[IndestructibleGirl]

I've fallen off the Cliff of Hope and bashed myself on the Sharp Pointy Rocks of Doom and Despair over the last few weeks Feel slightly mechanically better now, since I did go to hospital and will hopefully get referred to the community team, because it feels like taking an action as opposed to lying back in a frozen heap using all power not to binge/cut/worse stuff.

But I wondered. For the last while, before this blip, I'd been doing a lot better in general at taking care of myself - eating, prioritizing health, not beating myself up over stuff I've failed to achieve, etc. And, I dunno, all that energy poured into caring for myself better - it didn't make any difference really, to how I felt I felt silly, in fact. Why bother looking after myself well, just to sit in my room longing for my mother to be alive, feeling desperately isolated from the world.

When you aren't important to anyone but yourself, what keeps you fighting stubbornly on?

I think this is the bit I have trouble with figuring out. I have lots of interests if I could make the effort to engage with them, I love my job, I know that I have some good talents I could gain a lot of satisfaction from. But I can't commit to life 100%. How do you commit?

Maybe I'm asking from the wrong side. What are the everyday things that really help you when you are feeling low? What lifts you? Eating really healthily? Exercise? Omega oils? I thought I was doing ok, I kept my diet reasonably strict and got some exercise everyday, and although I felt a sense of control and pleasure at keeping my **** together and going through the motions of a reasonable balanced human being - it still all felt pointless. Like why bother taking care of myself, because I still felt in incredible pain every bloody weekend after my therapy session. My sessions were the only place I could admit to the pain I felt and then there was no escaping it until I got to distract with work again.

So what do you do, what everyday things, that makes a substantial difference to your wellbeing?

Have you ever felt that not harming yourself was 'as good as it gets'? How did you get past that?

[junkDNA]

well it used to be my cat but he died in january. i dont mean to sound like im joking. i am very serious. thinking about who would take care of my cat if i had killed myself stopped me so many times. he meant a lot to me. but now that he is gone im not sure what keeps me going. i think relationships in my life mean a lot to me. so that is some of it. but also i just try to remember that bad times pass eventually. i know that sounds trite but idk it helps me get thru it. i used to not even be able to think like that.

daily things that help me are talking to someone every day, anyone really, i mean i prefer friends or family but sometimes the only people i talk to are customers at my job. i try to stay within a routine to alleviate stress. honestly the biggest thing that helps me when im low and feel unsafe is to take a prn of seroquel. it numbs me out. i dont really see that as healthy but its still better than the self destructive coping skills i had before.

i think its a process to figure these things out for ourselves

[Inner_Firefly]

It sounds like you feel a lot of pain and struggle with missing your mom. I am so sorry...It must be hard to have sharp pointy rocks and hurting...Mixed in with the pain I can see you were very good at knowing what to do: taking care of yourself, recognizing your talent, enjoying a job you love, being aware of your feelings (instead of numbness and denial) ...and going to therapy. Not harming yourself is an excellent start!
The thing that kept me going was I didn't want to be late for the next T appointment...if I died I would be late for sure and T would be upset. I resolved to live until the next appointment. That's it...and years later my life turned around into joy. Hopefully that helps you a little bit,..I understand that feeling of pain and I sincerely wish you comfort and inner peace.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My dogs and my T are the main thing that keeps me going. Sometimes my family, my fiance, and dreams...

I entered therapy because I was about to give up. My T's main role is solely for support and encouragement since I don't have much. Making my T proud of me really motivates me. Coping skills and learning things are a bonus.

[kororain]

T says emotions only last 3 minutes. If they last longer, I'm doing something to prolong it. If I can recognize that, and get through 3 minutes, sometimes I'm ok.

I didn't recognize that this morning and I was spinning out of control at work. Couldn't stop crying.

So I don't know. I hate constantly struggling with feeling ok. I hate it.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

well it used to be my cat but he died in january. i dont mean to sound like im joking. i am very serious. thinking about who would take care of my cat if i had killed myself stopped me so many times. he meant a lot to me. but now that he is gone im not sure what keeps me going. i think relationships in my life mean a lot to me. so that is some of it. but also i just try to remember that bad times pass eventually. i know that sounds trite but idk it helps me get thru it. i used to not even be able to think like that.

daily things that help me are talking to someone every day, anyone really, i mean i prefer friends or family but sometimes the only people i talk to are customers at my job. i try to stay within a routine to alleviate stress. honestly the biggest thing that helps me when im low and feel unsafe is to take a prn of seroquel. it numbs me out. i dont really see that as healthy but its still better than the self destructive coping skills i had before.

i think its a process to figure these things out for ourselves

Junkdna, I'm so sorry about your cat

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

It sounds like you feel a lot of pain and struggle with missing your mom. I am so sorry...It must be hard to have sharp pointy rocks and hurting...Mixed in with the pain I can see you were very good at knowing what to do: taking care of yourself, recognizing your talent, enjoying a job you love, being aware of your feelings (instead of numbness and denial) ...and going to therapy. Not harming yourself is an excellent start!
The thing that kept me going was I didn't want to be late for the next T appointment...if I died I would be late for sure and T would be upset. I resolved to live until the next appointment. That's it...and years later my life turned around into joy. Hopefully that helps you a little bit,..I understand that feeling of pain and I sincerely wish you comfort and inner peace.

Firefly, maybe you're right. Maybe sometimes it is literally about resolving to live until the next appointment. I'm crap at that though, I know I don't mean enough to anyone, be they therapist or family or friends, for it to matter to them whether I am dead or alive. Not really. I need to learn to want to live 100% for myself.

[HazelGirl]

Do you have other people? That's sometimes the biggest thing that keeps me going. Reach out to others and learn to form deep bonds with them. It will help.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My dogs and my T are the main thing that keeps me going. Sometimes my family, my fiance, and dreams...

I entered therapy because I was about to give up. My T's main role is solely for support and encouragement since I don't have much. Making my T proud of me really motivates me. Coping skills and learning things are a bonus.

Animals are great motivators, totally get that. I miss my horses.

Originally Posted by kororain

T says emotions only last 3 minutes. If they last longer, I'm doing something to prolong it. If I can recognize that, and get through 3 minutes, sometimes I'm ok.

I didn't recognize that this morning and I was spinning out of control at work. Couldn't stop crying.

So I don't know. I hate constantly struggling with feeling ok. I hate it.

Waaaa!!! THREE minutes! Is he kidding?! Is he cbt, by any chance?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Do you have other people? That's sometimes the biggest thing that keeps me going. Reach out to others and learn to form deep bonds with them. It will help.

No I do not have other people and I suck at forming deep bonds. I have no idea how, and to be honest I don't even know if I want to find new people to form deep bonds with, I miss the ones I had and lost. I'm jaded. See - I can't commit and I'm not doing it on purpose, they're just my honest feelings.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

No I do not have other people and I suck at forming deep bonds. I have no idea how, and to be honest I don't even know if I want to find new people to form deep bonds with, I miss the ones I had and lost. I'm jaded. See - I can't commit and I'm not doing it on purpose, they're just my honest feelings.

Your honest feelings are very legitimate. I know what you mean, quite a lot. And I know it is painful to lose those you care about and whom care about you. But there are others out there whom you could bring some light and joy to, and whom could do the same for you. It sometimes just takes some effort to find them.

[kororain]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Waaaa!!! THREE minutes! Is he kidding?! Is he cbt, by any chance?

She does CBT among other things, but the 3 minutes thing is a thing. It's Google-able.

I thought of another thing -- I actually read it here, but it's just grounding. I just remembered that's what brought me off the face of the cliff today.

My name is [kororain].
It is 2014.
I am sitting at my desk at work.
I am 37 years old.
I am not in danger. I am safe.
Everything is ok.

[blur]

the thing that keeps me going is my faith. without it i would have been gone a long time ago.

i think the one good thing that comes out of going through the really awful times is that it usually is a turning point and i finally make a change that i've probably needed to make for a very long time. emotional pain is just like physical pain in that it is telling us something is wrong, we are ill, and need help and treatment. if we just try to numb the pain that is kind of like letting your leg go all gangrene.

IG, reading your posts the sense i get is that the core issue for you is not having satisfying relationships in your life. is that right? if so, this is certainly something you can work on in therapy. it won't be solved overnight but it can be solved. maybe you just had to get these other things in place like the job before you were ready to address this. maybe it is time...

[unaluna]

Rent the movie "Mid August Lunch". Maybe you need to start doing artist dates with yourself again. You say you are eating healthfully, but are you having fun with it? This evening i sliced a peach and had some goat cheese with it, just yummy. How are you preparing for fall? Do you have a ritual? Maybe we need a pc fall ritual.

Eta - pc keeps me going. And my t always leaves me laughing - like hes sending me off to have a good day at fifth grade.

[growlycat]

Who would take care of my cat?

Sometimes, it comes down to that one thing.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Who would take care of my cat?

Sometimes, it comes down to that one thing.

That kept me going Too. Plus i didnt want her nibbling at my toes. I dont know why i just assumed she would eat me.

[growlycat]

I don't trust my family to re-home my little guy.

Off topic but you reminded me of this little statistic
Are dogs willing to eat the remains of their masters?

[Onward2wards]

Thanks for the thread. I need to find something and quickly.

[clairelisbeth]

It's my puppy that helps me the most.

Sometimes repeating "In this moment, nothing is wrong," over and over and over until I can breathe again. Sometimes a moment is too long, and I need to bring it down to the second: "In this second, everything is ok. Nothing is wrong in this second."

Breathing. Repeating to myself "In, out, in, out," until the wave of panic or fear or whatever has passed.

[Teacake]

My anger keeps me going.

Yoga helps me feel alive. I dont mean real yoga. Im not a yogini. I mean stretches i learned from an Eric Schiffman book. Standing and sitting upright works for me. I like my feet or sitting bones grounding me. But a nice pidgeon pose can relieve a lot of tensión and trauma.

There's no point in breathing or relaxing or imaging a clear tranquil lake for me if my body is all tense and stagnant. I am a very physical person. Ive got to get circulation going to feel OK. At the same time, kill me before you tell me to go for a run around the block. I could fugue and end up in Nebraska. I have to be careció of dance even. Overstimulation or hyoerarousal tele me to the end of my noose as bad as underarousal or the read flat.

What keeps me going is a determination to be a good sport. It was the ethos of my childhood. Suicide is not good sportsmanship.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by kororain

T says emotions only last 3 minutes.

Can you find references about this? I googled but found nothing for that specific number. From what I can tell, emotions last on average in minutes (not seconds nor hours). But not sure how many minutes. Perhaps it varies for different emotions or different intensities. I read that when people feel an emotion last longer, like a couple of hours, it may not be even rumination or things you yourself doing but merely the same emotion repeating. Imagine someone having to face school bullies the next day. Or having a major surgery with a lower likelihood of success. Throughout the day they may have repeated pangs of fear and anxiety, almost like a kind of spasm, coming and freezing you and then leg go again. Certainly rumination or catastrophizing can make it all worse and make it last much longer or to encourage more frequent cycling of the emotion. But the emotion may cycle on its own anyways, either because of past experience or because the thing you are afraid of is actually quite life threatening. But I'm not questioning that we ourselves can do things to make situation worse and add a lot to our suffering.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

When you aren't important to anyone but yourself, what keeps you fighting stubbornly on?...But I can't commit to life 100%. How do you commit?...Maybe I'm asking from the wrong side. What are the everyday things that really help you when you are feeling low? What lifts you? Eating really healthily? Exercise? Omega oils?...My sessions were the only place I could admit to the pain I felt and then there was no escaping it until I got to distract with work again....Have you ever felt that not harming yourself was 'as good as it gets'? How did you get past that?

It's funny or perhaps sad but when I saw the title, I thought this was a thread of mine. I have made similar threads on a few different forums when I was feeling really down. So initially I did not want to look because I feared triggering myself, depending on what I had written the time I felt down. But I saw lots of good advice here. From people relying on faith, to remaining alive for their pets or therapist, to trying to make it just through the day, to reminding themselves that moods pass if you are patient, to ground yourself like by yoga or exercise.

Personally I don't have an answer or practical suggestion. But your post reminded me of my own question before and my own feeling of not feeling cared for or not feeling that I matter. Reminding me of my thoughts that me caring for myself is very hard if I matter to nobody but myself (and even that is far from 100%). I thought about how many people must feel that way at some point in their lives. Depression is so common. It becomes a chore to do even small things. I have not brushed in a week. I sometimes don't shower for a whole week. It's a constant struggle, taking care of yourself takes time and energy. I don't know how I used to do it before. I don't know how others do it. I've tried medications over the years but still limping. This issue became magnified for me after I was traumatized following my sibling's psychiatric hospitalization. I could not deny the feelings any longer. There is something very indifferent and cruel about trauma that it seems to diminish everybody it touches, make people feel they are insignificant and that death and destruction is random and unpredictable and we are powerless in face of it.

But it got me thinking further as to why it mattered to me so much that I should matter to someone else? That person could die too. They too are human just like me. So what if somebody thinks I matter? But I think there is something to it. It's similar with faith. It's this idea of relating to some being outside ourselves, be it people or pets or God, whatever. Consider the two biggest religions: Muslims surrender and submit to God, stop trying to carry the world on their shoulders, and instead live life according to God's rules and for sake of God. Christians too surrender to God's will and talk about Christ living through them. They personify God even further and talk about God as the Father and the Son. Of God saving them. Oh how many of have at one point or another looked for a savior in someone, in a parent, in a romantic partner, in a doctor or therapist....

Whether we matter to God or to our family and friends or to our pets, it seems human life can not be lived solely for oneself. We are social, by nature. That's partly why putting someone in single-cell confinement is considered a kind of torture. That's why also I am making this post now, because I want to matter to you and I feel you matter to me. I don't know you and we are probably very different people but we all hurt. Whether someone attempts suicide or cuts herself or gets high and drunk or does binge eating or promiscuous sex, it may be that all share similar kind of painful feeling of not mattering to others or to the world. That whether we live or die, whether we are healthy or not, we are insignificant. That we are "just" some person, just some patient, just some worker, just some....

At some deep level perhaps it feels our ego is fragile. Our body is fragile. That like a flower stem in a storm, it can not withstand the pressures of life if its only reason it to bloom is for itself. I'm not saying that the flower does not matter without presence of other life forms that care for it. It matters regardless. But that sense of mattering to others is not going to be really felt, unless one feels actively cared for.

In my story the flower in a vase is regularly cared for but the flower has not felt it. Yet on this day, the lady of the house has come down in the rain to take her back inside and safe from the storm. As she sets the vase down, she casually caresses the flower petals and dries the leaves and collects the torn leaves lying by the stem and sighs and stares out the window. The flower who thought nobody cared for her now suddenly tears up and feels love pulsating through her leaves and petals, like sun shining from the very inside, its ruby petals coming to life all bright and lively, like a heart beating strongly and fearlessly against the thunder and lightning raging in the skies.

[Ambra]

Anger and hatred toward myself and really wanting to fight them and change. Daydreaming about a happier future life where I finally have peace. I can't die before I have finished my studies and told myself "I love you from the bottom of my heart" at least once, really meaning it.
And my T last time told me "I have no idea how you got over everything and turned into such a beautiful and hard working girl. You cannot see it now, but we will get there". Well I want to get there. That keeps me going

I don't glorify them.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

No I do not have other people and I suck at forming deep bonds. I have no idea how, and to be honest I don't even know if I want to find new people to form deep bonds with, I miss the ones I had and lost. I'm jaded. See - I can't commit and I'm not doing it on purpose, they're just my honest feelings.

I relate to this and I find the disappointment with my T intensifies these feelings. i am struggling with this a lot.

My dog, the child me, the prospect of getting another dog, and sometimes my T.