[granite1]

I have T today and I find myself trying to think of how and what I am going to talk about. I struggle so much with all of this . I find myself getting so angry again at my T . she said last week that she knows me very well. If this is true I believe she already knows the things that I need to talk about .I don't understand why she is unwilling to help me do this .to figure things out. what reason does she have to sit and watch me struggle so much with all that is going on in my head . I don't understand it and am to scared to ask her why . I wonder if she is unable to handle huge emotions or hearing such things. I don't know

Just because someone "knows" you, doesn't mean they can read your mind. What she probably means is she gets your thinking about your past, your mother, your abuse, etc. That doesn't mean she knows verbatim what is going on in your head.

I "know" my husband very well. I understand the way he thinks and generally where that comes from. That doesn't mean I know exactly what he is thinking at any moment.

It isn't that she is unwilling to help you do this. In fact, she's been working to help you do this for years. But the bottom line is that it is us who have to ultimately make the discoveries about ourselves and work through whatever our issues are. The whole world out there, including our T's, can "know" what our issues are and tell us what they are and what we should do until they are blue in the face, but until WE understand those things by making those discoveries about ourselves for ourselves, they are just spinning words.

She probably has no problem handling big emotions. She's waiting for you to put them out there, and once you do, she will walk you through them. A T can't pull them out of us until we are ready to let them do so, and some of us are hanging onto and stuffing down those emotions and experiences for dear life.

Also, about what to talk about today. Like I said last week, how about just one sentence. Maybe this week the sentence (or maybe a few sentences) is exactly what you wrote in your original post. You just need a starting point, and expressing your confusion with what you need to do or how to communicate it is right where you need to start today.

[Petra5ed]

My therapist does this too. He never asks questions. I don't feel special at all on the plus side... god forbid I ever feel special to anyone! LOL

[unaluna]

For the same reason that the ice cream store doesnt just hand you a cone when you walk in - they let you choose your own flavor?

[HazelGirl]

You need to bring things up. You can't expect your T to know what you want to talk about, even if she knows you really well. You would be equally annoyed if she demanded you talk about certain things even if you didn't want to because she thought you should. It's your therapy, and it's your responsibility to take charge and bring up what you need to discuss.

[sweepy62]

I will be thinking of you, just say one thing, anything. I have a tough one coming up tomorrow as well, but you can do it, ok. Be my role model today.

[tinyrabbit]

Do you have any idea what would help you? Do you want T to ask questions? Could you write down what you need?

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by hankster

For the same reason that the ice cream store doesnt just hand you a cone when you walk in - they let you choose your own flavor?

And yet sometimes do you ever wish they would? Sometimes do you wish they'd look at your face and be like "Oh Hankster, have I got just the flavor for you! Don't say another word while I scoop it into the exact right waffle cone, the exact right way! You've come to the right place! We here at Ice Cream Dream pride ourselves on knowing just what our customers need!"

I have this lazy fantasy of my T being able to serve up a perfect session by asking just the right questions and providing just the right comments. I know, I know that the work is mine to do and T is just, like, a cultural interpreter or something but wouldn't it be nice if we just paid them to get the job done?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

And yet sometimes do you ever wish they would? Sometimes do you wish they'd look at your face and be like "Oh Hankster, have I got just the flavor for you! Don't say another word while I scoop it into the exact right waffle cone, the exact right way! You've come to the right place! We here at Ice Cream Dream pride ourselves on knowing just what our customers need!"

I have this lazy fantasy of my T being able to serve up a perfect session by asking just the right questions and providing just the right comments. I know, I know that the work is mine to do and T is just, like, a cultural interpreter or something but wouldn't it be nice if we just paid them to get the job done?

yes this would be perfect for today but I know it would never ever happen

[granite1]

I think basically I am feeling a bit self involved and sorry for myself today. I just want someone else to make things better for now . things are not so great here at home right now and I just feel alone and angry

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

And yet sometimes do you ever wish they would? Sometimes do you wish they'd look at your face and be like "Oh Hankster, have I got just the flavor for you! Don't say another word while I scoop it into the exact right waffle cone, the exact right way! You've come to the right place! We here at Ice Cream Dream pride ourselves on knowing just what our customers need!"

I have this lazy fantasy of my T being able to serve up a perfect session by asking just the right questions and providing just the right comments. I know, I know that the work is mine to do and T is just, like, a cultural interpreter or something but wouldn't it be nice if we just paid them to get the job done?

Thats my fantasy lover. I just have to lose weight, right? Gee i wonder why i cant seem to ever lose weight. maybe the beginning and ending hugs with super-t arent such a good idea?!

[HazelGirl]

Well, the reality is that those needs to be truly understood and attended to without having to ask come from infancy (so they say...). It's that time in life where you can only cry and can't express yourself, yet you are attended to perfectly. It's unrealistic to expect that from anyone past the age of like 1 and a half.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Well, the reality is that those needs to be truly understood and attended to without having to ask come from infancy (so they say...). It's that time in life where you can only cry and can't express yourself, yet you are attended to perfectly. It's unrealistic to expect that from anyone past the age of like 1 and a half.

I was just gonna come back and say that!! Hmm, and i associate that with love and ice cream. Dr hazel!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by hankster

I was just gonna come back and say that!! Hmm, and i associate that with love and ice cream. Dr hazel!

Haha, I'm a doctor of Sh*tty Life Lessons.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Well, the reality is that those needs to be truly understood and attended to without having to ask come from infancy (so they say...). It's that time in life where you can only cry and can't express yourself, yet you are attended to perfectly. It's unrealistic to expect that from anyone past the age of like 1 and a half.

I didn't get those needs met as an infant either but it is whatever that is in the past . I know it is unrealistic and selfish and so on to expect that .and I don't really .although it would be nice,

[granite1]

it was not great at all when I got there . I walked in and the silence crap started again .I knew she was not going to say anything .it hurts I don't get it does she hate me .am I disgusting to even think about helping . am I so stinking stupid and self absorbed. that I cant figure this out .that I might even want even a small amount of help ,who the heck do I think I am to want something like that . it isn't appropriate .im horrible . it was so bag I was getting nocuous the longer I was staying in that room. her staring at me with her hot red burning eyes . I had a choice get up and quit AGAIN. I have kind of exhausted the options of other T's do to my quitting and making arrangements to meet another therapist and canceling because I went back to mine. or I could stay and deal with how horrible I feel. I guess I chose the second option.

I told her that I am finding it harder and harder to come back there .that something is horribly going wrong .that I cant talk and I am angry and scared etc... and that it is to the point that I am getting nocuous. she said that is because I am not talking about it . she said that she will never agree that I am a horrible person but that she has changed her thinking and hat if I feel I am doing horrible things that she can help me with this .and the fact that we are not doing this is why I am feeling the way I am .and that if I want her to help me with this stuff that I need to let her know that I want to talk about this and I want her help. she said it would be a good thing for me to be working on. then she asked ( because I said nothing as of yet) so do you want to talk about it and work on this. it took me a bit because I was having little panic attacks. but I did shake my head yes. we talked about a family situation that I had yesterday and the end results was me having a major blow out storming out of the house and driving away until I calmed down. she talked about emotional regulation and how I need to breathe . I don't think things can be cured in one session .I hope she doesn't expect that just because I was willing to listen to this. I was relaxing some . in the end she asked me if I still feel like a horrible person . I said at this moment no but that I hold no promises for an hour from now. she said she would accept that for now. she then leaned forward in her chair and asked if I still feel like puking .I said no .and she said she wanted me to notice that how things can change .and to think about that and remember it and that was all the time that we had to talk this week

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by granite1

it was not great at all when I got there . I walked in and the silence crap started again .I knew she was not going to say anything .it hurts I don't get it does she hate me .am I disgusting to even think about helping . am I so stinking stupid and self absorbed. that I cant figure this out .that I might even want even a small amount of help ,who the heck do I think I am to want something like that . it isn't appropriate .im horrible . it was so bag I was getting nocuous the longer I was staying in that room. her staring at me with her hot red burning eyes . I had a choice get up and quit AGAIN. I have kind of exhausted the options of other T's do to my quitting and making arrangements to meet another therapist and canceling because I went back to mine. or I could stay and deal with how horrible I feel. I guess I chose the second option.

I told her that I am finding it harder and harder to come back there .that something is horribly going wrong .that I cant talk and I am angry and scared etc... and that it is to the point that I am getting nocuous. she said that is because I am not talking about it . she said that she will never agree that I am a horrible person but that she has changed her thinking and hat if I feel I am doing horrible things that she can help me with this .and the fact that we are not doing this is why I am feeling the way I am .and that if I want her to help me with this stuff that I need to let her know that I want to talk about this and I want her help. she said it would be a good thing for me to be working on. then she asked ( because I said nothing as of yet) so do you want to talk about it and work on this. it took me a bit because I was having little panic attacks. but I did shake my head yes. we talked about a family situation that I had yesterday and the end results was me having a major blow out storming out of the house and driving away until I calmed down. she talked about emotional regulation and how I need to breathe . I don't think things can be cured in one session .I hope she doesn't expect that just because I was willing to listen to this. I was relaxing some . in the end she asked me if I still feel like a horrible person . I said at this moment no but that I hold no promises for an hour from now. she said she would accept that for now. she then leaned forward in her chair and asked if I still feel like puking .I said no .and she said she wanted me to notice that how things can change .and to think about that and remember it and that was all the time that we had to talk this week

This sounds like the appointment went well. She will know things don't change over night and she will be patient with you. It sounds like you made a lot of progress. Do you think the appointment went well?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by granite1

I didn't get those needs met as an infant either but it is whatever that is in the past . I know it is unrealistic and selfish and so on to expect that .and I don't really .although it would be nice,

It is unrealistic, yes. But I don't think it's selfish. It's honest and real. I know it's painful, but I don't think you're selfish for feeling like this.

[sweepy62]

I know it can be frustrating sitting there wanting to talk, and no words coming out. Last session I had a mini fit, my t was looking for answers, and I yelled a bit, I said " what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? You fix it!!!!!! And in the sweetest voice, which pissed me off more, she said, its not black or white, im not here to hand you answers, or put bandaids over stuff, we are here to figure it out together as a team.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I know it can be frustrating sitting there wanting to talk, and no words coming out. Last session I had a mini fit, my t was looking for answers, and I yelled a bit, I said " what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? You fix it!!!!!! And in the sweetest voice, which pissed me off more, she said, its not black or white, im not here to hand you answers, or put bandaids over stuff, we are here to figure it out together as a team.

My T has the same answer whenever I tell her to "fix me already".

"You know it doesn't work that way. And you are not broken." God love her!!

[granite1]

ok I am officially in panic mode here .again I googled emotional regulation and I know some of you are all about this but everything I read about it is connected to DBT and is so cold and unforgiving and it seems it is meant for the T to abandon you and have nothing to do with you when you are upset . could this be why I can e-mail. is this what she wants to do with me just find a T that allows her to completely abandon me if I get upset .I am so sorry that I told her about my tantrum . how can any T like that be good if I am scared shitless to tell her anything .

Stop googling. Think about your T, not the internet.

Your T was talking about things you can do to help yourself when you are feeling anxious. She was talking about breathing, etc. Email wasn't part of that conversation. Abandoning wasn't part of that conversation. She is going to work with you on skills to help yourself when your are feeling overwhelmed. That's a good thing.

Your T is listening to you and working with you so that you can comfortably communicate what you need. Doesn't sound like abandonment, does it?

Get off the google. You're just stressing yourself out with "what ifs".

[granite1]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Stop googling. Think about your T, not the internet.

Your T was talking about things you can do to help yourself when you are feeling anxious. She was talking about breathing, etc. Email wasn't part of that conversation. Abandoning wasn't part of that conversation. She is going to work with you on skills to help yourself when your are feeling overwhelmed. That's a good thing.

Your T is listening to you and working with you so that you can comfortably communicate what you need. Doesn't sound like abandonment, does it?

Get off the google. You're just stressing yourself out with "what ifs".

ok I will because it is horrible. she already isn't there when I am upset if I agree to this there will be even less . when I don't get it to begin with how can she expect me to deal. im scared to crap

How often do you contact her when you are upset outside of session? Seems like you rarely do, but you have spoken to her by phone a few times and she was helpful if I remember right. And she definitely seems to be there for you during session.

What do you think you are "agreeing" to? You didn't mention her putting you on a contract or plan or anything that you had to "agree" to. Slow down Granite. You are causing yourself to spiral about something that I don't think even happened or is even a plan. Unless I'm missing something, you are creating this scenario in your head based off of something you scared yourself with on the internet. Slow down. Back up.