I can't go back!

Trigger csa

Last session with t was a week before Christmas, and ended with me saying something about csa stuff, very little, but completely freaked me out. Handily I did it right at the end of the session, so we couldn't talk about it, which I also made t agree to so I knew if I said something I could just leave.


Now, I have a session next week, after three weeks off. I really want to see t again, but I am dreading it too.

Firstly, because she knows now, and no one else in the whole wide world knows (apart from wanker who did it) and I feel so ashamed I feel panicky just writing this. I just don't know how I can look her in the eye (or her cat) when she (and her cat) know what I did. I just don't know how I can do it.

Secondly, I've had horrible sort of dream stuff about the csa since I told her those three words....I get very panicky and it takes me about an hour til I can breathe properly again. I don't want to talk about it in case I just lose it and panic. But if I don't talk about it, I'm not going to move on. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

Help?

Can you talk to her about not being able to talk about it? Like sort of talking around it?

There was talk on here a while back of a person needing just about 15 seconds of courage. I estimate it to be even less than that. It takes about 2 seconds to walk accross the threshold, through the doorway, in my case about 3 more seconds to reach the chair and sit down. I think once you are in there you have done the hard part, you don't have to say anything, or do anything until it feels ok.

Talking about the secrets takes their power away. Keep talking.

(((Red)))
My experience with cats is that if you provide scratching and the proper appreciation of their superiority they will find you acceptable, regardless of what you may or may not have done. Ts are not that different really. Well, minus the scratching and the superior attitude (usually).

That's a good point, maybe I'll just start with cat and see how that goes...
Brown owl, it was me that somebody gave that advice to, about 15 seconds of courage! That's what got me into this mess...

Thanks for all the help. I am still thinking I might just cancel next week though. I have never cried in front of t ( in fact I've only cried twice in the past three years) and I cannot do that, I cannot be that vulnerable.

How did she react when you told her? Unless she was overly dramatic, then the chances are good that she'll be very normal about it all and not make it awkward. I think they're used to hearing these things, so having someone listen and not get weird can be very helpful and even easy. I hope you go and that you can move forward from this, now that you've taken the leap.

She was lovely. She didn't say anything. When I asked if she thought I was disgusting, she said 'is there any part of that looks like I find you disgusting?' Or something like that, and she was just looking at me all kind of sad and teary and kind....yes, you're right, she won't make it awkward. That's my job

I'm so glad everything turned out so well!

Oh Red75!

I saw how you felt about going back on the "dear T" thread. I didn't realize it was about csa stuff.

That's what made me feel like I was so digusting that people wouldn't want to be around. I felt like if people knew about me that they'd want to run away, like they didn't want to be contaminated. Like I could hurt them just by being close to them.

I think Ts must know about how to deal with these feelings from people and fortunately, all ts I've worked with knew to take it real slow. Some let me sit until I was ready to talk about how I felt. Now that I look back, I think all the ts I told already suspected what I would eventually tell them.

I'm so sorry. I know it's hard. But, it wasn't your fault and your t is honored to work with someone as brave as you. I think that's part of why they decide they want to go into their line of work... they get to work with amazing people.

I've been seeing my t for nearly two years. She knows I am there to work through childhood trauma stuff, including years of csa. She also knows I find it incredibly hard to talk about. We talk around it. She describes our process like a spiral. We've only just started talking around the edges and will gradually work our way closer to the trauma. It's okay to take your time. It's okay to be scared. And it's okay to not talk about it too, if that's what you want. It's your experience and you can disclose as much or as little as you want, when you want. I don't believe your t is as critical of you as you are of yourself. Be kind to yourself

I think you should start by talking about this sentence with her. You didn't do anything. The wanker did.

Hey Red, I'm sorry you're facing this. I'm not sure how much you're able to trust your t, but I'm assuming a bit since you told her. What has helped me in similar situations is the trust that my t would handle the situation professionally, that he would guide me and that he would somehow find the right pace. Which so far he always has.
Your t now knows, but she also knows how difficult it must have been for you to mention it. I'm certain she'll search for the best way to address the issue together with you.

That's lovely, thank you. I hope I can think like that someday. The awful irony is that I have worked for years with young people who've experienced various abuse, and that's how I felt about them....

And thanks everyone, it's so helpful having you all here.

I feel like, cos she knows, she can see right through me, and see all the horrible stuff inside

Also TRIGGER WARNING, sorry....because of the nature of the stuff that went on, that she now knows, cos of those three words....ugh.... If I think about it, or when I tried to talk about it, I have to put my hand over my mouth. sorry. So, not only can I not talk about I because I will be hurt (irrational I know, but still so powerful), because it's horrible, because it makes me panic and because t will know how awful I am.....but in addition I can't even open my mouth! Ffs.

What if you saw your young self as one of the young people you work with?

............
Omg, I actually don't know what to say to that. That's very....profound. You're right, actually, Bill3, I could try that.....