Upsetting LCM

I just think it needs to be replaced with something else before it can be let go of, hopefully something positive...it seems like more pain is coming to the surface these days. The more pain and the less support/ less useful coping mechanisms available, the harder it is to just get rid of something that one is becoming invested in...esp. to read the way the OP talks about it. Just my opinion.

So true, but the drinking is new so it might be easier to stop before it really turns into alcoholism .

Sorry to give you a hard time---again, it triggers me w/alchoholic parents. You really really really don't want alcoholism as a coping mechanism.

My dad was an alcoholic, so I get that completely...I hope I didn't upset you.

I agree with you, actually when it comes down to it.

Mom and stepdad are, and they are getting too old for it (not that there is a good age for it.) Falling down now means serious injury.

You didn't upset me. I am upset for young growli because I see a train wreck coming if things don't change. (Growli I say it because I don't want anything horrible to happen to you)

My dad started drinking more and more the sicker my mother became...she had MS and was diagnosed when I was a little girl (the primary progressive kind...so there was no good/bad days, it was all downhill). He stopped cold turkey when he got a DWI about 20 years ago, when I was in high school...I guess it was a wake-up call.

Growlithing...I do completely believe you can turn things around. I do think it's really hard to do so almost completely on your own (it sounds like you have just LCM on your side). Thus my hope that you find a great TT for you.

Growli-

Where do you think these self-destructive impulses come from? Not just drinking, but other behaviors.

Is it to relieve overwhelming emotion, punish yourself, destroy your introjected parent? What could it be?

It's such a serious trait because it can be so powerful--it completely contradicts the instinct for human survival that most people seem to have. I have this problem too and I hate it more than anything. I think mine comes from the introject.

In my own way, this is why I point out all the ways that things could go wrong, and how this new coping mechanism is taking growli further and further away from her end goal - being independent of her parents so she doesn't need to return to their home.

While I can't force anyone to do something healthy, (and growli has had pretty much everything imaginable suggested to her already), I can at least try to help point out the repurcusions of the new habit, which could help her control things if she was to choose and actively start trying to remind herself of the potential outcomes.

It was the only new sort of thing I could think of to attempt to help. Growli's chosen to dismiss them (you did right away btw growli) which is obviously her choice, but I suggested them because it's what I do and what my T has me do - when my thoughts turn nasty, I combat them with the possible ways that things could go that I don't want. Doesn't make the nasty thoughts go away, but it does help me not self-destruct.

I'm wondering if a part of you doesn't enjoy the idea of everyone trying to help, of the care that you get? Maybe I'm dead wrong but it seems like you post threads like this knowing full well what the response will be. Everyone here is trying to help, maybe it's too hard to accept that help right now. People have made wonderful suggestions, why not listen a bit?

I rarely post as I know you don't like advice but I had a brief story that I thought might interest you. You will probably think it won't apply to you but so did he.
I was at school studying music at your age. One day I was in an orchestra playing Haydns trumpet concerto. The soloist was one of the other students. Like all of us he partied and liked a drink to steady his nerves. This one night though he lost it on stage in front of a packed audience. He couldn't get the notes, he panicked it got worse. In the end we had to abandon the concerto half way through the first movement. He didn't get any more chances. Music is not a forgiving world. You have to be at the top of your game and whilst brass players are notorious for being the ones to have a drink over here go too far and your career will be over before you start.
I know you probably think this has nothing to do with you so feel free to ignore the post if you do.

Growli, you *will* get caught. It's just a matter of time. And if you were to stop posting I'd be worried about you, just so you know.
Please. There are loads better ways of coping than drinking.

I agree but also think the OP, or anyone with such a problem, has to be ready to stop. And It seems clear to me, Growlie, that you are just not ready. All of us at PC can encourage you till we're blue in the face (or get writer's cramp ), but you know exactly what you have to do. That's not the issue here, the issue is when are you going to do what you need to do. You've made great changes, but you have many more to make. And I get it that sometimes you need to go over and over the same thing, asking advice and getting upset until something clicks and
you just do it (I hope that's what happens for you). But a crucial part to this happening is having the right treatment providers in your life, and you don't have at right now. With three jobs and school I dont know how you'll fit a therapist in, but if means full recovery you may have to sacrifice something. What that something could be I don't know, but one thing is for sure about the state we live in- there are great resources for health care and especially mental health care. Even the state coverage for mental healh can be quite good. So it's available for
you, but you have to make that final choice to take that step and do it.

If I were playing the Haydn, I certainly wouldn't drink the night before. I would actually stop drinking the second it impacted my playing. Even if I were just late for rehearsal. He probably played too hard earlier in the day or the day before, had response problems, and then panicked. Or crashed the high part and got derailed. I don't know. Music is scary like that because you don't get a second chance and you can't rewind and take stuff back.

Well I'm not drinking tonight and I honestly feel a little weird about it

For whatever it's worth I just wanted to add a few thoughts. It may or may not be helpful to remember that the majority of the people who come to this forum are people who are also struggling with difficult and painful issues. I myself have physical and sexual abuse in my past and I too have chosen coping methods that aren't the most healthy. I think everyone who has posted on this thread has their own painful story to tell. Likely, things that they are still struggling with right now but they are still trying to be helpful to others. I think that people are posting here with a motivation of wanting to be helpful-helpful in ways that they know from their own personal experience. And, that's all we have. We aren't paid professionals. We are just trying to help from what we know from our own history and our own pain. Maybe some of those ways would not end up being helpful to Growli but they are made with that intent. Yes, perhaps there is frustration involved for some people here because of the outcome but there is also caring and there is also an attempt to lend a helping hand.

After reading several of these threads I think the question that comes to my mind repeatedly is-Growli, what are you hoping for with these threads? Are you hoping for a certain kind of response? Are you wanting people to just read your thread, a way of listening to you? Would you prefer that people not offer suggestions? Maybe you have already done this, I apologize if you have and I missed it, but maybe it would be more useful for you if you include what you would consider helpful for you. I know that you are going through a hard time and I think that people are really just wanting to be helpful and many of them are trying to be helpful while in pain themselves.

I wish everyone peace and happiness.

I'm not looking for anything in particular. I'm just lonely and think talking about it is valuable even if it leads to bickering about the subject. I think arguments when kept above the belt are a good thing that helps people challenge themselves. Maybe I sometimes feel like I'm being pushed too hard to magically solve all of my issues or judged by people. But I'm lonely and I like talking to people about real things.

I didn't drink today. Okay technically I still could but I know I'm not going to. I'm having pretty horrible body memories right now though so I took a PRN as it is prescribed. It isn't helping much with the pain but it is making me relax and sleepy.
But oh my god it hurts. It hasn't been this bad in a long time.

Good for you for not drinking.

So sorry for the body memories. Could you massage yourself wherever it hurts to see if that helps?

Uhhhhhh well considering where it hurts, I massaging it would essentially be masturbation and I worry that doing that right now accompanied with the body memories would blow it it a confusing and terrifying mess.

Warm bath maybe? Wrap up in a cozy blanket?

I'm so glad you're not drinking tonight, good for you And do keep posting, it is good to talk. I go silent and withdraw when I'm at my worst and that is so not a good thing. Being able to post and talk like you do is an invaluable skill and it'll stand to you. Even if you are arguing

Well, I got through the night, no drinks included. The PRN took the edge off and helped me sleep despite the pain.

Well, that sucks. I can see how masturbation would probably make things worse.

Hmm...what are some other things you can do or have done to help with body memories. Could something like a warm cloth on the area help? Or maybe a cold one? I know it's a sensitive area, but maybe the change in temperature might help?

Here's an article about some things you can do when body memories hit:
Dealing With Body Memories | a new place to stand

I think a warm cloth would be bad. But a cold one might be really good. I should find a cloth and put it in the fridge.

Growlithing
I wish I could come to Boston and take you home.
I think you're doing so well, and being so brave.
As Crimson said, a lot of us on here have coping techniques, and they're not always particularly healthy. Me included

Yes a cold cloth might be good. Those little gel packs that are kept in the fridge for bruises etc are great, cos they stay cold for ages.
Take care of you. Well done for not drinking.
Xxx

Go work out- that's what I do. Better to go to a gym and work out with some ppl than alone that way you won't overdo it. 2 hrs max.