How to Handle this Situation

I've already discussed this situation with my T, but she wasn't able to give me any helpful advice. I have a co-worker/friend who has recently become overly clingy and won't respect my boundaries no matter how many times I have laid them out for her. While she has not explicitly said that said that she has a crush on me, that is what it seems like to me. Her behavior towards me is making me very uncomfortable and has crossed my physical boundaries to the point where I feel unsafe. For several weeks now, I have told her, point blank, "Please do not touch me in any way. It makes me uncomfortable and I do not like it." Despite that, every time she sees me, she hugs me/touches me/ tries to cuddle me. Every time, I flinch, push her off, and say: "No. Remember, I asked you not to touch me. I do not like it. Please stop." The last time I saw her I was even so honest with her that I told her it has begun giving me nightmares. I keep dreaming that someone is on top of me and won't get off and I wake up gasping for air. I have also told her about having been the victim of unwanted touching in the past, which I have gone to therapy for. I truly cannot understand how or why she cannot understand or respect my "no touch" boundary. The last time I saw her, a few days ago, she and I were sitting next to one another in chairs in a public place. She lunged over, threw her arm directly across my chest, pulled me into her body, and attempted to full body cuddle me. I said: "no! stop! let me go!" and she refused to let go. I had to shake her off, while she said: "gee! You're worse than my husband!" (Yes, she is married to a man but says that she is not 100% heterosexual). She has also done weird things like walking in on me when I was in a dressing room and told me I had an "amazing body." She also just joined a group that I am a core member of for the sole reason that I am in it and now I am stuck with having to see her there. I also have to see her at meetings and other work events, and we have several friends in common, so I can't simply "never see her again." It just isn't possible.

I have decided to stop hanging out with her one-on-one but am unsure how best to communicate that to her. The last time I "confronted" her she started sobbing, fell to the ground in despair, made a HUGE scene, and told me that I had basically broken her heart. She is clearly very depressed and emotionally fragile and I'm not sure what she will when do I tell her I can't spend time with her 1:1. In her mind, I am her best friend-- even though I only consider her a a casual friend. I don't know how to get myself out of being her friend without making having to interact at work unbearable. I have tried to just be "busy" a lot but when I don't respond to her, she starts crazy texting me and asking if I am in the hospital or dead. The problem isn't that I don't know how to express myself or handle confrontation-- the problem is that I don't know how to do this while still maintaining the peace at work. She has latched on to other people at work before and, when they cut her off, she goes around telling everyone they are the devil and they have wronged her and makes their lives miserable. I don't want to be in that situation. But, at the same time, now that I feel physically unsafe around her, I have to do something. I can't even get her to stop touching me AT work! I'm afraid she is going to touch me in a meeting and then I'm going to say "don't touch me" and cause a scene-- and I'M going to look like the crazy one! How do I handle this?

If this is happening at work, it can be considered sexual harassment. At this point, my advice is to refuse to hang out with her, leave the group you're in together (hopefully she will leave and you can return soon without telling her), and report her to your boss.

I don't like confrontation either, but at this point, you have to be mean to her. I'm not exaggerating. That's the only way, in my opinion, that you can 're-set" the boundaries...

I cannot leave the group I am in. I am one of the two co-founders and I am in charge of the BIG project we are currently doing. Plus, I am incredibly passionate about the group. I've probably put in 100 hours to get this group off the ground. It's related to my career and it would damage my career significantly if I just dropped it, given that I started it, publicized it, and convinced several colleagues to join (NOT her!) She found out about it because of all the publicity I did, and joined without my knowledge.

I also probably should have mentioned that she is "above" me at work. It is very difficult for a junior faculty member to complain about a more senior faculty member. I am in an even worse position because, last year, I was being SEVERELY sexually harassed by a male colleague who harassed 4 other women before me. When I found out I was not the only one, I went (with the others) to the chair and I complained. He was ultimately fired. However, it would look like I was the problem if I suddenly complain about being harassed a second time-- even though it is clearly happening. As the most junior faculty member in the department, I just don't have the clout to file a second complaint without it likely damaging my career.

Mean how? What do I say? And how do I protect myself from retaliation at work?

I think that sometimes you need to realize that your own well-being is more important than your career.

Do you think that meeting with her privately to talk, outside of work, would help or make the situation worse? Maybe once she vents it would be over, and you can restate your boundaries to her? A tough situation.

I'm willing to stand up for myself, assert my boundaries, and end the friendship. But I'm not willing to throw in the towel on a group I've spent 2 years building from the ground up, ruin my chances at tenure, or ruin the possibility of being hired at a better University (which would also get me away from her!) I've worked SO HARD to be a professor by 29; I'm not willing to ruin all of that because someone is bothering me. If it were a matter of life or death or something, yes, that would come before my career. But I won't let this woman ruin my career and I don't think just "stepping away" is the best way to stand up for myself.

Normally I think meeting to talk with someone privately would be the right way to handle something like this. But, at this point, I'm honestly afraid to be alone with her. Every time I am, she uses it as an opportunity to touch me. Also, the last time I tried to talk to her about something she was doing that bothered me she had a panic attack and, since I was the only one there, I had to take care of her!

I would refuse to be around her alone and I would not feel it were necessary to explain why I would just be busy. I would just stop answering her calls and texts unless it's regarding work at work. I would treat her like an acquaintance or casual work friend. If you have someone trusted at work who has to go to the same meetings as you or in your group that could run interference for you such that you don't have to sit next to her or who could come to your rescue if you get cornered.

Perhaps you could get her angry at you about non work stuff so she will leave you alone...like if she complains about her H to you then you could take her Hs side... Or better yet introduce her to your least favorite person that she would have a lot in common with and perhaps they will hit it off and leave you alone.

I think you need to get angry at her... not nicely or politely asking her to stop, but give her a real verbal beating about it. And if that doesn't get her to back off, I would write her a very clear, direct email about how what she's doing is making you uncomfortable and that you think she has a crush on you. True or not, I bet she'll pull back just to prove she DOESN'T have a crush on you.

By privately I was thinking a Starbucks or some other public-place-away from work.

Maybe set up a time to talk to her by phone?
Let her say her piece, just listen even if she's off kilter, then reiterate the boundaries before the end of the call.

I hope it works out for you--I've had truly unstable coworkers I couldn't get away from in the past and it is so tricky.

There might be a part of you that wants this. What do you think about that? Have you attracted insecure women before???

Why are you worried about retaliation? (ive been there, this is not a judgemental question...).

Like I said, I HATE conflict, but in the end, sometimes ruffling feathers is the only way....

Thank-you ReadyToStop and Clementine K. Those are both really good ideas.

What has she done to make other people's lives miserable after they cut her off? Has it happened enough yet that it's starting to be a pattern? In what ways could she retaliate against you? That might help us formulate a better battle plan.

Honestly right now I'd like to come kick her in the face. This is seriously THE most annoying thing in the world to me. Who touches people after they are told no? I cannot stand this type of behavior. I am SO sorry.

There is NO part of me that wants this!!!!!!!! I may have been too "polite" in the way I said "no" because I don't like to ruffle feathers at work--- but it was NOT because any part of me wanted her attention! Her attention is making my skin crawl and giving me nightmares. She has done this to other people at work in the past. This is her pattern, not mine.

Without knowing the whole story, i'm afraid i'd have to say, "look", we can't talk/be friends/email/call...

It will break the fixation.
Sorry, no better advice. Just without knowing the whole story, being mean is the only way I know how to stop people who don't follow 'normal' boundary conventions.

It does work though...

I agree with this. I honestly don't know what I would do--I would probably be rude and just ignore her completely. If she tries to talk to you, use terse 1 word answer and walk away. The continual touching…ugh. That can't keep going on! I think you might have to eventually bring it up at work despite the fact that she is more senior to you. It is just not ok.

Then, seriously....be mean. that's the only way.
sorry, no better advice.

I do know that this works.

It's tricky on how to make yourself less "attractive" (not necessarily physically) to her without alienating others but perhaps finding away to not be so accommodating while introducing her to others who she may latch onto (obviously not someone you like)...might be the one two punch you need.

The other thing is that there are ways to "help" people without being personally involved. Like panic attacks...offer to call an ambulance... When she dramatically falls to the ground in despair... Suggest she gets a therapist or that you could call the ambulance for her so she could get the help she needs in a psych ward....
(I am not saying those things aren't legitimate problems for the vast majority of people but she seems to be a little over the top and it's a little convenient these things happen just when you telling her your boundaries...)

I hate to do things without being straightforward but there are people who will not listen to the words you say if it isn't what they want to hear.

I love the ambulance idea. I have panic disorder and have become non-functioning with panic in the past. I have yet to EVER fall to the ground from a panic attack. What. the. freaking. hell.

idk, Scorp. I tell you this from personal experience.

It's sad, but some who have your attention will develop a fixation and expectations of reciprocation that you aren't ready or willing o give.

If you put an end to the reciprocation, it stops then and there. It seems mean, but it's the only way....imo.

Ive done this before. He had followed me to meetings..it was so weird and ackward...then I was really rejecting, and it stopped. He was offended/upset, but things were better from there..

Thank-you pbutton. I really appreciate the support and anger on my behalf!

She has been in the department 15 years. I have only been there a few years. From what I've been told, she did something similar to 2 other women before me. There was another new female faculty hire who, being new and wanting to "fit in" and "make friends," quickly became her BFF. When she felt that my colleague was beginning to suffocate her, she politely asked her to back off. After awhile, she was much more blunt. Then, my colleague starting telling the senior faculty that this new hire was lazy, not relating well with students, not on top of her subject matter, and coming to her for help because she couldn't cut it on her own. Keep in mind this is a male-dominated department where, if you're a woman, you have to work twice as hard. When it came time for this woman to be up for tenure, this colleague fought against her. She got denied tenure and was asked to leave the department. I was also told that my colleague called this woman's husband and tried to make-up stuff like she was cheating or something like that. Again, I heard this second-hand so I don't know if it's true-- but I wouldn't put it past her.

In the other case, the woman was a senior colleague. She was in a better position to stand up for herself. However, she got fed up with the situation and asked to transfer to a cross-listed department. She got the transfer and has maintained her distance. I've seen them pass each other in the hallway-- it is ICE COLD. She still talks s--- about this woman all the time, says terrible things about this woman's marriage (which she couldn't possibly know about), and tries to make her look bad at any opportunity.

i think i would write her an email telling her to back off and explain how her behavior has been inappropriate--keeping it strictly about work--and then cc it to the personnel dept. make sure she knows it's been cc'ed to personnel i.e. don't blind cc. you aren't reporting her just letting PR know what you have communicated to her, so if she then tries to pull crap at work they will have your email already on file. i would explain/document in this email the incidents where she has inappropriately touched you and crossed your boundaries especially after you asked her not to. this woman is a problem and probably should be fired but i realize that may be difficult if she has tenure. you might even want to consult with a lawyer before doing anything. that would probably be your best course of action really. no matter how you handle this she will likely bad mouth you. sorry to say, but i have experienced that type socially and that is their m.o.

another thing you could do is go to the most senior person in your dept that you really trust and, not naming any names and very briefly explaining the situation, ask for their advice. i think if you try to handle this on your own on just a social level she will bad mouth you like crazy like she did the other woman and it might well affect your job. i think preventing that possibility by either an email or getting dept support and dealing with it professionally is a better way to protect yourself.

I really like to stay under the radar at work, because I had the crazy-office-lady latch onto me. I genuinely liked her, we had a lot in common, she made me laugh. She began to spread rumors about our co-workers making me complicit because she would always get caught talking about someone to ME. I began to distance myself from her outside of work, but maintained a friendly work camaraderie. She noticed my distance, turned against me, spread rumors about me, gave me the silent treatment at work and then got me WRITTEN UP for promoting a hostile work environment. I requested a promotion to get out of her department but we still worked in the same building. Pretty soon she found herself totally without friends at work, accused her supervisor of being prejudiced against her, and walked out on her job with no notice.

Wow, that was a really long thread hijack, I apologize. As I was alluding, if you make her too angry she can bring punitive action against you at work. If you don't want to report her for harassment you could try what was done to me. Her malicious rumors about your coworkers are promoting a hostile work environment. I would make triple sure I wrote down every occurrence, date, time, any witnesses, and the gist of the conversation. Once you have evidence take it to your supervisor or HR every single time. Having worked with her this long, they must know what she's like by now, and probably don't have just cause to discipline her.

This is tough, good luck to you!

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