Upsetting LCM

Well two aren't consistent. One hasn't started yet. One is consistent and the last one is freelancing which is by definition inconsistent but pays great.

Idk if they didn't know or if it doesn't matter because the issues I've developed now are kinda bad enough to overshadow the good things.

Change isn't consistant for most people. You know what they say, hindsight is 20/20!

ps dismissing your progress can be a terrible habit. I do it all the time but I'm working on valuing what I have achieved and not dismissing it.

The drinking does stand out as a bad development but it is still early and with help you can tackle that too.

Only to develop a new problem

growli progress comes in waves, and you have achieved a lot over the last year. It is awesome to read!

I don't share too much about my drinking history, it got quite bad and I had a lot of shame about it. But you touched me. I can see your pain and your battle, and I wanted to offer you the support I received once. Its ok though you can tell me to bugger off too.

But I wanted to share this......my drinking was self harming, I just didn't realise it. You are lucky that you do realise right now. I have had many behaviours that my T suggests are other ways of self harming, I have one now that I struggle with daily. It is a battle, but I do believe at least now sober I can face this, my PTSD, trauma history and other issues.

I hope you can find the support you need, ASAP! A good T and support to stop your drinking will help you continue on with the great changes you have made.

I don't understand the frequent controversy with Growli's threads. Expecting someone who has such deeply rooted issues to implement advice and change is way out there, imo. Clearly, the internal motivation for self-destructive behaviour outweighs the motivation to not engage in it. You can't just 'decide' to change those motivations no matter how much you think you want to change. A person's sense of self and internalized object relations have to be completely transformed when issues are this deeply rooted.

The only thing I know that can change this is intensive psychoanalytic therapy. This stuff is so internally driven, that no external mechanisms will change anything except for brief actions. Even when that happens, the conflict is so powerful that unfortunately, the default will trump every time. The motivation to change has to precede the behaviors, not the other way around. You can't advise, coerce, or influence someone to change those powerful motivations.

I know everyone means well; I just don't get the nearly constant arguing. It seems pointless. These issues are extremely complex and cannot be changed in the manner in which people suggest.

Anyway, Growli, i hope you find a therapist who will believe in you. I do think you have a lot of potential to create a good life for yourself someday. Its not going to be easy, but you seem to be headed in the right direction.

Thank you.

Yeah, I tend to switch my self destructive behaviors pretty often- almost like I'm bored with this lets try stg new... I don't see drinking as that big of deal- but that's not saying it isn't. Just that they are far worse things you could be doing...
I really think at this point I'd just pick a T I could stand and go with him/her. You could still be looking for your TT. You do need help ASAP not to end up in a hospital. Plus, if I remember it correctly, you're on a dry floor...

I can't end up in a hospital again until I am financially independent or my parents will cut me off and they said that. I also can't just live in a hospital forever.

Yeah it's a dry floor but I have a lot of vodka in here so I just have to make sure my friend never comes in here.

About two hours ago, I saw something that made me think about LCM's reaction to finding out I killed myself while drunk and I can't stop crying. I need to sleep but I feel so guilty and I don't even know why this is hurting me so badly.

I would be thrilled if you said "sure" to this, but you are free to do what you feel you need to do:

My wish for you tonight--take one of those bottles of vodka and dump it or flush it. Then go get some sleep knowing that you are one step closer to your goals.

Every time you even think about drinking--it gets you one step closer to the hospital or worse back home. Or even worse, no LCM.

You kidding me? I actually bought this bottle and went embarrassingly far to get it at a cheaper price. Oh god LCM would kill me if she knew I actually combined picking it up with seeing her last.

Plus walking down the hall with 3/4 of a liter and then flushing it down the toilet? What if someone sees or hears or smells? I mean, I picked vodka because I like it and because it has little to no scent but pouring a liter into a toilet would absolutely make the stall smell pretty strongly for a long time. Plus I bought this one so no.

And I guess me being sent back to my parents' house would not be the worst because I would just immediately carry out whatever sui plans I have stored in the back of my mind so I'd be dead and wouldn't experience it.

Still want you to dump it.

If it was an ordeal to get it, then it is an even bigger success to dump it.

PC people may give you harsh feedback, but no one wants you to die.

I don't feel like they do...? Maybe I feel like some wouldn't care or would be grateful that I stopped posting but I wouldn't kill myself over it. I'd only do it because I want to.

Re: the vodka dumping

Just think about it for now

Not happening. It cost money.

I'd probably just replace it anyway so it would waste money

just consider it

You're wasting money anyway, by buying it in the first place.... it takes you further and further from your goals in so many ways.

Plus, what are you going to do once you get caught? You will get caught eventually.

And if you have to do things that are embarassing to get ahold of alcohol, well, that's just another sign that you really shouldn't bother.

You really don't need to add addiction to your list of things that are pulling you down...

You're just running so many extra risks for yourself with this new habit. You're risking ending up in the hospital due to alcohol poisoning, you're risking losing the money that your parents provide you with, you're risking getting kicked out of your dorm, you're risking your life as you said you feel more suicidal when you're drunk, you're risking your grades (hard to get your work done when you're properly drunk, also can affect memory), and you're slowing down your path to freedom.

Dumping it out might be a great way to sorta slap yourself in the face and go "aauuugh I really am wasting my money". And it's sorta a great big F U to your brain! (Ok, that sounds odd... I tell my brain to F off on a regular basis... I like to view things as Me Vs My Brain... haha... it works for me)

No I won't get caught.

It isn't embarrassing to just time when I buy it to when I am not downtown where the prices are nearly $10 higher.

Idk about the other risks. Could happen. Probably won't

I don't think dumping it would do any good anyway...you don't really know how to stop, nor do I think you want to stop (you are emotionally invested in it). Logical arguments about saving money won't change WHY you are doing it...it's a negative coping mechanism for all the pain you don't know how to deal with. It's very clear how much pain you are in when you drink too much and you post here, and I am sorry you are going through that. I truly hope you find a new TT ASAP and that you can learn some new healthier coping mechanisms (you won't be able to stop drinking until you have something else to replace it with).

The drinking seemed like a fairly new habit--that's why I think it isn't too late to just dump it. It didn't sound like an ingrained coping mechanism.

It is new but the negative coping skills isn't new