Reality strikes

It's been over 2 years since I lost a psychiatrist who was very important to me. I looked up to him and and I could actually feel his warmth and kindness. I felt a heart to heart connection and came to really care about him. I miss him every day and talk to him in my head often throughout the days. I'm not in love with him, he was more like a mentor, and it was so helpful to talk to him. I've never gotten over the grief from this loss. Right now I have no one to turn to for help, no doctor, no therapist or psychiatrist, all these things are unavailable to me now where I live and I've completely given up. I'm in a terrible way and I really need to talk to him but that can't happen, he works elsewhere now, and I'll never see him again. So I have pretend conversations with him to feel like I'm not totally alone, but feel utterly pathetic when I remind myself that he isn't actually here and the comfort I get is just a fantasy. Then, a few days ago, I bumped into him on the street. We had a nice superficial chat and I evaded the "how are you?" question because I knew it wouldn't be appropriate to lay my sorrows on him now that he is not my Pdoc so I made out that I was alright and changed the subject. But gawd it made me sad to be so close to the one person I long to talk to and be real with and who could really help me during this desperate time, I've been talking to him in my head for 2 years, and there he was in the flesh and it couldn't happen. I've been in tears ever since. I am so alone.
This was actually a reply to another thread but I felt like putting it out there on it's own. I guess I just need some empathy.

Can you maybe contact him and ask if you can keep in contact? Of course, the relationship will be different, but maybe he can still be a part of your life?

I have had contact with an ex-T and an ex-counselor for 9 years. My mental health had hit rock bottom, and I was ashamed to tell them. I felt like I had taken their help for granted because I slipped back into my depression. Every time I wrote, I made sure to never say how bad off I really was. Finally, my life had gotten so bad, my family called the police on me. I decided it was time to be honest with them. They were extremely supportive and encouraging. They told me they were not upset with me, and to worry about taking care of myself. It was a huge relief.

So maybe something similar can happen for you. Try reaching out. You might just be surprised.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. it is terrible to feel like you have no one to talk to. I hate pdocs but I had one that I did attach to. he is the one who was patient enough to carefully go thru my file and actually listen to me and finally find the meds to stabilize me after over two years of trial and error. he trusted my judgment and did not lock me up when I was loosing it because he knew it was my greatest fear. instead he forced the clinic to make an appt for me every day with him and drugged me up with Haldol. i liked him because he seemed to validate me, trust me and seemed crazier than me. lol. but then he started flaking. and then he just quit. he went into private practice. i felt so abandoned. then i would see him at a conference once a year where he would speak. he was so funny. he would be really friendly to me. i longed so much to have him back in my life. not in the romantic way. i don't understand people who fall in love with their providers. i just found him to be brilliant and he treated me like a person in this field that doesn't treat their people very well at all. it would take me weeks to recover. i didn't go back to that conference this year. i don't like feeling that loss. so again, i am sorry you are having to experience this. i know it sucks.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you.

I almost lost my T a couple of years ago and I couldn't stop crying.

When you say support isn't available where you are, what do you mean, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm glad that you're reaching out here on PC.

I understand this is very difficult for you, but I want to point out a small positive that I think you may be missing because you are overwhelmed.
You may not recognize the positive aspects you have in common with him, but when you talk to him in your imagination, you are talking to an aspect of yourself. When you find it helps even a tiny bit to have these conversations, you are helping yourself by doing so.
Don't beat yourself up by saying that you are pathetic or desperate. Recognise that you are helping yourself and that you have these strengths and good qualities.
Yes, it is great to have someone to call on when in need, but please acknowledge your own self reliance is there, even if tentative and in disguise.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It's interesting you (Arha) should point out the benefit of the conversations. I've tried to give them up before but I become so alone I barely exist. I live in a remote place and only see people for a few hours a week and these talks I have, even if they are imaginary, make me feel less alone and sometimes I get some good advice.
To answer why I have no where to turn, it's complicated. Things got worse for me four months ago as a result of taking Wellbutrin. I went from being a kindly, mild mannered person and became a rabid pit bull for 3 months, the duration of the prescription. The last Pdoc quit immediately after giving me the Wellbutrin so I was on my own and there was no one to notice what the drug did to me. I was constantly enraged and mostly at healthcare so I offended my g.p. and now I don't have a doctor (he was my friend and doctor for 13 years and I just levelled him in 2 emails. I would have liked it if, after knowing me for all these years, he could have realized that I would not normally act that way, I am not a vicious person, but he took it personally, not even responding to my card of apology, and now I am without healthcare. It's more complicated than that but would be too hard to explain). Once the prescription for wellbutrin ran out all the rage left and looking back now I can see how extreme it was but I thought I had become a bad person and I stayed alone and kept it invisible from everyone except my poor doctor. Now in the aftermath of the wellbutrin disaster I am a changed person. I lost an important relationship with my doctor, I no longer have any faith in healthcare, I don't want anymore friggin' drugs (I've been on the merry-go-round for 13 years and rarely does anything help), I am much more isolated than I was because I have quit communicating with people, I don't trust anyone's care now, I never had to feel shame before and now I have that constantly hanging over my head and that is the worst feeling ever. So all this has been going on since I took wellbutrin and there is no Pdoc in town anymore and they only give you drugs anyway so what's the point of seeing one? Therapy is way too expensive, I am on disability and there are no free options where I live. Now that big pharma owns psychiatry Pdocs no longer talk to you and that's what I really need but that's no longer considered therapeutic since all we need are drugs, right? Last Pdoc would only see me for 10 minutes and sent me off with wellbutrin without a mood stabilizer and ruined me. So I am now so cynical I wouldn't even go to a doctor for a broken leg.
Then, suddenly and in the flesh, there's old beloved Pdoc in front of the liquor store and oh how I needed to talk to him about all that has happened. I haven't talked to anyone about it all. The last year has been terrible and the last four months a disaster that made me give up hope. A year ago I was in the hospital on boxing day through new year's and since then I am much much worse but would no longer turn to a hospital. Twice a day a nurse comes out of the nurse cubby hole and tanks you up on drugs and otherwise you just shuffle around the halls and stare at the bad paintings all day for weeks. That's "healthcare" in the local hospital psych ward. They provide some crayons I think.
Anyway, I'm ranting. I'll stop now. Your replies are helpful. I have more to say but I'll do it later.

i don't know what to say except that i am so sorry this happened to you and reality sucks.

I had the same problem with Welbutrin. Alienated a lot of people. My Pdoc thought I was just being assertive for the first time in my life, but finally realized it was more than that. I also live in a fairly remote place & know it can be hard to find the right care. Your pain is so obvious. Please reach out to your old Pdoc. If nothing else, he may be able to smooth things over with your GP. Hopefully, he can do more than that.

My thoughts are with you.

Maybe I could write to old Pdoc. I can't see him again, he now works in an addictions treatment facility and I'm not addicted to anything - not that I haven't tried. But maybe if I didn't ask anything of him I could write just once and tell my story. It would help immensely but I feel like that would be kind of a rotten thing to do to him. He could go on in blissful ignorance and not have to feel bad for me but if I dump on him and he can't do anything about it - well, I just don't know if that would be the right thing to do, even though it would be helpful to me just to communicate. He does really care about me, I know, but he is also very professional and I wouldn't ask for any contact. He wouldn't even have to respond to my letter, however I know he'd be worried and I don't know if I should proceed. Today was the first day in a long, long while I didn't wake up crying and it was because I had the kernel of an idea that maybe I could at least write to him once, and I didn't feel so hopeless and alone.
It's interesting to hear your experience on wellbutrin, Janedough. I think it may be more common than we think because I've seen threads come up before about aggression and wellbutrin. I wish I (or someone) could have figured it out earlier. I lost 3 months and 3 days to rage.

Something freaky I forgot to mention. 15 minutes before I bumped into my old Pdoc I started searching for him in the grocery store I was in. I started looking over everyone's heads for the tall guy and checked out all the aisles. I never think I'm going to bump into him, I only spend a few hours in town every month or two and he works in a different city so the likelihood of seeing each other is tiny. But I knew I'd see him that day and I started to actively search for him and within 15 minutes there he was in the parking lot. Weird, eh.

I get that way with people I have a strong connection to. IDKY.

I so hope you can get the help you need and deserve.

Know that you're not alone. There are people here who care about you.

***Newsflash***
I'd been mulling over writing to X-Pdoc but it didn't seem fair to dump on him if he can't do anything so I couldn't decide what to do. Then, without my knowledge, my friend wrote to him and told him I wasn't doing well and had always done best when I was with him and was there a way I could see him again.

He wrote back that he had been considering returning to private practice and her letter had given him a push in that direction, and now he is making it happen. In a few months I should be able to see him again. I guess he'll have to rent office space and do the paperwork and hire staff so it'll take a bit of time.

As soon as my friend told me what she did (only after she heard back) and showed me the reply, I stopped crying all the time. It feels like there is hope again for the first time in a long time. When I was seeing this Pdoc in the past I thought of him a lot and it gave me comfort and company. Then he was gone, presumably forever, and it was like a death, and when I thought of him it made me feel sadness and overwhelming loss instead. Now when I think of him it's something to look forward to again. What a relief.

Thank you all for your encouragement and insights. I'm glad I am able to update with some positive news.

Dear Zippo, your story is inspiring. Even when all hope is lost there's sometimes a small kernel that's enough to keep us going. Your Newsflash is exciting. I hope you'll write your old Pdoc and at least tell him how good it was to see him and that you'd love to be able to see him again as a patient.

I'm sorry you went through a hard time on Wellbutrin. One of my best pals ended up in emergency care on it. It sort of drove her wild for a bout ten days. Glad you're off that stuff.

Take care and please keep coming back to Psych Central to tell us how things are going. I'm a tough rationalist, but I love stories like yours. It's as if the Universe dumped hope all over you when things were bleak. It will be good to hear more from you in the forums and I'm wishing you the best.

Your update gave me goosebumps! It's like a fairy tale almost (the non-violent ones ). I'm so glad things are working out for you.

Thanks Jaynedough and Snakecharmer for your replies. I feel much better now that there is hope. I wasn't going to return to healthcare for anything, but if old Pdoc is back then I'll give it another shot. Maybe after talking to him I'll be able to sort things out with my G.P. who was always great, except when he's an insensitive bonehead. It happens, but he's still a pretty good guy and I'd rather not have to start over with a stranger.

I sent old Pdoc a card a year ago to thank him for his help and let him know that I always left our appointments feeling very well cared for, so I feel like he knows, and when I saw him in the street he thanked me for it again. It was funny how I started actively searching for him in the grocery store that day, and then walked into him in front of the liquor store 10 minutes later. He could have been in Zimbabwe for all I knew, and I don't think he was ever in the grocery store but I knew he was somewhere near. If I hadn't been taking some steps out of my way to give a busker $5 I would have missed him. Seems like fate. And then that interaction got my friend to take it a step further with her secret letter to him. I have some pretty great friends.