[Patagonia]

I've been super honest w/my T & telling her about my affair I'm having while married. I think details are immaterial to my question.

Today was the third session in a row where she told me her opinion that basically I'm in the wrong & need to fix it. This is her opinion which I already said I know where she stands. I asked her if she would discontinue seeing me if I didn't stop & she said no.

I have many "parts" in my DDNOS system. My biggest part sat there in silence seething w/anger that I was being judged for my actions when I didn't ask for her opinion. I've never been so angry @ her!

I also have a part that feels like if I read between the lines I'm being called a slut & piece of trash. She does not have to keep telling me what her superior opinion is. I already feel bad enough about myself for doing this in the first place!

I of course have a part that says she's right. What am I going to achieve from all this? When am I going to either stop or confess to my family? She's starting to steer me down the correct path.

Another part feels like she's sentencing me to death. That before I started cheating I was in a very dangerous place & constantly suicidal. Now I actually have a reason to get out of bed. To concern myself w/ what I look like. To feel good about myself. If I give this up I give up my will to live. My T is very aware of this situation. But if she's so aware why is she pointing me in that direction?

So my question is does my T have a right to, I feel, push her moral standard onto me? If all we're going to talk about is how my cheating is going to blow up in my face...I'd rather not here it.
I've done a great deal of thinking esp how this effects my family & H. I'm not ignorant & really don't want a comment posted from anyone telling me what a terrible person I am. I have enough evil voices in my head. Thank you.

[NowhereUSA]

Ts are still people. It's one thing to push a religious belief on someone, and at the same time, a T isn't there to sanction our actions. Their job is to push us towards health. Even my T tells me to make wise decisions and will weigh in when I want to something self-destructive.

Could it be that rather than interpreting her as calling you a slut or piece of trash, that perhaps she's concerned that this is going to hurt you in the long run? How will you cope when it eventually comes out? Will you spiral right back into where you were? Perhaps you're not feeling it now, but it seems like there are two paths both leading to the same place and she is trying to encourage you towards the path with fewer lasting consequences.

I always understood a therapist's job to help the client determine what's right/best for herself, not anyone else (including the therapist), otherwise it's disempowering.

fwiw, the last therapist I saw was very religious and while she didn't bring that into session, I was aware of her moral compass and it caused me to edit things. I now see a therapist where anything goes (in terms of whats shared) and there is zero sense of blaming or shaming.

[HazelGirl]

I agree with Nowhere. I think she sees where your choices are leading, and has probably seen many times over her career blow up in the faces of those who are involved in affairs. I think she's trying to help you avoid that potential mess.

No, a therapist should not judge you at all, or push their opinions on you. I think it sounds as if your therapist is being extremely unhelpful. You know what is best for you - your therapist does not have to live your life. She can have her own opinions in her own free time, they don't belong in your therapy hour.

Sometimes affairs end in a mess, sometimes they don't, and there is nothing inherently self destructive in an affair. (There can be such an element, but it's not necessarily there). It is good that you have something that gets you out of bed in the morning. And society is, in general, moving in a more tolerant direction, where outdated morality doesn't govern people's personal choices.

[RedSun]

P

You are totally within your rights to feel angry at her judgement. Only you know the situation from the inside, it is her job to listen, not criticise. Xxxxx

[stopdog]

I would stop seeing a therapist who tried to push their morality onto me. Otherwise I would quit talking to the therapist about that particular topic.

[unaluna]

For me, it was a means to an end. The first mr hankster told me the only reason he would ever divorce me was if i were unfaithful. So pretty much to save my butt from getting kicked and to just not be miserable anymore and to regain control of my life, i went outside my marriage one time.

I thought it was telling that mr h's two questions were: 1. What lie did i tell him to sneak out of the house? I didnt have to lie, most weekends he went out with his friends and left me home alone. He never knew i was gone. 2. Which one of his friends betrayed him? I was like what? I had my own friends you idiot.

Anyway, not one of my prouder moments, but i did what i had to do. Thats whats important.

[Patagonia]

Today she asked me in therapy," has ur H ever cheated on you?" We both know that answer. (No). I said, "you can stop now,I can see you point."

I felt like I was sitting in front on judge & jury & I was the evil, Scarlet Letter wearer. I already feel enough shame. Really! I just don't know what there is for me outside of this, which makes me happy...for once. I know I'm hurting my family, honestly. But the alternative is a life sentence of true misery

[stopdog]

Is there a different therapist you could try?

I don't see therapists to get their opinion on my choices. They can keep that to themselves. The therapist would have no idea whether a choice was good for me or not. I don't care if the therapist would make a different choice or advise a different choice. It is not what I will let one of them do to me. I most definitely do not consider it their job or right to push me towards what they believe is health. I also would not stand for it should one try such a thing.

[NowhereUSA]

So. I'm curious, has she actually said, "What you're doing is wrong" or "What you're doing is bad" or anything like that? Or is this being inferred by you?

[nicoleflynn]

They are NOT supposed to judge your choices......they can ask you good questions, and allow YOU to make decisions for your life......the are supposed to give you tools and ask questions based on why you are there and what you need help with.

[nottrustin]

is it possible that it isn't so much about her judging you but rather you judging yourself? You said that she basically told you it was wrong and that that she should just call you a slut. Is it possible that you misinterpreted her stance because of your own feelings?

[Patagonia]

I had mentioned a few sessions ago that I felt so terrible bec I'd broken my marriage vows.
She has asked me this question a couple of times since. How I felt.
She says she's worried about my family, what I'm doing to them & how this would effect my H & family. Basically what do I expect to gain from doing this. Where is this going type questions. What makes me think I can keep this up esp my marriage under false pretenses. That it wasn't fair of me to do that to my H.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I had mentioned a few sessions ago that I felt so terrible bec I'd broken my marriage vows.
She has asked me this question a couple of times since. How I felt.
She says she's worried about my family, what I'm doing to them & how this would effect my H & family. Basically what do I expect to gain from doing this. Where is this going type questions. What makes me think I can keep this up esp my marriage under false pretenses. That it wasn't fair of me to do that to my H.

I'm not going to say there's zero judgment in those statements (assuming they're pretty close to verbatim and not interpretations) and at the same time, I do think you're overstating the judgment. It seems more like she's worried about you and concerned for how this is all going to turn out because she cares about what happens to you.

I don't see any of those as calling you a slut or a piece of trash. The closest I can see as a judgment would be that she thinks you might not be making a healthy decision for yourself or your family. That's a far cry from treating you as Hester Prynne.

[Patagonia]

She did admit today that she has her own faith, her own morals & that this goes against them & that she needed to state that out loud to me. I already knew them tho. Like when I'd say I have a date & she'd shake her head & sigh. Maybe she's not saying it outloud that she's against it, but there is an under current of comments that make me feel shame. Last wk when I saw her I felt totally different. A different part was present. One that is very happy & proud of the decisions I've made to find happiness for myself. Today I felt totally different.

[NowhereUSA]

So when I asked what she said, you just kinda left that part out. If you don't like how she's responding, you can find another T. I don't think you're going to change how she responds to you. Even so, I don't think she was calling you any of the names you've decided she must mean "in between the lines."

[stopdog]

I would take the therapist's responses as judgment.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

She says she's worried about my family, what I'm doing to them & how this would effect my H & family.

Huh. This is individual therapy, right? You're not in therapy with your whole family?

This would make me really mad. She's concerned about your family? They're not her client (I'm assuming!). YOU ARE. She needs to be on your side. I don't think that means pretending that you're making a good decision if she disagrees with it, but... it does mean trying to help you figure out what's best for you, without judging, and how to support you. Like LicketySplit said - empowering you to make good decisions.

I think beyond that, this is really stupid for a therapist. I don't know, but having an affair just seems like... such a superficial thing to focus on in therapy. Tons of people have affairs. It is what it is.

What I'd expect a good therapist to do is to really dive into the WHYs (without judging - that part is important, otherwise how can you be open enough to figure it out?). You know, are you cheating because you feel like your husband has emotionally abandoned you, or because you make impulsive decisions, or because you've met someone who has some crazy hypnotic power over you... etc. (I'm obviously totally making up those reasons as examples! )

I'd also think exploring the feelings that you talked about here - the fact that THIS is giving you a reason to get out of bed in the morning - might be fair game and important. But again, that should come from a place of trying to understand what's going on with you, not a place of judging, or blaming.

I think you deserve much better from your therapist. Is this all something you think you can talk through with her? How long have you been with her?

*Good luck* (and no judgements here)

[Ididitmyway]

Psychotherapy, as I see it, should be about helping people understand themselves better or raising their self-awareness. I don't see what your therapist did as therapeutic and consistent with the purpose of therapy. She would have fulfilled her role much better by trying to understand your marital problems and what kind of emotional needs your extramarital relationship is fulfilling that aren't being fulfilled in your marriage. People don't have affairs for no reason. No statistically average person intentionally wants to hurt their partner, and affairs usually don't happen because the cheating partner lacks sensitivity or consciousness. Usually, cheating partners experience a great deal of guilt, but cannot stop because they don't want to go back to the miserable life they had before the affair started - exactly what you are experiencing. This is not to say that you shouldn't own your choices and your behavior, but to acknowledge that life is much more complicated than a simple "right" and "wrong" polarization, especially marital life and everything related to human relationships. Your therapist is in a perfect position to have this basic life wisdom and to stay above primitive judgments. In fact, she is in a position to have much more wisdom than a regular person who is entrenched in their conventional judgments.

All in all, no, she should not impose her moral standards on you, but should try to understand you instead.

[anilam]

I wouldn't pay for being judge:
A. I can do it myself (kind of a expert on that one)
B. Even if I couldn't, many/most ppl would do that for free.
It's just not her job to judge, even if she thinks you're heading for a disaster.
I'd talk to her about it but tbh I'd probably terminate either way- chances are she'll do that again any time your behaviour wont meet her standards.

[Freewilled]

I think I understand, Patagonia. Well, I relate. I have parts too.....Problem was, my parts would frustrate my Ts and confuse them. Like I had a similar issue where I couldn't make a decision about my situation because I had so many parts fighting with me about it internally...and I would change week to week.

It's hard when we have our different parts battling internally all week long and we go to T to get respite and they end up siding with certain parts that are more acceptable to them. I get that so much.....

I'd recommend telling your T what you said here if you haven't already. If you think you could...I told mine I feel alone all the time already and I didn't need to pay someone to make me feel even more alone. That's how I felt. He apologized sincerely. We talked about it many times over too. He was patient. He was compassionate about it. He maybe was pulling hair out when I left lol I dunno.

But my problems + my payment = treatment that works for me and my needs. T can help me work through it or tell me if he is not able to help on his end and refer me on. That's how I see it and ruptures can be good too - give us a chance to practice assertiveness and to grow.

Do you feel like your T understands DDNOS?

[Patagonia]

I've been w/this T for a little over 2 yrs. this past yr has been extremely difficult. I had 2 suicide attempts & 3 hospitalizations. She stood by me & helped me the entire time. I've really grown to trust her. She's the only one that knows about my affair. She claims to be the best in my town on PTSD & DID.

A few months ago when I first cheated I felt ok about it. Even a bit happy. The second mtg lead to a terrible breakdown w/a mix of shame & guilt. I asked her to help me stop this behavior bec of how it made me feel. We also discovered a huge personality that appears when there's talk or a chance of having sex. This personality loves sex & we feel has come out as an alternative to death & my life of misery at home. That I needed a desperate change & something that made me feel alive. Hence this sexual personality broke thru. She reminds me of an alter ego.

Since then I've told my T how much joy & feeling of life I've been having bec of seeing this other person. I'm more focused in T & share more instead of these 6-8 word therapy sessions where I say nothing bec to me there's nothing to discuss. I wanto get out of bed in the morning. I'm not focused on suicide. I care about what I look like & knowing that someone wants to see me, be w/me & cares for me is heavenly. So yesterday I think the thing that got to me most was when my T told me....she has parts, religious parts, as do I, & that these parts know what I'm doing is not right. That I'm breaking my marriage vows & that this will only lead to more trouble & that she felt she had to say this outloud that I was making poor decisions. What was I expecting to get from a life lead like this & how poorly I was treating my H.

Maybe I was reading between the lines here, but I did feel like I was being condemned. I knew what her point of view was from the beginning. We both knew. But did I need to be reminded "that my H hasn't cheated on you," type comment. I know she has good intentions to help, but this last session was a total derailment. I feel like if I continue to see her we can either not talk about this issue @ all & hide it or I discontinue to see her. It's just I have time invested in her. I also don't wanto go in there & blow up @ her w/ my angry side when I see her tomorrow. She knew she upset me...but didn't say much to understand it.

[HazelGirl]

Is it possible that your guilt is coming from you, inside yourself, and you're projecting it onto your T and blaming her for judging you, when its you who is judging you? That's sort of what it sounds like, IMO.

[peaches100]

Patagonia,

I understand exactly what you mean by having parts of yourself that feel different ways. I have DDNOS, so I get that. However, it sounds to me like you are putting your t in a no-win situation. You said that you have told her that you feel horrible for having cheated on your husband, and you asked for her help to stop doing it. But when your t then encourages you not to cheat, you get mad at her and feel judged.