Asking T to hold their hand

Hey everyone. Hope you're all having a great day!!

I use to see a T, who would let me hold his hand (i am a female), would give me hugs (I asked) at the end of sessions. When things were getting tough, or I was crying, or angry, he would let me just grab onto his hand. (had to leave him for financial reasons)

My current T doesn't do that. I've brought it up and we tried, but he doesn't want to even though it helps me stay grounded, not harm myself in session and it helps calm my anxiety, feeling someone else. He offered some stress toys which I tried, but it wasn't the same. I really want to have the option to hold his hand.. It makes me feel so lost, and alone in session.. Also, really hopeless. It makes me miss my old T so much...

Is there anything I can do to bring it back up again? I really find it helpful. When he doesn't I just get VERY upset and angry, and numb.

It sounds like your t has a clear boundary in regard to your request. I don't think approaching him again about it would change his mind. He's entitled to protect his boundaries. You can talk about how it makes you feel, but you can't convince him to do what you want.

I agree with twf. You can talk about it, maybe even ask what motivates his boundary, but not much you can do to change it. If it's a deal breaker, you can always look for another t. If you want to stay with this t, maybe you can ask for other suggestions for staying grounded. It's always good to have multiple coping skills available anyway.
I hope you can find something that works.

It isn't, in my opinion, wrong to want such a thing, but it might take a different therapist to get it. I don't like my hands held by anyone so for me, if I was a therapist, I would say no because of me, not the client.

Yup I agree with what everyone has said. He may just be protecting his boundaries. If hand holding is something you need then try another T. Easy to say I know but if you are not healing this way then maybe try a different way.

I would like my T to hold my hand too. I haven't discussed it and I'm sure she would say no, to which I will say - 'you cannot know for sure that to hold my hand would not be a good thing, you believe some theory that it would not be good, but I believe that me asking this from you and wishing to have it is a huge positive step for someone who has been emotionally independent all her life, and that you doing it would help me.'

I know that for a lot of T's it really is a boundary that won't be crossed, and in a way he's demonstrating his integrity by sticking to that, although that's probably not helpful to hear...
If it is a deal breaker, then at least you know ow how important it is for you, and you can bring it up in initial enquiries with new T's. my friend had to have a t who hugged, so she emailed all potential T's to ask if they're huggers! Most said no, so she saved a lot of time. She found a good t btw and has lots of hugs

Like Red75's friend, I need a T who hugs. I brought it up first session. Luckily my T is okay with hugs.

I did ask her one time to hold my hand. She wouldn't. She said she only holds her daughter's and husband's hands. It's a boundary and I respect that.

You can ask your T for an explanation, but otherwise, it sounds like it's going to be a firm no to hand-holding.

I've never held my T's hand, but she's a hugger, and holds me from time to time. I didn't know to ask if she was a hugger or not, because I don't think I could work with someone who wasn't, but I hugged her after my very first visit, and she hugged me back and didn't say anything...and we've been hugging after every session ever since.

This is actually something I want too, just once, but I'd never ask for it. I had some previous therapists (Psychologists) who used appropriate touch in session (resting their hand over mine, or placing a hand on my shoulder when I was talking about difficult stuff for example, and giving encouraging hugs when they could tell it would be of benefit to me). Then I saw a Pdoc who abused me (psychologically as well as through sexualisation of therapy) and since then I've felt like ANY form of touch in therapy is like a 'Hell no, I wont go' type area. It's starting to feel like the last hold over of my getting past what that other prick did to me, and I really want to ask my Pdoc, "Please can I hug you, just once, just to help wash away that part of my prior experience". I never would though, because he's totally not the hand holding/patient hugging type. That doesn't mean he's not empathic or he doesn't care, he just shows it in other ways, and I'd never want to ask him for anything that would make him feel uncomfortable or obliged.

tl;dr I kind of understand you wanting that sort of healing touch in your sessions, but I think it depends on whether you can accept your T as they are and accept that perhaps for them showing that they are able to be empathetic and care about you won't necessarily mean they get (appropriately) 'hands on'.

psychmajor18, was the hand holding from the same T you mentioned in your other post, who was abusive? If it is, I would strongly suggest talking to this T again about it but more in terms of what you would be looking for in the hand holding. Would it be a test to see if this T will cross the same boundaries? Or is it genuinely something you feel would help? Would it end up being a trigger?
While you mentioned having "taken care of" that previous situation, it sounds like there is still a LOT to be worked out emotionally around it.
I'm glad this T is holding his boundry of no touch at this point...

if my T held my hand i would prob kick him in face. as an instant reaction. but i dont believe he would ever do that.

Don't take this personally. Many therapists feel uneasy about holding client's hand and would refuse to do so. This has to do with the fact that many times this gesture is misused and is done for the wrong reasons, therefore, they aren't sure if the client really needs it or if she is just testing their boundaries. When the gesture is being misinterpreted, the therapist can potentially get in trouble. In our society, where anyone can sue anyone for anything, physical touch in therapy, no matter how innocent it may be and even if it is used for therapeutic purposes, seems like a slippery slope for many therapists.

It's clear that for you hand holding is therapeutic and it wouldn't be wrong for a therapist to allow you to hold their hand in session. At the same time, it's also not wrong for a therapist to do the work within their own comfort zone. As upsetting as it is for you, the therapist has the right to stick with his way of doing the work. Discuss it with him in session and see if this dilemma can be resolved. If you feel that what you need is essential for you and can't be replaced by anything else, ask if your T can refer you to someone else, who'd be willing to fulfill your request.

Ididitmyway, interesting view. I guess I would see hand holding as less invasive, if that's the word I'm looking for, than a hug, where bodies could potentially be pressed up against each other. So I would hope a T who wouldn't hold a person's hand wouldn't hug, either. I never felt the urge to hold my T's hand, therefore have never tried, but there was one time I was upset and fighting it, and she was sitting next to me, and I grabbed her arm and held it. I didn't pre-think it, I didn't realize I even did it until after I had her arm in my grasp... some days I tend to work pretty hard to fight my emotions....but, in the end, it doesn't usually work.