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#1
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I'm not sure that this article reaches the best conclusion about Dependency in therapy, it all feels a little unfinished, and I was really hoping for a more radical point about the end, but I thought people here might enjoy discussing it. http://www.gisc.org/gestaltreview/do...chotherapy.pdf
One thing that I think that the article gets right is the fact that Dependency is so highly pathologized. I have often felt a great deal of shame in therapy for needing my therapist deeply, and I'm really stating to come around to the position that this kind of shaming is a larger cultural problem that that therapy perpetuates unknowingly. I'm not entirely sure what therapists should do differently, but I don't think that people should be made to feels so immature and wrong for needing so deeply. To me it seems that the more that we just push way these needs or try to correct them, the more alienated and isolated we become. Needs are a time to develop a real connection with another persons, and sometimes it seems that therapists deny this connection in the name of therapy. I do however think that too much dependency can result in the loss of ourselves. But on the other hand not knowing that someone is there for us at the end of the day can make it damn near impossible to feel that it is safe enough to enter the world and develop our person. Maybe dependency should not be so much about discounting the patient form engaging in manipulative behaviors, but about meeting the deeper need that lies beneath the behaviors; namely, the need to know that someone is truly and undeniably there fore us.
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Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
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#2
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The first one I see has said I should be more dependent upon her (which is about as likely as pigs flying) and the second keeps encouraging contact out of appointment. I think they do not all have an agreement upon the subject.
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Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. |
#3
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It must be an individual thing. I don't see dependency as healthy or that it equals love and caring; actually, it's more of the opposite. Being dependent on someone makes it hard to see them for who they really are. It feels good to love and enjoy people without needing them.
I do understand that many (probably most) people crave that type of relationship, but I wouldn't pathologize them for it. |
#4
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When I started I was feeling very needy for my therapist, but I also was unable to contact him out of session because it felt too ridiculous to me... I knew he would immediately see through whatever text or email I sent and see it as me being needy, and that was too much for me. He found excuses to contact me, and subtly encouraged me in other ways, until I felt comfortable enough to engage in some minimal out of session contact. Then just as quick as it started he shuts it down, forgets to reply to my email, doesn't return my text, effectively leaving me frustrated and thinking about it. It's taken me a while but I am now confident this is a very common therapeutic technique, possibly it is the crux of therapy as I know it... they pull you in and then when you come in reluctant and frightened they push you out, tell you youre childish and force you to think about what just happened. |
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#5
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Although I do believe they are wily, but I have a more firm belief I will not be lured into dependency upon either of them after 4 1/2 years. I have no idea why I would want to be dependent upon them. I have found a use for both, but I don't need either.
The first one has even branched out to try and convince me to depend upon people who are not her - I have no idea why she keeps on about it.
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Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Last edited by stopdog; Dec 14, 2014 at 12:27 AM. |
#6
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#7
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I am not extremely independent. I have a partner and friends. But regardless of me, I think dependence is a concept therapists do not agree about. I am completely against any idea of a therapist as parent and would not continue to see one who spoke or believed in that around me.
__________________
Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. |
#8
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__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
![]() Asiablue
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#9
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__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
#10
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I am a fragile person, prone to be overly dependent, or fiercely, and to my own detriment, independent. So I am like easy prey. If he only encouraged dependence it would be a bit abusive of the fact I pay him for therapy to supposedly improve myself. I think there are two reasons they pull us in and then push us away... 1) When you're comfortable you're not changing. If my needs are being met and I'm happily dependent on new daddy therapist, I'm not growing up. and 2) If new daddy therapist allows this he is kind of taking advantage of me. Here I am a damaged person seeking help, and he is exploiting me for financial gain by keeping me dependent. |
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#11
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Thanks for the article, I skimmed the first few pages and I mostly agree with what the author says. I think culturally we have come to value independence way above dependence.
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#12
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I quite often get a sense of disquiet when I read how therapists write about the therapy they do to clients. In this article the author suggests that the therapist start having one approach to dependency and then at some point shift. At no point does the therapist contemplate that the client may be a conscious thinking person who senses this shift and may be confused by it and that the therapist should be open about what they are doing.
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#13
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__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
#14
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#15
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It's at the end in the case study, the patient is called Mary, I think. He really doesn't discuss it enough by any means, it's really bizarre.
__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
#16
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"I called in a consultant, a close colleague who had often seen Mary during my vacations. We told Mary that we were committed to resolving the impasse, and were going to change the structure of her psychotherapy to do so." The writer then admits that Mary was "horribly wounded" as a result of this but that agrees that the changes "have been extremely helpful, perhaps even lifesaving. Her therapy has stabilized, we all agree that she is doing extremely productive work in session, and her life seems to be stabilizing as well." |
#17
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[edited to add: Maybe this is simply wishful thinking on my behalf, but I do hope I'm right.] Last edited by Anonymous200320; Dec 14, 2014 at 06:12 AM. |
#18
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The important thing is not to make anyone feel there is something wrong them because of what works for them in relationship to others. As for therapy, it makes it harder to find that good match. |
![]() Middlemarcher
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#19
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I'm always surprised when I read what some people put up with from their Ts. I have no problem saying I need *a* T. Now, I happen to work with one I respect and have affection for but the day he starts treating me in a manner that I find disrespectful, I will walk out that door. Yes, it will suck because I'm attached and at the same time, it ain't nothing I haven't done before.
I like my T because he's open with me. The few times I thought he was playing a mind game, I called him on it and... he wasn't. He just didn't realize he'd done X or it was a situation that I'd misinterpreted because I have trust issues (not his words, this was my realization). So I don't know. Do I need my T? Yes. I need him to do what I pay him to do and I'm okay with that. Just like I need my husband (and ideally he needs me). My T doesn't need me per se (I'm sure someone else would fill his hour) but I know he finds me pleasant to work with... usually ![]()
__________________
It's a funny thing... but people mostly have it backward. They think they live by what they want. But really, what guides them is what they're afraid of. ― Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed |
#20
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And I'm not sure if it is really possible to always be ok regardless of weather or not someone reciprocates. There certain situations where the other person not reciprocation would not be ok under any circumstance. For example, I bought my husband a number of Christmas gifts. If it was Christmas morning and I found out that he hadn't gotten me anything I really would not be ok with that, or able to accept him just not reciprocating.
__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
#21
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__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
#22
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Anyway, people are different. I don't see it as a black and white issue. |
#23
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And for my own sake I really, really hope that you are wrong. If it is not possible to live a full and "healthy" life (whatever that means) without support and understanding from others, I might just as well give up right now, and I don't plan to do that. |
#24
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__________________
Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
#25
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Given that sometimes when I did depend on others, I got badly hurt (parental abuse, traumatized by a therapist), I thought there was logic to hating dependence like poison. I still find the word triggering. I don't know your personal struggles but just wanted to sympathize with feelings of anybody who for whatever reason, prefers to never depend (or need to depend) on anybody for anything. |
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