[SoupDragon]

l have just been thinking about this in response to my own circumstances this week and wondered if anyone has a contract /or rules agreed with themselves regarding therapy?

One of mine is banning "I quit" emails

[Aloneandafraid]

I am going to try to ban myself from texting between sessions.

In the past for me I had the following...

1. Therapy is about me.... No matter what happens with T ...it is really my reaction to T...still about me ...and i was not going to deflect stuff by trying to turn it into a T thing (this did not preclude me from saying this T can not help me...time to find another..it actually helped me)

2. Whenever I felt something odd going on between me and T...I wanted to discuss it and not mindread...

3. No quitting unless in person with ending sessions....once you figure the T and you are good fit...

This is what I strive for...but I'm not perfect..

Soup, have you ever been able to really talk about the feelings behind the "I'm quitting"...my xT and I (who I used to do the same thing to) neever could discuss it outright....

[AllyIsHopeful]

I decided to eliminate contact in between sessions, unless I'm experiencing major crisis or something devastating happens. I also occasionally send texts regarding appointments. So I guess I made a contract with myself by making this decision. Initially I was too hard on myself and said *absolutely no contact, no matter what!* but realized how unfair and unreasonable that was. I wanted to get to a place where T knows something is terribly wrong if she gets a call/text messages from me.

[someone321]

And I am totally opposite - first I wanted to ban myself from sending e-mails... And when I actually managed to achieve this aim, my T made something like:
Lately I changed the approach and in my "contract" I put: not feeling guilty if I send the e-mail - nicer point than banning
But in my contract are also:
- being as honest as possible - so if I don't want to say something instead of changing the topic or being quiet I say that I don't want to say it and I either give a reason why not or add that I even don't want to say why not...
- being open minded - I know that all my methods didn't work and that's why I'm in therapy, so even if I am not the biggest fan of T's suggestions, I ask myself: why not try? Do I have any good alternative? In the worst case it won't work neither but maybe it will work...
- respect my T but also respect myself (there is still a lot of space for improvement regarding this point, but I'm getting there) - do not force myself to do something only to please my T if I feel that I cannot do it...

And I guess many more points are in my virtual contract with myself...

[musinglizzy]

I'm simply amazed by the texting.....although I don't have T's number aside from business number, which is usually answered by a machine (private practice, and she has no secretary, works for herself). I all I can do is leave a message on the machine (I've never called the number), or Email her. I have Emailed, but mostly about scheduling. Other Emails consisted of information Emails prior to even seeing her for the first time. I didn't want to waste time dwelling on "the past" too much....and figured I'd share that with her in an Email, so she was up to speed, but also because I really had hoped to concentrate on the current issue at hand. There was much to say. And I do find her "going back there" anyway. But I trust that she knows what's important to work through, and in what order. I have faith in her. We've barely begun to scratch the surface. We're still in the "getting to know you" stage.

I will admit, knowing that this summer may have its difficult moments, I wish I had the means of reaching her aside from Email or business phone. I feel she will prove helpful in the long run, but there may be times where I'm feeling in crisis at a given moment, and would love to be able to talk "in the heat of the moment." I forget so much when I'm in there. 50 minutes a week. I try hard to concentrate on her questions, and talk about what's relevant. But my mind sometimes just goes blank. Or I'll talk about something, then completely lose thought as to where I was going with that. I think it's nerves yet. ~Liz

The only "rule" I made for myself was many years before that I would go through this process, no matter how painful and difficult it was, because I was determined to get through to the other side. Implicit in that commitment was a vow to attend, to speak, to work, to make healthy choices, even when I wanted to run, to hide, to stay silent, and do all those unhealthy "coping" behaviors that I found so much easier.

I decided to stop second-guessing my T. If I think he is being dismissive, rejecting, or contemptuous, it is most likely because he expressed himself badly or because I am listening through my internal distortion filter of self-loathing. Over the last two years he has never been anything other than accepting and non-judgmental, so I have no evidence that he would ever actually reject me. So I need to ask what he means, rather than guess - which is hard, because it's not exactly the kind of thing you ever ask other people, or at least I don't. My therapy has been going rather more smoothly since I implemented this "contract".

Not second guessing T also involves not talking to other people about my therapy other than in fairly general terms, not always asking others for advice about what to say, etc. I try to allow the therapy to happen in the therapy room. I know that other people have different needs, and in the past before I trusted that I could say everything to T I was helped by suggestions from other people, but at this point, specific advice about how to talk to T is not what I, personally, need.

[stopdog]

I don't find such things work for me.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't find such things work for me.

But SD, you probably have more "rules" about therapy that most of us do. You know exactly what your rules are about what you will say and do and what you want your therapist to say and do. You've probably never sat down and resolved to do so, but you definitely have a "contract" about how you will and will not do things. . . . and apparently it does work for you.

[stopdog]

I don't see that my framework or set of rules is the same as the idea of a contract. Plus, it seems to me the idea of the contract for people when used in this sense, is that it keeps one doing something one might otherwise not do (or not doing what one otherwise would do) - that is not the purpose of my framework or rules. And mine work for me, in part, because I always know I can change a rule if I find it more expedient and useful to do so. I, of course, realize Ks can be broken and interpreted in different ways etc, I just find the notion of such in conjunction with therapy to not work for me.

[HazelGirl]

I have many, but some are counter-productive. And I break a lot of them all the time.

1. Don't send more than 1-2 texts a day, unless something major comes up
2. Be as honest as you can, even if you're scared
3. If you can't say it in person, send a text, but make absolutely sure you can't say it in person first
4. If you're angry at T for whatever reason, tell her...likewise, if you think she hates you or is angry at you or is frustrated, etc., ask about it
5. Be upfront about money issues and time constraints
6. Always ask for clarification if you're not sure
7. Don't hide things you know your T would like to know
8. Believe the best about her and her intentions, even if you're doubting them
9. Don't quit because you and your T are a great match, and this may be your best shot at healing for a long time
10. Don't push boundaries or feel offended when they come up...they're for your protection and your T's sanity

I was going on the OP's initial reference not just to contracts, but to rules. You definitely have a lot of them. I'm glad you see them as flexible to you though. That's a very good view of "rules"; they do need to have some bend in them because things happen to alter rules from time to time. Good to hear.

[stopdog]

I don't really see myself as having a lot of them, but I shall ponder. I do have a framework certainly, but not a specific list like others seem to be giving here. Sort of basically as a big idea- I believe in not getting trapped by a therapist or allowing one of them to impose their will upon me. I believe in figuring out how to make one of them useful to one's self. That sort of thing.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

have you ever been able to really talk about the feelings behind the "I'm quitting"...my xT and I (who I used to do the same thing to) neever could discuss it outright....

My T and I have talked about this. Sometimes I mean: "I think you don't want me to come back," or "I'm afraid to come back." Sometimes it's kind of like a repeat of when I told my parents I felt SU and I need to know it matters if I come back or not.

My rules are:

- I don't cancel my appointments. I would cancel if I was really unwell or otherwise physically unable to go, but that has never happened.

- I don't reschedule my appointments unless I absolutely have to. I see therapy as something that has to happen at a set time, not as something I can potentially move.

- I don't quit. I threaten to quit, I tell myself I'm quitting, but I don't actually quit. If I do ever quit suddenly, ie not because therapy has come to a natural end, I've asked my husband to remind me that I shouldn't.

- If I think my T has said something cruel or unkind, I check it out with him because I've probably misheard or misunderstood.

[ThisWayOut]

They are not so much contacts with myself, but ever - evolving ideas around what works and doesn't work for me.
-I don't cancel or "no - show" unless I am physically unable to be there. Except that one time recently when I forgot that we switched time slots and I missed the appointment.
-i will stand up for myself in certain situations, even if t or doc is very insistent about a certain intervention (I will no longer subject myself to dbt).
- I will always at least make an effort to speak to t before acting on any suicidal urges or thinking.
- I will work on communicating my needs

But that's about it at the moment.

[brillskep]

I don't really have one, but I've heard of them. The idea was that, instead of a client having a contract with the therapist about not engaging in (self) destructive behavior, thus focusing on transference, the client would have a contract with him/herself, which the therapist could witness. That idea came from the Gouldings, if memory serves me right.

Originally Posted by brillskep

I don't really have one, but I've heard of them. The idea was that, instead of a client having a contract with the therapist about not engaging in (self) destructive behavior, thus focusing on transference, the client would have a contract with him/herself, which the therapist could witness. That idea came from the Gouldings, if memory serves me right.

Hmm. Well, I do not have a contract in that sense - what I mentioned in my post is an agreement with myself, which I'll hold myself to even when I don't feel like it. But it is not something I have discussed with T.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Rules for myself:

No scarring T
Respect T's boundaries and privacy
Remember that she's on my side
Limit the clinginess
Show up on time (inform her if I'll even be a little late)
Give as much warning as possible if I have to cancel
Show up even if I don't want to
Be honest
Be as open as I can
Try not to side-track
Accept her strengths and weaknesses
If T and Pdoc team up: give up and listen to them
Limit out-of-session contact
"Call the crisis line even if I just need someone to talk to" (I have been told this probably 10 times now...lol)
Prioritize my coping skills (don't just do the easiest ones)
Try to live my own life outside of therapy
ETC.

For my T:
Must hug
Must be herself
Must be honest
Must communicate
Must be clear
Must be consistent
Must balance support and challenging me
Must be able to laugh especially when appropriate
Must avoid "mothering" me
(My T does all of these things)

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Soup, have you ever been able to really talk about the feelings behind the "I'm quitting"...my xT and I (who I used to do the same thing to) neever could discuss it outright....

This was the first time we had (I had) been able to talk about it. I highlighted that it was in response to overwhelming feelings and that at the time it absolutely felt like the most definite thing I wanted to do.

However a few days later when the feelings were calmer, I realised that I did not want to quit.

So hopefully for me, by not allowing myself to email between sessions, it will mean that I will always have to see T face to face to discuss quitting.

[tealBumblebee]

I have a rule to no longer contact her on Friday + Weekend time because that is her family time. I also have a rule that if i'm going to cancel, it has to be by Thursday because she doesn't charge me if it's like Saturday, but it makes me feel like i'm taking away business from her.

I had rules not to talk about self harm/sui with her anymore but um...that rule got broken pretty much the very next session after the rule was made.

Add: I also made a rule to stop being a coward and "writing" things to her (including in session) and to address them vocally. This has probably been the most beneficial rule I made for myself.

I want to stop being a passive aggressive child with him. I want to stop acting out and playing manipulative mind games. I want to stop texting him in between sessions, and I want to stop freaking out if for some reason I have to ever skip an appointment. This poor man... The **** I make him go through makes me weep.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

I do not contact him between sessions in any way, shape or form unless it would be to reschedule which hasn't happened yet.

I must be honest.