Couch 91 - Forget the small change

Well. Here I am.

Puzzled. Confused. And not sure what to do next.

I'd like to have a second session with my T to discuss some stuff but I don't think I can get one in this week (his or my schedule). So a week a week a week to wait.

I might see if I can fit in an extra session next week.

Hm.

Hm hm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I have trust issues yo.

i've got my second session tomorrow. why do i always feel this sense of dread before a session?

I think an element of dread is quite normal.

Therapy can be a bruising process and you never know what is going to happen in session.

Finally, some therapists do have their moods.

You guys, something that I wrote and shared with my T made her cry when she read it back to me! As a result, I'm feeling ALL the feelings right now. What I wrote was about something positive, so I'm pretty sure they weren't tears of sadness, but I'm still kind of reeling from it. ETA: I mean, I wanted to offer her comfort on some level, but it's not my job to do that, right? I also wanted to acknowledge her very human reaction to my writing, but I didn't and I kind of just sat there like a deer in the headlights (although I did thank her for her acknowledgement of my hard work.) ETA Part Deux: I know it's not my responsibility to offer comfort to my T, but I wanted to on some level (and I can't figure out why, except that it's something I'd do with a friend, but I know she's not a friend, and MAN this therapy stuff is so fuggin COMPLICATED sometimes.)

Also, here's an amazing, fantastic, oh-so-great sand animation for Schubert’s “Erlkönig,” which I love love love to begin with, and this animation just literally made my day.

Watch it in full screen--ETA: contains some dark material and could potentially be triggering...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=285&v=1_dighphz_A

oh and this version, which blows my mind because I didn't know humans could move their hands and fingers that fast (just a video of a woman playing a piano in front of a live audience)

I'm afraid to even try the 2nd one. Whatever I saw on the first one, I don't think was what you meant, it was not a sand anything, it was like a movie and it was disturbing, dark, frightening even, some kid being led around by a creepy adult followed by some other hooded man that looks like Death or something and it was creepy and awful and I need to go find some mindless cartoon now to get it out of my head and I couldn't even watch all of it. Out out out of my head.

In the words of Stopdog... ACK!

So... That conversation happened today.

Oh man, I'm sorry, art. I didn't realize it might come across as disturbing (I'll add a warning.)

Here's a little more info on the animation, the story behind the song, etc:
http://events.mosman.nsw.gov.au/even...world-premiere

I had such a huge, visceral reaction to what I watched I now wonder if there is something from my past I am not as of yet aware of on a conscious level. This is probably a good thing timing-wise, since I have not actually ended my therapy yet, I will bring this up to t next week, and talk about it with her. Weird... totally weird... if it was not meant to be disturbing... that means there's something goin on with me... that is so weird... can something be triggering when you don't even know what it is triggering?!!? well that is how this felt when I watched it. Very triggering. But I don't know why. Thanks, I'll read the info, maybe knowing the story will help. I feel really... strange right now.

A comment that someone made on the first video:

Karen Evans, 10 months ago (edited):

Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about this story and gives a great psychological understanding of it. She says that the Erl King is a soul stealer.... who represents the culture that we live in which crushes the child spirit (don't do this, don't do that, do as I tell you to do etc.) The father cannot see that this is happening because his spirit too was crushed as a child. The horse represents the instinctive nature in us that is alive no matter how much the culture has deadened us, but, in this case, could not outrun the culture. In her explanation she concludes "the Erl Konig is everywhere. It lives in the psyche of every individual, and if we allow it to take over, in part by not resisting where it touches us in our lives, we become deadened, and we pass that deadening onto others" 

ETA: So yup, that sounds pretty disturbing to me! I didn't have a personal reaction to it, however, except that I thought it was super cool. But then creepy movies are my favorite kind to watch, so I wouldn't expect to have much of a visceral response.

art, I'm all for talking things like that through with T...I just feel bad that I threw the link out there without thinking through how others might react to it. But it's definitely something I'll be aware of going forward.

Elsewhere, thanks for the info--that's a really interesting interpretation. I learned about the song in a music class I took a long time ago, so we approached it from a very academic mindset. It would have been cool to bring that interpretation into the classroom. And had I gone into watching the video without the academic goggles on, I might have had an entirely different reaction to it as well.

Hi Couch,

Had a good day. My grandson is here during the day due to Spring break. We went to the park for most of the afternoon. He played, I kept a watchful eye and also read some. I was glad to be under a beautiful blue sky with the faint earthy scent of a nearby creek. Listened to the birds.. Glad I got out of the house. Had an enjoyable time.

I am going to watch it again since I read that interpretation after watching it the first time. The first time I turned the music off partway thru because I found it distracting! I am overly sensitive to sound, which has been discussed ad nauseam in therapy.

Wait, which conversation? Did it involve hugging or blankets??

I thought this was interesting:
The Most Popular Antidepressants Are Based On A Theory We Know Is Wrong

For me, I do not take any drugs, but my students are drugged to the gills. And they think it is normal.

I feel like I've tried every SSRI in existence with little effect (Paxil made me angry all the time, that was interesting.)

lol neither.

One that I knew would come eventually. I'm still processing it.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I should have thought through my response before posting it, I just really reacted.... weird. Don't feel bad seriously. I think it's going to turn out to be a good thing.

I adore dr e, and this explanation rings very true for me.... the soul stealing aspect... I'm going back to the midwest soon to visit some old friends, and my family who are still back there, my mom and sister and other relatives. I am positive this has something to do with my reaction now - like my family served as the soul stealer and I got away and grew tremendously and now I'm afraid that going back there they are going to steal my soul again. Wow. Deep stuff. I totally need to discuss this with t. thank you for that from dr e, she's one of my favorite writers/thinkers.

I am going to ask t for a phone session while I am back there.

It's all good art, I think we're both on the same page. No need to worry.*fistbump*

Yes, that's pretty much it. The sick child sees and hears the Erlking, who says, "come and live with me". The father is horrified, because anyone who sees the Erlking is doomed to die. And so it comes to pass. A sad story.

I see it at face value: parental powerlessness in the face of infant mortality.

It is a very famous poem and part of most German courses. (That's where I met it.)

Oh yes ive seen that. Its pretty creepy.

I've never read it. Perhaps I should. I saw it in a completely different way. What I saw....