Toxic relationship or not? Please help

I am sorry to be so demanding with another thread talking in circles, but I honestly can't tell black from white at the moment.

I'm quite strong in myself at the moment - I had some very difficult news today which will have grave implications for me, and I'm handling it just fine. I am very worried about the situation but have not turned on myself savagely/ don't feel worthless or a joke or whatever. It's amazing to reach this point, and I am very grateful to my therapist.

It is very hard to write this post because I have been given so much help from her, and I think she is pretty wonderful. But I think the therapy thing might be becoming toxic for me now.

I think the period where the boundaries were too fluid means I can't be satisfied in a boundaried relationship with this particular therapist. It's just hurtful and mildly embarrassing. At my session yesterday, I told her I miss her now in the week in between, and she offered a time the day before my regular slot, which I can't take because I'm in hospital that day. She really isn't doing anything wrong, she is being so generous, but I can't help but feel disgruntled.

So then I sent an email being frank about how I felt. Which boils down to having a horrid dawning realisation that she has cooled towards me. I said out straight that I'm afraid she can't love me anymore, the more she gets to know me and 'sees' me.

I got a couple of lines in reply, saying she's so busy and that's the main reason she can't offer other sessions, and that's the best she can do.

I don't think therapy can work for me with someone who used to be so incredibly loving and there and in my corner. It feels like a good way to poison myself.

Ironically this is proof that therapy with her did work, when it was going smoothly - because I keep trying to criticize myself and totally blame myself for reading into things wrong and only seeing what I wanted to see, but I simply don't believe that. I didn't twist her arm and make her say all the treasured things she said to me, nor did I force her to engage in the pretty intense relationship that was rooted in a kind of sisterly love.

I wouldn't change the way the therapeutic relationship was for all the world, because it has been such a major catalyst for healing. She loved me (appropriately, I mean) for long enough to lead me back to myself. But I really don't need another experience of someone withdrawing love. I don't want crumbs

I think it's time to go, and I am very sad. But fine.

I think there are a few issues, and that they may well be resolvable if you continue.
She crossed some useful boundaries with all her financial meddling and offering dual roles.
Additionally, she's seeing you for free, for a significant period.
Further, you're experiencing some relatively recent and troublesome transference.
And very significantly, you're experiencing withdrawl from her as you've cut back significantly. (You know that I can empathize 1000% with that one.)

Given all these difficulties, I actually think the very best thing is to stay the course, hold out for a month, and give yourself time to process everything and get used to the current routine, and assess your feelings and functioning at that time.

Big hugs. I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I can empathize with a lot of what you've written, but I think that the relationship becoming more stable, even if the stability includes more limits, may not be the disaster it feels like today. I've seen those feelings resolve in my own experience, and that the relationship can still be wonderful, but it takes time to really let things settle enough to decide. I just encourage you to give yourself a little time, and not decide in the midst of so much confusion, upset and change.

Leah, thank you so much. And I know you totally get how hard it is to have dramatically less contact. Bajillions of hugs to you.

I know what you're saying is very true and that it could be useful to plough on and reasses in a month or so. But I'm actually starting to get distressed by the idea of continuing. It makes me feel more lonely than if I stopped, because it's like she's there but not in the same way. This is someone who used to text me to say she was sleeping with the phone by her head if I needed to call during really bad nights. It's like doing therapy with somebody else now. She doesn't tell me that she loves me anymore. Fair enough, I'm a big girl. But I don't deserbe to put myself through another instance of someone deciding they don't love me after all.

What I'm saying is that you might want to have a little more time to assess what she's doing and get through the withdrawal. I know just what you mean about being more lonely than if you were totally cut off: that's just how it's been for me.

Now, in terms of the emotional distancing you mention though, have you discussed that you miss those warm comments from her? Can you ask her for them?

My therapist has used certain phrases and comments with me that I love, and then stopped at times. Sometimes I've prodded her to use them again, and she obliges.

There is SO much change in your relationship right now, it's absolutely bound and guaranteed to be jarring. I do believe this sensation of being dropped can actually get better, and the therapy can still be helpful if she's still committed to you and I sense that she is.

I think you might be getting ahead of yourself, anticipating, panicing and worrying that she won't love you anymore. I don't see that happening right now at all. Moreso... I think I see you reacting to the fear of it, which is totally understandable to me because of all the changes and recent confusion.

I just wonder if this is more about mourning and missing a "honeymoon" period. I think what follows eventually, after the destabilizing period of mourning which can give rise to the fears, can be a more level and seemingly less intense relationship, but also a much deeper and more secure one.

IDK, but it just seems as though the problem isn't in the relationship (the observable behaviors and interactions), but in your fears and thoughts about the relationship.

I'm sorry. I can understand how hard of a decision this is to make. It definitely is tough for T to change the way the game is played in a way that seems backwards and awkward. Sometimes it is necessary for them to do so depending on individual circumstances, to protect you or themselves...or both. It could be a situation that could be incredibly powerful and healing to push through but I know that is much easier said than done. It is important to really reflect on the situation, to make sure you are 100% certain of the intentions behind your decision before following through with it. If you feel it will be more damaging to stay with her, definitely move on and use everything she taught you...you can even look for a new T if you need one still. If you feel this is something you could adjust to and manage being uncomfortable for a while, during this transition, it may be best to stick it out with her.
I had a similar dynamic with my Therapist and we are still very connected and have a close, unique bond; but she had to change the boundaries because my needs have changed. I couldn't see it at first, but after some reflecting and asking her loads of questions, I completely understand her angle and agree it is necessary at this stage of my healing. It is an uphill battle for a while, I'm still working on accepting it. I still feel she is in my corner, one of my biggest allies, and a powerful advocate for my well-being...I still feel safe. And slowly I am beginning to feel peaceful.

I hope you are able to follow your heart and go with what you feel is the best possible decision.

Thank you Leah The thing is when she went outside the boundaries, she became more than a T. And I can't scale it back in my head or heart. I can get a lot out of therapy with her intellectually for sure, but that is it. Something in me has retreated from her, and I don't feel 'safe'. This is exceedingly annoying, because I have never been so vulnerable with anyone before in my entire life. I was at the point in my own head where I felt okay about crying in front of her, for example. It hadn't happened, but I kept being very close to it, and was pretty calm about it. Now, the idea makes me want to retch again. I can't go there. Not with her. With another T in future, where they haven't fu.cked things up a bit unintentionally, I know I definitely can.

Thanks, FKM! I don't know - the problem feels very much like it is in the relationship? I'm not getting the responses from her that I got before. I'm having a repeat of rejections I have had before from other unsatisfactory people, who dismiss my wants or needs or whatever.

After leading me on a wild goose chase to believe she was never going to pull the kind of stunts my biological mother did, she has gone and done virtually the same thing.

Ally I am so glad you have said you still feel safe with your T. Long may that continue! Thank you for your reply - and that in fact neatly packages up my key quibble - no, I don't feel safe with her. Not one bit. It's a miserable drag and I'm fed up of it, because I believe that therapy works best when you feel the T really does care and isn't kind of on the fence.

That's how you feel *now*

If you quit therapy, that's how you will continue to feel.

Feelings change and ruptures can be resolved. You can't scale back today, but you'd be surprised how resilient a good therapy relationship can be, that you may be able to successfully rebuild the relationship and feel safe again. That's not a guarantee, but if you quit now, I don't think you're giving yourself a fair opportunity for for a reparative experience.

I want you to give yourself some time.

Good relationships gone sour can get good again.

That's something hard for me to accept too, but I have found it's true. That's what I'm not sure if you're considering right now, that potential.

It just looks like, from the outside, you've had a number of major concerns arise almost simultaneously, and your emotions are on high intensity and you're on high alert. Fight or flight, fight or flight.... but what if you did neither. What if you sat with these feelings and just observed them and told your therapist where you were emotionally in the relationship?

Thank you Leah. You posit a good case, for sure I know that I get impatient and hate sitting with crap, that I like to jump before I'm pushed (as I see it).

I think if I'm honest about how I really feel my therapist will be at best a bit more chilly in her dealings with me, and at worst will be borderline aggressive the way she was in our terrible session a while back. Scared of that. And in that session I wasn't in a place to 'stand up for myself', I was too stunned at this stranger in the room with me.

Now, if she went for the juglar I would be so hurt and mad but feel strong, so I would call her out (perhaps with a degree more venom than is necessary, because I have a hot temper - it takes a lot to make me lose it but when I do I really go for it!) and then she would be more aggressive back and it would all be hateful. That's what I'm most afraid of. Exchanging bitter, hurtful words. I have no delusions - I know she's trained to not be affected by anger so it'd be water off a duck's back. I don't want to upset myself by intentionally wading into an aggressive space with another.

This was a hard thread to read. I can't imagine my T going from warm to hot to cold to freezing. It would drive me insane. It would break me I'm sure. I'm very close to my T. I hope your T has the ability to mend fences with you. This all sounds so painful.

My very lowest, bleakest, ugliest moment in therapy was when I waded, no, honestly, when I plunged, cannonball, into an agressive space with my therapist. I'll never forget it. It was my most regretful session.

Then, she came back at me with a passion. She had her brief upset moment too, and we ended. In the empty space between that contact and the next, I was wrecked.

When the next contact occurred, we started the repair work, her doing the heavy lifting, but me holding my own as well. She learned a great deal from seeing me agressive, and while I was not pleased it happened.... it was a most valuable experience. She came back recovered, caring, with new tools, and our relationship has continually gotten stronger than that. She proved herself to me. A very powerful experience.

I think it is important, in therapy of this type, to indeed get to the point where we show our darker sides, agressive, insecure, jealous... whatever it may be, or all of the above.

A therapist worth our time will be just fine dealing with this side of us. I can see why you're afraid, but... I have a feeling you know instinctively how well bravery and honesty can pay off.

And that your worst expectations of the outcome are just that... worst possible, not most likely.

I'm going to think on all your above post. But really something in me can't quite trust my t the way you trust yours, I don't think. Maybe I should though and grit my teeth til trust comes back. Need to think.