[MississippiRiver]

I put a warning on this just bec I know this issue can make some people very angry. Sorry. I'm trying to work thru it. I came here for help.

This is my first real post & I'm very afraid im going to be ripped apart. If you do I totally understand...in theory.

I've always made up stories in my life. Yes lies. Sometimes just to get more attention from others. I played a lot in a fantasy world & used to blur the lines of fantasy & reality. I still have that problem today where I have to stop & ask myself,"is this really true or are you making it up."
I've been treated for MDD for 26 yrs. 2 yrs ago i was diagnosed w/PTSD. I know that some of the symptoms I exaggerated bec I wanted to make sure I got that diagnosis. I was, truly, molested by a family member when I was younger t & then by a friend when I was older. But to me they didn't seem bad enough so I took the basic story & added a lot of lies to it. Why? I'm not really sure.
I've grown attached to my T a great deal in 2 yrs. I like the attention she gives me & that she ...basically feels bad for me & everything I went thru. Im sure the words selfish, attention seeker, bser come to mind. So now I have these elaborate stories I've created in T & I keep adding to them. Sometimes I think if I add another wrinkle that'll keep her interested in me & I'll get the attention I'm craving. I'm a very good actor. I can whip up tears easily. We work in IFS & sometimes I think I'm saying different things from different parts maybe to get my T thinking I might have DID. Yes I'm extremely embarrassed over this & know that people are probably disgusted w/me.

We're doing emdr now on memories that don't exist. But sometimes the false memories feel so real I wonder if it did really happen...but I know they didn't. So the emdr is a waste bec I'm not processing anything real. I'm processing these elaborate stories to keep my T attention on me.

I also fake nightmares to keep my mate guessing. I say that I dissociate...but I really don't. I say I lose time, but I really don't. I say I have all these problems & I really don't have these huge problems. I guess I see my problems as small & uninteresting.
I'm older now & know I should t be playing these games esp w/professionals knowing that the time that's spent w/me could go to someone else that really needs it. I'm embarrassed, ashamed & disgusted w/myself over this. I've created this huge false world & now feel trapped in it. I'm deathly afraid to tell my T this thinking that I don't really need the help & will ask me to leave. I don't think I could ever look her in the eye or sit on the couch across from her again if she knew all the lies I've told her. She invested her time into me & said she'd help me & I'd be throwing that help back in her face.

I know I'm a very bad person. I understand that. But my question is why do I do this to my life. This isn't the first time I've gotten lost in a fantasy. Am I that desperate for self pity? Why would someone do this? What's wrong w/me? My life has become so boring & I'm so terribly lonely that making this stuff up makes me feel special. I'm not special to anyone & when I get the "you poor dear..." Look from my T I feel special.
So please be honest w/ your replies. If you want to chew me out maybe I need to hear that...but I'm desperately looking for answers of why & what kind of person I am. Am I a pathological liar? I'm not even sure of what that is.
Please help me!
Thank you

[stopdog]

I don't really know why anyone would have an urge to chew you out here. It is your life and money and if you choose to spend it like you described, it is none of anyone else's concern.
It would seem to me if you wanted to stop it, you could confess to the therapist what you have written here or go to another therapist and tell that one.

[HazelGirl]

I don't see you as bad. I see you as desperately needing attention because you did not receive any as a child. I think this is a core issue for you and if you are going to benefit at all, you need to tell your T. I know that would be an incredibly difficult conversation to have, but I think it's essential that you do so.

[growlycat]

I've on occasion lied to my T's. And I wonder why I pay these people just to evade them or not face things that are hard. It is human nature.

You must have reasons for doing these things, as you've said, you crave the attentiveness. That makes sense.

Are you starting to think that maybe you are ready to let your T know what is going on? You've said it well right here.

[PeeJay]

I can't even imagine how much pain this might be causing you. It comes through in your words.

What if you told the truth and still received caring and empathy and sympathy? That seems like a path to healing.

I don't think anyone needs to beat you up because you're doing it enough to yourself already.

I personally feel very betrayed when people lie to me. The therapist might feel that but might also realize that you're in a lot of pain to tell so many tales.

I think you are afraid of losing your therapist. At the same time, you two have a bond that you can't truly trust or rely upon because you are afraid that if she knew the real you, that bond would be shattered.

Ideally, I would consult a second therapist about this to find out how to handle it and how to bring it up with the first therapist. Of course, that's a lot of extra time and money and both of those are scarce.

I'm interested in knowing how you handle this.

[Favorite Jeans]

You're not alone:

My double life in therapy - Salon.com

You're brave to admit it here. I think the key is where you say that you feel like you need to keep your T's attention and worry she'll get bored of you. What do you think that's about? Somewhere in there you must be in a lot of pain and maybe you feel like you need a particularly dramatic story to convey pain that's real.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

You're not alone:

My double life in therapy - Salon.com

.

I am more outraged about how she treated the cat (s) than what she did with the therapist.

[feralkittymom]

It might help to consider that to call a statement a "lie" involves a moral judgment. Ts aren't in the moral judging game. Lies are symptoms. Ts are most interested in getting beneath the symptom to the cause. And astute Ts are pretty attuned to "lies," so she may already sense that there's something going on and she's just waiting for you to be ready to address it. And that would be seen as progress. Try to lighten up on yourself a bit.

[anilam]

Hi and welcome. Kudos for being honest- I know it's only here but hey, it's a start

I think you really should tell your T about that- if she's a good T she'll see it for what it is - a progress, yeah! and be happy for it. - that's the great thing about Ts, it's about YOU and not (well, should not) be about their feelings.
I think telling lies is one of many important social skills, nothing to be ashamed of. However, telling the truth feels so much better, it's freeing though it requires a level of safety and trust in the RS. Starting with your T is a great idea, hopefully one day you'll be able to be more honest with your friends/family.
I do think you're too hard on yourself and it's not helping the situation one bit:/

Btw Yes, fake memories, if repeated long enough, can feel real esp if you're working with them in therapy.

I haven't read other replies so if I repeat, excuse me.
I think a lie is a way of having control over something uncontrollable.
The fact you feel the need to lie to get what you need, seems to indicate you have in the past not got what you need. That's been left for so long in your life that your inner child's attempts to get what it needs isn't working. The adult you knows somethings off, but with no inner communication having happened the miss match between the you in the here and now and the you from your childhood is showing itself in your life as you describe in your post.
I'd prefer an in depth therapy if I were you (and I have been like you).

[MississippiRiver]

Thank you everyone for your response. It made me cry bec I feel so worthless about this. Who wants to spend time w/a liar?
My biggest fear is that she's going to ask me why I did it. I don't know how to answer that w/o saying I like people to feel bad for me & feel sorry for me bec it feels good.
When I was younger I could get attention by flirting or using my body. Those things r gone now & I'm left w/nothing. I'm just a shell of a person. I have no idea who I am.

If I really wanted to solve this I'd make a copy of this & give it to my T & deal w/the shame of it all. I wish I had the strength to do that.
I can see myself telling her that maybe one or two memories might not b real so I don't wanto work on them.
The false memories that I try to process are very sexual in nature. Also very sadistic. I have a part of me that enjoys that & another part that is so repulsed by it & embarrassed by it I'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm so ashamed about this mess that I've made. I've been doing stuff like this for so long I don't know what's real anyone. Sometimes I think I must be really, really sick to be doing all this bec what person in their right mind would bother putting so much time & effort into making up such stories. I'm just truly disgusted w/myself.

Maybe you're not ready to truely understand this yet. It's working for you still.

[NowhereUSA]

A t's job is to help you figure out why. It's okay to say I did this and I don't know why but I need help. A good t isn't going to kick you out of therapy. That's exactly where you need to be and it's her job to help you. Who wants to spend time with someone who struggles with lying? A t does. It takes courage to admit what we struggle with and a t is supposed to be a safe place to work that out.

I don't judge you. Sounds like you've had a rough go of it.

[Patagonia]

I could see where people could get angry over this. No one likes or trusts a liar which is what you're admitting to. Why are you going to T In the first place?
Do you really fake symptoms? Do you wanto be that sick? Why? Why do you want to pull the wool over your T eyes? What do you think will happen when she sees thru it? What if you get your lies tripped up & she catches you before you have a chance to confess? Will you ever confess?

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Confess? Lol. It's not a crime.

[NowhereUSA]

She already said she didn't know why. Compulsive lying is a perfect reason to be in therapy. She clearly needs help. She has a lot of shame and I think if she can be brave enough to talk to her t about it she can finally get the help she needs.

[iheartjacques]

I'd be more concerned if you were lying to your family and friends, the ones that care about you.

[MississippiRiver]

I think Patagonia has a point.

This isn't the first time I've pulled something like this. One time the stories go so elaborate the police were involved & many people were hurt by what I did. That whole situation still makes me disgusted.

But maybe mouse has a point too. I'm getting what I want. The attention. So why would I quit now? It won't stop til I'm caught in a lie. Then people get hurt.

[anilam]

Sure you like the attention- you don't believe you'd get/deserve it any other way. I don't think you are happy though, the way you are. If you were you wouldn't be here posting about it.
Therapy is a place for you to look at your behaviors openly and decide are they working for me, or not? Did they ever? Can I change them? Do I want to?
Judgement doesn't help. Yes, while "normal" ppl could get angry a good T shouldn't.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm sorry but I really disagree with Patagonia...This is NOT something to be shamed about when you obviously already know it isn't the best way of going about things and it doesn't feel right. You're not proud of what you did and it is very brave of you to share this here.

It seems it will be best if you receive as much support as possible, just for being you...For being honest...for admitting to something that feels wrong and that you want to change it...For mentioning you're afraid...etc.

This is a great start. Even if you can't "come clean" to your current Therapist, I do agree it would be worth seeing a second T to discuss this with. The first step to healing is admitting and realizing the problem and you shouldn't have to explore it alone. I feel really sad for you because there has to be a reason to "lie".

I'm sorry you felt you should be judged and scolded for opening up finally. It must be a huge weight off your shoulders to finally talk about this!

[HazelGirl]

The problem with lying about all of this is that you know the response isn't "right". You can't really trust your T, or take in the things she is saying, because you're lying. Which means you are getting NOWHERE in therapy and wasting your time. You are harming yourself ultimately with your actions, and I think you know that deep down.

It's not a waste of time. If someone wasn't even therapy than it would be a waste. Lying can be a form of expression of internal struggles. A skilled therapist can feel for themselves the intensity behind a lie. It's the intensity that is the truth.

[NowhereUSA]

It seems to me that at some point lying was a way of protecting yourself. Wanting and needing attention is not inherently bad. We need attention. However we can learn unhealthy ways of getting it. You've taken the first step in admitting it to yourself. Now by admitting it to your t you can start to learn healthy ways of getting that human interaction that you need. Therapy hasn't been a complete waste of time, you've made this discovery about yourself. That's something.

Food for thought - I've heard it said the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is feeling bad about what we've done while shame is feeling bad about who we are. You've made some mistakes, some big ones, but everyone has. Talk to your t. If she reacts badly then find one who can see that you're hurting and need help to change into the person you want to be.

[Patagonia]

I think that if you've been w/this T for 2 yrs you've built up trust & attachment based on lies. I agree that T has gotten you no where bec there's no area to improve on. Only the next falsehood you're going to add.
If you look in the mirror & recognize the person you see I think you'll keep lying & move on. But if you look & are not sure of the person looking back then there's a shred to hold onto on what type of person you are. There must be some deep reason for all this lying if you've done it all your life. I don't mean to sound harsh, really, but my time w/my T is precious & is sometimes very hard to get. I'd be upset if she was tangled up w/another client who is acting out to get attention when I might really need some help myself.

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[Petra5ed]

There are some interesting things I think about what you said. For example, you were molested by a family member, but you say you added some details to spice it up. I definitely understand the urge to do that... my parents didn't torture me with whips and chains, but it feels like they did, I've often felt that for someone to really understand how I felt growing up a better story would be that I was chained and beaten relentlessly in closet. Anyways, being molested by a family member IS, on it's face, horrific. It doesn't need to be enhanced, I just want you to know that. Sometimes the actual physical parts of the abuse aren't as damaging as the psychological, which leads to shattered trust, abandonment, etc.

Also, it seems like you might need to know your therapist is really concerned for you in order for you to know they care. I have this as well, but it's gotten better. We grew up in environments where we weren't cared for. No wonder we wouldn't just trust the therapist gives a crap about our story or us. As a child I only felt cared for when someone tried to step in and intervene in my defense, this usually meant they had to be very concerned for me and my wellbeing... Just wanted to point that out.

We all lie. I just watched a TED talk called "Mind Games" where the speaker said one of every three things that's said on average is a lie. As you pointed out, we can also lie to ourselves. This lying to ourselves is rampant. Here you are seeming to make progress at least in admitting the truth to yourself. I would say consider challenging yourself to admit this truth to your therapist. Trust that this issue is also an issue that therapy might help. Something I've learned is that brutal honesty is how people can become intimate and closer, especially when the honesty makes you vulnerable. so perhaps this honesty with your T will actually soften their heart toward you even more. Perhaps your T will just see you as I do, someone who was abused and mistreated, who like so many people is now lost and needing help.