What would make you feel a T genuinely cares for you or loves you?

In several different threads, people have talked about the fakeness of the relationship with T, the idea that T is playing a role, that T has to care because it's in the job description, etc. Now all that is technically true, but of course it does not mean that no real feelings are involved. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It can be both. So therapist needing to be caring, because of the job description, but also actually caring.

But I think the bigger issue is what makes you feel genuine love and care? I think this is important because it also applies to other relationships. Whether it's your husband or wife or lover or friend, a child or a parent, a neighbor or a stranger, we are constantly making judgments about people faking it or being honest. And many people have ulterior motives so it's understandable to be suspicious at first. I remember some funny sitcom where the wife enters the bedroom and says to the husband, I love you. Then the guy, looking bored as before, replies, "Okay, what do you want?" lol

For me I think part of feeling loved and genuinely cared for, is to be treated in a special way. If a therapist treats me just like everybody else, I start to doubt it. Of course this is no guarantee. There is that funny saying: You are special...just like everybody else.

Anyhow, so when do you know for sure you're receiving genuine care and love? When they cry in the office in reaction to your pain? Is it something they said that showed they truly understand you? Is it you feeling that you're being treated in a special way? Is it them not giving up on you despite you wanting to?

Please share.

I gave my T a nice letter and she said she was gonna frame it and hang it in her house. Also she didn't get mad at me for texting her on a Saturday evening. She replied even though she didn't have to.

ummm, yes, yes, yes, yes... LOL... I could have written this post myself as you hit the things I think also.
What you said is true for you is the exact same for me. I have a VERY hard time even thinking there would something genuine when this is his career and the job description essentially REQUIRES caring and compassion in order to stayed employed. You know the saying, "love is a verb" makes it all the harder. It is possible to demonstrate caring for someone without having any real or genuine care there.
I am a tester and I know it. I do watch for things that make me either try to prove or disprove genuine care.
Not much of an answer for you, but I do understand the post and wish it wasn't something that made things so difficult to wrap my brain around. How do you handle the fact that no one cares unless you pay them to? And then even when paid there is still no way to ever truly know if there is real genuine care or if you are just a number on the notes written for the day.

Good luck on those answers... LOL

HowDoYouFeelMeow?, that's beautiful, it's the little things isn't it? And by "little things" I don't mean to devalue the importance of what she did, I just mean it's not like a huge sign that says, "I CARE ABOUT YOU!!!" It's you texting her on the weekend and she being understanding, it's she really appreciating your letter and show that appreciation. Things like that. Thanks for sharing.

You're very welcome! I'm glad it helped! And thank YOU for being you!

My therapist blatantly told me that he cares about me and he also teared up when he saw my self harm. He was very transparent about what he was feeling and that makes me think that he really cares about me.

Its nothing more then teacher who cares of ALL his students I mean school when we were a child not university. Teachers always loved to get cards to Christmas etc.
Love? Teachers always attaches to their classes and feel little sadness when they leave but there comes new students.
And totally the same thing with Ts. But of course you can have illusions that you are more special than others

My T has said she loves me.

She has teared up on multiple occasions, not only in response to by pain or joy but also when discussing our relationship. In fact, she was tearing up when she said that she did love me.

She told me that the relationship we have is rare, even within therapy.

After I told her that I have maternal feelings for her, she told me that she feels maternal towards me as well. She has referred to her feeling like a "mama bear."

She always responds to e-mail and text (I use it rarely, but she responds quickly when I do).

She said that after I end therapy, I BETTER send her updates to let her know how I'm doing. She said she wants to track me as I continue to grow in my career, relationships, etc.

She said that when I do finish therapy she will miss me A LOT because there "isn't one of you every hour!"

She gives me hugs, sits next to me, and shows affection.

I don't know how my t feels. I'd like to think she cares about me. I certainly care about her. She shows compassion, kindness and care in the way she talks and interacts with me. She helps me when I can't find words, and she actually sees me and hears me, even though I hide. She also showed gratitude (and started tearing up) when I gave her a painting I had done. However, I don't know if it's just because I care about her so much that I think she might care about me.

I agree: it's the little things.

A hand-written letter. Responding to emails (she has emailed/responded 118 times within a yr.), texts, calls...and she doesn't get paid for those. One time she called me back when taking her baby for a walk. She checks in on me when I'm struggling. She kept in contact with me the entire time I was in the crisis house. When I saw her after she forgot to call me after Christmas, instead of saying anything, she hugged me. When I disclosed my past, she chose to sit next to me the entire session. Her expressions. Fighting my insurance (I was only supposed to have 16 sessions with her...it's been a yr. now). Hugs. Communicating with my Pdoc. Lending me books. Calling the police on me . Worrying about me. Teaching me. Understanding me. Actually listening to me. Accepting me. Phone check-ins. So so many things. Yes some are big and some add up to big examples. But I appreciate all of it. The smiles, the whispering, the honesty, the reassurance.

She spoils me...

She made me make a list of all the different ways I know she cares about me...I got to 140 something. I could have kept going but I didn't want to use another piece of paper.

I don't know. He's a guy. I don't read guys well. I guess how he always greets me with a big smile, how he will move a little closer to me, and how he remembers everything I say?

I can see it in her eyes.

I don't particularly feel my T feels any different towards me then she does towards any other client. if she did I don't think it would be to care about me to any greater degree .in fact probably the opposite . with being special or cared about more comes with greater expectations. probably ones I am not prepared to meet so I like it the way it is most of the time . although some times I feel it would be nice to feel cared about by my T

Yeah, it would be nice, but it's not part of the job description. The more I read about other people and their therapists the more I know that my therapist does not care about me. He seems like a caring person in general however. And he is a very good therapist. I am lucky.

her rushing to hug me while I was crying without me ever asking for that. her replying to my texts even though she wasn't supposed to. her preparing things for me between sessions, and just her look.

my Therapist never checks in with me first, yet I know she does care. She just doesn't do it. did you T tell you he doesn't care about you? Each T has their own boundaries, he is a very good therapist AND probably also cares about you. many things play a role in showing it or not. Personal boundaries, attitude, culture.. just my two cents. Hope it makes some sense (I was interested in the statement that you *know* he doesn't care about you).

The fact that she is still there. Even though I am irrational and annoyed, scared and confused she is still there muddling through it with me.

I don't know that mine genuinely cares about me...but he said he does a couple of times. I told him he probably cares on some level....I know I'm not special. I do appreciate the sentiment though and that he tries hard. I do appreciate him doing a good job.

Yes, I have mentioned it more than once and he has never responded or reacted in any way to that.

I have struggled with this and while my T. won't flat out say she cares about me, she has pointed out that I didn't feel this way before the transference and it's probably the transference blocking my ability to feel it. She texted me all through my mom's illness very sweet things but then had to increase her boundaries with the transference. I felt pushed away and told her that. So, at this point she would need to verbally tell me she cares. I sometimes feel like a little kid needing her to tell me things like this as I used to be so independent and non-needy.

I can't think of anything that would make me feel that way. I don't particularly look for the therapist to care or not. I don't see that it would make a difference to me. Having them not care is better for me.

When I told my T about the maternal transference I had towards her, she responded by saying she felt the same towards me, like I was a child of hers. And I panicked at first and told her I didn't know what she wanted from me because of that. I thought that she felt that way because she wanted something from me or wanted me to be a certain way. My past had conditioned me to believe that parents require me to conform to who they want, and fulfill their needs. So I was panicking because I didn't know how to do that with my T. She had to insist that she didn't want anything from me other than for me to show up and be myself. She didn't want me to fulfill any of her needs or pretend to be a certain way in order to fit into what she expected from me. I'm still not sure I believe that, but I don't feel the same type of panick over it.

I've said this before but, ( you get to read it again).

The last thing T said to me before she went on her last vacation was,

"I will think of you while I am gone and I will hold you in my heart."

=*]. That sounded real to me. I think she genuinely cares.

I think my T is a caring person and cares for people in general. That said, as clients come and go I think there is minimal sadness for her.

At times I feel like I need her to specifically care about me, but the truth is I don't. She calls me back when I leave her a message and allows me to fit in an extra session when necessary. So she does her job very well, and while I sometimes wish I was a fraction as special to her as she is to me, I have made tons of progress, and if/when I can terminate with her, it'll be much easier to tell her how much I appreciate it and go on with my life.

i gave her a poem i wrote to her, she said she would put it in her journal and that she would treasure it. and she says fairly often how she is honored by the work that I do. and she says that yes there is a kind of love in therapy; the english language only has the word "love" but there are many different kinds of love and one of them can be found in the therapy relationship. recently she said that she is "so deeply touched" by my work.

and the whole thing about feeling "you are special, just like everyone else", isn't that one of the big problems that a lot of us have, that no one ever made us feel like we were as special as anyone else? like I grew up feeling "i am NOT special but everyone else IS." i don't know if that makes sense. sometimes it's so hard to find the right words to describe this "stuff".

But I do love trying. And I do love my T!