with your fear and not letting it into the room. Did she explain that further? I feel like that would either be not helpful at all, or else be a really good suggestion. Either way, I kind of want to try it.

I hope things get better for you with these extra sessions.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I'm happy to say I somewhat got my point across...but not nearly as much as I would have liked to. My T now knows our work needs to change and that I have mostly "outgrown" our previous work together.
I also asked her for extra help. She was irritated with me because I waited so long to ask and said "relationships require work on both ends" and said I was not doing my homework. I had homework? I was not really aware...Anyway I could now at least come twice a week and if we actually start getting somewhere, I could come more than twice if needed.

So I asked her how I could overcome the intense fear of opening up and bringing up everything I need to talk about, whatever it may be. I tend to pick and choose what to talk about and I always choose the easiest topics and avoid the harder ones until I can't stand it anymore. It's a vicious and painful cycle. I think it is because some of these conversations involve reflecting on our relationship and how it extends into my life. She told me to start writing down thoughts between sessions, but not to write in detail? I'm supposed to make bullet points or paragraphs that don't necessarily make sense. I guess the point is to have the initial thought/anxiety written down so we could dive into the details together, instead of allowing myself to over think things. She also reminded me that my time with her is safe and that I need to set boundaries for my fear and not let it walk through the door with me once I'm there. I could see how this might work but I'm still experiencing major anxiety over bringing things up.

I wasn't able to mention that I would like her to sit closer to me again, like she did the first few months of therapy. We have shared many hugs, but not for a while and I'm afraid to ask for that to happen again, at least temporarily, while times are this hard. The fear mostly comes from not knowing how to bring that up. Any suggestions? She has never told me "no" before in the year I've known her and I always anticipate hearing it for the first time. I just don't know how to approach this.

I would also appreciate any advice on how to bring up really tough topics and overcoming the anxiety behind it. I am not like others who say "I need to talk about [x]" and proceed to the conversation. I really want to get the most out of therapy so any help will be so appreciated.
I'm currently unemployed and refraining from applying/sending in resumes because I do not feel I could be a good employee right now due to how depressed I am. This is why it is important for me to make the most out of my sessions in the next few weeks.

Thanks.

Thank you soo much for your update. I thought about you today during my session (which was hard) but I brought up the 50 minute luxury comment and she clarified so that was positive. I like you couldn't find the words to ask for a hug. I will write more tomorrow. I have had a really upsetting eve and only just logged on. Want to read all of your thread. Well done HH. Big hugs. Xx

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I'm happy to say I somewhat got my point across...but not nearly as much as I would have liked to. My T now knows our work needs to change and that I have mostly "outgrown" our previous work together.
I also asked her for extra help. She was irritated with me because I waited so long to ask and said "relationships require work on both ends" and said I was not doing my homework. I had homework? I was not really aware...Anyway I could now at least come twice a week and if we actually start getting somewhere, I could come more than twice if needed.

So I asked her how I could overcome the intense fear of opening up and bringing up everything I need to talk about, whatever it may be. I tend to pick and choose what to talk about and I always choose the easiest topics and avoid the harder ones until I can't stand it anymore. It's a vicious and painful cycle. I think it is because some of these conversations involve reflecting on our relationship and how it extends into my life. She told me to start writing down thoughts between sessions, but not to write in detail? I'm supposed to make bullet points or paragraphs that don't necessarily make sense. I guess the point is to have the initial thought/anxiety written down so we could dive into the details together, instead of allowing myself to over think things. She also reminded me that my time with her is safe and that I need to set boundaries for my fear and not let it walk through the door with me once I'm there. I could see how this might work but I'm still experiencing major anxiety over bringing things up.

I wasn't able to mention that I would like her to sit closer to me again, like she did the first few months of therapy. We have shared many hugs, but not for a while and I'm afraid to ask for that to happen again, at least temporarily, while times are this hard. The fear mostly comes from not knowing how to bring that up. Any suggestions? She has never told me "no" before in the year I've known her and I always anticipate hearing it for the first time. I just don't know how to approach this.

I would also appreciate any advice on how to bring up really tough topics and overcoming the anxiety behind it. I am not like others who say "I need to talk about [x]" and proceed to the conversation. I really want to get the most out of therapy so any help will be so appreciated.
I'm currently unemployed and refraining from applying/sending in resumes because I do not feel I could be a good employee right now due to how depressed I am. This is why it is important for me to make the most out of my sessions in the next few weeks.

Thanks.

I am not sure how to ask for the physical things you need. The topics though if she allows email maybe send her ideas. I did this last week. For the last couple of weeks I have wanted to discuss a certain topic but couldn't bring myself to bring it up. I felt horrible after so the next morning I sent her an email telling her that I felt we needed to discuss the topic and that I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up. She was thankful as it is a difficult but important topic and she plans to start bringing it up. There a few more topics that I would like to work on. So I will let her know eventually.

[elliemay]

I'm not sure the anxiety will go away, at least not for awhile. The key is (and I think this is what she means by setting boundaries with your fear) is to feel the anxiety, know it's there, and do what you need to do anyway.

Writing down your thoughts between sessions doesn't need to be a huge deal, in fact of you do just jot down some notes, each of those could be the elusive opening line to the conversation perhaps?

Overcoming fear and anxiety is doable. Just take little baby steps and build confidence along the way.

At least it's worked for me.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi HH. I think you have made huge progress in your session yesterday and I think you have a lot of positives to take forward. I think you are amazingly brave to bring this up with your T and to work through your feelings. Well done HH. Bullet points would be a great way to focus on the priorities for upcoming sessions.

I dont know how to address the physical side of things. I mentioned yesterday that I never received hugs from my parents - not growing up or now - and now I am a mother it is raising lots of emotion. I was hoping that she might ask if I would like a hug but she didnt. She just clarified my comment about nor receiving hugs and I confirmed. It was really awkward! She has never touched me (ive been seeing her for a year) and I would love some form of physical touch or a hug. So, any advice on how to ask would be much appreciated! I am just terrified she say no and i will feel rejected (as usual).

Well done HH for sharing & updating us on your session. I too have just been forced to elave a job and am going through the motions of applying for new posts. I too am struggling with depression and feelings of total worthlessness which isnt helped by a group of toxic friends, an unsupportive partner and family. I feel I get more support from you guys here than anywhere at the moment. So thank you. xx