not having a session next week because our regular time falls on a public holiday. not having a session the following week because he is doing a workshop / conference thing. he said he would try to reschedule one of those but...

i'm not all that happy. he took two weeks off over christmas already. then we have two sessions and then he is taking another two week off again. then in april he is taking a month off. not happy. he said we could have more frequent sessions this year. whine. whinge. he hasn't mentioned that again. and given that he keeps talking to me about more time off i don't really think i will mention about more time. he only works one day a week in the community. i thought he did more than that. but he only does one day. So that means that he has more days than i thought he did. i thought he was juggling between two or three but he isn't. there are four days there... grumble gripe

feel irritable. didn't talk as much last session. i guess i was all talked out from the time before. i guess a natural progression would have been to tell him a bit about the stuff i have been reading... this process is kinda freaking me out a little... he seemed... entertained. i guess. about my talking so much the time before. he was kinda prepared for that again. said something about how it can be hard to get into it. summarised a little. then ended up taking the direction again. i felt really embarrassed about how much i talked... embarrassed. embarrassed and ashamed and a little scared.

i found something tonight about the scared. i get scared he won't be able to cope with the %#@&#! inside me. that it will be too much for him.

i mean...

he is avoiding me already.

i know he isn't. but thats how it feels.

on the upside he gave me his email address. said he would email me about rescheduling if a slot came up.

i feel funny
funny strange not funny ha ha
ha ha ha

Alexandra, I don't know what to say. I feel your pain over this. I think I'd feel let down also..I mean about the workshop thing.. I think the only way he could become trustworthy again in my eyes is if he made a real effort to reshedule you??...but then again I'm in therapy and maybe I'm not seeing things for how they should be seen??? I dunno? anyways I hope he does reshedule you and feel he should have had this sorted out before you turned up? I know my T always has her diary and options in front of her...

[biiv]

hi Alexandra,
im sorry this has thrown you out like this. i know it would do the same to me. thats a lot of time to have to do without the support of your T. on the other hand, does he know how this upsets you? Ts arent mind readers. i have to keep reminding myself of that. lol. he may think you re perfectly happy with it? i think it could really help if you could let him know how you feel when you cant see him and also how you feel that hes avoiding you. (you re right. thats in your head but it does probably relate to some issues that therapy is there to help. though i guess you know this already. )
about the not talking in the last session i think thats completely normal. you let him see more of you the time before which makes you vulnerable which would bring up embarassment and fear about how hes going to react and what he thinks of you now. give yourself some slack and allow yourself to back off and process the fact that he probably doesnt see any reason why you would be embarassed and you have not been diminished in his perceptions at all.
Ts are trained to deal with all the crap inside people and most of them if they have any experience have heard a lot of crap so they are well prepared. they have their own coping techniques to make sure they take care of themselves and they can handle their clients pain. thats a part of building up trust is to try gently with talking about things as you did, wait to see his reaction and reassure yourself he is still there and still cares and gradually you work up to talking about all the seriously crap stuff inside by following the same 'reveal - reassure' pattern.
to me it sounds like you re making a lot of progress in trusting this guy. if i remember rightly you havent been seeing him very long at all? it takes a lot of time to trust so go at your own pace and if he is worth his salt as a T he will happily go at that pace with you.
keep thinking and analysing your thoughts. you sound so together and in control even though you dont feel it!
good luck and i really hope he can reschedule for you.
take care
biiv

[Rapunzel]

Alexandra,

I would talk to him about still needing more time. He told you he could give you the time, and maybe right now he has had other things that have made it hard, but it sounds like he does care and want to help you, so let him know that you still need that.

I know what that's like, not being able to get as much time as you feel that you need. I have had a hard time with that too, with several past therapists.

TC,
Rap

Oh alexandra I think I understand how you are feeling.

I fear wanting/needing someone, can't let them know outright or else they may use that against me.....or maybe I will appear weak and that will reveal my ability to be hurt.

I've just wanted someone to assure me they are here FOR ME. That whatever they do-- cancel appointments, reschedule or go on vacation-- it's not because they don't value their time with me......
I have this habit of looking for any tiny-minute sign of acceptance or rejection----- SO much thinking!!

And yet there is an inner struggle-- I really need to feel wanted/valued but fear that need at the same time and run from it..........

I've felt too that I will overwhelm my therapist. (when I had one) I only said a percentage of what I wanted to say..... **secretly---I feared he would think I'm far worse than he ever imagined--- so I was too scared to say too much.

Maybe you can try and feel proud of how much you talked before--- that's what you are there for to talk about yourself and things going on and you accomplished that goal-- that is a good thing, not a bad thing.IMO. (ha-- I would be embarassed too though )

I hope you hear from him by email that he can re-schedule you in ---- seems to me he trusts you to give you his email..... and that he is wanting to help you.

It is hard, I understand. I used to wish the T. would just say what I wanted to hear......... hmmmmmmm.... what did I want to hear???.....perhaps, "you are OK", and "I care about you" and "you can talk about anything and I will never think any less of you" .... guess I needed to feel unconditional acceptance-- since that is something I lacked as a child-- and that I will be safe. Never been told that by a T.-- "I will unconditionally accept you and you are totally safe here".......

I wish your therapy journey to be a safe and accepting one-- a place where you can grow and shine.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.... chances are I've felt very similar some time in my past.

mandy

i'm sorry that you're hurting. xoxoxo pat

i'm not sure about the rescheduling. maybe he is going to try and reschedule other people. if he sees them every couple months for meds or whatever then maybe he can delay them for a week or whatever. i have no idea.

hey. yeah... he really was very good about how i talked a lot the session before. he really was very good. and the next time too. he brought it up first. and kindly and gently and he was okay about it. amusement. thats what i got, I guess. he was kinda amused that i was more animated. interested. it was okay. that was a very nice response / reaction.

but still...

i felt scared. how come? i wasn't really sure... but reading about it is starting to make sense now.

part of what was so hard was that in some frames of mind i'm very self depreciatory. i mean i'm next to worthless - right? but i suppose i was getting a little carried away. grandiose self... and he was fine with that. but i was feeling a lot embarrassed later (not because of him) but... who am i? then i get this other thing where i'm scared people won't be able to handle me. i was reading this thing about this lady who used to dream about her t doing pushups on the kitchen counter. apparantly that was meant to be about her therapist being powerless / ineffective. i'm not so sure about that... but there is that fear, yeah. that the %#@&#! will be too much for him to deal with. it has been for other people so that isn't unrealistic. my father couldn't tolerate my emotions. he ran away. my father couldn't soothe me or care for me. he didn't know how. my father couldn't protect me 'cause my mother was too strong for him. so i'm scared of me yeah. that i'm too much. too much strong emotions and badness inside. and i'm scared that he is ineffective that he will be ineffective. that he can't to anything whatsoever to help me. that i'm a lost cause. i'm scared of that. and i'm scared that he will leave me and i'll be alone and trying to cope with this breaking up and stuff... and i don't want him to leave. so i have to be careful about the %#@&#! inside. 'cause i don't want him to run away.

and he isn't running... is he? he isn't... is he? i don't know.

time i guess.

hey. i don't think i can ask him about how he said he would see me more... he said that he could seem me weekly and that he only had one slot available but that there should be other slots opening up next year. i guess he didn't say when. and i guess he didn't commit to that either. i guess i'll just wait and see. and yeah, i'm scared of the stomping. i can't ask him. i just can't. not when i can't even rely on the same time each week. i can't even get that. it is too much. i'm sorry.

I'm afraid of showing vulnerability too. Leaves one open to exploitation etc. But... I guess ya gotta be able to trust some people some time... It can be hard to assess the level of risk, though. I tend to trust when I shouldn't really and I'm unable when the person is actually trustworthy. I don't trust particularly wisely I guess.

I'm trying to feel okay about how much I shared. I am kinda proud that I was able to do that. I guess a fairly natural progression would have been for me to talk a bit about all the stuff I've been reading (about self psychology etc). But... I was concerned he would be a bit overwhelmed by it all... I don't know. We will see how it goes next time. I'm going to have to try really hard not to cold shoulder him as an expression of disapproval about all his time off. I guess it is okay that he goes on conferences / workshops. And it is only fair that he gets the statutary holiday. And it is jolly nice of him to take a month off when his wife delivers etc. I'm tempted to mumble something (not to him) about how sometimes needs just do conflict etc etc and that is a fact of life. But... I don't know. We will see.

The email thing was funny. He said that we could have a couple of phone sessions while he was away. I asked him whether he emailed. In the chatty session. He said he hadn't done... That he was having problems with his accounts. He said he would phone me about rescheduling and I asked if it was possible for him to email me instead. Because phoning can be tricky with officemates and the like. He said he was still having trouble with 2 of his accounts but he was happy to give me his home account. That it was a shared account but his privacy was respected. I asked if he wanted some time to set up a new gmail or whatever, but he was okay with giving me that. Probably because it is shared I guess. I dunno. I am really very careful with boundaries around things like that. I might try and persuade him to set up a Gmail account. Do you think Gmail is safeish? I was wondering about chat sessions instead of phone sessions... Maybe...

thanks pat.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:
He said that we could have a couple of phone sessions while he was away.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that's pretty nice of him to offer the phone sessions. It shows he is thinking of you and realizes it will be hard for you to miss so many sessions. Do you think you''ll take him up on his offer and do the phone sessions? I would find phone sessions really hard--I'm not very good on the phone. I think online chat would be hard too. There are so many misunderstandings that occur by email and chat because we don't know how the person is saying those things, with what tone or feeling. Are they joking, or serious, or what?

I know it's hard when the T goes away, but it is almost never personal, just other things in their lives.

How many times have you seen this T? I have gone through cycles of closeness and backing off with mine, and he recognizes this and says it is normal as we build trust.

sunny

hey. yeah, it is nice of him to offer phone sessions. i think i would prefer chat / email to phone. but i guess we will see what happens. i still need to see about going to this other city for a couple of months. he was trying to get me to see if i could go during april (when he will be having his time off). that isn't looking so good, however. i've been told that april is the worst time for them spacewise and so i really need to go during feb / march. that is jolly soon... it will all depend on accomodation now. so i guess that means a three month break really. i'll try and get back every fortnight. i probably can't afford to come back every week, however. things aren't looking so good right now.

i think i'm okay with email / chat because i'm pretty used to the online forum now. there does seem to be a little more distance... which can be a good thing. i think i have an online disinhibition effect more than a phone disinhibition effect. i think that could be helpful. i might have some more courage to talk to him via email / chat. it could help us get to know each other.

i know it isn't personal. i know that rationally anyway. emotionally is much much harder. i can know one thing and feel quite differently. i guess it helps to keep saying what i know. need to acknowledge how i feel too though. otherwise i just make the discrepancy worse as the feelings intensify. yeah, i think it is normal to go through cycles of closeness and backing off. i think irl relationships are quite like that too. even marriage and stuff like that. our need for closeness / intimacy and space / independence varies over time. mine probably more so than most. i guess i really did cover a lot of ground 2 sessions ago. last session was mostly talking about aspects of that. i've seen him maybe... 7 times now. we are still getting to know each other. i've heard it said that it takes about 5 sessions to know whether you really can work with someone. i was fairly sure right from the start that i wanted to work with him. i've only had good surprises from him - except about the time off thing. i'm pretty sure that he knows it is hard for me. i haven't told him explicitly but i've made it clear. for example, he said that he would try and reschedule and i said any time except for tuesday and thursday afternoons were fine. that i needed to get to seminars... but that i could possibly make tuesday afternoon if it was a once off thing. he said he didn't expect me to skip seminars for therapy. i said it wasn't about his expectations, it was that i *wanted* to come. i've said little things like that several times. and kt... i said about her crying a lot (when he was on holiday). i didn't make the explicit link to the holiday and i didn't talk about it anymore (i was really embarrassed). but i think it was fairly clear.

it is a bit frustrating that i can't see him though... but yeah, we will get there i guess.

[biiv]

i think your fear makes a lot of sense. i get that split too between being totally self deprecatory at times and then getting carried away. except i tend to feel embarassed after both! the who am i question is such a huge one. im so many people at different times. like thinking, moving, acting, feeling totally different its impossible to know who the 'real' me is but recently ive been finding the weirdest thing. its like occasionally these different personalities are beginning to melt into eachother every so often. like the characteristics of one of them will show up in a situation they never usually do. its completely freaking me out but i think its a good thing because i think maybe it means that as i become more in touch with my feelings and begin to understand more where im coming from and how i behave im becoming more authentic. so anyway. long story short. i think its good you managed to show him one of the other sides of your personality because the more you can let all sides come out the closer i believe you re getting to real authenticity and honesty. which is petrifying but therapy is the perfect place to try it out. on the other hand... 7 sessions?!?! thats so short and you re already doing this much work!?!? thats great!!!

i cant say too much about being afraid he wont be able to handle you and will leave because its a major issue i struggle with too. what i try to hold onto is the idea Ts are trained to use their vast arsenal of coping mechanisms for themselves and they tend to be good at self care if they re good Ts so they can handle a lot. besides that i figure theres no point wasting the time i do have with her worrying about when she will leave. its going to happen anyway so i may as well get the most out of it in the meantime. if that means focusing on the less intense stuff and getting as much of that out of the way as possible and then seeing if shes still around thats ok for me. it doesnt seem to me at all like your T is running. it sounds like he knows what hes doing. go easy on yourself with trusting though. you re not expected to trust completely after 7 sessions.
oh and about T doing pushups on the kitchen counter!!!! hehehehe.
take care and as you say... time.

hey. i was reading something somewhere (damn, can't quite remember where) about how you deal with childrens needs for mirroring. i need to read that passage again. kids can be quite explicit about their mirroring needs 'mummy look at me! i want you to watch me!' sometimes the parent can meet that need by watching and expressing pleasure in the kids achievement. othertimes this need can't be met, however. when the parent needs to attend to something else, for example. there empathy is supposed to be the key. damn, i can't remember the example of what was said... something about validating the kids need 'yeah, you are really great on the swings!' and then coming in with a reality check 'mummy has to do this right now, but when i've finished that then i'll watch you on the swings'. damn. i wish i could remember the example because i think there was more to it... the notion is that the empathetic stance is what makes the reality check okay for the kid. without the empathy the kid could feel shame at having the mirroring need. another thing that could go wrong would be if the parent tried to meet all the kids needs without encouraging them (in developmentally appropriate ways) to appreciate reality as well. if a parent tried to do that then the kid wouldn't really get the chance to internalise the functions. also... it could lead to unrestrained narcissim (with respect to the mirroring need).

i too have a tendency to swing between shame at having such a need (so i won't admit it) and this unrestrained grandiose version of it. i feel embarrassed after both as well.

:-(

yes to the melting. it was good to talk to him about how they do melt into each other at times. to acknowledge that. i guess before i needed to emphasise the seperateness to clinicians because they didn't understand the seperateness. he does understand the seperateness, however. and so... i'm talking about their similarities. focus on them... focus on enlarging me to incorporate more and more and more of them. part of it is mood dependent too, i guess. if i'm in a happier mood it is easier for me to accept bits of them. if i'm not in a happy mood then i don't like them and i don't want them and they are not me they are not. he seems to be okay with the vaccilation and confusion. he said he understands that it is fluid and isn't fixed at all. that he won't hold me to anything i said the week before lol. he really is terrific (idealising) :-)

i was worried a while back that he was expressing too much interest in them and not enough interest in me. my concern was that he was wedded to the view of therapy which involves my switching and him getting to talk / relate to them directly. basically... i don't want to do therapy that way. he promised in our very first session that he would never try to summon them or ask to speak to them directly. i did worry a little, however, that he thought he would be able to do that as i trusted him more. it isn't about trust for me, however. i think it takes a whole heap more trust to allow ME to express their thoughts / feelings / desires / behaviours and to (even semi) acknowledge them as MINE. and that is the way i want to do things. i wasn't sure how he would feel about that. that is something that i want to talk to him about at some point. i also worried that he wouldn't want to work with me if he thought i wasn't DID, however. i was concerned that he would think that this strategy would mean i had a spectrum disorder rather than DID and that he was only working with me because he thought i had DID. i worried he wouldn't want to work with me anymore. i think that he was trying to let me know that it was okay to talk about them, however. i think he was trying to establish some kind of rapport with their perspective too so that they would trust him and know that he wouldn't undermine or write off their perspective. so i guess things are going okay. and i am trusting him more fully or something.

my main concern is about the kid though. idealising. i guess that is a big thing for me. the one i struggle the most with. i never really got the other needs met but i guess the idealising is probably the one i have the most difficulty with. expressing vulnerability. trusting that others won't exploit. trusting that they won't be disgusted with the neediness and dependence. fear that people can only be sadistic in the face of such vulnerability. fear that he will be useless in the face of the sadistic parts of me. that i'll destroy him or myself or the both of us. gently does it...

i have done a lot of therapy i guess. i've also struggled a whole heap with seeing very focused cognitive behaviour therapists and with p-docs who typically don't do therapy and who are leaving in a couple months anyway. i've wanted a therapist who i could work with for... 4 or 5 years now. wanted... wanted... saw some councellors but i couldn't really think of them as therapists. was like talking to a friend. but no insight or understanding really. they wouldn't direct the sessions. they didn't know where this was supposed to be going. i was scared they were too fragile...

but i just clicked with this guy from the first session. and he really has been terrific. and he is a nice mixture of strong and vulnerable. empathetic but not afraid to talk about sadistic apsects etc. i've also been reading a lot. understanding the process stuff has helped my progress so much. and people on boards. people on boards have helped me so much.

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What Are Our Mirror Reflections Trying to Teach Us?
People whose personalities and actions tend to push our buttons the most are generally our greatest teachers. These individuals serve as our mirrors and teach us what needs to be revealed about ourselves. Seeing what we don't like in others helps us look deeper inside ourselves for similar traits and challenges that need healing, balancing, or changing.

When someone is first asked to understand that an irritating person is merely offering him a mirror image of himself, he will strongly resist this idea. Rather, he will argue that he is not the angry, violent, depressed, guilt-ridden, critical, or complainer person that his mirror/teacher is reflecting. The problem lies with the other person, right? Wrong, not even by a long shot. It would be convenient if we could always place the blame on the other person, but this is not always so easy. First ask yourself "If the problem truly is the other fellow's and not my own then why does being around that person affect me so negatively?"
http://healing.about.com/cs/selfactu.../a/mirrors.htm

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Encoraging and appreciating a child's uniqueness, imo, is not what is being called "mirroring" here. Joining in and doing exactly as the child does is more like mirroring...speaking to them as they do to us etc. IMO