Curious if anyone might understand my therapists tactic here?

He is always calling and texting people, i.e. coming into session he'll mention casually oh bad traffic so I was just on my phone texting for the past hour... Sometimes in session I'll catch him looking at his phone, a few times even texting. I've gotten the impression he talks to clients, texts clients, emails them etc. I could be wrong, but that was my impression.

He's said before that email is ok, calling is ok, within reason. In over 60 sessions I've emailed maybe 8-10 times and gotten usually a sentence response or maybe two. If I email something happy, response will come in hours, "that's great!" When I need a response however, when my email is desperate and depressed, I either won't get one or I'll wait for 5 + days. Like the one time I sent an email when I was in the middle of a breakdown, then freaked out and sent another that night apologizing for the first, then had a panic attack, then sent a third email apologizing more, long before I got any response I had relapsed and had another a panic attack complete with vomiting!

As you may guess, this has just recently happened again. But now I'm very pissed and I think I need to find a new therapist. The last session he said he wanted me to embrace my neediness. (Never mind that the last two sessions were cut short because he was looking bored.) Well I thought I was doing that when I sent a short email, and it just hurt me more when there was no response. All I needed is a sentence. How is this helpful for me to build up the courage to share my pain and I get back a very clear response that I am a burden and an annoyance and a pain to deal with? The other thing I've been very bothered by is that he asks me almost no questions. Does anyone else have this? I need a therapist who asks questions, is this normal?

I emailed him when I was really hurting, maybe I didn't convey that enough, maybe it's just not a big deal to anyone but me... but what's the fing point of a therapist? When I'm alone and want to die, the reality is just that. My therapist has no idea what it's like to be me. He's never been this alone. This feels like abandonment and it is what fuels suicidal thoughts for me. Am I alone in this?

Texting and emailing aren't really the same thing. Some people don't do email at all over their phones, so just because he is texting doesn't mean he's checking and answering email. And even if he's texting, you really don't know who he is texting. It very well may not be clients at all.

You said you've "gotten the impression" and that you cut your session short because you thought he "was looking bored". You interpret no response as a "clear response that I am a burden and an annoyance and a pain to deal with". You assume "he's never been this alone". Lots of assumptions and mind reading going on there.

Does your therapist actually do therapy via email? Have you had that discussion with him? It sounds like probably not since he told you email is okay "within reason". Usually that means feel free to send it, but it isn't his preference. Historically he doesn't give lengthy replies, so he'd probably rather you call or discuss things in session. Many T's work that way. I know mine does. That doesn't make him a bad T, but perhaps it isn't the style of therapist you prefer to work with. If that is the case, you could consider finding a therapist who is more open to technology as a tool for therapy. They're out there.

Talk to him about how this frustration fuels your abandonment issues and see if there is a way to work with this. He may not offer anything more than he already does; that is his professional choice. But you never know; he might come up with some options for you.

I would be very upset if my T was texting during my session and it wouldn't matter if it was to another client or to a family member... Then I would expect the explanation because I guess emergencies can happen so once or two I would forgive but continuously?

I agree however with 1914sierra that most of this what you've written were your "impressions", do you think that you could confront your T regarding them? And tell your T how you feel when he's texting others but you don't get the response from him for days etc... If you really do not like his approach maybe finding a new T wouldn't be so bad idea...

I might be wrong here, but you have the right to ask that he put the gadgets away while he is in session with you. He sounds like a gismoholic...
If my therapist was distracted by something like that I would say something. It would be like someone popping their head in the door constantly, which would distract the whole session. Right? This is no different.
He's distracted. You're distracted by his distractions. Ask for undivided attention! For crying out loud you are not getting it and you deserve that.

I think it would be more beneficial to bring all this up with him. Sometimes, you might be surprised by the response of another person. You can't see into their mind, after all.

Email causes so many problems in therapy! My t and I struggled with it a lot. I suggest asking specifically what his rules are and what you can expect regarding replies. Same with texting. If what he allows isn't going to help you, then perhaps you do need a new t.

My t asks me a lot of questions. Can you discuss your concerns with him? Can you tell him how you feel, like you posted? He should be more understanding, in my opinion. If you aren't getting the help you need, then it's time to find someone who CAN be more effective. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Hugs!

First, he should be giving you his undivided attention. IMO, you shouldn't even know he owns a cell phone when you're in the room together. You're paying for his undivided attention. The cell phone should never even be brought out.

The hour is yours, he shouldn't be interrupting it for others. Checking texts is not ok.

Second, no, my lady doesn't really ask that many questions. Mostly she lets me just say what I'm thinking. Sometimes at the end she'll add her thoughts. For awhile, I wondered what the point was too... but then like, last time, we got into some stuff and she was more helpful. I think with me, I know all the answers... so the point is getting into things that I don't know the answers to. Which is weird for me because I always have an answer. But last time I was lost. Zero idea. So she filled in the blanks. It was weird. I'm never completely blank like that. But I had no clue. And when she filled in the blank, I actually accepted what she had to say because it seemed true. Typically, I reject her input because I figure she doesn't get it. Or has an agenda, or whatever. But her input made sense, so I accepted it.

That's rude~ i'd be gone. I am not paying to have a therapist in session with the person on the other end of the phone. oh hell no. and cutting short because he looks bored. wow. I hope his pay was cut short as well.

The rest~ I'm going to bite my tongue. His disrespecting you in his office is enough to set me off. Best of luck!

Sounded like the poster cut the session short because she perceived the therapist looked bored, not the other way around.

Agree that the phone needs to be put away during session.

Ok~ that's true. I would have walked if my therapist looked bored as well. (but I would have had to pay)

Either way~ the poster has stated that he sometimes looks at his phone and text. That is despicable behavior.

I think looking at his phone is absolutely not okay. My T has only picked up his phone twice - once he forgot to turn the ringer off, it rang in my session and he switched it off, and once he had to take an emergency call which he warned me about in advance.

I think it might be time for a new T, sorry.

so i had this problem with my T before. about sending him texts and emails when i was in distress. at first he responded immediately but then started not to respond at all. We had a mini rupture over this a couple years ago. He told me that by him responding to my distressing texts and emails it reinforces the distress and dependency on him. He was saying that I need to learn how to take care of myself when im in distress/. it was like i wasnt taking respnsibility to care for myself and wanting him to take care of me. He also said when i sent distressing emails and texts it distressed him. We agreed that I wouldnt text him anymore. that lasted a long time but one day he texted me and we started texting again. but i thank him for making me realize that i can help myself when i am in distress just as much as he can help me. i think thats the goal of Therapy in general. To internalize the relationship and utilize it to take care of oursellves. It was good for me to be self reliant.

wow. I can see why you are frustrated. You'd think T of all people would understand you on this and communicate how you can get help if you're having a breakdown and be clear about his policies and stuff.

Frankly... to me... he just sounds irresponsible and unprofessional.

So sorry you are going through that.

Sorry if that read like my T is always on the phone, that's not the case, but yes over 60 sessions let's say he's texted people a few times during our session. All that being said, I actually feel angrier now.

I've wondered before if this is it, but then I think ok, lets say I've sent 5 distressed emails in over a year, is that dependency? I've felt distressed about a thousand times over that period. I feel so alone, usually my distress is needing to know someone cares. Would it really be that bad for me to have one person in my corner who can send me an encouraging word here and there? I'm just ranting on...

Actually feeling cared for is all my distress and my only need. I'm not sure it would really help me to ruminate more when I'm that state of mind. To be clear, I do not want to live when I'm in that state of mind of desperately needing to feel cared for (which by the way is just human isn't it?) I send an email since it's not as intrusive as a text or a call... I barely talk, I barely want to burden anyone. So maybe I should talk less, or maybe I should just die.

This absolutely blows because I want to fire him but I am too fing desperate and needy to do that without a lot of pain now. It seems to me that therapists foster dependency when it's in their best interest. Once it's there they can do whatever. No one takes me seriously, I literally want to kill myself I am so angry about the way I've been treated, not just this therapist, but my whole life. So bring on the hate! Make it easier for me.

I really think you need to bring this up with him. I know it's hard, but it sounds like an extremely important topic.

Every time this happens to me I feel like I'm stupid for caring. He wants me to get vulnerable, but how does that happen? How do you open up to someone who doesn't really care about you? I can see if I emailed him all the time this being the response, but how can I feel cared for when I know that if the **** hit's the fan he is not going to be there for me. I know he cant be there for me, but I mean not even there for me in the sense of sending back a sentence or two, "I'm sorry, let's talk about that next time." God, I'm not even a therapist but I've had clients email me stuff venting... "my wife was diagnosed with cancer" or "my kid is in the hospital." I cant ignore that, my job isn't even therapy but I still reply as a human being.

i agree with HAzel. its worth discussing. better than just trying to GUESS why. i, too, have a hard time really feeling that someone cares about me. i find it hard to hold on to the moments when i DO feel like my T cares. i try to think back to those moments. but its a trust issue i guess. so many people in my life have said one thing and done another. so i expect my T to be like that too. say he cares but doesnt really. but deep down inside of me i DO know he cares a lot. its just hard to access that in times of distress

The tricky thing about vulnerability is that the only way to learn how to be vulnerable is to practice being vulnerable. There's no easy way around it. If you feel like he won't be there for you, can you talk to him about that first? Maybe that would be an easier topic to start with?

((((hugs)))) that's just unacceptable and completely inappropriate. Not very professional, whatsoever.

Tactic? Teaching assertion of boundaries, perhaps?

Embrace your 'neediness', sounds like a creep. ai yai yai...

Either he gives you every minute you paid for, or you walk...

Isn't there a link of reporting unethical behavior on this sub section?

((((hugs))))


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Something similar happened to me with previous T. I got the feeling that she wanted me to get so angry I'd just totally lose it at her. Didn't work - it scared me too much and I shut down.

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Do not think it's at all acceptable for a therapist to be texting, or even reading a text during a session with you.

Do you feel confidant enough to confront him about this?

Whoa, that's exactly how I feel, that he is trying to piss me off!

I hate being this needy, and all I have to say is thank god I have someone to blame for it

Petra5ed,

Are you and your therapist doing good work together at all?

I hope you talk to him about this. When you say he doesn't know how it feels-have you ever told him how it feels? That is seems like he doesn't care? That you hate feeling so needy? When he mentions he wants you to be more vulnerable-do you have an example? Would you tell him you are mad at him for leaving you to feel abandoned? That when you let yourself be vulnerable by reaching out to him, that it hurts when he doesn't respond to your e-mails for days?

Sorry if that was a bunch of annoying questions, that by the way, are mostly to think about rather than answer... These are routine discussion issues in my therapy. It really, really helps to talk about this stuff directly. But there's a lot of transference interwoven throughout these topics.

The e-mail issues don't sound like transference. Many people consider e-mailing taxing, and it's not uncommon to ignore them or check them infrequently. Can you talk to him about texting instead? Most people have their phones on them at all times, so texts invite a timely response. And they are short/less taxing...

It sux to feel abandoned and uncared for. No, umm-5 times a year is not over-dependency. And if it was-so what. If you started doing it every day, which I highly doubt, it could be addressed at that time.

My therapist would never leave me in crisis like that. He is always there for me. My former therapist would not answer my texts all of the time; however, I trusted that he would be there for me if I REALLY needed him. He said I was perfectly capable...although he was accepting of the dependency all around. I feel like my current therapist encourages dependency, but he never abandons me (that doesn't mean I never feel abandoned, because I still do at times). But yeah, I have allowed myself to become sooo vulnerable and needy with him. It can be scary.

I don't agree with others here who say that texting or calling a few times is unethical or unprofessional or xy or z. My therapist is both ethical and professional, but sometimes checks or his phone in sessions, and had to text once. Former T did the same. It actually felt good that he was comfortable enough to talk to his wife on the phone in front of me (although it only happened a few times over the years). All idealizing aside, I know I do defend my therapists. But you have to look at the whole package. So back to the original question-are you two doing some good work together?

I'm sorry you are so down and out. It hurts to feel abandoned, insignificant, unimportant...neglected...uncared for.

I don't know if your therapist is using tactics to somehow manipulate you to express yourself more or if he just isn't a good therapist, but I'm afraid I'm leaning pretty strongly to the second explanation because it sounds like he's done several things that cross the line- not responding to you when you sent occasional distressed emails (especially if there was a reason to think you were suicidal) and doing anything with phone or text during your session is a huge no-no for most therapists I think, especially if he didn't even excuse himself. Perhaps he's been good to you in some ways, and you're attached to him, but I can't see any way around the fact that he crossed the line in some ways. I don't think it's acceptable to text during session as a "tactic" to "help" the client.

It sounds like you know you need to express yourself more like several people on here suggest. But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate a somewhat unethical T who is doing some genuinely uncaring things. It might be easier to learn to express yourself with someone who is more supportive.

But you said it would be hard to leave him now and you're probably attached to him. Is it possible to visit other t's without telling him, so that you can start to build some support for yourself elsewhere, and then decide if you want to talk to him about it and/or leave him?

I think you're right that some therapists foster dependency when it's in their best interest- maybe they aren't capable of seeing beyond their own needs sometimes, and find it easier to blame clients.

Petra,

I would have several issues with your therapist. First, not hearing from the guy after sending him 3 emails is a big deal. Whenever I called or sent an email, my T knew something was going on and was very timely in her response. Trust was a huge issue with me and we worked hard to establish it and to keep it. I couldn't open up if I didn't trust her.........being ignored would have destroyed the relationship.

Second, I would be very put-off with his phone etiquette. I don't care who I am with, if they keep looking at their phone while we are talking, I'm done and excuse myself. I can understand if someone is expecting a call, but habitually needing to check the phone is rude. I think being a slave to electronic devices and being available 24/7 has a negative impact on interpersonal relationships.

Okay, showing my age....shutting up now.

Regards,

Sabra