T makes odd suggestion

I've been seeing my T for several months. We've worked together well for the most part. But I feel puzzled and worried by a suggestion she made recently that we try to find things we personally disagree about, in order to see if it has a negative impact on our feelings about each other. I can't see that doing this will have a therapeutic benefit for me. It seems like something that's more of personal interest to her. With my limited income, I can't really afford to go off on tangents that won't be relevant or helpful to me. I'm also worried that if she discloses something to me about her personal attitudes that does end up making me feel distant from her, it could destroy our rapport and our work.

Do you think her suggestion could have any kind of therapeutic benefit? I'm worried I could be getting into weird territory. It also feels like an exercise that could cross professional boundaries.

Did you ask her what the therapeutic benefit for you would be? I would not do something unless I thought it did - whether the therapist will explain or not. So even if she won't answer you, you don't have to do it.

I could see it having therapeutic benefit. It could be any number of things, but one huge one would be it could help you find your voice.

Wow, that's really strange. I agree with others that you should straight up ask her what the plan is and express your fears. Do feel like you have to agree with her on everything for her to like you? I ask because you worry about her feeling more distant.... Anyways, I could see there being a benefit. She should be able to explain it to you though, a therapist should never do anything just to satisfy their own curiosity.

My t could tell me the sky is green and the grass is blue, I wouldn't dare disagree. That's not a healthy little quirk to have. I've silenced my voice for so long I don't even know what it sounds like anymore!

Yes I think disagreements and learning how to handle them would benefit me greatly.

I'd also ask what the benefit would be in finding something you don't agree about.

Why would anyone purposely induce strife?

Sounds like this might be something you disagree about...

This doesn't seem strange to me at all. Are there things you disagree on but never say? If so why don't express it - why are you keeping it to yourself? If you do this what does it say about you feel about yourself and your own views? Perhaps she is trying to encourage you to express yourself it isn't natural that you would agree on everything, relationships aren't like this, and how do you handle this in other relationships?

I disagree with my T often.

What kind of disagreement are we talking about here? Is it something about therapeutic approach or something you do or she does? I'm just trying to get an idea of how vast the disagreement might be. Or is she just trying to get you comfortable disagreeing with someone?

It sounds like she suspects that you are censoring yourself and trying to be the "good client." Presenting a "false" self that you think she wants to see. Most ruptures trace to disagreements that are not voiced, so she could be trying to strengthen the alliance by letting you experience that disagreements can be talked about without the sky falling and the relationship ending. To experience her acceptance of your true self, even if you have disagreements.

I've often expressed my disagreement with her approach or opinions. On these occasions, we have both been able to speak openly and without personal judgments. I'm not keeping things to myself and we don't agree on everything. Furthermore, she has praised me on how I've handled disagreements.

This is why the new suggestion is puzzling.

I think she knows I don't try to be the "good client". We've had a number of marked disagreements and major mutual challenges, all of which have been dealt with healthily and without any personal judgment on either side. As I've said, we communicate well. She has also remarked that I seem to communicate effectively with people in my life.

Part of the worrying thing about her suggestion is that she has said she would find it interesting if I disclosed something that made her feel distant from me and how we would handle that. This feels as though it would be bringing unhelpful stuff into our relationship. A lot of what I value about the therapeutic relationship is the non-judgmental space. If I have to suddenly start dealing with my T saying she feels personally distant from me because of an attitude I have, this would seem to be introducing her judgment as a new issue to contend with. Is it appropriate for a T to say they feel personally distant from a client?

This is what I find puzzling.

That's what I think.

I appreciate your curiosity and lack of assumption. My T is referring to disagreements of personal values and principles. (We've disagreed on plenty of things before now regarding our different approaches.) She gave 'vegetarianism vs meat eating' as an example. She said she was interested in trying hard to find something that might make us feel personally negatively about each other.

I can't imagine it being therapeutically beneficial to hear from my T that one of my attitudes leaves her feeling personally distant from / negative about me. This is why it feels like getting into weird territory.

I think there is value in our differences. You know and trust T, and she you. It is true that everyone we meet won't be an exact carbon copy of ourselves. We can still know and maybe even trust people who differ from us on some ideals.

Agreed, and I think from our conversation to date, my T knows all too well that difference is something I value extremely highly.

It would be interesting to hear the reasoning behind T's proposal.

Sorry, I think I made an assumption in my post above. It sounds intriguing. She must think there will be therapeutic benefit to it. I wodner if there is some specific issue that she feels you two have different values on?

It would, Bill. To date, she has not been forthcoming or transparent about her reasoning, despite my enquiry. It feels as though she is withholding her real reason, which is uncharacteristic.

Thank you. Perhaps asking a question specifically in terms of "therapeutic benefit" (ie. "What therapeutic benefit do you think this will have?") will encourage her to be more specific and forthcoming in her communication. I will need to know this before I agree to go ahead with the exercise.

Are you afraid of having disagreements with other people. Do you always want to get along, if so, I think this could be a valuable exercise. My Husband sometimes has trouble asserting himself, and I could see how a similar exercise in his own therapy might be beneficial.

Leaning not to always idealize a person, or to have a disagreement with a person can be helpful in life. I always feel that the most important thing is not getting along with other people, but threatening those who you disagree with, with respect. Maybe your T just wants to show you how a safe and respectful disagreement can occur. This would be particularly important if you grew up in a family where disagreements aren't allowed, or if you are afraid of disagreements because they always turned into abusive episodes.

I agree, I think that often times psychologists/psychiatrists go on tangents and take people to places that simply do not help them. Like the last time I saw a psychologist he kept asking me questions about if I "saw or heard things that others don't". Sure, it's a valid question and psychosis is obviously a real phenomena that is distressing to many people. However, the thing is that for me, I do actually have that sort of thing, but it doesn't bother me, it's honestly been something I have had for many years and although it's been somewhat strange or creepy on rare occasion it overall is not distressing to me and in fact I have even learned how to integrate these experiences into my life in a positive way without any intervention medically. I just kept answering no to the question, but since he sensed a bit of hesitation he kept asking me the same damn question over and over and even thought I was schizophrenic despite my answering no to the question. However, I saw him because I was currently dealing with a major life transition and was seeking guidance. I did not get any help with that but rather was bombarded with questions about my hallucinations or lack thereof. Honestly, the guy's demeanor reminded me of the way police treat people when they get pulled over and stuff. The thing is if I told him the truth, I bet he would have tried to coerce me into taking medications for 'schizophrenics'. Who knows, if I told him of my source of inner guidance, I could have had my whole life turned upside down for nothing

I'm not afraid of disagreement, nor do I always want to get along. My T and I have strongly disagreed and she has complimented me on the way I've handled disagreement, so I know she doesn't see this as a problem area for me.

The key element in this for me is her saying she's interested in finding something that might make her feel distant from me, which would seem to be about her personal stuff, not mine. Should any client really be expected to take on a T's negative personal feelings about them, negative feelings that have only arisen because the T has gone out of her way to unearth an area of conflict? Does this not seem unusual? I think, when I started this thread, I was looking for some helpful input on this particular aspect: my T's curiosity to find something that would make her personally feel negatively about me.

Why would you let it create a distance & destroy a rapport that is already established unless it is an issue that you need to work on?

That isn't what you stated in your opening post....the above is what you stated. That is probably why people are responding to it being about your reaction & not about it being her issue.

The difference in wording could definitely bring about different responses .....is that really what you are worried about or is what you initially stated a worry also?

This describes my experiences perfectly. Thank you for mentioning this, and thanks NINI for this thought provoking question. Betcha didn't know your question would spur someone else to do hard work.