[jenny55]

I've recently told my T that I have some issues along these lines that I need to discuss, but how do I actually tell her? Has anyone else had that conversation (or written it down) to tell their T that they remind you of what you wish you could have in your own mum or that you wish they could fill this role in your life.

I have no idea where to start to tell her this. I would prefer to write it down because I know I will not be able to say it, but I have no idea where to start without sounding pathetic/needy etc.

Any ideas on how to say this in a way that is not so embarrassing that I can never go back?

[SkyscraperMeow]

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but know that maternal feelings toward therapists are so common as to be almost expected. In fact, as far as I can tell, therapy is more or less designed to make you feel that way. If you go through other posts here you will see dozens of people expressing these same struggles.

That may not make much of a difference to you while you're in the throes of these feelings, after all, it doesn't matter how many people have felt something if you're feeling it for the first time, but your T is not going to be surprised by this news and she's probably been told it dozens, if not hundreds of times before depending on her length of experience.

Hi jenny55, I've wished my T was my older sister as a my T is a nurturing older figure in my life - I don't have that from anyone else.

I wrote it all out and gave it to her in a letter.

Because I felt very vulnerable, I wrote about how scary it felt to type my feelings out and how I felt I wouldn't dare to tell her about my feelings verbally or even hand over the letter. After a while, the words just flowed, even embarrassing ones like how I wanted to just push the letter over and run.

I ended up givivg her the letter at the end of the following session and we processed it the next session. I was really anxious until that next session.

I could also have given it to her at the start of the session but I felt I couldn't cope with the anxiety of her reading it then and there.

I'd like to encourage you to write your thoughts down, no matter how embarrassing.

A good T will be understanding.

[LindaLu]

Jenny, welcome to PychCentral. As SSM suggests it's almost an anomaly for feelings like this to NOT develop. The hard part for some people approaching their T about the topic is feeling embarrassed, vulnerable, resentful, or other discomfort. Think about an approach that works for you. Personally I find it helpful tell my T at various times, "This isn't rational but I feel X and it is frustrating/frightening/whatever and I want to understand it. Can you help? Have you seen this?" Not just transference but other cognitive/emotional areas benefit.

[PaulaS]

Even if this feels embarrasing to us as clients the feelings around our T:s are a prerequisite for a therapy that really "works". A way to open up about this could be to take a somewhat theroretical stance to it, to say you´ve read/heard about maternal transference and that you could acknowledge yourself in such a process.

You don´t have to go straight into talking about your "childish needs" but instead wait and see what your T says if you bring the issue up out of a more self-distant perspective.

Originally Posted by jenny55

I've recently told my T that I have some issues along these lines that I need to discuss, but how do I actually tell her? Has anyone else had that conversation (or written it down) to tell their T that they remind you of what you wish you could have in your own mum or that you wish they could fill this role in your life.

I have no idea where to start to tell her this. I would prefer to write it down because I know I will not be able to say it, but I have no idea where to start without sounding pathetic/needy etc.

Any ideas on how to say this in a way that is not so embarrassing that I can never go back?

[Soccer mom]

I have told my T but it took several sessions to get it out. I've even told her I want her to tell me she cares about me, will always be there, that I'll be ok, etc. it was quite embarrassing but it's so great to talk about now that it's out there.

[TheWell]

I have/had father transferance with my male T. I knew that I needed to work through it and to work through it I had to tell him. I told him I had something to talk about with him. He asked me what it was. I said my feelings about you. When we met I told him that sometimes with male figures I struggle with father feelings and that I was feeling that with him. He was very understanding and didn't make me feel bad at all. I'm glad I told him and we've talked about it a few times.

[musinglizzy]

What would you think if your T knew of your feelings, and continues to talk about her own daughter, showing how cherished she is? Would you think she's purposely doing that to try to desensitize you to the thought of her being a loving mother? I'm curious....I feel your pain.

[Virginia1991]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I have told my T but it took several sessions to get it out. I've even told her I want her to tell me she cares about me, will always be there, that I'll be ok, etc. it was quite embarrassing but it's so great to talk about now that it's out there.

I just asked for these same things from my therapist.

[Virginia1991]

I definitely have these intense feelings. I just started a thread last night titled "maternal obsessions". Check it out. I am lucky that my t allows for texts/emails from me. Anything remotely difficult for me to say gets put in an email and she responds--calming my fears and brings it up next session. Sometimes I can talk about it and sometimes I can't. She has remained calm, patient, and understanding either way. Her consistency has been very welcomed. I need to open up more, I have done it in bits and pieces. I have come to realize it is a bigger issue than what I came to therapy for in the first place......once you get to that place----what do you have to lose in talking to him/her about it? Any good t will react appropriately. If not---they are not the right t for you.

[musinglizzy]

My T sounds just like yours, Virginia. It's wonderful, but at the same time doesn't help with transference issues... my T left for vacation early this morning and I've already received a text from her. It's very reassuring when you know wherever she is, she's just a text or Email away. Hard to leave work out of vacation that way, but she has been like this since I've seen her, and checks in on me even if I don't her.

[nottrustin]

As others have said, it is very normal and good therapists will work with you on it.

I have never wanted my therapist to be my mom (I had an awesome mom). However, I wish she could be a an aunt like figure since she is 2 years younger than my mom would be. I have never brought it up to her more because I know it can't happen but she is always there for me....

I hear you loud and clear, struggling with this transference stuff myself (again) right now. I put it in an email to my t, and ask to talk about it. We just had a discussion about this yesterday actually, and I'm feeling a little bit better about it all, but I told her yesterday that I hate feeling so needy and vulnerable and that it is sucky. Because it is. But I sort of am starting to understand what it's all about, why working through it is so healing. The feelings can really be intense though can't they? What virginia1991 said - my t's consistency too has been so helpful. I actually am starting to see that there may actually be healing found in this intense, embarrassing stuff if we stick with it. Hugs to you.

[Restin]

I had such a long, drawn-out ordeal trying to tell my T about my feelings for her that I see where you're at with this. I tried to think of things to say, and came here for advice and comfort, which really helped, too. What helped me break the ice was to ask T what she believed about treating Transference. It was my fear of being treated rough for these feelings that held me back. But asking her what she believed was so re-assuring that I trusted her more, and got us started. And it was a way of angling in with my question, instead of too direct.

I have feelings of my T being like a mother. It doesn't feel like an issue, I am completely okay with that feeling. I don't feel the need to discuss it, if she brought it up I would acknowledge it. Doe something specific other you about it?

[jenny55]

Thanks for all the replies! It does help to see other peoples experiences/ideas etc.
I wish I didn't have to have this conversation with her at all but it is bothering me so much that I think about that more than anything else. There is seriously not a single day (sometimes hour) that goes by that I am not thinking of her in one way or another - this can not be healthy. I don't know if telling her will help with that but at least I will get it out I guess.
I have started writing it down but am still really stuck for words. Part of me wants her to push me away and refuse to see me anymore just so I can move on and forget her (I've never felt like this before with anyone else) - the other part wants her to accept it but I doubt I'll ever be ok with it after I tell her so I wonder if it is worth the heart ache? I wonder if I should just tell her and leave and not wait for her response? I just know I am going to be so embarrassed after telling her.
I want this over with!

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by jenny55

Thanks for all the replies! It does help to see other peoples experiences/ideas etc.
I wish I didn't have to have this conversation with her at all but it is bothering me so much that I think about that more than anything else. There is seriously not a single day (sometimes hour) that goes by that I am not thinking of her in one way or another - this can not be healthy. I don't know if telling her will help with that but at least I will get it out I guess.
I have started writing it down but am still really stuck for words. Part of me wants her to push me away and refuse to see me anymore just so I can move on and forget her (I've never felt like this before with anyone else) - the other part wants her to accept it but I doubt I'll ever be ok with it after I tell her so I wonder if it is worth the heart ache? I wonder if I should just tell her and leave and not wait for her response? I just know I am going to be so embarrassed after telling her.
I want this over with!

I think about my T. as often as well after 7 months of therapy. It used to really bother me but I think it's just all part of the processing. So, I'm trying to be ok with it.
I never discussed feelings growing up so at one point I told my T. that I didn't have the words - literally. I said I felt like I was 4 and together we figured out that I saught out a mother figure for the first time at age 7. So, that's where she thinks I got "stuck". So, I have a very hard time describing my feelings. In fact, I have told her different ways I felt about her and last session she said I really hadn't. I went back through my therapy notes and noticed I always tell her "I don't like these feelings towards you" or "I don't like that you matter to me". That's pretty general. I feel very awkward having ANY feelings towards her.
I realized the last couple of days that maybe if I had a better relationship with my mom, this relationship wouldn't seem so weird to me.
I have tried to push my T. away - I have picked her apart in my mind, picked her apart in therapy and she's still here. And, she has realized what I"m doing. I told her once that I'm trying to push her away but at the same time terrified she will leave.

I think I am finally getting to the point of being ok feeling close to her. So, I think you should try to talk to her even if it's little bits at a time. I think we are supposed to learn that it's ok to have these feelings, learn to attach and see that it's all ok so we will realize that not everyone out there will act like our parents or others who have abandoned us.