Can't get over Pdoc leaving

For about two years I had a psychiatrist who was so kind and helpful and would see me for an hour and I became very attached. He was like no one I'd ever met before and knew how to talk to me. It was the only time I did not feel alone. I carried his voice with me in my head because it was so comforting and helped me get through the days. I wasn't in love with him but I cared for him deeply because he is a good man and we connected. Then two years ago he moved on. I have been devastated ever since. I miss him so much and can no longer carry his comforting words with me because it's just repetition and it makes me sad and pathetic that I can never talk to him again. I feel like a loved one died. I can't tell anyone this because it is embarrassing to be so attached. I'm 48, fer cryin' out loud. I still cry about it and everyday think about what feels like a colossal loss in my life. I've never been able to afford a therapist and really need one but there is no way for that to happen. I'm on disability for bipolar disorder and there just aren't any programs for us here. The psychiatrist that took his place quit after I saw her a few times and only saw me for ten or fifteen minutes which was useless and she obviously didn't care. Now there is no replacement likely for her and nowadays they don't seem to talk to you anyway. There are no other psychiatrists in the area so we are all S.O.L. in this town.
Has anyone else lost a therapist or psychiatrist that they were attached to and how do you get over the grief when they leave?

I only got over my grief through a lot of tears and savoring the warm memories. I think the real key to recovering from grief, for me, anyway, is building more relationships, something to fill the void. Of course, we never have identical people in our lifes, so I do not mean trying to recreate what was lost, but rather, building new bridges to happiness.

Some places offer free therapy. Many other cities have a variety of free support groups. There are cheap limited therapy options online, like ones that give unlimited email and for $25 a week, or $200 for eight week programs.

Also, the shame you carry blocks your healing: if you are too embarrassed to feel how you do that you chose not to share it, the wound festers instead of draining.

Perhaps posting here or on grief forums can help, and I do think talking to someone in person is important. I don't think your upset is shameful at all- please keep in mind, you haven't killed anyone or committed any other type of offense, you're simply heartbroken over losing someone who took the time to help and understand you and that's normal and human.

My Pdoc left his practice 7 years ago. He gave me months notice and referred me to my current Pdoc. But to this day, I'm afraid of being abandoned by my current Pdoc. I was devastated when he left and do not take for granted my current Pdoc. I got over the loss by slowly allowing my current Pdoc in.

Mine left last week. I was extremely upset and cried for 4 hours that night. I learned to get over it because other people can be better. Remember his voice and touch, that always comforts me.

"I don't think your upset is shameful at all- please keep in mind, you haven't killed anyone or committed any other type of offense, you're simply heartbroken over losing someone who took the time to help and understand you and that's normal and human."

Thank you Leah123, this is true and it helps.
Thanks for the replies Chroniccryer and mxk564. I guess I'm not alone. It's weird to have said my feelings now for the first time but I have been lurking on this forum for awhile and people mostly leave such thoughtful and compassionate replies that I thought I could risk it.

My last T transferred. She worked for the county, and another company bought all of the north county's mental health facilities. My T had the option of working for the new company or transferring to south county. I saw her for 4 years and we had just started a trial period of termination. When she found out, she told me right away and allowed me to go back to weekly sessions until her last day.

The loss of her hurt so much. My life slowly began to fall apart after she left. That is the beginning of how I wound up locking myself in the house for 6 years.

I do have minimal contact with her now. I'm allowed to email once a year (she usually responds a month or two later). But emotionally, she's not the same person she was. I still grieve the loss of her and it's been 9 years.

There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Your Pdoc was important to you and has left a lasting positive impression on you. I don't know if the grief ever fully goes away. But it does get easier.

Thanks Scarlet, that sounds really hard what you went through. Funny how attached we can get and then it just ends and it becomes inappropriate to have contact. I guess they wouldn't want all their ex-patients clinging to their pantlegs so it's in their best interests to use the guillotine.

I totally get what you're saying, but I can also say, the feeling does lessen over time. My first therapist told me eight months into our work together that she would be retiring in six months and leaving the state. I remember sitting in shock, my entire body shaking so hard I could barely remain sitting up (I was in a pretty bad place when she told me emotionally). It's ten years later and I have moved on. I still think of her with fondness, but the picture of her in my mind has faded and I can't remember her voice. But I can still think of little things that happened between us during the time we were together and they are very precious memories.

One thing I did do was seek out a new therapist. I had to go through a number of therapist before I found someone new I could connect with. I do feel that the new connection helped me mourn and then move on from my feelings regarding my initial therapist. Engaging in a new therapeutic relationship helped to teach me that letting go is okay . . . painful at times, but something I could handle emotionally. I learned a lot from her and I have a feeling from what you've said about your psychiatrist, you learned a lot from him due to his interest, compassion and gentle empathy. Those things will never leave you, even as the tone of his voice leaves.

There are low-income or free programs for emotional support. Many churches now have therapists who donate time at a free cost or low sliding fee. Call a local advocacy agency--in New York the Center for Independent Living was a great resource of what was available for people with a disability. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) is another great resource for what's available. I think you were actually very lucky to find a psychiatrist who also did therapy because in the United States, that's not the norm. They usually only give clients a 10 to 15 minute "med check" and then out the door you go. I hope you find someone to give you the help you need.

Good to hear from you Jaybird. I'm glad you were able to work through your feelings with a therapist, it sounds intense. Yes, I was lucky my guy was sort of old school and took the time to talk. I live in the wilderness and it takes a day to get to the nearest town and then you have to stay overnight in a hotel to go home the next day so I don't have many resources and the nearest town has no psychiatrist anymore. So I'll have to get through it on my own but hearing from all of you has been enlightening and I don't feel so freakish anymore. Anyone else I know would get over such feelings or not have become so attached in the first place so I feel stoopid and childish and never tell anyone of my sadness. But, of course, these people are not bipolar and can regulate their emotions better so maybe I shouldn't compare.
Bedtime, good night.