[ScarletPimpernel]

I am making pretty good progress in therapy. On a typical day, my depression and anxiety are under control. My SUI thoughts aren't severe. I am able to keep myself busy and use my coping skills.

Then my fiance enters the picture... (Back story: been together 9 yrs, he locked me away in our house for 6 years, he's verbally and emotionally abusive, and earlier this year he broke my elbow...his family owns our house and our car.) I've heard many times: "Leave him; he won't change". It's a delicate situation and I'm trying to improve myself so that one day I can leave if I choose to.

But in terms of therapy, he keeps making things worse. He will sit there for 2 hours verbally attacking me until I mentally and physically fall apart. And then I'm either left with going to the hospital, going to a crisis house, or calling my T.

He even at times threatens to move me away, quit his job, so he can watch over me 24/7. He also goes back and forth between hating and loving my T and Pdoc. W/o him, I have no transportation to get to my appointments.

I keep getting better, and he keeps making me worse. My T and I have tried to come up with some coping skills: lock the bedroom door, call the crisis line, call 911, call her (my T), stay with my mom for a few nights, climb out the bedroom window, take anxiety meds, light a candle, sit by the window and be mindful. The problem is that I don't have full access to the house when he's yelling at me.

Well, it happened again tonight. This time was so bad I disassociated. I can't leave him, but he's so dangerous to my mental health.

Has anyone else had to deal with this or a similar situation? How do you cope when a loved one is a trigger?

If there's no advice, can I just ask for some support? I have to keep fighting to get better so I can become independent and get away from here.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have any advice - my situation is not remotely as difficult as yours, but the way I deal with my SO being a trigger is not to let him notice, and not to tell him that I'm in therapy. I understand that's not an option for you right now.

Where I live there are safe houses for people who are abused by their family members. Is there anything similar where you are? Would that be an option?

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have to keep fighting to get better so I can become independent and get away from here.

This is an important goal. Getting away might also be an important step in your process of recovery - I am sure you and your T have discussed that, though.

Thinking of you.

[iheartjacques]

My t gets frustrated with my husband. T builds me up and my husband tears me down. I know I have to make a decision. I'm just not ready for that yet.

It is very hard to leave these types of situations when the person has total control over you. It is very hard to get mentally healthy while living in an abusive situation.

Getting out of this relationship will take an extreme amount of courage but it can be done! Sending

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of abuse. One sentence did it for me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win."

Change that "can't " leave him, to you CHOOSE not to leave him You have all the power you need.

[kraken1851]

ScarletPimpernel, I'm not in a similar situation but just wanted to send some good thoughts and support your way!

One possible reason your fiance is sabotaging therapy is that he wants to keep you "under control." As long as you're "ill" and "unstable", you depend on him. If you change, it means something changes for him as well. But of course that's just one way of explaining/looking at it.

Stick to what you're doing and continue to work on becoming stronger!

Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have any experience of what you are going through. Hope things improve for you.

[HazelGirl]

Of course he attacks you. He doesn't love you, he wants to control you. Therapy makes you stronger. Therefore, he has to destroy you when you get home.

[JaneTennison1]

This doesn't seem like a loved one sabotaging therapy so much as an abuser trying to make sure T doesn't help you gain enough confidence to leave. I wouldn't be surprised if he stops taking you to T. I'm so sorry and hope you find the strength to leave.

Look at what you've already survived, what you are surviving. If that isn't proof of how powerful and strong you are then I don't know what is.

[Petra5ed]

Honest answer? You know you have to leave this guy. He's not a loved one, he's an abuser. People get "trapped" in these relationships, but just because you feel trapped doesn't mean you are. I was once with a man who made a 400K income a year to my 0$, and I felt helpless to leave his abusing cheating sorry sack of **** self. But one day he did just one more unforgivable thing and bough broke, and I did what it took. It was uncomfortable, but in the end it has made me 100 times more comfortable in my little miserable life.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I know it sounds like I'm simply making excuses when I give reasons as to why I CHOOSE () not to leave. There are so many factors involved that leaving could be just as damaging to me.

I've been homeless...in a homeless shelter. That was one of the worst times in my life. Wandering the streets during the day, no money, depending on others for everything.

I also have a sick dog...sick as in she has sores covering her whole body and after a year, the vet still hasn't figured out a way to treat it. I take care of her. She is my baby. No one is going to pay for her medications. My fiance can't take care of her on his own. And shelters don't allow dogs. Plus, I don't think I can survive w/o them. My dogs have saved me so many times.

I could go live with my mom. Problem is that it might be physically a safer environment, but it would actually be a worse environment for me mentally.

I was abused on a bus in my past and have panic attacks on public transportation now. My only access to my doctors is through my fiance.

But, you're 100% right: it's a choice. I'm just terrified of the consequences. Can I still survive with what I will lose? That's why right now I have to cope and somehow be able to care for myself.

And JaneT, I do love him...it's stupid, sad, pathetic, etc. And I do hate him. And yes, he could stop taking me to T, but he would suffer a lot of consequences for that from my T, Pdoc, primary, my mom, and probably even the police.

I just consider it sabotaging because he's the one who takes me to my appts. He's been letting me learn to drive again. He's allowing me to gain some independence and then he bteaks me down.

I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted. I just feel so trapped and alone sometimes. My T and Pdoc try to do everything they can to help me. I just wish the non-professionals in my life would be more supportive.

[precaryous]

My husband was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. He used to push me, hard, which I didn't know is against the law.

One morning I came home from working night shift at the hospital. I got our one year old daughter ready for the babysitter. My husband dropped her off at the sitter on his way to work. After they left, I found he had punched several holes in the bathroom wall. He says he did it because our daughter cried and woke him up. His comment was, "Would you rather i hit her!?"

I was frantic. I knew I had to leave him, and I did.

Anyway, I've been there. I know it isn't easy.

I hope your T is working with you to plan a safe escape. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they will help you leave safely.

1-800-799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Path to Safety

Do you have relatives, parents, brothers, sisters, aunts who will help you? Are you friends with any of your neighbors?

About being reliant on transportation to therapy: If you are disabled and on Medicare or Medicaid, your T can sign a paper that pays for a cab to bring you to therapy.

Please call the hotline. They would have more information about services and plans about safely leaving.

I wish you the best.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I forgot to add:
Last time I was in a crisis house, a counselor there told me this:

It is better to be respected than loved. If someone doesn't love you, but respects you, that is acceptable (i.e. doctors, coworkers, etc.) Not everyone is going to love you. But for someone to love you, but not respect you...the relationship isn't healthy.

I believe my fiance is in that last category. I do think he loves me, but he doesn't respect me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by precaryous

My husband was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. He used to push me, hard, which I didn't know is against the law.

One morning I came home from working night shift at the hospital. I got our one year old daughter ready for the babysitter. My husband dropped her off at the sitter on his way to work. After they left, I found he had punched several holes in the bathroom wall. He says he did it because our daughter cried and woke him up. His comment was, "Would you rather i hit her!?"

I was frantic. I knew I had to leave him, and I did.

Anyway, I've been there. I know it isn't easy.

I hope your T is working with you to plan a safe escape. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they will help you leave safely.

1-800-799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Path to Safety

Do you have relatives, parents, brothers, sisters, aunts who will help you? Are you friends with any of your neighbors?

About being reliant on transportation to therapy: If you are disabled and on Medicare or Medicaid, your T can sign a paper that pays for a cab to bring you to therapy.

Please call the hotline. They would have more information about services and plans about safely leaving.

I wish you the best.

I haven't called yet. I assumed it was more of a crisis line...but if they can help me try to make a plan then yeah, I'll definitely call. My fiance is in school every Thursday night, so I can call then w/o him knowing. Ty.

If your mom helping you is an option, have her take you to meet with an attorney and see what your rights are. If you have been living together for a lengthy period of time, you may have the right to palimony and a portion of the property. And, this may be over the top to some, but depending where you are in California, camping is an option. I had a friend who borrowed a tent and some other items, took her dogs and went to campground and stayed while leaving her abusive husband. She was able to file for divorce, and get him kicked out of the house, and then get maintenance (alimony).

I would rather live in a tent in a decent campground than lose my dogs or be in a homeless shelter.

[Lauliza]

Just remember that everyone here is on your side. I've never experienced exactly what youre going through and I'm so sorry you are in such a dire situation. You do have choices, you know that, you just have to be ready to make them. I'm sure he does love you(like you love him) but that doesn't mean it's a good relationship. There are many other people will love you, don't feel like there is only one person out there for you. You just need to build the skills and confidence you need to take steps to take care of yourself. Making phone calls are the best way to start. Other posters here have given great advice. I hope you fund the confidence and strength to leave him so that you can live the life you deserve.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

. . .I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted. I just feel so trapped and alone sometimes. My T and Pdoc try to do everything they can to help me. I just wish the non-professionals in my life would be more supportive.

No need to apologize! I think everyone would agree that you are very brave to speak out and ask for support. I truly do understand feeling as though you can't CHOOSE to leave right now. That doesn't mean that you aren't learning and storing up the skills you'll need to get out at some point. I think you are right on the money by saying, "he loves me but doesn't respect me." Keep that sentence in your head as you begin to make your plan for an escape into a new life.

PS I felt such tenderness hearing about your care of your sick dog. I had a dog (passed a year and half ago) who had terrible skin lesions. The only thing that worked for him was being totally taken off all meat and wheat products. It worked pretty well but boy was the dog food EXPENSIVE! I hope the vet is able to figure out the right combination for you pup.

[precaryous]

The link to the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline includes plans for safely leaving with your animals. They even say you can get a protective order that includes your pets in your state.

There are a lot of good ideas and plans on that website.

I love my dog, and I wouldn't want to leave her, either.

[NWgirl2013]

You "loved one" isn't just sabotaging therapy. He is sabotaging everything about you to keep you weak.

I believe you will get better, have more skill at managing your BPD and use what you know about yourself to take control and get as far away from this situation as possible. I think you have the power to do this, as hard and scary as it sounds. I hope you can speed this process up, IMHO that needs to happen for the sake of your child. What is she learning/seeing?

But you need help. Homelessness is not a good option for lots of reasons. You mentioned your mom being a problem too, but if you were to go there, could she do it for your child? Would you be able to work and your mom help with her? Would you be able to shut out the negative she might bring for a time while you work on your independence?
What help do you need exactly? Name them all. Then you can tackle each one in turn.
Safe Shelter
Restraining Order?
Therapy
Work?
Child Care?
Transportation?
Does your T understand how dire your circumstances are? Please consider another T if this one can't get you real help.
My heart goes out to you as you struggle to get out from under this terrible weight.
Please keep posting. Many here care and want you not just to survive, but you and your child to thrive...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

You "loved one" isn't just sabotaging therapy. He is sabotaging everything about you to keep you weak.

I believe you will get better, have more skill at managing your BPD and use what you know about yourself to take control and get as far away from this situation as possible. I think you have the power to do this, as hard and scary as it sounds. I hope you can speed this process up, IMHO that needs to happen for the sake of your child. What is she learning/seeing?

But you need help. Homelessness is not a good option for lots of reasons. You mentioned your mom being a problem too, but if you were to go there, could she do it for your child? Would you be able to work and your mom help with her? Would you be able to shut out the negative she might bring for a time while you work on your independence?
What help do you need exactly? Name them all. Then you can tackle each one in turn.
Safe Shelter
Restraining Order?
Therapy
Work?
Child Care?
Transportation?
Does your T understand how dire your circumstances are? Please consider another T if this one can't get you real help.
My heart goes out to you as you struggle to get out from under this terrible weight.
Please keep posting. Many here care and want you not just to survive, but you and your child to thrive...

I do need to figure out what my needs are. But I don't have any children....just furry children. If I had a child, the situation would be much more dire...but I would also have more resources (sadly). But I wouldn't want a child to witness all of this.

[HazelGirl]

I believe that you are strong enough to survive leaving. I believe you can, and I hope that you see that inner strength you have before it becomes too late. Don't marry him, it will only make things worse. You have survived hell before, and you CAN survive it again.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

No need to apologize! I think everyone would agree that you are very brave to speak out and ask for support. I truly do understand feeling as though you can't CHOOSE to leave right now. That doesn't mean that you aren't learning and storing up the skills you'll need to get out at some point. I think you are right on the money by saying, "he loves me but doesn't respect me." Keep that sentence in your head as you begin to make your plan for an escape into a new life.

PS I felt such tenderness hearing about your care of your sick dog. I had a dog (passed a year and half ago) who had terrible skin lesions. The only thing that worked for him was being totally taken off all meat and wheat products. It worked pretty well but boy was the dog food EXPENSIVE! I hope the vet is able to figure out the right combination for you pup.

Yeah. So far the vet has diagnosed her with hypothyroidism, ringworm, mrsa, and either atypical cushings or cushings (which is why nothing is killing the mrsa. When have been through so many meds and dog foods. She's on grain free food atm. She can only eat rarer meats (buffalo, duck, venison). She's even been to a dog dermatologist. Next we're going to try tea tree oil mixed in coconut oil. There's not many options left.

[HazelGirl]

Maybe your dog is incredibly stressed from the environment?

[JustShakey]

My H isn't as big of an ***** as your fiancée, but I know the feeling, that horrible trapped, helpless feeling
They are sad pathetic people, those men (and some women too I know ). The only way they know how to cope with themselves is to beat somebody else down. And they generally refuse to do anything to help themselves, preferring to blame anyone who'll let them.
Stay strong SP. Never give up on yourself. Remember you are so much stronger than your fiancée - you can face yourself while he cannot.

[Sabra]

Good morning,

I am sorry you are in this relationship. It sounds like you have an abuse bond with your fiance and those are very hard to break. The situation you are in is not black and white....there are a number of things that factor into it. The hope I have for you is the fact that you are talking about it. It is only after you lift the curtain of secrecy that you can even begin to consider leaving. I hear you being honest with your T and Pdoc......major first step.

You can start now by finding out about a women's shelter in your area. Perhaps if you have access to any funds, you can begin getting a stash together...it could be as small as $5 bucks a week. That will be your money which will psychologically give you a boost.

You are the only person to decide when you are strong enough to leave. We may have opinions, but you are living the reality. If you start making plans now, you can develop a plan to leave. The planning in and of itself will benefit you in several ways. First, it will give you you a sense of purpose. If you are making a plan, you don't have as much time to obsess over your situation. As you work on your plan, you are going to discover emotional and psychological strengths you didn't know you had. Resiliency matures as you make your plan and look to the future.

Regards,

Sabra