[Jordy]

T knows that I struggle with my eating patterns, I don't have a specific eating disorder as I'm all over the place. I can binge one day, not eat the next one, last year I started purging occasionnally. One the whole it's not too bad, even though I tend to overeat and am overweight.

But over the last few weeks this has changed, I can't stand my weight anymore, so I started doing weigh ins almost every day. I restrict what I eat quite a lot, and I know it's unhealthy. Today I ate more, and I felt so guilty I had to make myself throw up...

I know I should tell T about this before it gets out of hand, but this is the frst time in years I've started losing weight. So part of me doesn't want to tell me until I'm no longer overweight... It's so difficult that what i want is not what would be right to do. Especially as I've signed a contract with T that I would actively work on any self-harming behaviours... and now I'm creating new ones, and on top of this I kinda like it! I'm betraying T, but being honest won't help me lose weight...

[HazelGirl]

It's not healthy and harms all your organs. It can lead to death. Is that worth it? And if the answer is yes, maybe you're trying to die rather than trying to lose weight.

Your weight doesn't define you, and it doesn't define your worth. You're more than a number on a scale or a dress size.

[junkDNA]

trust me u dont want to go down this path. tell ur T asap. i understand wanting to wait til u lose weight but by then this pattern will be entrenched in u. and it will be much harder to overcome. believe me i know the feelings of wanting to get back to a normal weight but there are healthier and longer lasting ways of doing this. im not gonna get into what it does to ur body and metabolism. but please tell ur T.

[Jordy]

To me it's worth it, not because I want to die... but because I want to ride my horse again! He's old and can't carry my weight anymore, but if I lose enough I could ride him again for short times... I know this can't be rational, but it's how I feel...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Jordy

To me it's worth it, not because I want to die... but because I want to ride my horse again! He's old and can't carry my weight anymore, but if I lose enough I could ride him again for short times... I know this can't be rational, but it's how I feel...

I understand. But doing it the healthy way is so much better. Getting a nutrition plan, exercising, and eating plenty of vegetables and very little carbohydrates is so, so, so much better for you.

[HazelGirl]

Oh, and an eating disorder will make you exhausted, apathetic, and unable to ride your horse because of weakness. It only creates more problems. It doesn't solve the problem you have.

[Purpledaze]

It's good to have a goal, like you do, to help motivate oneself when it comes to losing weight. If you tell your T, maybe she can help you work out a healthy eating plan where you can eat well and still lose weight. Also she could be supportive of your mission to lose weight and talk with you about how to get through the difficult moments.

[Jordy]

I guess I really have to tell T, as for now I can't see the problem with doing things my way as long as I don't get underweight. It's not like my body is missing an energy source, I have more than enough... I take vitamin supplements so I have everything I need. Part of me feels like I could not eat for a month and still be fine... My rational side knows this is so wrong, but my emotional side can't take this body anymore.

[Victoria'smom]

Years of restricting/purging has slowed my metabolism to a halt because of this I can't l stay at xxx. no matter what. I beg you to tell her at least she will be able to tell if it gets out of hand and you get to afraid to say anything. Please do this before it gets out of control. I've had disagreements with my therapist about whether vitamin count as food intake, It doesn't. There's not enough vitamins to cover the food groups. It is missing calories which is where energy comes from.

You could bring it up by asking your therapist to refer you to a dietitian that specialises in eating disorder.

[Jordy]

I will try to mention this when I next see her, but can't garantee anything as we've got so much to discuss... and it won't be until july 2nd anyway...

[HazelGirl]

Yes, it messes up your metabolism, making it impossible to lose weight. It's not a good thing.

[SummerTime12]

I know you say you'll tell her once you're done losing weight, but honestly if you continue the eating patterns you have now (especially if you don't tell your t) you'll never be done. Eating disorders are addictive and the longer the behaviors have been happening, the harder it is to stop them. I dont know about you, but I used to tell myself that I would only restrict til I reached a certain weight. Then when I reached that weight I would make a new goal... so it's never a safe way to lose weight. As someone recovering from an eating disorder I beg you to please tell your t so she can help you figure things out!

[ScarletPimpernel]

People who starve themselves actually have a higher % body fat than most over-weight people. And you're actually weakening your body and mind.

Your body needs protein for energy.
Your brain needs carbohydrates to function.
Your body needs fat to stay hydrated

Protein = eat lean meats = poultry, fish, even some lean cuts of beef
Carbohydrates = eat foods high in fiber = couscous, brown rice, whole wheat, vegetables
Fats = eat plant fats = nuts, avocado

Exercise = whatever you can do. Walk for 15mins. Then slowly increase time/pace. Swim. Clean house.

I have diabetes, cholesterol, and am over-weight. I've lost 40lbs so far and have reduced my A1C levels from 9.2 down to 5.8 in just 6 months. I still cheat every once in awhile. I still have times when I binge. I also sometimes get lazy and don't walk. But I don't quit. I just pick back up where I left off. You can do it. Naturally and slowly is the best way to get healthy and maintain staying healthy. And you'll get extra energy doing it the "right" way. Just make little changes. Instead of orange juice, have an orange. Instead of fried, have baked. Instead of hamburger have turkey burger.

[Jordy]

I'm really confused right now... I feel like all of you are making this into a bigger deal than it is. For now I'm still eating, much less than I used to, I try to eat more healthily, but I don't think it's too restrictive... and on the other hand part of me wishes I had an eating disorder so I losing weight would be easier. I know this absolutely messed up, but I can't help it...

Seems like every time I work on one issue, I come up with something else to self-destruct. Like I have to harm myself in some way, as I don't deserve anything else and living an healthy and happy life is just not an option for me and never will.

[catastrophic]

Hugs Jordy xox ... I understand what you are trying to do. I'm not going to tell you what the others said (they give really good advice tho) but please tell your T xox

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[Jordy]

I will tell my T. I don't want to, but I know it's the right thing to do...

[catastrophic]

Good choice Hun. Xox

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[HazelGirl]

Jordy, it's a big deal because we care about you and want to make sure you aren't hurting yourself.

[Ambra]

Hi, I read your message and I could have written it myself about a year ago.
When I met my T I had lost 17 kg purging and I still didn't like myself, I was always hurting everywhere from the throat to the stomach and wasn't good looking at all.

I really do understand where you are coming from, it makes sense somehow (NOT because the number on the scale is important or because that defines one's value, but because I've been there) and I still wish I could do it sometimes, in my worst days. But that's not the solution and healing is taking wayyy longer than I expected. And it does **** up your metabolism. I ended up gaining weight again, and without eating, and I was desperately trying to keep my weight down in the end. I don't want to scare you, I think that it is very important to discuss it with your therapist. I am sure she would want to know it and to help you through this. I wish you the best of luck, I think you are really brave and you do deserve it.

[Lauliza]

I have had bulemia about 20 years ago in and right after college. I never told any therapist about it but went to the doctor about Irritable Bowel Syndrome instead, and she sent me to a nutritionist. I did have a pdoc at the time, and he would often tell me I was underweight and malnourished but I never told him about the purging laxatives. I just said I was a healthy eater (vegetarian) and worked out a lot.

He put me on an AD that curbed my behaviors. Of course the problem is once you stop an AD, the symptoms come right back. I've had issues at home over the past 7 years and have tried different meds, and recently these patterns resurfaced. I was purging a lot and ended up with all kinds of dental problems. But I also have little girsl and was afraid my kids could sense something was going on. It's really only because of this (and honestly my teeth that have become loaded with cavities) that I finally told my pdoc and T.

I was afraid like you, because my self harming had stopped for more than 2 years, but this is really just a replacement behavior. Your T will understand and will not feel betrayed. Clients with ED's are often not compliant with contracts and any verbal agreements and a good seasoned therapist knows this. They will just be glad that you told them.

Believe me, you don't want this behavior to carry into your later years, When it becomes even more difficult to tell, since you have the added expectation that this is something that only young people deal with. Plus not only will you be exhausted but it will damage you inside and out. I know it's hard to tell anyone if you are afraid you'll be forced into treatment or to gain weight, but that shouldn't happen. There are AD's that help with it, so long as you are compliant with them.

[Jordy]

I know T will want to know, and I trust her not to force me into any treatment, but she won't let me continue as id I didn't say anything.

I've just had dinner, still am hungry as I restricted myself both at lunch and dinner, but all I want is to purge. I know shouldn't, but part of me is like what the heck, I won't be able to continue once I tell T, so I should indulge as long as I can....

I can't believe I'm this messed up! Who even thinks like that without any good reason?

[HazelGirl]

Can you pay attention to the fact that you know it's not good? And that you don't want to be like that?

[ScarletPimpernel]

You have a reason. It's just not a healthy habit. I really do understand. I tried to be bulimic when I was 18, but I couldn't (can't stand vomiting). I also tried starving myself...until I passed out on the bus.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe try eating smaller meals...but more often. Eating several small meals is healthier than 3 big meals. And again, try to make healthier choices so you don't feel as guilty about eating.

[Jordy]

well... I just did it... on one side I feel much better, bot on the other side, I didn't even try to use my coping skills. T will be so mad...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Jordy

well... I just did it... on one side I feel much better, bot on the other side, I didn't even try to use my coping skills. T will be so mad...

I don't think your T will be mad. I think she will be sad. I think she will wish you could choose something else and will want to help you learn to make better choices.