Called a new T today, feeling like I'm cheating on current T

So it has been over a month since I had a session that ended badly - (short synopsis: I had accessed a lot of childhood pain during session, T ended the session while I was still in a bad place, I was unable to shift into a better place on my own, I made a suicidal gesture that resulted in me being handcuffed by the police).

Since then, T and I have talked many times about what happened. He says that I wasn't communicating with him in that session so he didn't know what was going on with me and he wonders if I need more support in between sessions than he is willing to provide. I have lost some trust in him and have lost some feeling of safety in opening up to difficult feelings with him. We are both trying to get past this, but it has been difficult.

I am very confused about whether or not it is in my best interest to move on to another T. I love my current T and want to stay with him, but he is very clear about his boundaries (no hugs, very limited contact in between sessions and never any immediate call backs). He has encouraged me to think carefully about my needs and if they might be better met with another T.

Today I called another T who current T had referred me to while on vacation. I had called her once when current at was away and she responded immediately and encouraged me to call her back to check in later that day. This made me feel very supported and cared about in a way that I have not felt in between sessions with current T. I called her again today to explore the possibility of starting therapy with her. Left a message and am waiting to hear back.

I feel a little but like I am "cheating" on current T. I don't want him to know that I called her, especially since they know each other. Part of me feels that I should stick it out with current T but another part of me wonders if I really do have needs that another T might be better able or more willing to meet. I wonder if I am trying too hard to make it work with current T because I am afraid of the pain of breaking my attachment and the difficulty of starting over with someone new. And part of me just wants to cut and run and quit therapy altogether.

Maybe you won't feel as bad if you tell current T?

You gotta have a good match. If this other T is a better match for you, then it's in your best interest to look deeper into that. I couldn't see a T I couldn't hug after a bad session. Actually, she hugs me after every session. I also would have a hard time if there was to be NO communication between sessions. My T welcomes, and claims to love, Emails. I just saw her yesterday for the last time for two weeks (vacation). When she gets back I'll be seeing her twice a week. She made sure to let me know I am welcome to Email her anytime I need within that two week span. It is reassuring, and touching, but knowing the day she leaves and comes back, I don't intend to bother her during that time. She knows the timing isn't great, I'm in a rough spot right now, but she deserves this well-earned time off....perhaps more than anyone.

Really, this is a business deal. It doesn't feel that way, but if you think of it as such, and think about what's best for YOU, it will make it easier.

wow...I too have been handcuffed and know how violating that feels. it was by a pdoc I had just met though, not somebody I trusted. it must be worse for you. I also know what it is like to feel like you are cheating on t. my t wasn't doing anything to address my anxiety so I sought help from others. I finally had to leave him because I realized he was not in my best interest. we had been together 3 years. he made me feel safe and secure but he never called me back either and he wasn't meeting my needs. now I have a terrific t and I was floored when I left a message at midnight when she was on vacation and I got a text from her 2 hours later asking me if I wanted her to call me. she was in another time zone and had picked up messages. I felt so special and cared about. I have no doubts she would return me messages right away though we never talked about it. she meets my needs better than old t ever did in all the time we spent together. I am so glad I got brave enough to switch. you can always go back if it isn't working out. take care.

You're not cheating. This is a professional relationship, and your T made that very clear by not being as supportive as you need right now.

See the new T, see how it goes, and make a decision that you think is best for you.

I left my current T after a year. He was inconsistent in responding to emails, and there was way too many transference-issues going on. We were a very strange fit. I started seeing a female T, and was able to open up much better, without all the strong emotions based on who previous T reminded me of. Was considering riding it out, but after a year of anguish, I decided to do what was best for me.

I have felt this way, too.

It feels like cheating but it isn't at all!

Especially because just as your T has a right to not talk to you in between sessions and to withhold contact, you have a right to talk to whichever therapist you like!

From the background you gave, it sounds like your T would be proud of you for seeking new help!

YIKES!

I just talked with the other T and she said that she was going to let current T know that I had called. I did NOT anticipate that! I said that I would prefer to be the one to tell my current T that I had called asking about an appointment, but she said that she didn't want to be a "secret holder".

So now I'm feeling scared and betrayed. I called her as an information-gathering call so that I could better make a decision. And now she is going to tell my T that I'm thinking about leaving him.

This makes me so mad because it would never happen if they didn't know each other. I feel betrayed. NOT a good way to start a new relationship with a new T.

Oh that SUCKS! She doesn't have the legal right to do that unless you have signed a release.

I didn't even think about that.

Call her back and insist on your confidentiality rights!

I don't know what country you are in, but you might want to check the laws in your jurisdiction. Usually, without consent, it is not done.
I never told the consulting therapists the name of the one I was seeing nor vice versa. In the future, you might consider that as an option. Also, the therapist you are already seeing should not, in my opinion, care if you are considering better options for yourself.

How could she even think about something like that?! I hope that My kids are cool is right and it is even illegal... I did it to my exT, when I started having problems with him, I contacted another T and met with her but told that I just needed a consultation because I was not sure if I had a reason to leave my T or if my expectations were just too high... And she is my current great T right now... But she would never think about letting know my previous T about it! She suggested, however, that she could help me to prepare to letting knoe exT that I wanted to leave him if I was anxious about it... This "new" T is terrible in my opinion...

I think I may have given permission.

She first said she was going to tell him I had called asking about an appointment and I said I wasn't comfortable with that and that I would rather tell him myself. Then she said she thought it was in my best interest to have communication between therapists for "transparency and clear boundaries". I was having trouble staying focused and I think I said "okay". I'm just realizing now that I could have said "no, I don't give permission." I feel tricked.

Can you call her back and tell that you've changed your mind? Maybe she still hasn't contacted your T...

I just called back but got her voicemail. I said that I really would prefer that she doesn't call my T and so if she hasn't already done so, that I do not give my permission for her to tell him.

But I suspect/expect that she has already called him.

I feel like I screwed this all up.

No, you have to give WRITTEN permission. You have to sign a release of confidentiality form. You did not do that, so she is acting unethically and illegally.

You didn't screw anything up. I can't believe therapists would collaborate like that.

You didn't screw anything up at all. Looking for the right therapist fit is a good thing, and is taking care of yourself.

That therapist calling your therapist when you hadn't given permission, that's not okay. Ugh.

I, too, think this is morally WRONG......

However....I don't believe privacy rights are involved unless the OP was her patient. A friend of mine is an RN, and has said that medically. legally, she "could" talk abut anyone she wants, as long as they aren't her patient.

I still think this is a huge red flag....she's awful for doing that.

I don't know for sure, but this doesn't make sense to me (although laws don't always make sense...)

Thanks for the responses everyone. I've calmed down about this some and realized that I have done all I can do at this point. She has not called me back so either she has already called him, or she hasn't but is still going to despite my wishes, or she hasn't and is going to respect my wishes. I suspect that the other T has some loyalty to my T - perhaps he has been a mentor to her? But I can't imagine starting a therapeutic relationship with her now. So, cross that one off my list.

I totally understand why you want to do that. Can you maybe start searching online for a new one?

What I mean is, if Chartres was her patient, then that T cannot disclose anything to anyone without consent, even that she's going there. But, since Chartres is NOT this T's patient, unfortunately, this (morally wrong) T can legally tell the T that Chartres contacted her. I would run from this one. There is NO reason she should have to tell the other T. You were just asking for info, not asking for an appt!! Run and don't look back...