[Soccer mom]

I can't seem to put in words what I need from my T. I told her once that she wasn't very comforting, reassuring, etc. and she said she was sad I felt that way because that's the atmosphere she's supposed to be creating. We went round and round about reassurance and she finally said today that she realized I needed her to normalize what I'm going through and tell me it's all part of the process. Yes!

I told her I feel weird being close to her without hearing anything from her maybe because I pay her or that in any other relationship I would back off. she asked what I wanted to hear and I couldn't verbalize it. She said she can't reciprocate because it's supposed to be all about my feelings. She asked if I wanted her to share her feelings to level the playing field. I said I wasn't sure.

So, because I cry over this relationship with her, her not seeming to understand what I need, me not being able to articulate it, I've thought about seeing another T. to help me know how to talk to my current T. And, maybe in the process new T. will be more what I need. I'm really sad and will be devastated if that's what happens but I just don't know if I can take this anymore. And, if you ask what "this" is, I'm not sure. My general overall feelings for my T. that won't go away. And, then what are those feelings? I really can't figure out how to say them.

[Freewilled]

I just want to say I think I can relate....my needs are overwhelming to me. They aren't really about my T, but they settle there sometimes...I am in the middle of a neediness monsoon and without the ability to articulate it all to my T. I sat there tonight in the midst of fits of frustration and so embarrassed and fearing being misunderstood. And disappointed and deflated that I couldn't articulate it to him. I told him I don't like people seeing me like that...he thanked me for coming anyway and said he was glad I did. I know deep down in my heart my T is the right person for me right now. It's just so painful to feel my neediness and have few words. My T seems to understand more often than not....and that's all I think I can hope for at this point.

I'm not sure if finding someone else would fix it or not...it can't hurt to try. Then you could get a new perspective and maybe it would help you move forward more quickly. Does your T have a disclosed opinion on the matter?

[HazelGirl]

I don't think finding another T will solve this problem. I think that continuing to show up and try, week after week, until you figure it out will. It sucks and it takes time and it's uncomfortable, but I think that may be what's best for you.

[Soccer mom]

I haven't discussed seeing someone else with her. Part of me thinks I should and the other part thinks it doesn't matter whether I tell her or not. I think she would be disappointed if I didn't tell her first. But, I don't want to wait until next Thursday to deal with this.

[Leah123]

Learning to bear these feelings is part of growing into a stronger, healthier person. They won't kill you before next Thursday. They won't even make you miss work or your favorite TV shows, haha, though they will distract you and discomfit you. But that's okay, because they'll also be giving you an emotional workout, expanding the depth of your ability to feel and connect to others.

You don't need to take those feelings away. You can if you want to, but I think you'll be hindering the process instead of helping it. Consider the intensity motivation for your conscious and subconscious to resolve the situation with her, to become more articulate, to better connect with her, to get clear on what is now confusing.

I've found that pressure a great asset.

This isn't a test, and as much as you like to be in control and have all the answers, it's not mandatory... think about the old adage, admitting one's ignorance is the beginning of wisdom.

I've read somewhere...that you lose growth opportunities by bringing another person into your therapy....it triangulates the relationship. Most good Ts that will do a consultation will most likely tell you to discuss it with your current T.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I think seeing another T will only complicate matters more. For one, it's like starting therapy from the beginning. Two, why do you think you will be able to clarify your feelings for current T with a new T when you are struggling to do so with current T and on here? Three, like others have said, part of therapy is working through uncomfortableness and pain.

The feelings, which can't be defined atm, are there. There is no magic wand to take it away. Maybe it's time to accept that feelings exist, but start working on other issues. Maybe by processing other things with your T, you will be able to define your feelings better?

[Depletion]

As far as the reciprocation angle goes, I would say that it is true that T's can't reciprocate in the normal way, but they can be as dedicated the relationship as you are, and they can respond to your emotions with empathy, which is exactly what your friend does when she shares a similar experience with you. The difference is that T's only show the emotion of this similar experience, but leave the experience private. Empathy necessitates making a connection between your own experience, and the experience of another, so you can be sure that T's experiences are in the room, there supporting you. But she doesn't what you to get caught up in them, and feel like you need to take care of her, so she give you one of the greatest befits of empathy--her understanding. And it is knowing that that understanding is there that will help you open up more over time. If you cannot tell when your T is empathizing or that she is dedicated to the relationship, you might discuss this and try to lean how she shows these things. I suffered through a number of therapy relationships where those things were not there. I think seeing those things, and knowing that they are there is critical. I have told my T that I don't mind if she shows that pain that she feels in her face, as it is helpful for me to know that I'm having an effect on the other person. T's sometimes don't do this though because it can make clients feel uncomfortable. I think that you should talk with your T about these kinds of feelings, before you seek out help else where. I think that there is strong change that talking about empathy and dedication to the relationship could help you feel safer articulating, or exploring deeper feelings.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I think seeing another T will only complicate matters more. For one, it's like starting therapy from the beginning. Two, why do you think you will be able to clarify your feelings for current T with a new T when you are struggling to do so with current T and on here? Three, like others have said, part of therapy is working through uncomfortableness and pain.

The feelings, which can't be defined atm, are there. There is no magic wand to take it away. Maybe it's time to accept that feelings exist, but start working on other issues. Maybe by processing other things with your T, you will be able to define your feelings better?

I tried talking about other issues yesterday and my feelings kept coming up. I had the same thought. I told her we've mostly talked about my feelings towards her and it's time to talk about my mom.

I agree with the others that seeing another will only complicate things.
These feelings will go with you to your new t because these feelings/needs and wants are so deeply embedded in your psyche that they will always be there.
I think staying with your t and really working through them will be hard sometimes hurtful but in the long run you will be able to see what they are all about together.
I can understand why you wouldn't be able to tell your t how you really feel when she doesn't give you the response you want from her or perhaps you need from her.
I also hear some shame from you about these feelings. They are nothing to be ashamed about but maybe the response from your t made you feel ashamed because she wasn't very understanding.
Can I ask what kind of a team your t is? Cbt, psychodynamic, gestalt, psychoanalytical? Because their background and training makes a huge difference in how they handle these transference issues.
I find it very sad how ts handle this so wrong. I know they can't be our mothers but they can provide the love and support we never got, that we crave so much. It's a tough area but I think maybe if you asked your t is she is comfortable with transference and what's is her experience with it. Right now it is so important for you to feel safe and held by her

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I tried talking about other issues yesterday and my feelings kept coming up. I had the same thought. I told her we've mostly talked about my feelings towards her and it's time to talk about my mom.

My guess: right now, feelings wise, your T and mom are intertwined. Maybe try working on something else. Something easy/basic.

[Soccer mom]

I was so emotional this morning and last night. As the day progresses, I can feel my wall going up. By the time I get back in her office, it will be high and it will once again be hard to talk about my feelings/ needs. I may suggest if I can do one back to back session to see if I can be more emotional IN my session instead of afterwards. My H and I see her tomorrow night for our first marriage counselling. Who knows, I may end up crying then for the first time in front of her. This is the hardest and most frustrating thing I've been through!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I was so emotional this morning and last night. As the day progresses, I can feel my wall going up. By the time I get back in her office, it will be high and it will once again be hard to talk about my feelings/ needs. I may suggest if I can do one back to back session to see if I can be more emotional IN my session instead of afterwards. My H and I see her tomorrow night for our first marriage counselling. Who knows, I may end up crying then for the first time in front of her. This is the hardest and most frustrating thing I've been through!

Yep. That's therapy. Frustrating and overwhelming and scary and so much more.

And what's crazy is all we're doing is sitting in a room talking to another person. That's it. But it brings up all these emotions.