[rainbow8]

I emailed my T about not being in love with her but wanting to be, about 2 weeks ago. Now it's time for my session again. I'm getting scared to discuss my email. If I don't say anything about it, she won't.

I think those thoughts and feelings are pathetic! What good is telling her? She'll just tell me I have choices if my H isn't meeting my needs. I don't want to hear that again! Sometimes I think I will go crazy without "being in love" and without the excitement that goes with that. Other times I think it's so pathetic to still want that at my age.

[Wren_]

What makes it pathetic?

If it was someone else ... saying they wanted to be in love and to have those feelings of being in love ... would you think they were pathetic?

Is there any way you could fall in love again with your husband? (not talking about other choices but to actually have him as the one you fall in love with)

Is there some way you can have the more mature love you are experiencing now but also retain or hold some of the in love feelings? with your T and with your husband

It doesn't seem so pathetic to me

[stopdog]

Have you looked into the concept of limerence? You might want to google it.
For example:
'Limerence' makes the heart grow far too fonder - USATODAY.com

[HazelGirl]

What you're talking about is infatuation, and although fun, it never lasts in any relationship. No one makes it stay forever. Romantic gestures give you pieces of it, though. Maybe you and your husband could benefit from marriage counseling to try to figure out how to reignite that spark?

Being in love is not the same as true love. No one stays "in love" forever. They either drift apart when that "high" goes away, or they develop more mature, true love for each other which isn't about the "high" of being in love. Maybe this is a sign that you are finally maturing Rainbow. That's not a bad thing.

[boredporcupine]

It almost seems like the infatuation died when you started feeling like she was meeting your needs for touch, etc. It seems normal that the longing and obsession would decrease when the other person is responsive and available. But it's as though part of you almost prefers chasing something just out of reach.

[GenCat]

Wanting love is never pathetic, no matter ones age. At least you know what you want, most people don't even know if they want love or just sex these days.

[Rive.]

It’s not pathetic because it is your truth. It is where you are at, at the present moment.

Getting it out there (as you did via email & as you might do if you raise it in session) will enable her to meet you where you are at. That is where the therapeutic work proceeds. So, don’t feel bad about it.

[Perna]

Interesting article: Falling In Love Affects Brain Much Like Addiction, Scientists Say

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed my T about not being in love with her but wanting to be, about 2 weeks ago. Now it's time for my session again. I'm getting scared to discuss my email. If I don't say anything about it, she won't.

I think those thoughts and feelings are pathetic! What good is telling her? She'll just tell me I have choices if my H isn't meeting my needs. I don't want to hear that again! Sometimes I think I will go crazy without "being in love" and without the excitement that goes with that. Other times I think it's so pathetic to still want that at my age.

None of this sounds pathetic at all! To me it sounds like you could end up learning a lot from a discussion about this.

We say it because we want it understood.
When we say anything in therapy, it creates space for it to become something else.

[CantExplain]

Doesn't everyone want to love and be loved?

[Wren_]

Hope it went well today rainbow

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

What makes it pathetic?

If it was someone else ... saying they wanted to be in love and to have those feelings of being in love ... would you think they were pathetic?

Is there any way you could fall in love again with your husband? (not talking about other choices but to actually have him as the one you fall in love with)

Is there some way you can have the more mature love you are experiencing now but also retain or hold some of the in love feelings? with your T and with your husband

It doesn't seem so pathetic to me

Thanks, tigergirl. Good questions! I have to try.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Have you looked into the concept of limerence? You might want to google it.
For example:
'Limerence' makes the heart grow far too fonder - USATODAY.com

Thanks, stopdog. Yes, I've read about limerence. It sounds like infatuation, like HazelGirl suggests. They both are relevant to me.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

What you're talking about is infatuation, and although fun, it never lasts in any relationship. No one makes it stay forever. Romantic gestures give you pieces of it, though. Maybe you and your husband could benefit from marriage counseling to try to figure out how to reignite that spark?

My H won't go to counseling. We tried it with my T for a few sessions a couple of years ago.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Being in love is not the same as true love. No one stays "in love" forever. They either drift apart when that "high" goes away, or they develop more mature, true love for each other which isn't about the "high" of being in love. Maybe this is a sign that you are finally maturing Rainbow. That's not a bad thing.

I'm not sure now what I'm missing, the love, sex, or intimacy--probably a combination. If I had some of it, I wouldn't need the high. I hope I wouldn't.

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

It almost seems like the infatuation died when you started feeling like she was meeting your needs for touch, etc. It seems normal that the longing and obsession would decrease when the other person is responsive and available. But it's as though part of you almost prefers chasing something just out of reach.

bp, that is VERY insightful! This is embarrassing but today I felt it again probably because the session was intense and I talked about sex.

Originally Posted by GenCat

Wanting love is never pathetic, no matter ones age. At least you know what you want, most people don't even know if they want love or just sex these days.

Thanks. I'm not sure, though. Not exactly.

Originally Posted by Rive.

It’s not pathetic because it is your truth. It is where you are at, at the present moment.

Getting it out there (as you did via email & as you might do if you raise it in session) will enable her to meet you where you are at. That is where the therapeutic work proceeds. So, don’t feel bad about it.

Wise words. Thank you. T told me today that I do have someone to be in love with--my H. I wish that could happen.

Originally Posted by JaneC

None of this sounds pathetic at all! To me it sounds like you could end up learning a lot from a discussion about this.

I say "pathetic" because I've been "in love" with Ts for years. It's got to stop!

Originally Posted by _Mouse

We say it because we want it understood.
When we say anything in therapy, it creates space for it to become something else.

Profound, Mouse! Thanks.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Doesn't everyone want to love and be loved?

Yes, being IN love is different, at least to me.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Hope it went well today rainbow

It was intense! I talked about sex and got embarrassed/ashamed. My face was red. Yuck! Of course T didn't let me talk about feelings for her but about how my H and I can have a better relationship. She gave me some suggestions.

She said I don't have to ask every session if she will still hold my hand. She said she won't ever take it away again. My stomach hurt and she asked me to put my hand where it hurt. I'm too much in my head, she tells me. It's hard. She asks what I feel but doesn't want thoughts, just sensations in my body.

I felt a lot of shame, which is easy to identify by my blushing. SE is difficult. I had to tell her about my face feeling hot.

I'm glad I talked about this today in spite of my shame about it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks, tigergirl. Good questions! I have to try.

Thanks, stopdog. Yes, I've read about limerence. It sounds like infatuation, like HazelGirl suggests. They both are relevant to me.

My H won't go to counseling. We tried it with my T for a few sessions a couple of years ago.

I'm not sure now what I'm missing, the love, sex, or intimacy--probably a combination. If I had some of it, I wouldn't need the high. I hope I wouldn't.

bp, that is VERY insightful! This is embarrassing but today I felt it again probably because the session was intense and I talked about sex.

Thanks. I'm not sure, though. Not exactly.

Wise words. Thank you. T told me today that I do have someone to be in love with--my H. I wish that could happen.
I say "pathetic" because I've been "in love" with Ts for years. It's got to stop!

Profound, Mouse! Thanks.

Yes, being IN love is different, at least to me.


It was intense! I talked about sex and got embarrassed/ashamed. My face was red. Yuck! Of course T didn't let me talk about feelings for her but about how my H and I can have a better relationship. She gave me some suggestions.

She said I don't have to ask every session if she will still hold my hand. She said she won't ever take it away again. My stomach hurt and she asked me to put my hand where it hurt. I'm too much in my head, she tells me. It's hard. She asks what I feel but doesn't want thoughts, just sensations in my body.

I felt a lot of shame, which is easy to identify by my blushing. SE is difficult. I had to tell her about my face feeling hot.

I'm glad I talked about this today in spite of my shame about it.

Thank you, tigergirl and aloneandafraid. I needed to know someone read my update. I feel okay today but upset with myself that I sort of felt attracted to T yesterday. I liked what she was wearing. I didn't tell her that. So I realize those feelings are not going to disappear so easily. I have to just accept them and try to make my marriage better so I can stop putting my T in that role.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Rainbow. I am just back from seeing my T. I feel exactly as you describe above and I feel so ashamed. I just need to be held by her. What is wrong with me? I'm 46 years old (she is in her 60's). But I just crave her touch (she has never touched me). I managed to tell her today that I was afraid I was going to see her more for just seeing her rather than sorting through my bulimia/marital problems. She was actually really kind and understanding. Said it was okay. She seemed to already know how I felt. Oh god this is so painful. I feel sick.

Thanks Rainbow for this thread. Keep going dear friend. You're doing so very well. Xxx

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Hi Rainbow. I am just back from seeing my T. I feel exactly as you describe above and I feel so ashamed. I just need to be held by her. What is wrong with me? I'm 46 years old (she is in her 60's). But I just crave her touch (she has never touched me). I managed to tell her today that I was afraid I was going to see her more for just seeing her rather than sorting through my bulimia/marital problems. She was actually really kind and understanding. Said it was okay. She seemed to already know how I felt. Oh god this is so painful. I feel sick.

Thanks Rainbow for this thread. Keep going dear friend. You're doing so very well. Xxx

Thank you for responding. I wish you and I didn't feel ashamed of our needs. I'm glad you could tell your T what you did! That's progress. I'm especially glad that she was nice about it! I also feel that I have stayed in therapy so many years because I want to see and be with the T. But that's an issue to work on. Also, as you work on your other issues, your relationship with your T gets worked on too.

Can you talk about wanting touch in general, and then go to what you wish she would do? Even if she won't touch you,talking about that need could be productive. I hope that can tell her now that you told her a little.

There is nothing wrong with you! I don't think you and are alone in craving our T's touch. In fact, I know we're not! We are just desperate to get something we missed earlier
in life. I assume that's the reason though I could be wrong.

I think you will feel a lot better when you tell your T what you want. Is it painful because now she knows how much you need her? She was nice, and understanding. She didn't judge you negatively. Please hold onto that thought if you can.

[Rive.]

Would couples counselling be an option Rainbow? We all need to feel loved and it is hard to go through life when we feel this 'hole' inside our hearts and our lives. It is also hard to acknowledge that Ts can't really fill this need/hole.

I think it would make a world of difference for you to have a partner in the truest sense of the term and someone who could love & cherish you in your day to day life. If hubby would be able to fill this role, maybe something to consider?

[growlycat]

Did I read in another thread that your therapy is ending? Did you mean vacation time? Hope all is ok. BTW touch in therapy is a hot topic for me too.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Would couples counselling be an option Rainbow? We all need to feel loved and it is hard to go through life when we feel this 'hole' inside our hearts and our lives. It is also hard to acknowledge that Ts can't really fill this need/hole.

I think it would make a world of difference for you to have a partner in the truest sense of the term and someone who could love & cherish you in your day to day life. If hubby would be able to fill this role, maybe something to consider?

No, I just asked my H again about counseling. We saw my T a few times several years ago. My T gave me some good suggestions at my session this week, and my H was agreeable. He can't change his personality; he loves me but doesn't show it. So I have to help him.

Originally Posted by growlycat

Did I read in another thread that your therapy is ending? Did you mean vacation time? Hope all is ok. BTW touch in therapy is a hot topic for me too.

In winter I thought I would have to quit around March, but my T is giving me a reduced rate. I had to cut sessions down to twice a month instead of weekly, but at least I don't have to quit!

T now wants me to "take in" the good feelings that holding her hand gives me. It's part of my therapy. I sure NEVER expected that! I wish all Ts allowed touch.