Being able to share...

I feel like crying EVERY NIGHT. I think I feel like crying most when I'm alone. It is like I keep it tamped down during the day (disordered eating, and other (illegal) bad habits) and at night it wiggles out of its bottle and grows, dancing in front of me, poking me, stabbing me if I ignore it. I take a pill to sleep bc my mind is not strong enough for combat with itself, and so the tears never get cried, they get poured back into the bottle to seep out into the night through repeated dreams of pain, persecution, and danger. They are never dealt with bc they are sourced from so many different pains and I can share none of them with my T and I am so tired. I wake up every morning feeling more wiped out than I can possibly explain bc my dreams have had me running, running, running all night long. Like I can never stop to breathe, not when I'm awake or asleep.

My T said that I am a very private person, and I honestly never viewed myself that way. I talk to everyone. But maybe I'm private about the things that truly matter, and that's why I'm still running.

Just cry. Are you unable to?

There is nothing wrong with crying. Cry when you need to.

If you can't cry, you first need to look at your liquid intake. It's possible that you are dehydrated and can't cry.

If that's not it, it's a mental block. Someone or something told you that crying is wrong. That's not true. Crying is normal and healthy.

It does does sound like you might a suffering from some sort of mood disorder. Could you print this out and show it to your T if you can't talk about it?

Oh I'm so sorry you feel like this.
It must be exhausting.
It does sound like you need to share these things that really matter, if you can. Even just a little bit might start a process for you.
My anti anxiety meds stop me crying, I literally can't. Might this be an issue for you?
Hugs xxxx

My t took me off my medication that was numbing me, I cried about everything for months and was feeling so many emotions. Then he slowly increased my new meds. I'm in a much better place now, having done all the raw grieving, it's now settled to a manageable level

I think you need to figure out how to talk about the things that matter. What's the point of therapy if you don't address that? I think you're anger and constant pushing of t's limits is kinda like my sh and suicidal thinking: it's easier to address that stuff than the stuff that really matters. Because the stuff that really matters is too vulnerable or too painful or too scary or whatever that keeps us from looking at it head on... just a thought.

I cry all the time I just don't talk about WHY I'm crying, so the reason remains and the tears keep coming

how about being pushy and insisting that you guys talk about it. Even if she doesn;t respond when you read it to her, bring it back to the topic and keep pushing until she responds? you're still paying her (well, insurance will be anyway) so you should be getting something other than frustration out of the sessions. MAKE it a priority (unless it's more of pushing her on kicking you out, then... I dunno)

What about even telling your T that you need to talk about the really hard stuff? And tell her you can't do it without help. My T expects me to run my sessions, but if I ask her to take over for awhile, she will. Tell your T that your anger and pushing at her is probably a cover up for the big stuff. Tell her about the illegal ways of coping and about the dreaming. I hope that doing something like that can help her to help you.

She expects me to run the sessions too, which is why we get nowhere. If i knew how to run my life I wouldn't need to be in therapy. If I give her free rein she wants to do energy exercises. without fail, which irritates me.

And if I'm not even conscious of the reason I'm crying? How do I talk about that? I tried naming it last session and couldn't, and she suggested that maybe my tears were anxiety re: fear of abandonment, that the fear of being abandoned is like a background app running in my brain ALL THE TIME so it's always influencing me and I'm unable to turn it off or remove the program. Like a virus.

Oh IRL... I know, I feel like I say it all the time, but I'm really sorry you're struggling and having a hard time.

So, I have alot of trouble talking in therapy too... especially about important stuff. One thing my T has brought up (and I think I've heard others reference too) is the issue of "safety".

I think there are some things that will ALWAYS be hard to talk about, just by their nature. But, I wonder about the difference between trying to talk to someone you feel SAFE with, versus someone you DON'T. I can't imagine feeling safe with your T at this point... given all the arguing and whatnot. Do you feel safe with her? If you want to keep seeing her, I wonder if that's something worth talking about (but I feel very hesitant to suggest it, given how badly some of the discussions with her have gone.)

I think, in your place, I'd be very tempted to go off and find someone (cheap!) who does "energy healing" or what not, outside of T. Do it, get your receipt, then come in and say, "look - my energy is all good today. See, I just had a pro energy healer work on it yesterday, and I got a clean bill of health for my energy field. There's nothing there you need to work on, so how about we do some therapy, eh?" But this is my inner brat

(Sorry the energy stuff still just makes me shake my head. I really don't see how she can be billing insurance for therapy if that's what she's doing.)

I was referring to the stuff you said you bring in to read but she ignores. Start with that stuff. start with teh stuff you know. start with the conversation around emotional safety in session. try to present it so she doesn't end up feeling accused, but definitely address it. Then go for the stuff you would rather tell her in writing. and if you feel like crying in therapy, try to ive yourself permission to do so, maybe it would start breaking down some of the walls? I agree that the mantra of abandonment fears seem constantly in the bg for you. maybe you need to try to push that aside for a while and take some risks (if you think you can do that with her) in dealing with the other stuff. If you can't, then what's the point in therapy with her right now?

IRL, I know you are really attached to your therapist, but I really wonder if it's time to go find another therapist with whom you can feel safe and who will do therapy that you need and want and can be invested in. I write all of the time that my last therapist terminated me suddenly, but what I never say is that I terminated with her first, and then decided that I couldn't do therapy with somebody else and wanted to stay with her, but she decided I was done. I am so thankful right now that she would not let me change my mind. I was really attached to her, but therapy with the new therapist has turned out to be a blessing. I think that energy healing has a place and can be very helpful, but not if it's not what you want.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I'm private as far as not being honest with emotions, I hold them in, and that hurts believe me. I sketch I paint, but I need to verbalize. Do you ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk