[Asiablue]

Well, I really outdid myself last night. I sent a flurry of angry texts to my therapist, I was angry because I asked her a question that she was being evasive on and then outright not replying to me ( cos texting/calling is for crisis only) and that just made me angrier, so I went for gold and told her I hated her, that me being furious was all her fault and I quit. - she still ignored me lol

This morning, I'm not angry anymore. I feel calmer than I have for 3 days. I don't even feel sorry for what I said, or guilty. I feel calm and relaxed and relief. Which is really unusual cos normally I'd be feeling awful for having been such a b-itch.

She knows I hate being ignored, that when she does it, it only enrages me. Why continue to do it?
I feel at peace about quitting. I've taken her number out my phone so that I can't contact her.

I was truly vile last night. A spoiled brat. Horrible. Yet I do not care an ounce today. I actually feel pretty good. What's going on? Normally I'd be crippled with guilt by now.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Asia, I have been in a vortex of muddle and despair lately so could well have missed an update on you situation, and if so I am truly sorry, but - I thought you had a good thing going with this T?? What has you so certain that you want to quit? Is it definite?

Did something happen in your session this week?

[HazelGirl]

I am not sure why you feel what you feel, but maybe journaling about it would help you understand.

She doesn't reply because she wants to be consistent. She's not going to give into your tantrums and your demands if she has already said no. It's a healthy thing to do and you insisting she change and do what she isn't comfortable with is a very unhealthy thing to do. I'm not saying you should feel bad, because therapy is the place to bring all that out and work on, but I do want to tell you that she stuck to her rules even when you pushed her to break them. Why does it make you so angry that she doesn't respond when you already know she won't?

[sweepy62]

I think you release pent up feelings In that text at your t , maybe that made you feel better. You know she is not going to respond as hazelgirl said.

It's something to talk about next session . I'm not liking my t ATM . I wish I could tell her that, and not have to go through the whole explaining why process.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[archipelago]

I don't know enough about you or your situation to really say, but I can comment on how things have worked with me to see if that has anything in it.

First of all, according to many and to my therapist too, anger is often considered the least acceptable emotion and people are often taught early to not express it or even have it. That can have very negative consequences since expression of anger is often tied to sense of self. So for me and others too, being able to have access to angry feelings and express them is a good sign, even if messy and uncomfortable and perhaps problematic.

When I have expressed anger toward my therapist, he usually accepts it in an understanding way and most often redirects it to probe the possibility that it is displaced from some other source, which turns out to be the case most of the time.

In psychoanalysis this is very common and considered a way of working through. The whole things is called an "enactment" because you end up in a conflict and possible impasse with the therapist that really stems from some earlier situation that is not yet resolved and isn't completely conscious.

Often expressions of anger and then the assertion of self with them can produce a sense of relief. Still I have never rested there because it has usually turned out that a next step of working through was now available and would produce a more thorough way of dealing with the emotions and issues. And I have found staying with it and going through that has led to a better result and an even stronger relationship as well as less of a tendency for that to happen.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Asia, I have been in a vortex of muddle and despair lately so could well have missed an update on you situation, and if so I am truly sorry, but - I thought you had a good thing going with this T?? What has you so certain that you want to quit? Is it definite?

Did something happen in your session this week?

I actually have a really good, patient, capable therapist. Anger doesn't phase her, I don't think. It feels like every week is up and down with me. I am really struggling with the closeness/attachment versus the limits of the relationship. I'm constantly reacting to it, in fear of it as well as trying to get thru the other trauma stuff at the same time.

I don't hate her. Sometimes I actually love her... or at least like her very much. Am I definite that I want to quit? No, Yes, Maybe... lol I'm so changeable. I'm just so tired of the up and down rollercoaster ride that is therapy. I am terrified of the attachment and I am overwhelmed with it all. I need a lot of outside support, on average once per week I speak to her outside session. What I really need is 2 sessions per week but I can't afford it, so that isn't an option.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am not sure why you feel what you feel, but maybe journaling about it would help you understand.

She doesn't reply because she wants to be consistent. She's not going to give into your tantrums and your demands if she has already said no. It's a healthy thing to do and you insisting she change and do what she isn't comfortable with is a very unhealthy thing to do. I'm not saying you should feel bad, because therapy is the place to bring all that out and work on, but I do want to tell you that she stuck to her rules even when you pushed her to break them. Why does it make you so angry that she doesn't respond when you already know she won't?

You're right, I pushed the boundaries. I hate them. Even tho I know they're there for good reason. What made me angry was I wasn't asking a therapy question, but it was about something she'd said at the end of my session and I didn't have time to process what she'd said to me, so I asked her to clarify. She was deliberately evasive, and it pissed me off. That kind of kicked everything off... and she basically put her foot down and said she wasn't replying anymore and she'd see me next week. O-M-G.... the rage I felt was unreal.

I know this makes me a brat. But it's like I have no self-control. She just closed the door on me.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by archipelago

I don't know enough about you or your situation to really say, but I can comment on how things have worked with me to see if that has anything in it.

First of all, according to many and to my therapist too, anger is often considered the least acceptable emotion and people are often taught early to not express it or even have it. That can have very negative consequences since expression of anger is often tied to sense of self. So for me and others too, being able to have access to angry feelings and express them is a good sign, even if messy and uncomfortable and perhaps problematic.

When I have expressed anger toward my therapist, he usually accepts it in an understanding way and most often redirects it to probe the possibility that it is displaced from some other source, which turns out to be the case most of the time.

In psychoanalysis this is very common and considered a way of working through. The whole things is called an "enactment" because you end up in a conflict and possible impasse with the therapist that really stems from some earlier situation that is not yet resolved and isn't completely conscious.

Often expressions of anger and then the assertion of self with them can produce a sense of relief. Still I have never rested there because it has usually turned out that a next step of working through was now available and would produce a more thorough way of dealing with the emotions and issues. And I have found staying with it and going through that has led to a better result and an even stronger relationship as well as less of a tendency for that to happen.

This rage isn't about her. I am irked by some things she's done but the volume of anger isn't about her or for her. I was never allowed to be angry when I was little. But you're right, it is messy and uncomfortable.

[Aloneandafraid]

Asia. I understand and I am going through exactly what you describe re attachment. I want more but she won't respond out of our 50 minutes a week. It upsets me but more recently it has really pissed me off. I just need a few words of acknowledgement and reassurance - like Hazelgirls T. If she would just be a little bit more attuned to me and not her rigorous stringent boundaries I would function so much better. It is as if she is reinforcing my worthlessness unless i pay to speak to her. Do you feel this?

I would love to get angry - it bubbles up but then I can't follow through in session!

Much love - thinking of you. Xx

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Asia. I understand and I am going through exactly what you describe re attachment. I want more but she won't respond out of our 50 minutes a week. It upsets me but more recently it has really pissed me off. I just need a few words of acknowledgement and reassurance - like Hazelgirls T. If she would just be a little bit more attuned to me and not her rigorous stringent boundaries I would function so much better. It is as if she is reinforcing my worthlessness unless i pay to speak to her. Do you feel this?

I would love to get angry - it bubbles up but then I can't follow through in session!

Much love - thinking of you. Xx

I struggle to show anger. Especially in session. My t would love me to get angry in session. But it always comes out in texts, like I need the safety of space to tell her important things and express important emotions. I can't do it face to face. The anger usually just ebbs away bythetime session comes.

I am lucky that she puts up with it and that she allows me to express things in a way I'm comfortable with but she'd much rather I did it in session. She allows me to text her but she won't do therapy via text messages and often she'll offer a call if she thinks I'm struggling. She's a really good T actually.

[HazelGirl]

There are times where I wish she wasn't available. Mostly when I'm angry or frustrated or scared and I don't want to tell her, but I know I should. But there are definitely times.

[JustShakey]

I know that feeling of wanting to be angry but having it disappear when it comes time for session. Had it happen so many times with previous T.
Last week after my missed appt I let it all go on H. It felt so good too - even more so because it was an appropriate target and I had no reason to feel bad afterwards.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I struggle to show anger. Especially in session. My t would love me to get angry in session. But it always comes out in texts, like I need the safety of space to tell her important things and express important emotions. I can't do it face to face. The anger usually just ebbs away bythetime session comes.

I am lucky that she puts up with it and that she allows me to express things in a way I'm comfortable with but she'd much rather I did it in session. She allows me to text her but she won't do therapy via text messages and often she'll offer a call if she thinks I'm struggling. She's a really good T actually.

I am exactly the same with regard to texting - I am unable to tell her face to face what I write in a text with regard to feelings. She has picked up on this and assures me it is okay to text although she won't reply. This is what I struggle with when I am really in need of support. She has super stringent boundaries and there is not way she will change. This reinforces the feelings that I am 'just' a client and only Her job - this really hurts. She has told me that we can never be friends and acknowledged that I need more support and says I missed out on this growing up. This is just so painful.

I also always want to make a good impression I think in session and make her happy! This is so stupid, I know.

I am feeling so angry this evening. I want so much to reach out to her but its pointless and embarrassing.

Thank you for this thread. I am sorry you are hurting but it is reassuring to know I am not totally alone with these feelings.

I too have such a hard time with letting myself feel let alone express anger. I have been really frustrated lately with therapy even though I have the best therapist in the world for me, I had to ask for a 2nd session this past week because of my whirling frustration and I wrote it all out and read it to her - crying the whole time - telling her i am frustrated with her, me, the therapy process in general, all of it, and that i was angry that she didn't have a notification plan in place that i've mentioned here on PC a bunch. Egad it was hard to tell her I was mad about that. Her response was as consistent as always and that in itself was very healing. I'm sorry you're going through this anger stuff too. It sucks. Hugs to you!

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

I also always want to make a good impression I think in session and make her happy! This is so stupid, I know.

:

Alone, I'm just learning lately that being nice to people is not always what makes them happy, it's not what they want. Take my H for example - I mentioned upthread that I let my anger at my missed session out at him Strangely, it actually seemed to make him happier. And his family *is* like that. They're always screaming at each other and falling out with each other. It's not healthy, but that's what he's used to. It makes him feel safe on some level.
Anyhoo, just really trying to say that being nice is not always the best way, and I think that's part of what our Ts try to teach us.

Incidentally, I did not tell H about my missed session, nor did I give any indication that my anger was related to therapy. It's just not a good idea to be vulnerable with someone who uses anger as a safety valve all the time.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I actually have a really good, patient, capable therapist. Anger doesn't phase her, I don't think. It feels like every week is up and down with me. I am really struggling with the closeness/attachment versus the limits of the relationship. I'm constantly reacting to it, in fear of it as well as trying to get thru the other trauma stuff at the same time.

I don't hate her. Sometimes I actually love her... or at least like her very much. Am I definite that I want to quit? No, Yes, Maybe... lol I'm so changeable. I'm just so tired of the up and down rollercoaster ride that is therapy. I am terrified of the attachment and I am overwhelmed with it all. I need a lot of outside support, on average once per week I speak to her outside session. What I really need is 2 sessions per week but I can't afford it, so that isn't an option.

Yes I'd thought you had a good 'un. Glad there's nothing gone wrong there in terms of how she's behaving..

Ugh, I hear you on the needing more sessions and it not being economically viable I wish I could suggest something helpful here. As it is, all I can say is you are definitely not alone in having needs that outstrip the amount of sessions you have.

[HazelGirl]

So...are you going to apologize and let her know you're not really quitting?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Well, I really outdid myself last night. I sent a flurry of angry texts to my therapist, I was angry because I asked her a question that she was being evasive on and then outright not replying to me ( cos texting/calling is for crisis only) and that just made me angrier, so I went for gold and told her I hated her, that me being furious was all her fault and I quit. - she still ignored me lol

This morning, I'm not angry anymore. I feel calmer than I have for 3 days. I don't even feel sorry for what I said, or guilty. I feel calm and relaxed and relief. Which is really unusual cos normally I'd be feeling awful for having been such a b-itch.

She knows I hate being ignored, that when she does it, it only enrages me. Why continue to do it?
I feel at peace about quitting. I've taken her number out my phone so that I can't contact her.

I was truly vile last night. A spoiled brat. Horrible. Yet I do not care an ounce today. I actually feel pretty good. What's going on? Normally I'd be crippled with guilt by now.

Could be catharsis.
And maybe she deserved it.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Well, I really outdid myself last night. I sent a flurry of angry texts to my therapist, I was angry because I asked her a question that she was being evasive on and then outright not replying to me ( cos texting/calling is for crisis only) and that just made me angrier, so I went for gold and told her I hated her, that me being furious was all her fault and I quit. - she still ignored me lol

This morning, I'm not angry anymore. I feel calmer than I have for 3 days. I don't even feel sorry for what I said, or guilty. I feel calm and relaxed and relief. Which is really unusual cos normally I'd be feeling awful for having been such a b-itch.

She knows I hate being ignored, that when she does it, it only enrages me. Why continue to do it?
I feel at peace about quitting. I've taken her number out my phone so that I can't contact her.

I was truly vile last night. A spoiled brat. Horrible. Yet I do not care an ounce today. I actually feel pretty good. What's going on? Normally I'd be crippled with guilt by now.

Maybe you feel like it serves her right for not being there when you needed her? Like F-her and her precious boundaries, you've been busting your asss in therapy, dredging up horrible feelings, paying her money you could put to much funner uses and she has the gall to go and ignore you??? WTF!?!

But...

From pretty much everything you've ever written about her she sounds like a keeper. It sounds like you've been doing good work together and like she cares a lot about you-- limitations inherent to the psychotherapy relationship notwithstanding. So maybe go back and have the experience of expressing your anger and not having the other person or your entire relationship fall apart?

[Lauliza]

I wish I could say something useful, but I do understand how frustrated you must be. Do you think you'll go back after you think about it for a while. If you do, maybe make a pact not to have her number so you can't text her when you feel the urge. There's little point in having the number if you can't use it, or use it only for one sided communications. For me that would be a tease, not helpful.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

So...are you going to apologize and let her know you're not really quitting?

What exactly am I apologising for?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

What exactly am I apologising for?

I guess for text-yelling at her? I don't know. I guess that would be something I would do?

I would apologize for saying "I hate you" when it wasn't how I felt toward her...

That being said my T has forbid me from apologizing...

[pheobe67]

Well if texting or calling is or crisis only what did you expect. In my country they only have the phone during work hours and are not allowed to reply via text as it's unprofessional. Throwing a tantrum because she was either busy or found it inappropriate to reply is plain bratty and when you are acting like that she should continue to ignore you. You're not meant to be reliant on your therapist it's unhealthy.

[moonlitsky]

Asiablue
It sounds like you are in great pain and your texts reflect that. I hope your therapist understands your hate in that moment. It's ok, and healthy, but not neat and tidy! Without hate there can be no love. I hope your therapist can understand that and knows that your texts are hopeful. To take a punitive stance, that you are badly behaved, would not be helpful. She is your therapist and you are allowed to attack her, to experience your hatred and rage. I just hope you can go back and see it can be survived. You sound like you are doing some good work. Hang in there. I know it's one hell if a roller coaster you are on. You don't have to apologise, although you may feel the need to do that. It's your therapists job to survive and to help you understand it.

Moon