Upsetting LCM

Yes, it is bad enough to deal with.

It's definitely worse because of the drinking. Here's how it works: you feel pain, so you run to alcohol. Over time, you start running to alcohol more and more to hide even more pain. And as a result you lower your tolerance of the pain. It feels like it is getting worse, but in reality your poor coping skills are making it harder to handle the pain without drinking.

I started on 1 or 2 glasses of wine a night.......tolerance goes up .....I needed more to get the same effects. At the same time my coping reduced, my depression deepened and my PTSD went over the edge.

I finished drinking 2+ bottles a night, or a litre of spirits. Not because I wanted to......I had to...to manage emotions. Unfortunately, as you expressed when intoxicated I lost impulse control and attempted taking my life a number of times.

Please growli.....this is important, and it is a problem. I know it is hard to hear. But you will only make changes when you are ready. At least get some more focused support for this in the meantime.

Growli, I'm going to be harsh here. I'm sorry, but you're not going to get better until you decide that you want to. You're going to have to stop the drinking and stop being stubborn about Ts. Pull yourself together enough to get out there and *really* ask for help, not sympathy and pity.
I know LCM cares deeply about you and worries about you. If she were a real T I very much doubt her feelings would be any different, but she would be trained to contain them. She would likely be telling you something along the lines of 'I can't help you if you refuse to help yourself and until you're willing to grow up and make that decision here's the door'. That's tough love.
Growli, there is no way you can be helped until you decide you truly *want* to be helped.

This is going to make people more convinced that I need help to address this right away. But trigger warning for suicide and CSA***

I actually really worry about attempting sui drunk. That's actually why I contacted LCM last night although I did not tell her that because I can't be hospitalized again. Sui thoughts and urges are common for me when I drink and it's a little concerning. I just get locked on thinking about sex and the CSA while I'm drunk. And the thing is that I can't really process feeling anything. I don't feel upset by the memories at all. The thoughts of the memories and the thoughts about consensual sex that I want to have someday bleed together in some weird and disturbing (often violent) sexual fantasy melting pot. But I'm drunk and I don't process any feelings about it except for having sui urges because of it. It's kind of creepy to think about after the drinks have worn off. If I were to attempt anything, I would do it without feeling upset because the thoughts and behaviors are present when I drink but the emotions are not.

Yes, I know this is a problem if for no other reason than that alone but I'm so scared of maybe being hospitalized or reverting to a different coping skill that I can't even tell LCM how bad it is. I also don't want to hurt her and I know that telling her that I drunkingly couldn't stop thinking about killing myself and absolutely have the resources to make at least a serious attempt would kill her. She would be a nervous wreck and it would completely break her heart just thinking that I was thinking about that but I know I owe it to her to talk to someone about it because if I actually did do something, it would hurt her even worse and she doesn't deserve that. She told me a while back that if I killed myself it would "mess her up forever". I really believe her. She does love me and on top of that, I know she would blame herself for it massively. Her life is hard enough as it is.

Plus my teachers and my friends and I really don't want to do that.

Then get help. Tomorrow. Find a local AA to go to while you search for a TT.

I do not think it would be helpful. I am extremely turned off to the idea of AA because I have read the 12 steps and I feel it is a religious institution and I think it is deplorable that something so clearly based in religion is something that is the first line of action is a treatment that requires religion.

Yes, I know people will argue that I can look at it in a secular way but I oppose it on principle. I know myself well enough to know that I would not be able to look past the fact that "god" is incorporated in most of the steps. I do not want to participate in something that is so blatantly exclusionary to people like myself. It won't happen unless I am forced to do it which I think is reprehensible and unconstitutional that people can go through a US court for a DUI or something and then be forced to partake in a group based on religious dogma that requires you to embrace religious dogma in order to work.

If AA works for other people, that's great. But it isn't something I'm going to do.

How about you realize that you need help, and even if it comes from something "religious" it's not going to kill you. You can look at it from a secular perspective. The only reason I say AA is because there are often many meetings all over the place where you can find one that works with your schedule fairly easily.

I tried forming a response to this but I can't do so without saying something that will definitely offend someone and probably result in a flame war with someone with conflicting world views and/or someone who benefited from AA. So I'm just gonna say thanks for the suggestion but it's never going to happen ever.

Know that there are other support group methods besides AA. Consider for example:

Women for Sobriety, Inc.

Self Help Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®

I have to say that I agree quite a bit with this.

You have a drinking problem amongst all of your other problems growli. It isn't solving your problems and you seem to be actively encouraging developing it into a new problem.

It is so sad that you have so much support from so many people on PC and you choose to ignore all suggestions that could help you. A good T would help you figure out why you you do this.

growli.....I did not use AA, I know many others who also have not and have found a great sobriety. There are other ways.......so stop using AA as an excuse to opt out.

Yep, that was harsh. It took someone being matter of fact and harsh with me (who also had been through what I was going through) for me to realise....****, I need to make some changes.

growli.....you will keep on getting the same **** as you are now if you keep doing the same ****. If you want things to change....you need to change what you are doing.

Find an addiction service. I don't know any, I live in another country to you, but surely there are some. Find one with peer support also, not just clinicians.....it makes a big difference IMHO.

Never ever in my experience did drinking make things better, it just kept me from moving forward to a place where I could begin to heal. Find your way, now, while you can.

I feel uncomfortable accepting suggestions because I feel uncomfortable letting anyone know that they mean anything to me unless I am super close to them. It's difficult to explain how A relates to B, but it somehow does. I feel awkward complimenting people and I feel like saying "good suggestion I will do it" is something complimentary. I do actually often do what people suggest but not without at a minimum at least making it appear like I'm dismissing it.

I do not know why I do this. I think it might be something like a disordered attachment issue that I've personalized. Or I could just be a ****. You can decide for yourself. I'm not completely sure.

I do this, too. It makes things hard because I feel bad complimenting people. It's the weirdest thing ever, and I can't rationalize it.

At least you hear what we're saying. I am glad you do, because I was beginning to think you were genuinely an extremely stubborn, set in your ways person.

I also feel bad never complimenting people because I know I seem like an asshole. I try to balance this by thanking people a lot but it just looks scattered.

Oh don't get me wrong. I am extremely stubborn. But I'm slightly less stubborn than I'm coming off. I'm coming off like a brick wall. I'm not a brick wall. Maybe more like semi rotting drywall.

I think we all have stubborn streaks. But yeah, you were definitely coming across as a brick wall, even though I know you didn't mean to.

I do the same thing with apologizing, too. I "make up" for not being able to compliment people with thanking them a ton. Or I will side step a real compliment and say "X, Y, Z really helped me" rather than "You are so good at x, y, z! I really appreciate your help!"

I haven't ever posted much on your threads, but I have followed them..

Everyone has given you top notch stellar advice and links and phone numbers, even people offering to make actual calls to T's in YOUR town.. I mean WOW ! All I have seen from you is excuses and lame reasons that "whatever offered" wont work.. You downplay your problems until your drunk posting and texting your LC.. Maybe you haven't hit bottom yet ? Maybe you enjoy the concern and compassion and the ability to seek sympathy? probably so, hell we all need to unload at times.

You and only You can take that first little step to feeling better by wanting more out of your life more than drinking your pains away, more than living in a dorm , wanting your own place so you dont have to go back "home" Dont you want more ? More of the good stuff? So you've gone through some horrible things? Everyone has there own "monsters" to deal with... Is it easy ..Nope, not really at first ..but as time ticks away it does get easier and your making positive changes in your life.

I really hope that one day you read a response or advice on here and just go do something besides thinking up reasons why you "cant"

Best wishes

I've been on PC a long time and I have noticed a change in growlithing's responses. She does listen to advice even though she may still need to work on saying "thanks, I'll consider it" but I have noticed changes so I hope she gets credit for that.

It does help, growlithing, when you let people know that you tried their advice (I know that you do try it) otherwise people get the impression that you are just saying "I can't"-they don't realize the work you have done.

Compared to a year ago, working two jobs is a big deal. Making active efforts to find a T are a big deal (maybe just set a deadline for yourself?) Having regular meetings with LCM are a big deal. Even seeing the crappy school intern is something.

I do share others' concern w/the alcohol. Mostly because my parents are "functional" alcoholics. It makes everything worse. I care, and I don't want to see you kicked out of school and living with your abusive family.

Can you set yourself a goal of meeting with 1 potential T for an interview in the next week?

I called all of the people that was suggested to me. The fact that all of them couldn't see me because of scheduling issues isn't a lame excuse. I'm still calling T's and I have gotten stuff set up at local offices to meet some. I'm not making excuses in that respect. Pointing out that still hasn't worked out yet and saying I'm making excuses feels like I'm being sent on a guilt trip.

Maybe I'm making excuses for drinking. I am. I mean the crux of the problem is that I get off on the feeling of self destructing. I genuinely deeply enjoy feeling like I'm slowly killing myself. I enjoy it in a poetic way and a sexual way if I'm going to be completely honest. I don't enjoy the feelings surrounding the memories I'm trying to escape, but I do enjoy the feeling of drinking and thinking about how badly I'm hurting myself by doing so. Maybe I just like taboo things. LCM thinks I get off on acting out my self hatred which is true.

And that isn't an excuse. It's a reason why it's difficult for me to quit doing dumb things. A reason is different from an excuse.

It sounds like it's similar to self-harming. Self-harming actually sounds safer than what you've been doing.

*trigger warning*

Cutting myself 2-3 times a day for 40 mins at a time trying to draw as much blood as possible vs 2-4 drinks 6 times a week I think cutting would be more dangerous in this context.

It depends. It might be more emotionally harmful to drink than to cut. But more physically harmful to cut in the way you are describing.

Well I called a bunch and I think I am going to have another intake next week. I need to call another that LCM wants.

13 months ago, I was fighting with people on PC that I can't get a driver's license. I got that a year ago. Also a year ago, I was having intense suicidal thoughts/urges while cutting deep and saying I didn't need to go inpatient. I did go to the hospital when it was clear I wouldn't survive if I didn't. Again, the same time last year, I said I can't stop cutting. It has been 11 months since I last cut. I also fought for months on PC that I didn't need a job/couldn't get one. I now actually work three. So don't think I'm dismissing everything. I'm just being obnoxious about it.

Slight tangent perhaps, but to me, "X, Y, Z really helped me" is a real compliment - in fact, that is the kind of compliment I try to give to people when they have done something to help me, because it is the kind of thing that would make me feel good to hear.

Three jobs! wow.
Those are all huge changes. I think people here just didn't know.