What would make you feel a T genuinely cares for you or loves you?

I often question how uniquely cared about I am... I'm of the impression my therapist is a caring guy, he probably has cared about many people. With that being said, so have I. Haha! Anyways, he told me he cares, but really I feel it the most in his eye contact. He has these "**** me" eyes. That's probably the wrong thing to say here but whatever.

By the way, somebody said above that a T is more like an elementary school teacher than a university teacher - to me, the opposite is true. I am a teacher at university, and I do care about my students; not to the point where I worry about them between classes, normally, but then again I don't know their personal problems (at least not in most cases!) But I am always sad when a group leaves, even though I only see them once a week for maybe 7 or 10 weeks.

I see a lot of posts saying that people don't feel like their T cares about them...

If I look at my other relationships in my life, each person shows they care in a different way.

My older sister: I'm allowed in her house, says hi to me, and invites me to all her selling parties (candles, charms, etc.)

My Pdoc: she smiles, she hand-wrote treatment goals, hugs, goes over time.

An ex-payee: let me spend time with her, smiles, hugs, let me hold her hand when she cried.

It is different for each person.

Hmm...maybe ya'll should read The Five Love Languages. It helps identify the different ways people show love...but it will also show how different people care in different ways.

I looked at the "Five Love Languages". I felt a little excluded, because nothing in there applied to my life at all, but I don't think it's actually based on research - it's simply what the authors have noticed, based on their own experiences. Which are much greater and more exhaustive than my limited experience, needless to say, but still not applicable to everybody.

well. today, my t noticed i wasn't on the schedule for my usual time - i hadn't realized i wasn't scheduled either! he sent me an email this morning telling me he noticed and that he moved an appointment so that i could come in at my regular time (which is later today). he didn't even know if i'd planned on not being there - he figured he'd just get done early if i wasn't coming in.

i feel like my t really cares about me right now

i just remembered something else. one time when i still saw t in person, i was running late because i got stuck in traffic and when i tried to get my cell phone out of my purse to call her and let her know, i fumbled it and dropped it on the floor, figured I would be even later if I pulled over and stopped the car to get it, than i would be if i just kept driving. so when i got there a couple minutes late she was just opening the outer door sticking her head outside looking for me. she said she was worried. that made me feel cared for because i wasn't all THAT late, just a little. But I was always, always early except for that one time.

I am not sure about this. As a guy with trust issues I often lean to the 'they dont care anyway' line of thinking. The prescription appointments [every 3 months] with the shrink are plainly in nothing special area. The Councillor [T] is hard to work out. I honestly never saw or felt anything to suggest she does. I think if some one does care a lot or love us we would fell it when we see them. That is my thinking anyway.

Just wanted to make one comment about the book The Five Love Languages: it is written towards couples/marriages. But it can be applied to all relationships. And I'm not suggesting the book for its concepts of having better relationships, I'm suggesting it because it breaks down how people show care/love.

How some people show care/love, yes. Not how all people do it. (Maybe it is very culturally specific, I don't know.)

For me it isn't that they don't/can't care. They may care, but when the therapy relationship ends it's over. The caring might still be there, but the relationship is over and it's painful if it ends very badly.

My old therapist did and said A LOT of the things you all mention in this thread and I did believe he cared, but the way he ended things has made me really wonder and the way he has acted after as I have tried to work things out with him. He seems so cold and unfeeling and uncaring now. I have ended up in much worse shape and much more damaged and confused and unsure of anything in life. I think at the end of the day we should learn that we can only depend on ourselves really. Trust no one. It's much less painful that way.

I agree with this. I think student/ teacher and therapist/ client relationships are very similar. They really do care and it's not fake, but it's not the same as a personal relationship.

One way I know my T cares is she offered to not "supervise" me (she can't) when I finish graduate school, but to provide ongoing therapy/ mentoring/ guidance as I get more into my career. She'll still get paid but its also a way to keep the relationship going since my need for therapy is becoming less and less. She's always booked months in advance, so she can always find another client.

My pdoc shows he cares by accommodating my need for a same day appointment and at other times squeezing me in when I'm so late that I missed our appointment. He has also seen me after hours. All that says they care in my eyes. It helps that I rarely ask for or expect these things, so it's a give and take. I don't have conversations about how much they like me, but that's just not my style. I would feel awkward since from my perspective it's not that kind of relationship. Even with friends I'm not overly demonstrative so I'm not always telling them how I feel about them, they know because I make an effort and so do they for me. People will go the extra mile when they care about others, whether they're family, friends, co workers, clients, etc.

Stopdog, I know very little about you but since I've joined the forum I see you consistently reject the possibility or importance of being cared for in therapy. I imagine it's something to do with you having been hurt in the past because I can not imagine how one can make meaningful progress in therapy without feeling cared for.

Btw, I hope this did not sound too critical of you. I just really think that feeling the care is big part of how people can get to heal emotional scars. And it starts in therapy. But to feel care, does not mean it has to be a black and white thing. I don't think this is about like parental love or romantic love or thing like that. This is a professional relationship and the person is getting paid to provide a service. But a good therapist actually does care for clients. And I personally think it's important to be able to feel it.

It was no illusions, Lunatic Soul, I was the teacher's pet.

I only speak for myself and how it works for me. It is okay with me that others cannot imagine how therapy works for me. The fact someone else cannot imagine it has no bearing on how I conduct therapy at all. Imagining based upon your own way of viewing the world why I do or do not do something usually ends up being incorrect in terms of the reason why I actually do or do not do something.
If others want therapists who care, then I hope they find them.

could it be possible that it is because of his own ethical choices? like he decided he would be really neutral on this..

I've read the five love languages....not really sure how it applies to the T/Clt relationship, other than people show love in different ways.....but with a T it's all pretty professional, IMO. Yeah, maybe they care on some level, but I dunno. It's hard for me to stay with that idea for very long.

I once saw tears in her eyes.

Last post about the book. If someone doesn't understand...oh, well.

Topics
Falling In Love: Can learn the difference from obsession and love.
Words of Affirmation: I guarantee most, if not all Ts do this.
Quality Time: Again, I'm sure most of the time in session is quality time.
Receiving Gifts: The Gift of Self (Physical presence in the time of crisis)...some Ts do this.
Acts of Service: Yeah, again most Ts do this.
Physical Touch: Some Ts give hugs or other appropriate forms of touch.
The Art of Listening: Important for Ts and clients.

So if you're not sure if your T cares: reflect on whether they have done any of these things.

If you choose to limit the interpretation of the book, that's your choice...but I personally think that opening yourself to new ideas and concepts can only benefit your life.

I don't want a t to care about me or love me....it's an unnecessary burden on me,

In school you see better who likes your teacher most and who less because its a group.. but in therapy you dont see how T acts with others so people imagine that they are special which is not bad of course but its illusion. It helps most of people so okay let they feel sspecial but if they saw how T acts with other clients ttheir illusion would fade away.

retiring so she can completely focus on us ♥

To look at a model and come to the reasoned concclusion that the model in question doesn't apply to you is not "choosing to limit oneself". I very much agree with you that we should be open to new ideas and concepts, which means not limiting ourselves to thinking that there are only so many ways people can express love and/or caring. No model which classifies human reactions in a few categories can possibly be all-encompassing, and a model that is based on a specific culture is very clearly limited. Models are not perfect descriptions of reality and if we find them useful that's great, but if they are not useful to us personally, we shouldn't beat ourselves up and feel as if our experiences have no validity, just because they don't tally with what somebody else has experienced.

I understand what you mean. With students, regardless of their age, everyone knows who the teacher's favorite and least favorite are, usually. And when there is one "special" one, there's often a lot of resentment since it's really not fair (though a good teacher wouldn't be so obvious).

But it would be disasterous to know that of your therapist. A lot of us want to be the favorite client- the one they'd want to be friends with outside of therapy or the one they care extra about. In reality I think they care a lot about their clients and probably do give more attention to people who are having a harder time. But if they think you are able to cope without their help, they will back off a little and not jump to answer texts or emails right away. That doesn't mean they care any less they just want to empower you.

The Five Love Languages is useful regarding personal relationships and just to show us there are different ways of showing that you care. But I understand your statement that it may be culturally specific, because it is. At least in relation to therapy, I don't think it's applicable to all cultures.

I'm assuming that since you're in Sweden, where I think therapists require a doctorate to practice (I apologize if I am wrong), then the overt affection you read about in some posts is something you won't likely experience with your T. I don't think that means your therapist cares any less, but conducts therapy from a different perspective. Telling you how much he cares about you (or even loves you) may not be appropriate behavior in his opinion. I don't believe the T's we read about on PC are representative of the the typical therapist. After reading some posts you can end up feeling like your T doesn't care as much as you thought, but I think it's important to keep in mind that this is just a small sampling of all the T's out there, VERY small.

Hmm, interesting point. Without going into boring detail, there is no requirement that a therapist has a doctorate, but to be eligible for the psychotherapy programme at university, the applicant must already have a profession which requires an academic degree, and in some cases a doctorate, so most psychotherapists have some kind of academic background. But having a doctorate doesn't make a person any less likely to display a caring attitude in their professional life. Maybe it does, though. I'll have to think about this, and see if I can find any reading on the subject.