How to stop dissociating

I was going to respond in another thread (I believe BlessedRhiannon said it), but thought I'd start a new one. I dissociate, and I don't want to. My T used to use touch to help "bring me back," or even keep me from going there before it started, but has now discontinued that. I do NOT want to dissociate in therapy, and want to learn how to stop. What do you do to keep yourself "there," or what does your T do to help you? I can't always feel it coming on, and if I do, I only have mere seconds usually....otherwise, I think I'd just end the session right there and leave.

I have dissociated to the point of not feeling safe when I leave sessions at times, and I really want to help myself...to learn how NOT to let this irritating reaction happen in the first place. I have been dissociated enough to have my session be over, and find myself sitting in a snowbank in a neighboring parking lot. My gosh...what would have happened if I got in my car to drive home? I think it's a safety issue, and I need to learn how to make it stop. Any ideas?

Dear Musinglizzy, Thank you for posting this! I could use the same advice. I have never dissociated in therapy. I didn't even know what this was until recently. Before it felt like a deep daydream and I wouldn't realize I was even doing or saying anything until the person I am with says, What did you say? I didn't realize I was conversing. Then, since I been doing some trauma sessions I did (according to T) disassociate. I was driving by a trigger and totally couldn't remember driving I ran a red light I could have killed people. It wasn't until I heard the horns blaring that I realized what i had done. I was so frightened I shared with T . He explained what it was but not how I can stop it. IT happened again this week. I am afraid . I'm sorry about your dissociating but maybe I can get some advice too. ((musinglizzy))

The first time I was really dissociated in therapy, my T asked me to start describing what I saw in the room. So I started describing the grey table with its smooth glass top, the painting on the wall, etc, etc, and felt myself coming back as I did it. Now *the instant* I start to notice myself getting fuzzy, I do the same exercise in my head. I also make sure I'm breathing deeply, rub the pillow I clutch every session, and tap my feet on the floor. My T stays silent during these times, which is what I need. If I wanted her to say something, I'm sure she would do that as well.

This is going to sound crazy, but my T and I started tossing a ball back and forth during our last session. We had both read an article that mentioned it, and I brought it up in session. I really *loved* this. It definitely made me feel more present, much more so than trying to stomp on the floor and feel grounded that way (which doesn't seem to do a thing for me).

The only other thing I've ever felt really helped was having T change the subject to something that is lighter, not threatening, and *engaging* to me. Something I don't care about won't do it, but something I'm interested in... once I start talking, I slowly warm up and seem to come back a bit at a time.

That's all I've got... love hearing the other responses!

My uses a phrase, "look at me", and repeats as many times as needed. I'm DID, he is an experienced Dr. Thank goodness. I am severe allowed to leave until I am able to verbally give directions to wherever it's I'm going after.

Lately my T will end sessions by getting me laughing. Sometimes it feels like a madwoman's laughter but it seems to work.

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I dissociate a lot under stress as well. I've found keeping my hands busy helps (coloring, playing with fidget toys, etc). I also respond to cognitive tasks (like guilloche was describing: talking about things that interet me, lighter conversation, switching the subject).
Today T tried a relaxation exercise, but it ended up being triggering (just so happened the guided mediation she picked had three elements from what had been triggered during the session).
dissociation is a fear reaction, so if you can find a way to maintain a feeling of safety in session, it should help curb the dissociation.

Thanks for the replies. My T has it in her head that I have issues with the session ending. I think I've finally started to make myself clear to her, it has nothing to do with having to leave, getting kicked out. I would never try to milk her for more time. I have repeatedly told her that my issue lies with "where I am" at the end. I don't want to be angry, emotional or somewhat dissociated when I leave, because it's not safe. And if I was in a severe state, she CAN'T stick around. She has to pick up her daughter after my sessions. She has kindly offered, though, to let me stay there, and just lock the door when I leave. I'd never do that.

If this happens often, can you both reserve the last five minutes or so to ground and reorient yourself?

For a while I did what Licketysplit suggests-- had my T give me kind of a 5 minute warning, so I could make sure I was in a decent place when I left. It worked great, and after a while, I didn't need it anymore.

I dissociate way more than I would like. Over time, my t has learned what that looks like for me and she tends to pick up on it sooner than I do. If t thinks I'm dissociating, she'll stop and ask if I'm "here." If I'm fine, I can tell her that...if I'm not, it's pretty obvious when I respond vaguely or not at all.

Over time, we've tried lots of different things to help me stay present or to ground me when I start dissociating. To stay present, I tend to fidget with things...a tangle toy, stress ball, my ring, whatever. If I have something in my hands, then I have something to focus on and that helps me stay present. If I start to check out, I will focus entirely on what I'm fidgeting with. I'll notice how it feels in my hands, texture, color, temperature, whatever, I just start listing all the attributes I can notice. Once I feel grounded, I'll refocus on the room. If t notices that I'm checking out, she'll walk me through a breathing exercise, or ask me to concentrate on just one thing, like the sound of the a/c or traffic outside or an object in the room. Once, when I was really struggling to be present, she had me walk with her to the break room and had me hold ice in my hands until it melted.

T and I have established a routine where the last 5 minutes are used to wind down and make sure I'm grounded and good to drive home. We take care of administrative stuff like confirming the next appointment. We make a little small talk, and t makes sure I'm good to leave. If I still feel a little off once I get to my car, the I will turn on the radio and just breathe until I feel like I'm safe to drive.

I think dissociating is such a strongly ingrained response, that it will probably always be there. But I've gotten much better at identifying it when it happens. This took time and practice. I had to get the courage to say to t, "I think I'm starting to dissociate. " The more often I was able to identify it happening, the easier it got to notice. One I was able to notice it, I could start to do something about it. Now, I've learned that sometimes, just hearing myself say, outloud, "I'm starting to dissociate" will help me stay grounded. I'm focusing on my current state of being rather than getting lost in my head.

I never know until I surface from it. I only recently learned what it is I'm doing when I escape in my own mind. It might take another 40 years to recognize the impending state, and do something to stave it off.

Good luck!

Thanks for the replies! StressedMess, I'm like you, I don't really realize until I come out of it. I can tell there are times I dissociate even in my own home with nothing going on...maybe even no one around.... the entire day will have gone by and I can't account for much of anything that I've done. And it's a weird feeling to have no concept of time, really. Something that happened this morning I would have thought happened several days ago. I'll get a text from a friend, saying something of importance, and will think they told me this days ago, not the same day. I've actually been "caught" being "forgetful" like this and it's embarrassing. I've learned to keep texts on my phone for a few days, or important ones longer, just so I can remind myself of when the correspondence happened. But in therapy, I completely shut down, and when I realize it's happening, I don't have any idea how much time has gone by, unless I saw the clock beforehand, and I'm shaking something fierce. Usually visibly shaking...but sometimes I just feel it inside.

My T actually gave me a fidgety toy to keep, and I usually bring it into therapy with me. It's just one of those rubbery spiral things you mess with. Can straighten it out, and spiral it back up again. It has a business name on it, and sometimes I'll straighten it out and just concentrate on the words on it. She'll ask what I'm thinking about. And when I tell her I'm just looking at the words on that thing (I don't know if there's a name for it), and she'll mention that my concentrating on those words is also taking me "away." Those aren't the exact words she used, but basically what she said. Here I thought it was helping me stay there. Either way, when she suggested that, I quit looking at it.

I'm glad others are interested in the posts on this thread too, please keep the ideas coming! What works for some may not work for all, so I don't mind having an arsenal...lol

Aside from physical touch, if my T has tried to keep me "there," I have not noticed how she's done it. Although she has asked me light hearted questions that don't pertain to anything negative.

Those who have followed my posts know that therapy for me right now is hanging in the balance. I don't want to quit, but don't feel comfortable staying either. The topic I've been staying on I finally told her I'd just let go. Thursday was to be my first session after having "given up" on that topic...and I ended up not going in on Thursday. It's the first time I canceled a session, but I'm quite glad I did now, as my two coworkers were both out of work on Friday, one with strep throat.

Given that I'm dropping "the subject," (not because I want to, but because I can tell my T is a bit frustrated with me holding onto it so hard and putting so much energy in it, and also because continuing with it isn't going to change anything, so aside from just having some experience in standing up for myself, I've gained nothing from it). So we'll get back to the tough subjects, and I'm trying to prepare for that. I don't want to shut down, I don't want to put myself in a bad place before I leave. I need to take responsibility for myself...and I think one thing that may help me is watching the clock. I haven't been.... and I don't want my T to ever feel she needs to kick me out....so I've been able to watch the clock initiate my departure myself. But I know if I check out, that won't happen....

I agree musinglizzy, it is really important to feel safe and as grounded as possible before leaving. My T(sob) and I have had and agreement for a while now that the end of a session is absolutely not for new hard subjects, and he will make sure that I am present and as 'calm' as possible before he lets me leave.

Sometimes, I do just leave though as it feels safer.

Now I am sometimes aware that I "am leaving" and sometimes I have an internal fight.....telling myself to please just stay, and the scared part of me fights back. Sigh. I try many things....looking for and counting 5 blue things, seeing how many different trees I can see out the window, breathing, my T calls my name, asks me to do or look for things....... in saying that, sometimes I don't even hear him.

Can I ask.....is your T experienced with trauma and dissociation?

She appears to be quite knowledgeable about both, yes.... and when I was looking, I think on Psychology Today, for T's in my area, they were listed in her list of specialties. Of course at the time, I really didn't know that the word "dissociate" even existed. I first read about it here, and then again when my T brought it up to me, wanting to know if I was aware I did that. Unfortunately I think her recent, abrupt decision caused me way more grief than necessary, and I have questioned her (in my mind) as a T. I always thought of her as most excellent, and just the perfect match for me. We worked well together, and she was everything I could have asked for. Now, I've removed the rose colored glasses. I still think she's great at what she does, I just don't know if she's a perfect fit for me anymore. Honestly, I don't think I'm a perfect fit for therapy in general. So it's not her, it's me.

Hi, I also can do this to rather an extreme level where I actually collapse. One thing that I have noticed is that if I start getting overwhelmed or 'fuzzy' giving myself permission to 'shut down' as I call it and actually go into the state consciously really helps. It did take over a year of working on this weekly to get me to this state, but I now feel much safer and less likely to run red lights and stuff. If I'm out I have to acknowledge that the feeling is around and promise that as soon as I am in a safe place I will deal with it. In therapy we use it as a warning of when things are clearly too much. If I have had a bad session I have to stay put and talk to her about an inane topic, which seems to work. I am sorry if you think you have to move on from this. My t kept pointing out it was me getting fed up not her and as I said it has taken a year of hard work to deal with it. I am still not completely there is session, but out things are much better.

My experience is it doesn't just stop. But the time spent in that state lessens.
How? By talking about everything in therapy.

Thanks Mouse, I think that's wherein my problem lies. I don't feel comfortable talking about EVERYTHING in therapy..... perhaps instead of risking something blurting out.....I blank out... I don't know.

Three things that help me sometimes:

1) Talking about it as it's happening. "I'm feeling far away. I feel cold. My thoughts are very slow" etc. This doesn't make it stop totally but does keep me present enough that I can remember what happened later. Also then I feel like she's still there and it feels less terrifying (and also less like a waste of time and money.)

2) Keep having sips of something. I think it's better if it's a hot or cold drink that I bring with me but if I don't have that, room temperature water (which she keeps available) is still good. It forces me to be somewhat aware of my body. Also my mouth is usually a desert when this is going on so the drink is a pleasant sensation.

3) stand up and move around. I discovered this by accident getting up to cross the room to get water the other day. It kind of broke the spell of sitting there in my own world.

Why isnt this something you would ask your t for help with? If i were in your shoes, i would simply present it as, "since we stopped talking about x, i have started dissociating more. I dont know exactly why. But a result is, i am unsafe when i leave here and i need your help with that."

I dont know what happens to me when my mother calls, for example - i think i still talk to my t about it, but in retrospect i see i gain weight and have a hard time. So i just present it to him as a problem WE have to solve. We are a team. Why arent you and your t a team?

She is aware that there are times I feel unsafe when I leave. She is aware of the time I found myself in a neighboring parking lot sitting in a snow bank. She says there are other ways to help ground myself before leaving, but since her saying that, we have not had the opportunity to implement them. She thinks I have an issue with leaving sessions, and I told her it's only when I'm not in a good place, and it's because of my safety...not because I don't want the session to end or don't want to leave her. Those are not it. I think I finally got her to understand.

I don't feel like my T and I are a team anymore because I realized she has the power, not me, to make and change the rules, so to speak, without any input from me. For that reason too, I think I would have a hard time asking her for help.

Thanks Hankster! As always, I appreciate your input.

that might be another conversation to have with her (even if it treads back onto the conversation you have agreed to drop). Feeling powerless in T can be a large barrier to making it work.

I agree with H and TWO that your power/control over therapy (or lack of it) seems to be the most fundamental issue. Dealing with such emotionally charged material, you have to be able to voice your discomfort/challenges with her approach and have that be respected.

Please, if you are going along with this because you won't/can't see another therapist, at least consider that there are other options if you continue to feel worse. I always thought I could not get up the energy or will to try again, but I always did. Each time, I was able to define more and more what I was looking for and responded to. It shouldn't have to take as long as I did, though. I think coming here might give you a good sense for what you can and should expect.

I think she respects it, she says she understands it, but as she said, we're at an impasse, and that is true. We'll just have to see how we (no, how I,) get through it. She's wanting to move on, I'm still stuck. I want to try to stay with her, but if I don't, I believe I have learned enough from her to try to carry on on my own, if I try hard enough. I don't want to dissociate because that makes me feel not in control of myself. And that makes me feel weak. And it gives the impression that I don't "want" to leave my session.... and I don't want to appear that way. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I feel I can't. Physically. Mentally. Not always, just sometimes.

usually mindfulness; senses, noticing things around me.