[ScrewedUpMe]

I am worried...I sent an email to T explaining how I would like to proceed in therapy and how I would like to me more open with her etc. I also said that I can be pretty stroppy and awkward and horrible at times and that I didn't want to be like that with her so I had my reservations about being more 'real' with her...she replied with a long mail saying that I need to trust her and learn to believe that she cares for me and it's unconditional. She went on to say I can say whatever I like, and behave however I want, within reason. Her explanation of 'within reason' was that it would not be okay for someone to hit her but would be okay for them to express anger verbally towards her.

I am really hurt and offended that she felt it necessary to write that. I have to mention that I have occasionally been aggressive towards my husband, in a tantrum like way when I am so angry I just hit out (something which I am deeply ashamed of and have told every professional I come into contact with to try and get help for it)...I have BPD and sometimes get out of control. I have never hurt my husband, it's more like a childish tantrum. I just cannot believe that T would think for a second that I could or would be anything like that with her, or would even think I wouldn't know that was unacceptable. After 7 years I still don't dare to even tell T when i am upset or hurt by anything she says, let alone express any kind of anger. I have sent her an email saying that I am really offended that she thinks I could be violent towards her. That's all I wrote. Now I am scared of her response. But furious with her at the same time.

Am I taking this the wrong way? I fear I will be judged here as well for my aggression...please try and understand and not judge me. Thanks.

[Willowleaf]

Panic not. It's a standard therapeutic boundary which my t certainly has verbalised several times when going over boundaries. She often goes over them again, not because I am at all violent, but because she wants me to express some anger and she is trying to show me that apart from hitting her or damaging the room I have free range. Maybe yours could be doing the same? I've had almost identical emails from my t and I think she means them to be reassuring. If you could have this conversation with her it would probably help but if not hopefully enough other people will have had similar comments to put your mind at rest.

Regardless of her intent, I'd be hurt.

After 7 years I still don't dare to even tell T when i am upset or hurt by anything she says, let alone express any kind of anger.

Have you ever discussed this with your therapist? That does not sound like a healthy relationship.

[Asiablue]

I don't think she was stating that because she thought you needed warned not to get violent but rather because she'd said "within reason" and was clarifying what she meant by within reason so that you didn't think within reason meant anything other than if a client is violent. Being clear just eliminates any confusion. If she had not explained what she meant you could have assumed angry behaviour isn't allowed, criticising her isn't within reasonable behaviour, crying isn't within reasonable behaviour etc etc etc.

[unaluna]

It sounds like you have the rules all mixed up. I dont understand who in your world is allowed to talk and who is allowed to hit. Maybe if you figure out why those rules are confused - like were they messed up when you were a kid? Parents saying do as i say, not as i do? - you'll be able to figure out a set of rules to live by, for yourself and others. But right now they just seem confusing and scary, not helpful.

[Freewilled]

Mine said that to me too....but I believe it's just standard procedure. I try and remember that my T really doesn't know me 100% and it's his job to draw boundaries and make them clear. I think I responded by sort of chuckling and saying of course not - you don't have to worry about that, T.

People sometimes do become violent, I'm sure. Although it may be rare, I think it's still important for a T to remind their clients where the boundaries lie. Also, it opens up discussion of ways it is ok to express anger which many of us may struggle with.

[Lauliza]

I think your T just said this as standard procedure. As a professional she needed to clarify the statement "within reason" because I think it can mean different things to different people.

I think of it like when you are telling your most trusted friend a secret. Even if I know they won't repeat it, I'll still remind them "please don't tell anyone". It's not that I think they will, but I still need the disclaimer to be sure we're on the same page.

[unlockingsanity]

I doubt this is anything beyond her clearly expressing boundaries and is in no way a reflection of what she thinks you MIGHT do or something.

Another reason why emailing important things should be avoided. There is so much room for misunderstanding!

[HazelGirl]

I really think that your T was saying that you had a LOT of freedom in what you say and do. I don't think she wanted to say that she felt that you could be violent towards her, and in fact, I think she was using it to show that anything you could or would bring into the therapy room would be completely okay.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by hankster

It sounds like you have the rules all mixed up. I dont understand who in your world is allowed to talk and who is allowed to hit. Maybe if you figure out why those rules are confused - like were they messed up when you were a kid? Parents saying do as i say, not as i do? - you'll be able to figure out a set of rules to live by, for yourself and others. But right now they just seem confusing and scary, not helpful.

Sorry Hankster I don't really understand this...? But yes, to answer your question my parents were very much do as I say, not as I do and were violent and aggressive. Unfortunately that's what I seemed to be imitating and I hate it

[ScrewedUpMe]

Thanks all. I am getting a bit of perspective and beginning to calm down about the whole thing. Maybe you're right, maybe it is just standards of what she tells people...I think what I find difficult is that she has known me for 7 years now...that's a long time. I don't consider myself to be a client that she has to clarify boundaries with, especially since she has never once talked about boundaries with me! Even rules around fees for phone calls, emails etc. are unclear and I find myself guessing if I need to pay her or not and transferring payment. So boundaries are not readily discussed.

She also knows how incredibly bad I feel about ever being aggressive towards my husband and how I have held my hands up about it and begged for help. This feels clumsy to me and I am still hurt that she put it in the way she did.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Sorry Hankster I don't really understand this...? But yes, to answer your question my parents were very much do as I say, not as I do and were violent and aggressive. Unfortunately that's what I seemed to be imitating and I hate it

Your parents gave you mixed messages (as did mine) so when somebody says something direct, as your t did, we wonder what the hidden message really is. So maybe thats why you were so insulted - we KNOW what they REALLY meant! -- that sounds like my mothers favorite expression! Of course we imitate it - thats all we knew growing up. Its become a part of our brains. Its called the evil introject - the mothers voice in our head. The sensible conversation with our ts eventually replaces that voice.

[Hellion]

I really don't think she was trying to assume anything about you...probably just wanted to be clear on what the rules are more or less. I mean when I go to therapy the therapist might ask if I've been feeling suicidal at all...not because she's accusing me of planning to attempt suicide just to check up and make sure since that is a risk. They have to tell all people they provide therapy to that they have to take action(usually call emergency services to take you to the ER in most cases) if you imply you're a danger to yourself or others....not because they automatically think that will happen but just to make sure they are informed. So I think she was just trying to be informative.

Its ok to have told her you feel offended though, if she's a therapist she should try to understand where you are coming from...it is good to be open about how you feel.

[msxyz]

I don't think she meant it personal, she probably just wanted be extra thorough and not leave any room for interpretation.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Thanks again everyone for your responses and thanks Hankster for clarifying, that makes sense.

T replied to my email...she said, 'I can see how you would read it like that, but in my head as I wrote it I was trying to say that therapy can be about expression of whatever is going on for the "client"( so my narrative had moved into a general explanatory concept) and I as I wrote it I moved into a non personal to you statement i.e. one wouldn't expect violence as a mode of expression'. So I guess you lot were spot on. She said it helps her to understand how I interpret things literally and personally. She also said 'Trust me I like you so very much and sincerely do not think you would be violent towards me.'

So that's that cleared up Silly me...again. Thanks for your support everyone.