[guilloche]

I am still so confused. Therapy doesn't seem to be doing anything. I don't feel a connection, I don't feel understood, I don't feel like I'm learning about myself, and I don't feel like I'm actively working on goals. It's making me feel worse about my life.

So, what do you get from therapy? What feels good to you about it? What makes you want to go back, week after week?

When I think about logically, I think there are 3 possibilities:

1. Understanding, empathy, connection. I really hate saying this, but I don't get this reliably from my therapist. I think, sometimes, there's a flicker of it. But, it's almost like he's two people the quiet, stoic, non-responsive person and the one who actually is connect-able. But, whatever... I know what this feels like, I've gotten this from friends - where something bad happens, you tell them, and they empathize, and you feel better. But I don't feel like this with my T.

2. Learning about yourself. In theory, T should be awesome - much better than reading a book - since it's personalized to you! But, I don't feel like I'm getting this either! If I tell T about weird issues I'm having, or something I'm thinking, it would be interesting and helpful for him to be able to show me how it fits with me (whether how it relates to my history, how it fits with a particular diagnosis, or what pattern he sees). But I don't feel like I get any of THAT either. He's either quiet, or he tells me, "everybody does that!". It doesn't help.

3. We talked about goals. I think a T could be great for helping you work on goals and improve your life. But, the goals we talk about seem to disappear. He writes them down, and then they're gone forever! I don't know if *I'm* supposed to be doing something with them (we didn't discuss that), or if he's secretly plotting to spring them on me later, or what. So, I don't feel like there's current value here either.

I feel sad. Being in T has made me very aware of all the crazy, broken stuff in my life, but isn't really giving me any sense of hope that it's fixable, or feeling that I'm moving towards better. I think, this can't possibly be right? I don't know if *I'm* doing something wrong, or if it's my T, or if it's just a bad match. And, I hate to think that, because in some ways he's been a much better T than any of the others I've seen... if he was all bad, it would be an easier decision to leave.

Would love to hear... what keeps you going back to therapy? What do you get out of it? Why is it worth going, for you?

Thanks...

[willowbrook]

I don't think I'd even know where to properly begin, I get so much out of therapy - a greater and growing sense of stability, a better understanding of my internal and external world, a chance to experience secure attachment, a sense of hope that things really can get better and I don't just have to be satisfied with muddling through things, etc. It's my Pdoc who keeps me going back, if he wasn't any good at what he does in therapy then I doubt all the sessions in the world would do me any good. I've been in therapy before, and some therapists were okay, I could work with them at least, and they taught me some skills that I've been able to utilise in day to day life to manage my symptoms - but others I've seen (T's and Pdoc's) haven't been so great. I've been in therapy now for almost 5 years and it's the first time I've really felt a true benefit from it, and I think that's mainly due to my Pdoc's abilities and the fact that we just seem to match really well as patient and therapist.

[guilloche]

Thanks Willowbrook... that sounds awesome. Can I ask... how long were you in therapy with your pdoc before you started to feel some of these things? Was it something that was obvious in the first couple sessions, or did it take awhile?

I feel so lost! Thanks!

[willowbrook]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks Willowbrook... that sounds awesome. Can I ask... how long were you in therapy with your pdoc before you started to feel some of these things? Was it something that was obvious in the first couple sessions, or did it take awhile?

I feel so lost! Thanks!

I liked my Pdoc pretty much from the start, he felt approachable, like it would be easy to talk to him. Unfortunately that wasn't enough for me to just start therapy and have it all going swimmingly in a few weeks, because I also had major trust issues from being abused by a previous Psychiatrist. I could tell my Pdoc was a good T, and I knew deep down that if I could just trust him and let a therapeutic bond form between us that we could do some great work together. I just couldn't though, not right away - I wanted to connect with him, but my past experience kept getting in the way. He persisted though, gently, he didn't try and force anything with me in terms of trust back then. It was like he was just *there*, every session, being totally empathic in an appropriate and balanced manner (not swinging from one extreme to the other with being overly attached or connected one minute, and then distancing himself the next), and I gradually started to feel a sense of stability and security and reliability from him. He certainly wasn't perfect every step of the way, he made some mistakes, he owned them, he apologised and explained himself to me, we talked through how I felt, and so on - one thing that really helped me trust him is that he always told me to never just sit there not saying anything if he was observing or telling me something I didn't agree with, I am always encouraged to challenge and question him at any time and it is not a problem. It did take me at least 2 years to fully trust him, I mean 100%, not a shadow of a doubt, absolute implicit trust. Since then we've made a really strong connection and we do have a really strong therapeutic bond between us, but at the same time it's still structured, there's no confusion of roles (he's always my Pdoc, I am his patient), no confusing or uncertain issues with boundaries. It just feels really healthy and safe and balanced, and I've never really had that, not to this degree at least, with any other Pdoc or T.

Have you tried speaking to your T about how you're feeling with Therapy? If their response throws up red flags or doesn't sit well with you in some way then it might be a sign that they're just not the right T for you - but then again maybe you could get some answers and explanations, as well as awareness, from your T and that could be used to improve therapy for you. Really, I'd just talk to them, let them know what's going on in your head and how you feel you're responding to therapy right now.

Good luck.

I'm in therapy for some specific and complicated issues affecting my life that I can't ignore any longer. My therapist is able to help me begin to untangle everything. She is the first therapist I've had that's shown any ability or willingness to navigate these things. It's a slow, but effective process. It's draining at times, but usually leaves me feeling lighter and able to get through the week.

My therapist has a way of making me feel okay about myself and life in general without directly saying anything. There's just something about her manner, the easy way she has of interacting in person or email, that works for me.

It was from the first session that I knew this would be a good fit. With the others, I was just not comfortable, but I thought it had to do with me and not the rapport with the therapist (or lack thereof).

[~Christina]

I have been in Therapy for a little over 3 years.

I really had no idea where to start. I was just a hot mess. I told my T I felt like it was my last chance to get myself much needed help and find some damn peace.

We talked about all kinds of things the first 4-6 sessions. Didnt make much rhyme or reason to me. My T decided what needed the attention the most. I felt a connection with him quickly so my trust in him grew easily . Him and I just "clicked"

I am goal orientated. "We" just made a game plan and have run with it since. Sometimes its a quick solution for issue/problem X , other times because things are so intermixed it takes time, hense why this is year 3.

My T does not coddle me , He just isn't the type and it would never have helped me one bit. He gives me a male point of view, he is a sounding board, he has really pushed me at times when I have needed it. Therapy is flipping tough if its not? its not being done right in my opinion.

[stopdog]

I don't think therapy has to feel tough to be of use and I don't think there is one way for it to be done right.
I use the woman to tell the stuff I don't tell to others to another human who will stay back. I don't particularly have a connection with her, I don't feel particularly understood and when she attempted empathy at me, it was horrible and I had to insist she stop. It is useful to me in this fashion.

[Petra5ed]

Maybe you need a different T? I have a really strong fancy for my therapist, but I haven't felt like this about every therapist I've seen. I think it's hands down the one reason I've stuck it out in therapy.

I feel like my therapist cares about me and is empathetic and at the same time since I care so much about him it means that much more to me. I do feel understood for the most part, I mean as understood as I've ever been at least! I don't really think there's a set goal for us, we also bounce around from topic to topic, and I'm sure he forgets things I've said. Somehow I've come to decide that it doesn't matter, I think the therapy for me is our relationship. He makes me feel safe; somehow having a weekly appointment makes me feel safe even though I rationally know he can't help me with anything. I've also learned a lot about myself because I'm constantly googling stuff he says and just reading about therapy topics in general. He also turns me on and makes me smile . He gives me hope that life isn't all doom and gloom, that people might like me, that not everyone is a mean liar.

[unaluna]

G, what are you not telling us or doing? I feel like you are holding some detail back. I dont know what and i dont know why! But i feel like the answer is in you. Something really simple/obvious?

I started typing out what was getting to be a long answer.

And then it struck me that I don't need many words at all.

What do I get from therapy? ME, that's what I get!! I am finding myself back - maybe even finding myself for the very first time. Certainly, finding my true center, which t and I figured out yesterday I have come to. It's been an incredibly amazing journey thus far. Beautiful, painful, interesting, funny, really really tough sometimes, over all extraordinarily worth the time/effort/money.

And even realizing that I am worth it all.

[pbutton]

I think I could have written your post 2 or 3 years ago. I finally made myself to promise just to quit trying to dissect everything, and just start showing up. Therapy still feels sort of random and really hard to categorize... but I am making progress. Hell, just the very act of learning to quit trying to analyze my level of benefit was progress in and of itself.

[RamblinClementine]

For me, I like having support from an older adult who will let me talk at length. I don't have support from my family other than a cousin and sister my age. I grew up with my grandmother, she was my primary support growing up. She died 9 years ago and I think having a therapist helps me feel that primary maternal support I am missing.

[ScarletPimpernel]

For me, the most important things I get out of therapy are encouragement, support, and place where I can just be. She's kinda like a solid foundation that allows me to build my life. She's a sounding-board and a mirror. She has told me multiple times that I really don't need her to teach me anything, but to instead remind me of everything I already know.

My therapy isn't structured. There are no defined goals per se. I have goals, we both know what they are, but it's not the focus of sessions. Our sessions are about helping me cope with daily life (and with the past when it affects the present). It's about expressing myself, processing, and just coping. I guess the best way to describe it is that therapy is like a reset button. I struggle throughout the week and then when I see my T, everything is brought back down...the intensity of emotions is lowered back to a manageable level.

But this is what I need in therapy. Others need something different. My issues are managing emotions and relationships. Once I can do those things, my goals become so much easier to obtain. So structured therapy and being goal-oriented won't help me much. Btw, it is odd because I'm extremely left-brained and love structure.

Try to think about all your relationships. What are the positive qualities of those relationships? Then think of which of those qualities would be most helpful to you in a T. Prioritize them. Compare that list to the quality your T has. Maybe that will help?

I have actually never really qualified a relationship, but maybe it might work for you. I trust my insticts with people. I knew my T was the right T before I met her. My fiance actually wanted me to cancel the initial appointment and I begged him to let me go. I had no clue who she was or how we would interact. I didn't know what I wanted out of therapy or a T. I just knew I needed therapy because it worked in the past. And my intuition told me she was the right one.

I don't know why I have such accurate initial impressions of people. I have an extreme fear of men. Yet when I met my tattoo artist, I instantly knew he was safe. I don't get nauseous or feel the desire to clean myself when he touches me. He's even tattooed my upper thigh and I was fine.

It's hard to say what T is right for anyone. Maybe your T is a great fit for you? Maybe it's your expectations? Maybe you're pushing yourself? I don't know. Maybe he isn't the right fit. You have to decide. Is what he's providing you enough to help you? Remember, finding a "perfect" match might not ever happen. And sometimes we don't even know what that would look like.

I'm sure I'm not helping now. I wish I could help more

I get stabbed in the back, lied to repeatedly, mocked, humiliated, embarrassed, stressed, upset and heartburn. Found out too late that the price was not worth it. Now I need help to recover from the damage done to me by seeking help in the first place.

Taking your three points, Guilloche, I guess I get 1 and 2. The first one, empathy and understanding, I have been getting consistently since day one. I've been really good at hiding my thoughts and feelings from people around me for 40 years so getting the professional empathy from a trained listener, whom I don't need to be afraid of hurting (because it is a professional relationship - that helps me immensely to know), is in itself healing. The feeling of relief at telling something bad to another person and getting their empathetic reaction is not something I can get from anyone else.

The second point, learning about myself, is much more of a struggle, for reasons I won't go into. But I am getting that, as painful and unpleasant as it often is. My T is not a big talker, he allows me to talk uninterrupted and he is not afraid of long silences... but he also suggests connections and gives me his input on things.

[RedSun]

Guilloche I think I get your three points in my therapy, but without the negatives that you're experiencing. We do look at how theories and anecdotes fit my experiences, I feel held and empathised with (my t is really good at 'holding'), and I feel that my goals are supported and followed.
It's not perfect, of course. We had a slight run in recently, where I freaked out about a disclosure from childhood, and she thought I was freaked out because of past ET stuff (like, get over yourself t ) but I am happy with the progress we make.
Sounds from your post that your t is a bit...disengaged? Tired? And that you're working really hard but not getting as far as you should?
My friend has recently gone done to once a fortnight with her t, similar issues, and is seeing another one once a fortnight, she thinks she will slowly move over to new t, it's a good way to make a change I think, if that's something you want to do. Xxxx

[magicalprince]

Just to process trauma, connect with someone and get me out the house! My expectations used to be too high though which to be fair is understandable because behing heard, I mean it's like an oasis in a desert for lots of people. :/

I'm trying not to expect too much more of it than I would of any other hr/weekly service, like piano lessons or a haircut. It is painful but the business model of therapy is the same as any other service. I have refused to leave myself in the care of therapy. I have to be doing work and thinking about myself and my needs and goals all week. Wish I could have more frequent sessions though lol. And yeah, most of my breakthroughs have been my own doing. Therapy just gives me some structure and a place to talk about it.

[guilloche]

Thanks Willowbrook, it sounds like your pdoc is really good at what he does, and a great match for you. It sounds awesome, honestly! I've talked a little about my problems with therapy, but it's getting to the point that he worries I'm being too "meta" (too much talking about therapy, not enough about real life) and he doesn't think that's helpful for me, although he lets me if I need to. I don't know, honestly, that's part of the problem. I don't know how much is just me... I've got crappy attachment issues (apparently) and I can't really keep a feeling of connection between sessions. It sort of seems like I go through this every week... things seem ok in session, then after a day or so, I just don't feel any connection and am ready to quit

Thanks LicketySplit. That's interesting, and I've heard others say the same thing... that you felt comfortable from the first session. I don't think I've ever experienced that with a therapist. Do you mind if I ask how you found this one? Was it luck, or a referral, or something else?

Thanks ~Christina - funny that you say that therapy is tough, and your T doesn't coddle you. Sounds a bit like my T (though I think he might go a bit easier on me than some of his other clients).

Thanks Stopdog, it's interesting to see how you get value from therapy, even without the expectation (or desire for) empathy/understanding.

Thanks Petra5ed! That's awesome, it sounds like you do get a lot out of the relationship, even if it doesn't feel goal-oriented or easy to understand. Maybe I'm just too... you know, I want things to be organized. I want to feel like we're actively working on something. My T is a bit expensive, so I don't want to feel like we're just wasting time being random . But I think it's more than that... what I hear from you, and others, is that you enjoy talking to your T - you feel good when you talk to your T - you probably look forward to it? I don't feel like that, and I am wishing I did! And, I'm not sure how to tell if it's just me... if it's always going to be like that with any T, and that's just part of what I'm bringing with me, or if it's still not the right fit, or if there's something specific that this T could do to help?

Hankster... hmmm. I'm sorry, I really, honestly don't know? I don't feel like I'm purposefully hiding anything, but I don't know? I've seen a ton of Ts in the past, but never really got the "click" thing or found them helpful - and was bounced around between a few Ts who didn't want to deal with me. But, I don't think that's what you mean? I'm thinking... but coming up blank on this one... thanks for getting me to think about it though... if it really is something simple/obvious inside me then I sure wish I could see it!!!

Wow, Artemis-Within - that's very beautiful! Thanks for sharing it!

Pbutton, thanks... maybe that's it for me too? It's so hard though! It's so expensive, and I see everyone else who loves their therapists, feels connected, and wants to talk to them when they're sad/hurt. And, I just don't feel that way. I thought that the therapist would be good when I fell, since I had a lot of painful stuff happen around that and nobody I could call to talk to, but it didn't seem like he really understood when I tried talking about it, so I walked out feeling worse and like he didn't really see me

RamblinClementine - Thanks, it sounds like your therapist is good at providing support to you, and that sounds really nice!

ScarletPimpernel - Thanks, it was helpful... I guess the problem is that nobody else can come along and tell me "yeah, he's perfect for you - this is just all your crappy attachment stuff, keep going!" or "no, it's a bad match... you need to just end it now." I feel totally stuck trying to figure it out. Like I said, if he were just 100% awful, it would be so much easier . And, to make it worse, I have no clue what I really need here... Thanks for sharing how therapy is helping you though, it's interesting to see how different people approach it differently (and get different things from it) and thanks for the tip about thinking about my other relationships.

Simmering - wow, I am so sorry that you went through all that I hope you can find a good, trustworthy person to help!

Thanks Mastodon... that sounds hard, but worthwhile and do-able. I think my T wants to be empathic, I think he sees himself as empathic... and I don't know if I'm not getting it because of *me* or because of *us* (as in my issues that I need to figure out, versus a bad fit between me and T).

Red75 - that's great that you get all those things from therapy, with none of the bad parts! I don't know that he's disengaged or tired... I just, don't know why it's not working It's really hard to separate out if it's just me and my issues... but maybe that doesn't matter, it's sort of frustrating that therapy seems to be making me feel worse... rather than feeling better/heard/understood - thanks

Thanks MagicalPrince - that's a good point. My T is so expensive though, I kind of feel like I need to feel good about it, otherwise, why spend all that money. You know what I mean? If he were a lot cheaper, I think it would be easier to just relax a bit and go with the process, or just enjoy having a chance to go talk to someone every week. But it's so much, it's the biggest thing in my budget.

Thanks everyone alot to think about...

Honestly?

Not much, really ...

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks MagicalPrince - that's a good point. My T is so expensive though, I kind of feel like I need to feel good about it, otherwise, why spend all that money. You know what I mean? If he were a lot cheaper, I think it would be easier to just relax a bit and go with the process, or just enjoy having a chance to go talk to someone every week. But it's so much, it's the biggest thing in my budget.

Thanks everyone alot to think about...

No that's actually perfectly reasonable. Listen to your heart on this one. Therapy can get worse before it gets better but if you're this ambivalent about it, it's almost guaranteed that you aren't getting much out of it. Therapy is there to work with your feelings, if you don't feel much of anything... it's probably not working. Money is a real concern and you are making a purchase. Better to find a T who feels truly worth the expense. I don't mean to be cutthroat about it, but I have a feeling you didn't actually need to be told this, you already know.