Jealous of T's other client...who happens to be my best friend.

So... a bit of a back story. My best friend (and as of April, roommate) recommended her therapist to me, who I have been seeing for about a year. She started seeing him almost ten years ago when she was in the mental hospital, and he was an intern. After he got his own practice established, she saw him on and off to "fix" her problems.

Anyway. As some of you may know here, I've been dealing with intense feelings for my T, romantic and otherwise. It's been rough the past couple of sessions, but we have been trying to work through it, by me being more open and willing to discuss certain things.

My main reason for this post was just to state that my friend (mentioned above) saw my T yesterday for the first time in over a year. I knew she was going to go back to him, but wasn't sure just how soon. This is her first appointment with him since we've been living together. Already I was a bit jealous, but didn't say anything. After all, she's the one that referred me to this wonderful man!

She told me that she showed him her stand-up comedy routine. She's been getting really into it lately and I have showed nothing but support for it. I too have been trying to find new activities and things to do around town, so I'm accompanying her on a lot of these outings. Apparently, he was really interested that she is doing this, because he used to do stand-up in the 80s, as well as had written a book on the subject (yes, he's one of those people that has done EVERYTHING under the sun before he was 40 years old).

They didn't get to finish the whole recording, but he wanted her to e-mail him the rest so that he could critique it and give her honest feedback. So, first of all, when I was texting him a few months back, asking him for his e-mail address so that I could start getting some feelings about him off my chest, he didn't even respond or address it. He didn't want to give it to me. I guess he thought texting should suffice. Either way, I was hurt when I found out he would so freely give it to her, and not to me. He knows we live together. I could easily gain access to it, though I would NEVER use it.

When she got home, all she could do was GUSH about him to me, saying he's so amazing. She wanted to google him, and I causally told her, "Oh you probably won't find anything. He's a therapist! He keeps that **** hidden." She has no clue how extensively I've googled him. I've found a lot of things. (his Facebook, knowledge about his girlfriend, etc) I've had to keep my feelings about him hidden for awhile now. It's like this big secret I'm carrying around. I know she would be furious if she found out I have feelings for him. It's the one thing I've never been able to discuss with her, cause she wouldn't understand.

Also, isn't it a bit strange for a therapist to give a client of his critical feedback on her comedy routine? Like, boundary-wise? What if he hates it? I just feel that it has nothing to do with therapy. I guess I'm also just worried that...what if he is this wonderful and amazing with all of his patients? The thing I've loved about his is that he always made me feel special and important. Now I see he's already becoming buddy-buddy with my friend, and again, it bothers me.

I don't know how often she will continue to see him, if at all. I'm sure him and I have a more close relationship than they do, but still I feel kind of like a fool. I feel stupid for having developed feelings for someone that apparently is nice and awesome to everyone.

Our last session was horrible, as I've posted about previously. I would like to make amends, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just too plain emotional about all of this. I almost feel like he's being so nice to her to bother me, though I'm sure that is just paranoia/projection. I do that a lot.

Anyway, what do you guys think? Should I stop being so jealous of my friend? Should I make the most of what my T and I DO have, regardless of what he does for other clients? Obviously there are things he would do for my friend that he wouldn't do for me, because of my romantic/erotic transference feelings for him.

If it was me, I would not talk to my friend about the therapist. And I would insist the friend not tell me about her interactions with the therapist.
In terms of should and jealous - For me I would not think there is ever a time I would find I should be jealous over anything. Whether one is or is not is different from should in my opinion.

If I stopped talking about him though, all of a sudden, she might think it's weird. She loves talking about him (really, so do I), but obviously I can't disclose everything we talk about. Also, she talks my ear off in general, so I have to hear all about her **** on a daily basis. I'm like her second therapist, pretty much. She's been going through a breakup, and gave me the run down of her session. I doubt there's anything they've talked about that I don't already know, though I wouldn't rush to assume that. I can do my part and not talk about therapy, but I don't know if she can, because she has no idea it's even an issue, and would freak out, if she did.

Yes, stop being so jealous of your friend. Look, apparently this therapist really is a great guy. So good that your friend referred you to him. So good that you've really liked how he's worked with you. So good that she felt comfortable going back to him after a year away. That is awesome. You are both really fortunate to have found apparently a great therapist. My guess is that he is quite capable of caring about, working with, more than one person at a time. I suspect he has good working relationships with many clients beyond you and your roommate. That doesn't in any way diminish the working relationship he has with you. It just means he's a great therapist and is quite capable, as most therapists are, of working with many people at the same time.

I agree with SD. Sit down with her and talk about needing to keep your sessions with him private -- both of you. Just tell her it feels a bit awkward to discuss him now that both of you are seeing him individually again. You don't have to do into details. If she starts talking about him after that, just be assertive and remind her of the agreement to keep discussion of him out of your conversations.

This situation puts the therapist in what might be considered an unethical situation. Is your therapist aware that he is also seeing your roommate?

Yes. He was aware that we were friends, as she referred me, and when I told him I was moving in with her, he didn't try to tell me it would be a bad idea. My guess is he is going to try and not get involved in drama that comes up between the two of us, if any.

I'm sure he can handle this just fine. It's me I'm worried about. I can't help but feel like he values/appreciates her more.

Can you perhaps wrap your mind around the fact that he can value and appreciate you each, differently? Caring individuals generally have more than enough ability to care and value many people at the same time. Each relationship is unique and can be valued on its own merits. There is no need to compare one to the other. It isn't a contest for your T. He's just doing what he does, naturally.

I know logically that you are right. It's his job to care about more than one person at a time, and even people who aren't therapists can somehow also have this ability (ie multiple children).

I guess it just hurt me to know that he would so freely give his e-mail address away. The whole thing makes me feel stupid and needy. I don't like feeling like this.

I think it's dubious that he's agreed to see someone who is close to an existing client, and agree with you that the comedy critique is a boundary issue. Fine if she asks to show it to him in session. Not fine that he wanted her to email it. Unless she lied about that?

I don't see this concept of boundary issues as a thing unless one or the other persons in the mix finds them to be such. I would not want the therapist to come to such a thing of mine, but it would not bother me if someone else did and the woman went. It has no bearing on my life.

I don't think she lied about it. He's probably genuinely curious about helping her with it, and wasn't considering other factors (boundary issues, etc).

As for him seeing us both, I think so far, it's fine. He doesn't go telling either one of us what the other said or anything. It's just me seeing that they have a relationship too, and I'm getting a little hurt. That's it. :-/

I can be overly needy sometimes and I've had this discussion with my group T. Some things have come up that made me feel left out/jealous. So I finally got up the courage and told him about it. It took me a few tries, three actually, to really explain where I was hurting and why. It turned out to be a good thing that I told him because we were able to do something to make me feel better.

He calls it "asking for what you need"

I've been working very hard on asking for what I need.

It's important to tell your T about your feelings in regards to your request for his email and him giving it to your roommate. I think it's pretty big that he allows you to text. Not a lot of Ts do that.

I think the reason he gave her his email and didn't give it to you is because he's known her for years and years. Although I don't agree with that find it quite unethical for there to be one rule for one patient and another for the next.

I think if you and a friend see the same therapist it's bound to cause trouble. Myself and a friend of a friend who I occasionally saw shared a therapist once (saw her coming out of her office) and it brought out loads of uneasy feelings in me, and I barely knew her! So I think it's normal...especially with transference thrown into the mix. It might be an idea to tell your T.

Years ago i had a best friend who had the same t as i did.
In some ways it was fun- we often had our sessions back to back so we could ride together. And we would dress alike, to see if t noticed. Or we might tell her the exact same story to see if she responded differently. Etc.
In the end it ended up really badly for us. We compared each others therapy too much, and bf ended up acting out a lot so she could get as much attention as i did, and she kept telling me all the time how t just loved me and i was Tsfavorite, and t would talk about me. Etc. t ended up making a rule that we werent allowed to talk about quite a few topics with each other, including therapy.
Then my bf acted out so much that she ended up quitting t, well, t sort of dumped her for not doing her t homework, and then things got lots worse between bf and i because t still talked to me. Of course a year later t ende up dumping me too, but by then bf and i were no longer in each others lives

........

Didnt read all of comments but i think was really bad idea to see the same t who sees your best friend..
If she knows him for 10 years but you only for one year maybe its the reason why he lets her send him emails.
I would go crazy if i were you and would try to know what friend feels for t but it leads to nowhere. Its hard situation.

As others have suggested, I think that you really need to talk to your friend and ask that you no longer discuss your therapist with one another. If you feel that you need extra backing or an "excuse," you can say that your T has requested that you no longer discuss him/your sessions with one another (and tell your T that you need this).

About 2 years ago, I made the HUGE mistake of referring a friend of mine to my T, who I had already been seeing for 2 years. At first, it was fun. We could discuss T, compare notes, and share this common experience. Then, it got ugly. My "friend" started making fun of me for having "mommy" feelings for my T (I don't have a mom), she told all of our mutual friends private things about my therapy, and she told everyone the name and information of my therapist. In addition to that, she simply became an abusive friend. Since I had been with my T for years and she was a new client, I told my T that I was no longer comfortable with the situation and I explained the abusive behavior and breach of confidentiality. My T's first response was that my friend and I should no longer talk about therapy with one another. So, I talked to my friend. My friend said "okay" but didn't actually follow through. So, I told my T again. Then, my T talked to my friend and asked her no longer to discuss therapy with me. My friend stopped for awhile-- and then started again. So, I talked to T one last time.My T said that i should no longer be friends with this girl, but that she felt she could still continue to see us both. I was upset-- I felt it was unfair-- and I almost stopped seeing my T. But, in the end, I cut the friend out of my life and stayed with my T. Unfortunately, I still see the girl around from time to time, and she still mentions my T when I do run into her. So, what I learned from my experience is that seeing the same T as a friend-- and discussing it-- can really be poison both for the friendship and the therapy relationship. If you want to keep both, I would strongly urge you to talk to both your friend and your T about putting a boundary in place.

Yeah, my T has a policy of not seeing the client's family members/friends for individual therapy even if the client wanted him to.
It can get messy and fast... esp since she's your roommate...
As others pointed out- I'd talk to your T/friend and have some kind of boundaries put on this RS all parties are OK(ish) with. Good luck

I don't blame you for being jealous... I would be giving her daggers!! Also, I don't get why she performed her comedy routine during therapy... *looks disapprovingly over half-moon spectacles* doesn't sound like therapy to me! Perhaps he's just humouring her.

Without going into specifics, can you bring it up with him? He knows you live together, can you ask why she gets to email him her stand up routine an you can't email him what you want?

I know this isn't the main point of your post but everyone has already addressed the bigger issue (I agree: no more talking to friend about T) so I wanted to comment on the comedy routine aspect.

Comedy is like any other piece of writing you might share with your T. Most comedy is full of big and painful issues. It's often pretty personal stuff and there are some pretty raw truths in there. There's a reason that so many great comedians come from groups that have faced considerable oppression and/or have experienced a lot of personal adversity. Think about the jokes people make about their weight, ethnicity, social class or marital problems to name a few. I think that shyt is a freaking therapy goldmine!

T critiquing your comedy routine can involve helping you get to the heart of the issue. Sure you make light of it with your audience. But you can actually cry about it with your T.