My T is Wrong

***Possible trigger? Not sure.

My T says things along the lines of she knows that people care about me or would want to be there for me. This is despite the fact that she doesn't know 99% of the people in my life. How could she know what their opinions of me are?

And this is coming from someone I pay. I don't like dishonesty and I have asked her many times to be honest with me, and I don't think she's necessarily lying, but I don't think she's being totally truthful, either, regarding her opinion or the opinions she thinks others have. It has to be biased because of the money, right? She wouldn't say something like "I don't find you a very likeable person" or "I could see how others might have a problem with you" to someone who is giving her money, even if it was true. I know I wouldn't!

And the actions of other people make me believe that she is wrong. Other people say that they care about me, but none of them actually demonstrate that they do. None of them speak to me unless I start a conversation. None of them reach out to me even if they know I'm struggling. None of them take time out of their lives to spend any time with me, even if I ask them to. None of them invite me anywhere to do anything with them. There are more reasons, too.

Even if they claim to, they don't actually care. And I have spent several years deluding myself because they occasionally stated that they cared about me. No they don't. None of them do.

I was abused as a child because I was awful and unlikeable. I was bullied and teased as a child for the same reason. And I am ignored and lied to by everyone for the same reason. I wish people stopped telling me what they think I wanted to hear and started just telling me the truth. I hate myself and I am sure everyone else hates me, too.

My T is wrong.

Go eat some chocolate and nuts, now. Well not if you have an allergy. But you need some magnesium!!

???
Where did you come up with that?

Who dares to question the great and all powerful hankster??!

I'm just really confused right now.

Are you trying to be funny? I'm not very good at jokes. I miss a lot of them if they're not obvious.

I think it's grandiose to assume to know the motivations of strangers for sure. She can speculate but there is no certainty.

I understand how it feels to have many of the people in your life lie to you. It has happened to me. There is no telling why people don't include you. I'm sorry your life has not improved over the years. You've unfortunately met many unsupportive people. I wish I could offer you more but if your T says she thinks people care about you maybe its because SHE cares about you and wants to be there for you. Maybe that's just her round about way of conveying HER feelings. I agree that she couldn't possibly know how other people in your life feel about you. It sounds like she is trying to make you feel better because SHE cares. I hope that is the case. I hope your T cares and wants to be there for you. I hope you can find other people who will care about you.

I dont always post from a purely rational place. I just posted what i felt you needed. Chocolate and a hug. I do like you.

Oh. I'm way too logical for that unless you explain yourself, especially when I'm in this type of mindset. Sorry.

I don't think so, either. And it makes me really upset that instead of listening, she insists that other people like me or care about me.

I don't know. I feel like I can't trust anyone's words because too many people have lied to me. I don't know if anyone is ever telling the truth.

What triggered this?

Do you talk about the people in your life?

How do you determine that she is not being "totally truthful" with you (besides the money)?

A good therapist would tell you the truth no matter what. Therapy isn't supposed to be untruthful. It is supposed to help you discover who you are so that you can grow and live a more content life. The therapeutic relationship can definitely mess that up at times but don't let that discourage you.

A lot of people don't know how to respond to people with mental health issues. So-called friends even disappear. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory. It is possible to find loyal and real friends again.

Are you asking for constructive criticism or for people to continue verbally abusing you to reinforce your beliefs? I'm not trying to be mean I just don't understand what you are asking.

I'm sorry you're going through this because I can totally relate. Last year I got very upset with my T because he said "nice" things to me. He told me that he was worried about me and that he cared about me. It was at the end of the session and I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything-I just smiled and nodded and left. Afterwards I was very hurt and mad and kept thinking "Why would he say that? Why would he lie?"

It took months for me to tell him what I was really thinking and he was so surprised that those words would hurt me. I told him that it's not genuine and he only says nice things because I pay him. He told me that wasn't the case at all. When I'm feeling down and lonely the thoughts creep in that he was lying, but I try to remember that what we pay for is their time. All that is required of them is 45-60 minutes and professionalism. They aren't required to say nice things, and if they do, it's because they feel it's true. Your T doesn't know those people, so maybe she isn't right, but that doesn't make *her* thoughts and connection with you any less true.

What triggered this is that for the thousandth time, people have completely ignored me and excluded me. People that I thought were friends of mine have yet again showed me by their actions that I don't matter to them.

I don't know that she isn't being truthful. At the least, though, she is clueless and coming to conclusions she knows nothing about. How could or would she know whether anyone thought positively or negatively of me? She can't. She doesn't know these people and she doesn't know how they treat me.

It's not the mental illness aspect. I wish it was. That would be easier to explain. But many of these people have admitted to dealing with their own mental illness. It's definitely not something I can blame on that.

And I don't know what I want. I want to vent, I want to somehow express how I am feeling, which is absolutely horrible right now. And I want to get it out rather than continuing to keep it inside.

*Trigger*

I spent an hour cutting horrible words into myself this afternoon and then fell I to an exhausted sleep for about an hour, which is something I only do when I am at the end of my ability to tolerate life. My brain shuts down and I sleep for an hour or two.

But it doesn't matter what she thinks. She may genuinely think I'm a good person, but even that is subconsciously driven by the fact that I pay her money, I'm sure. You can't separate out someone's monetary contribution when it comes to your reaction to them. That's not how this world works.

And if she's the only person who cares about me and I have to pay her in order to get that, I would prefer to be rejected and abandoned even by her.

I think believing that my therapist really cares about me since I pay him has been one of the most difficult things I have had to wrestle with in therapy. Also, my therapist didn't really get how alone I was until I explicitly laid out how few friends and family I had for support. If he had still tried to tell me how much love and support I had after that talk, I would have felt very upset because she didn't listen or show understanding of my feelings.

Lastly, I know it's hard to believe, but you, or you're "badness" didn't cause your abuse or others to bully you. Other people made bad choices that hurt you and that is a reflection of them, not any reflection of your inherent worth now or then.

I have not been very honest about how alone I feel. I feel too ashamed by it and too afraid that she will see me as bad, too. I don't want to tell her that I have all these people around me, but no one I feel like I can turn to.

If it was just one or two people, or just one period of my life where that type of thing happened, I could see blaming it on others. But when it's everyone, throughout my whole life, I can't blame it on anyone else. At some point, I have to wake up and see that the common denominator in all these situations is me, and that I must be contributing to it somehow.

It sounds like you are in a very, very sad and lonely place. I would hope that your therapist would help you process your feelings of shame and offer you her assurance that no matter what happens, she knows that you are not bad nor did you cause the abuse or any other traumas that have happened to you. I understand the pain of being rejected by what feels like everyone around me. The pain is almost unbearable. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much today.

JD

I have realized a therapist doesn't ever get to know the whole story, because they see you in only one context, their office. My therapist will only really get to know me if we interacted outside that environment and without the power difference, but that is never ever going to happen. Realizing this can be painful.

Is therapy confusing you?

I honestly don't really care what she thinks right now. It doesn't matter to me. I want to quit therapy and quit everything else and curl up and die. And I know that's not something I'm "supposed to" say, but I don't really care about that, either.

No, I think you're sort of off focus. Therapy itself isn't confusing. It's everyone and everything else outside of therapy that is confusing. And it all made sense in my own perspective before. I am bad and what little crumbs of kindness I receive from others, I better be happy about because I don't even deserve those. And everything worked from that perspective. But my T keeps insisting that's not how people see me, but every time I even dare to hope it's any different, I am quickly reminded that it's not. My T is wrong. Everyone barely tolerates me and I should go back to being happy that they don't openly mock me.

Okay. If it's everyone else then why did you mention your therapist? Is it threatening to know that people care?

No, what I was saying was that my T insists that other people care about me. And she is wrong.

Why even talk about any of this? It doesn't matter anyway. It's a waste of your time. I will shut up now.

You wrote this awhile ago on another person's thread and I think maybe it would help you as well:

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is self care and self compassion. It happens to all of us. Slipping back is part of the journey.

I might be wrong but I think you've had similar feelings before....I understand the issues are slightly different...or the triggers but I think you may be being your own worst enemy right now.

This isn't a waste of my time. You are hurting. Usually you are upbeat and offering support to others so I was a bit surprised especially about the self-injury.


So everybody is wrong and you are right about being bad? What if you are wrong?

If the old perspective worked for you why give it up?