Calling out LCM— too harsh?

This might be the thread that a lot of you have been hoping would happen since the second I started to see LCM outpatient. I know a lot of you dislike LCM's general attitude towards our sessions. Well, I got really upset today.

Basically, about every other week, LCM postpones our phone sessions to a different day. She is late to call every time to the point where I schedule her a half an hour before I can expect her to actually call. This hasn't really gotten better. She went on a vacation for about two weeks and we didn't talk. I really missed her and she checked in with me yesterday because I needed help. But our session was supposed to be on Friday. At 8:30, she texts me and tells me that she is on the road with her boyfriend to New York and has to postpone our session to later. I said okay. 9:00 still on the road. 9:30, 10, 10:30. She postpones until 11pm when she finally says she is too tired and moved the session to Sunday. I decided to email her and tell her how I feel:

"Yeah. So I said I was only a little bit upset. I'm more upset than a little bit. I know you don't have time to read this. I wish we could process this together on the phone, but that didn't happen and it won't be relevant on Sunday because the second I hear your voice, I don't seem to care anymore.

I know to you, this is somewhat casual. You've said it yourself. It is only phone calls and I can see that the nature of this is casual. The problem is that it can never be emotionally casual to me. Even if I'm completely batshit insane and my reality is radically different from everyone else's, my feelings for you and for what we do aren't casual and can never because I'm not a casual person. Our sessions mean everything to me and I look forward to them a lot even if I can't seem to say anything when they finally happen. I spent the last week and a half telling myself that life is miserable but I just have to wait until Friday the 25th. Then I can talk to you and everything will be okay even if just for an hour because I can talk to someone who wants to listen to me that isn't going to be abandoning me in two weeks. I don't have to be alone for an hour because I'm talking to you. Then you mess up the planning and have to postpone the thing that I looked forward to more than anything else since the last time we hung up.

I know it is just a poor lack of planning on your part. But this happens quite a lot and given everything that I am, when you postpone our sessions all the time, my first thought isn't "haha [her name] sucks at planning", it is "mom doesn't care about me enough to commit to spending time with me". I have to dial myself back to remembering that you just suck at time and I can do that, but it hurts every time because I remember all those times my real mom said she'd play with me or look at something I made and she never put down the phone or stopped cleaning to do it because she never felt like what I wanted to show her or the time I wanted to spend with her was nearly as important as the work she had to do. I already know that I can never be as important to you as you are to me. I'm not trying to get you to change that. I'm just asking you to please not causally remind me of that every other week because it isn't pleasant to remember.

I'm sorry if this is upsetting or makes you feel guilty. That's not my intention. I just want you to know how this upsets me and if you could maybe tell me you aren't upset with me for being upset and writing this I'd really appreciate it. I already know I'll be refreshing my inbox every hour on the hour tomorrow after sending this and I just ask you to spare me of that.

You still don't have to be perfect. I still like that you're imperfect. Just please try to remember how emotionally invested I am in this. I still love you and I still really REALLY appreciate how you are always there for me when I really need you. I'm just upset over scheduling and I'll get over it by the time daylight breaks."

So I guess I kinda called her out. Was this too much? I'm now (as I predicted) nervous.

To be honest, I think this was perfect. I think this is exactly what you needed to do. Why do I feel that way? Because I've followed your posts, and it seems you do let her get away with a LOT - even you said that in this when you said when you hear her voice things go away. But the real reason I think this is needed is because all the abandonment you've been through and the hurt, it shows that you are becoming strong in that you aren't afraid to go off on someone and that fear of being abandoned seems to have subsided. At least with LCM.

I think this was absolutely perfect, growli. Will you share her response? I'm curious as to how she will react.

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Since LC is not your T, does she get paid for these phone sessions with you? By insurance or by your parents?

I think the problem here is that you can't really expect her to be a T when she isn't one, and she can't be both a T and an LC at the same time. You call her at 2am when you're upset, and she answers right away and talks to you. Then, she isn't always available at scheduled appointment times. It seems like you can only get one or the other; either, you decide on a formal relationship where you have a set schedule that you stick to or you have a more casual relationship where you can call/text at all hours. I think it would be almost impossible for someone to be able to do both for you. Maybe you and LC can work out what the expectations are for your relationship. Getting a T would also probably help so that you could split up your needs between the two of them, instead of relying on LC for so many different things.

Well I did follow that up an hour later with a string of apologizes saying I was too harsh and begging her to stay. So it hasn't totally subsided lol.

I'll share her response. She'll probably just say she's sorry again. She said she was sorry earlier and that being upset makes sense. And then that she was so tired she was delirious. I told her I understand what happened and I don't need an explanation. Her response to that was kinda just lightheaded surprise at my callousness "you said you were a little bit upset. I'm going to sleep darling. Thank you for understanding". Her response will be short in writing. She doesn't respond to long emails.

Well she's acting as a T now. I'm going to hold off on finding a new T until after finals at a minimum if not until next Sep. It wouldn't make sense to start therapy now only to cut it off in a month or two if I get this particular job and manage to avoid going back to my parents house. My parents pay her, but not a lot. If the places I applied for work ever call me back, I'll contribute to it.

I'm nervous. I really don't want her to be upset about this. Maybe she can't control her disorganization.

It can well be she won't change on your behalf- either she can't or she doesn't want to.
But that's not the point here. Being honest about your feelings is and I think your letter succeeded in that

To me, it sounds like LC is trying to be helpful but has overextended herself. She isn't just being disorganized; she is systematically not keeping her appointments with you when it's inconvenient for her / when the appointments would cut into her own life. She is making commitments to you that she cannot or will not keep.

This is really bad judgement on her part. You are emotionally dependent on her and she's got to know how much it hurts you when her behavior says, "You are not important enough to me to make time for you right now." (Honestly, if I was on a roadtrip with boyfriend and needed to make an hour-long phone call, we would stop and he'd have coffee somewhere.) To that end, I applaud your email! It needed to be said.

It sounds like you have confronted her about this before and she just shrugged it off. To me, that shows that she has no intention of changing her behavior. So that really leaves you with two options:

Accept that she is not a realiable source of support and accept what she does give to you. Or find yourself an additional (or another entirely) source of support.

No, she isn't. Calling her a "T" does not make her a T.

She is not acting like a T, and it isn't possible for a person's mom to be their T anyways.

A real T would help you explore your resistance to getting a new T.

Wow. I must have been missing out on some of your posts. I didn't know your situation was so bad. I just want to say this and I hope you can trust me on it even though I'm just someone on an Internet forum: your reality isn't different from everyone else's, well I mean it is unique like everyone else's of course, but you are right in everything you say. Life coaching is just some phrase, the way this relationship seems to work for you is as a therapeutic relationship and this is exactly why therapy # friendship. Therapy can never be casual even if there may be a lot of seemingly casual moments in some cases. It's normal that this person will have a lot of influence on you and it's never okay for a professional to be in such a helping position unaware of this fact. Sorry if I seem to be harsh. I really think that you or any client who puts their trust in any sort of therapist deserve and need much more reliability, continuity and stability than this. Would it be an option for you to go see another therapist to help you deal with these things you're going through? I see it as worrisome that your LCM even thinks this CAN be casual. I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself and I hope you receive better, proper therapy in the future, from her or from someone else. I'm aware how hard it is to even consider seeing someone else instead, I know the emotional bond between the two of you is very strong, and at the same time I know you deserve better sessions that you can rely on and trust will happen. I wish you the best!

My resistance towards getting a new T:
- I don't have time
- I'm scared I'll pick someone who hurts me
- I'm scared to get attached because I don't want to be attached to anyone but LCM
- I don't want another person to leave.

LCM is good. She just has this one little issue.

So you're willing to tread water.

I don't know your situation all that well, but do you think that there is a difference between staying in the relationship with LCM and an unreliable friend who doesn't always show up?

growlithing, it sounds like the boundaries in this relationship with your life coach are getting pretty confused. you call her "life coach mom" and "T". she's just your life coach. i know you don't want to hear that but blurring all these boundaries and having her try to fill all these different roles (mom, T, and friend) sound like they are messing with your head. i hope you can get this back to a professional relationship with proper boundaries within her role as a life coach. the boundaries are to keep you safe and secure and she just doesn't have the training to be a substitute T. because of this it doesn't sound like you are emotionally safe or secure right now.

Listen to yourself. LCM is supposed to help you build a life you want; instead, you talk about her as if she is your life. She is not. It's okay for you to be attached to her but she shouldn't prevent you from establishing other meaningful relationships in your life: friends, family, pets, maybe a T.

If you are so attached to LCM that that attachment prevents you from seeking and entering other relationships, LCM is a problem. Your relationship with her keeps you stuck.

I agree with the others on this one, your life coach in my oppinion should be helping you on your growth and independence, rather than fostering dependancy. It seems you are stuck on not seeing beyond your life coach as far as not wanting to reach towards others, or at least give it a try, I dont see any boundaries in this relationship with your life coach, at the moment, so its not like she is an acting t, its more in the lines of a friendship and a blurred life coach, I can call a friend at 2 am, I cant call a t, at 2 am.

I am wondering, if your life coach has worked through her issues, in my oppinion

of course, sometimes people like other people to be dependent on them to feel needed, this could be a possiblility here , but I hope not, she is suppose to be helping you, have your best interest, pushing you to get a new t, or tt, even if it is temporary, just to give you that head start.

Its been a long time, by now, you should have had a tt, and a new t, if not on your own, but with her help, even if you didnt want to talk to them at first, even if you just sat there the whole hour, non verbal communication speaks a thousand words.

What is an LCM?

Thanks!

It's Psych Central specific - Life Coach Mom re: Growlithing, because (if I am not mistaken) at one point she had quite a few therapists on the boil so it was helpful to give LCM a defining name.

Growlithing, I think your email was really good. I know you mentioned you apologized after it, but the fact you sent it at all was significant. It's a definite step towards getting on your own side more and developing your agency.

LC is not going to be the only one who ever loves you. There will be others! It might not always feel like it, but it's true. There really will be.

Thank you, IndestructibleGirl ...

These are the very issues why you should seek out a new T, if only short term for now. I think a t will help you sort through your confusion regarding LCM. I think what you wrote to her was great and totally appropriate. Your expectations have become what they are because LCM never put any boundaries into place. Even friends and family menbers need to have boundaries- they are necessary in any healthy relationship. LCM has created a relationship with unreasonable expectations and is finding that she can't (or won't) adhere to them. I know this isn't what you want to hear although I think somewhere deep inside you may know this. It's not because she doesn't care. It's because this kind of open ended, available at anytime, type of relationship is not realistic. A t should try to model healthy relationships for you. Instead, she is actually modeling a very unhealthy relationship and as you are starting to see, this is not going to help you in your real life. You are a young woman with much to offer. A Ts job is to help you see this yourself and teach you skills so you can relate to others outside of therapy without so much fear. To help you build a more satisfying life for yourself with your family and peers. If LCM were really capable of helping you, she would have gotten a real T involved by now. I'm sorry, but I think she is doing a lot of harm by taking on so much of your care when she isn't qualified to do so.

I'm not leaving LCM. I'd rather be hurt by her than lose her

This is the attitude that I find really worrying, if it is your honest stance and if the relationship does start to become damaging. It's equivalent to being in a relationship where there is domestic violence and refusing to leave because you feel you can't survive without the other person. But really, being in a toxic relationship will subdue your own life force anyway, and conscript you to a half-life.

But it isn't like that. She's not abusing me. She just sucks at keeping track of time. She's trying hard and I love her for it. She's just a flawed person like everyone else.

Good! I think it's obvious she cares a lot about you.

That's not what I find concerning. It's that you are happy to shrug and compromise and would rather be hurt than lose her, if - and of course it is a big hypothetical if - you felt the relationship was doing more harm than good. That is not having your own best interests at heart. That is refusing to be the star of your own life. It's not fully grasping that we only get one crack at this, that if you minimize your own needs and wants and dreams like that you'll be waiting for Godot and then suddenly wake up old.

Obviously, this is all merely my opinion